Thursday

suffer the little children



So sorry to be away for so long.  Heat, humidity and physical labor have conspired to keep kabuki down.  Just like the man used to down.  kabuki continues to fight (single-handedly) the evil that faces mankind.  And by that I mean of course - my sisters' kitchen.  Yesterday- sun-dried giraffe entrails with gulf-oil slick gravy. (just a guess).  Needless to say I am preparing my own delicasies upstairs.  As well as scullery maid, I cotinue to move my belongings from nextx door (old residence) to upstairs (new residence).  It is exhausting work, and if Felix says 'hoarder' one more time he is out of the will.  Just because some of us need an occasional change of clothes, it isno reason to be unkind. Perhaps if kabuki did not look so good it would be easier.  Is it my fault if designer duds love the kabuki frame?  Yes it is, and don't hate me for it.  Hate me for something else.  I don't care anymore.  I just get up everyday and make you kids breakfast.  Cold comfort, thats my thanks.  Speaking of breakfast, I tried Grape Nuts cereal the other day.  I think they mistakenly put kitty litter in my box.  Won't pull that box out for company, that's for certain.  And whileon the food theme - please help kabuki to understand.  As kabuki ate Costco pizza (it's good), a young family sat down with their pizza.  They then covered each and every slice of pizza wita a layer of pickle relish.  I said layer, like a quater of an inch thick.  And they ate every bite.  At first I thought they were from middle europe, but I later dismissed that notion.  What if they were from outer space?  That is how you tell space aliens on tv.  They are always eating something disgusting.  And it clicked. My sister - why her entire family - they could be space aliens.  I mean really - nobody cooks like her. I know, because Ihave been around.  I would say ask Felix, but he'll just say something snarky. That's why I often sing "My bologna has a first name, its F E L I X".  Then  laugh wickedly.  You  should try and laugh wickedly at least once a day. Preferably when you are alone, because that seems more devious to me.  But kabuki may be wrong (I'm not). What with the space aliens so close.  And don't worry about my lineage, I am convinced there was a mixup at the hospital where I was born.  And that hospital has since been torn down.  All very X-Files.  I would ask David Duchovny - but he is such a perv.  Another unanswered question in kabuki's life.  Such an air of mystery - I know that is what they say.  About kabuki.    Who can blame them?  So very sad. 

Best we move on. Any and all readers who may remember the Prize-winning Pirate furniture that disgraced kabuki's living room will delight to know it has moved on.  Ithrew each and every piece off the second floor porch. I then loaded the broken remains into a truck, and they were placed upon a pileof brush, soon to become a bonfire.  And what a fire it be,  as the nasty pine wood - stained poop-brown - is reduced to ashes.  I shall raise a glass, and toast my future- future unencumbered by pirate furniture.  Now to do something about those draperies.  Peop;e are breaking in to my house.  And they are leaving hideous draperies.  What can it mean, dear reader?  Is kabuki doomed to a life of ugly fabric? How  is one to look out the window.  I have been using a stick to push back the offending curtains, but surely that cannot continue.  I expect that stick to disappear any day now.  Because stuff disappears around here.  kabuki is not saying conspiracy, but I'm not NOT saying it either.  wink nudge.  And just look at my living room - my sister has 1 hour to remove this crap, or I am tie-dyeing the lot of it.  And then kabuki will feed it to goats.  So until next time, know that kabuki is doing all a superstar can do to rejoin the interweb, and live life the civilized way.  abiento.

Tuesday

IN A TOWN WITHOUT PRETTY

Two words- HA  VOC.  It has been havoc around here, in no smallt hanks to my relatives.  eeech, somebody get me a tazer.  I actually raised my voice yesterday.  Was it overcast where you were?  Now you know why.  Kabuki raised a cry to the very heavens.  I was installing the large window ac into my humble dwelling with the help (HA!) of my deranