Wednesday

I'll build a glass asylum (with just a hint of mayhem)

Time to address the minions.  MINIONS- look sharp!  kabuki will enlighten you, and don't cash your paychecks till saturday.  kabuki's psychic cash flow has to clear the bank. A few questions answered- then on to business.  NormaDesmond - owning an exercise video is all the exercise you need.  You are cursed with eternal beauty.Not your fault.  If they dig you up in 100 years (and they will), you will still be all cheekbones and legs.  Stephen - you will be admired by many, adored by several, loved by a few.  Many people will say 'what does he have, that we do not?'.  It is magic, and it looks good on you. kabuki has the hots for you, and knows your husband will dice up kabuki's liver.  so from afar i admire.
  OK DOKEY -people.now is the time to address our paranormal neighbors, right?  WRONG!!  There are more than enough psychic bozos spouting nonsense about 'whatever'.  Let kabuki shine the light for you.  kabuki is interested in the para-abnormal.  Do you think crazy people don't die?  You think a normal person would drag a clanking chain around a castle for 300 years?  Now you're getting it.  There is crazy on both sides of the psychic storm, and kabuki is your lightning arrestor. Why? Why you?  Why you now?  Damn - you ask alot of questions.  Who better than kabuki to navigate the unusual, the odd, the slightly freakish.  Have you met my family?  One good family reunion picture woould answer so many questions for you.  I know crazy, and it is afraid.  Afraid kabuki will take over.   Fortunately , although I have exensive management skills kabuki has no interest in 'running things'.  I literally let the crazies run th asylum.  It keeps things fresh.  I only offer advice. As a mentor. For the insane.  Lesson One- If god/dog/talking toaster tells you to kill your neighbor - say NO! BAD GOD/DOG/TALKING TOASTER!  Why let the voices be in charge.  You don't listen to anybody else, why are you listening to broccoli?  It is still your universe - even if it looks like a Tim Burton set.  Anyway - the voices won't shut up even if you do what they say.  They are like a bratty little sister.  Yak Yak Yak.  Personally - I have screeching tinnitus in my ears, I think a voice might be a refreshing change.  Work with what you got people, and when it gets to be too much - call on kabuki.  I will be there for you- always.  Because that is how it works.  OKTHXBAI

Friday

a travesty of justus

Recently I was chatting with Felix in Hollywood. The subject was yours truly so I was fully engaged. I mentioned my dropping fan numbers, he suggested that there may be people who do not care for me. What a ridiculous notion. It's like saying "You're not my type". I am too. I am everybodys' type. This is widely known. Sometimes I am troubled by peoples' faint grasp on reality. Just yesterday I was watching a show on delusions. There are people who believe the most ridiculous crap you have ever heard. Thankfully kabuki is fully grounded. Did I mention I was working on a new exercise craze? Zombie exercise. Zombie your way to fitness. Stick your arms out in front & lurch from side to side as you amble down the street in search of brains. Believe me - you could walk the length of my street and find nary a brain. It is a workout and social commentary at the same time. Just remember to moan & groan. There are several of you who will need no help there. You are already moaning - your exercise routine is half-complete. And don't you love being ahead of the curve? kabuki lives there, my street name should be Ahead of the curve Blvd. I suppose I could run around all day shouting 'I told you so!'. But I do not. Besides few people pay any attention to me. I must work on my presentation skills. Perhaps I could convert carbon dioxide into hydrocarbon fuel. That should keep them engrossed. Just have to watch my back, them dirty oil companies will not be happy. What better time to say 'fuck em'. Now I just have to get Jaguar to sign on - and I am good to go.   Next time : Ask the kabuki - a chance for the answers you need.  start thinking of your questions now.  kabuki sees some, tells some - like a friggin' psychic.  WOW

Monday

killing me softly with his thong

PEOPLE OF EARTH!  THIS IS THE BLOG OF KABUKI ZERO!  DO NOT BE AFRAID!  Or be just a little afraid, because you know the truth is coming at you.  No photo this entry, and I humbly apologize.  Been an off week, but who cares about me?  I am here to talk about YOU, the most important person in the chair you are now sitting in.  If standing - please sit down, it is impolite to read standing up.  Were you raised in a bar?  Now - on to business.  Warm weather is upon us, and that means many of you will dash off towards the local waterhole.  Before you go - a quick word.  We are all adults, we have all experienced the joys of youngness.  It is now time to behave like civilized North American Adults.  Men - that means two words => BOARD SHORTS.  Unless you are in a competitive diving event sponsored by your College - put that speedo in the trash.   Act like the man I know you can pretend to be.  Nude beaches are perfectly acceptable, board shorts are perfectly acceptable, speedos are not allowed.  Do not make me embarass you in public.  If I see you in public in a speedo - you had damn well better be sporting a french passport - OR IT IS ON!  I know I seen quite peaceful and loving, but there is another side to kabuki.  And yes, that is also my good side.  The cameras just love me. 
Now Ladies, unlessyou need to show off your new heiney tattoo (and please don't bother), there is no reason to rock a thong.  You want to wear a bikini - it better be in St. Tropez.  While on the continent please restrict yourself to a lovely two-piece with a coverup for when you are not swimming/basking.  A one piece would be refreshing unless you are Beyonce,  cuz that fool needs to cover it up.  Is no one aware of the sin of overexposure?  I know Britney, Paris & Lindsay like to flash the cooch - but are they really the role models you would choose.  Sophia Loren never shot a beaver, and she is doing just fine - thank you very much.  I hate to bring you people down - but every summer becomes more like an outdoor shooting of 'Jerry Springer' and I know you didn't all grow up in back-water mobile home parks.   Is it not time for a safer, gentler summer?  Do we need daisy-dukes, camel-toes, banana-hammocks to express our individual beauty?  Kabuki says no, and hopes you do as well.  Your joy at regaining your humanity  is all the thanks I require.  Although 10s and 20s go along way as well.  I am redecorating y'know.  And kabuki on a budget is a sad, sad thing to see. So until next time, keep the love alive - and have a little fun.  tata    

Thursday

Frisky felons unite, let us raise our glasses high


Another day in the life of kabuki zero. Some say legend, others say superstar. I will let you choose your own superlative for moi. (be nice) Yesterday I broke the unwritten law. I sold some of my jewelrys. You should never ever do that, but these are troubling times. I blame Hitler. He was bad and now he is dead, and I lay the blame at his little Nazi feet. (fat bastard) Appropriately attired I set off for the local jewelery buy/swap/sell store. (ick) I had been there when it was just a 'sell' store - apparently it has branched out. I walk in. There is an enormous Vuitton bag on the counter. A little man is trying to sell it. He is the store owner - and he has on way too much jewelry. And if kabuki thinks it is too much - oy vey! I walk over to him as the Vuitton customer declines to purchase said bag. "How much for the Vuitton bag?" I ask smartly. "A Grand" says little jewelry man. "Seems kinda low" I state to him. "Oh, it is $2700 at the LV shop" he says. Apparently I have passed the "Thousand Dollar Handbag" test. I guess if I had shrieked and looked stunned he would have escorted me out. "I would like to sell a few items" says I, reaching into my pocket. I noticed him eyeballing my diamond ring. "Not that" says I. Out comes a velvet box. I offer up my wedding band, a diamond cross, some little baubles. He picks up the cross "I am looking for larger stones" he says. He is wearing nothing larger than a .25 carat. But I would estimate he has on 10 carats of bling. (eeech) "That is .50 carat of white diamonds in 18K white gold" says me to little lord bling, "Give it back to me". and back into the velvet box it goes. I sell the assorted rings and such for some much needed cash. Thank god I switched to 18K gold years ago - or I would not have got a thin dime from that man. I notice the rolex watches in the case. "Would you like to see one of them?" he grins at me. "I have one thanks" I casually mention as I peer into his beady eyes. His salesperson hollers from across the store "the bank is on line one, they must speak to you before noon". He excuses himselfs and then stands directly in front of me as he speaks loudly into the phone. "Hi Brenda, did I overdraw again? My bad, just take Ten Thousand out of the other account to cover it. Thanks, bye". Who was that little display for, I wondered. Me, the salesperson, maybe even himself. I thank him, he thanks me, and I head off to Walmart to buy an installation kit for an icemaker, and a spline tool so I may re-screen the screen door. Several errands later I hit McDonalds with my netbook, and find out I am a big winner. I splurge and have french fries instead of salad. What decadence. I must still be dizzy from all those little diamonds shining at me this morning. I wonder if the jeweler makes the staff call him 'Mo Shiny Dee' or 'twinkle cracker'. I must stop in again soon. And remember to take my Vuitton shoulder bag. I have not played 'austentacious kingpin in years'. I am definitely going to need new flip-flops. Damn - I have to go back to Wal-Mart. It will have to be tomorrow. Today I must go downstairs and see what my sister has done to the kitchen. Smoothie all over the counter, and last night's dinner still hangs in the air. Let me hazard a guess. If you soaked a llama in raw sewage and then cremated the ass-end using a frypan, yes, I am going with that. Until we meet again fair reader - keep up the good fight, be kind to strangers, and put on something sparkly. I know I will.

Wednesday

At long last - RECOGNITION - A beacon of taste and glamour

a winning combination of beauty and luxury!
First, I am humbed and horribly troubled.  Why would I allow the huddled masses to peer into my living room.  Because I can, and because I care. First - the dog is not dead - he is sleeping.  He likes to sleep, and he is good at it. Been sleeping for 15 years.  It is what keeps him young.  He is resting in advance of physical exertion.  Like eating, or finding somewhere else to sleep.  Second - I found the lamp somewhere - and I screamed. This is the ugliest lamp ever - it will come in handy.  I had not found the correct shade when the contest was announced, so it went nude.  It doesn't work anyway - some lamp-hater cut off the cord.  I think being non-functional adds to its allure.  Third - if no one has ever brought ugly furniture to your home- well how sad is that?  Call me, maybe we can work something out.  In the mean time - before you throw the first stone, look around, and pick one out that will really fly.   Beccause good neighbors are hard to find, and if I ever visit your house you may rest assured that I shall be leaving an item of indescribable attractiveness tucked away somwhere.  As any really nice guest would.  I have been leaving little mirror balls behind, but now, as a contest winner, I may have to step up my game.  I welcome the challenge, and i fully intend to sleep in my crown.  Just not on that butt-ugly ass furniture.  kisses - the buki

Tuesday

Everybody sing along with the 5th Dimension

Is it the dawn of aquarius yet?  I must get a zodiac alarm watch, I would hate to sleep through any important astrological event.  Like they could have a major astrological event withou kabuki being involved.  I simply reek of astral significance.   While we enjoy our 80 degree spring day (I think weather is soo confusing), let us chat among ourselves.  I was cleaning my new digs when a knock sounded on the proverbial door.  "Can I borrow your tape measure?" asked my neice sweetly.  "Why? - oh go ahead, but I know where you live" I replied. She is my downstairs neighbor, although I must confess I was surprised she would want to measure anything.  She is at that age (12-29 years)  when ladies do very little measuring.  Men-folk work and such.  4 Hours later I descend  the stairs.  "Do you have any duct tape?" my sister asks.  "where the hell is my tape measure?" I ask my neice.  "Mom used it after me, then Dad took it".  Apparently I had missed some sort of family measuring event.  I wonder if there were refreshments.  I venture into the next room.  "You can't have it back" my brother-in-law says "Because it is broken.  They sure don't make things very well nowadays" he adds.That must be why his cheap ass never bought one.  "Funny, I've have had it for years, it must have been on its last legs" I state.  Then I go upstairs and get another one.  "Here, see if this one will suffice. And if you break it, it's your ass" I tell the old geezer.  "Better get your friends ready for your funeral" he says.  People - on a bad day I could take him,  and it was a good day.  "I am not having a funeral.  I want to be brought back to life" I inform him "So don't fuck with me".  My relatives - eeeech!  The reason I won everything is because I am a bit of a hoarder.  The reason have two of everything is because my dumb-ass relatives usually borrow one- and break it.  Then they are too scared to ask to borrow the other one, so I still have my  stuff.  In case I want to do something.  Like build an altar, or take apart a microwave oven to make a ray gun.  In case aliens attack. Or like maybe I would need a ray gun once I was a Zombie. Having been brought back to life, which is going to be my final wish.  Because people are always trying to kill zombies.  Because people can be some jealous bitches when it comes to the undead.  At least that is how Hollywood portrays it.  I will definitely have to look into this whole zombie-hating conspiracy, because Lord knows I will not have the time once I am undead.  I plan to be busy, busy, busy.  Probably eating brains and important things like that.  Just so you know.  Later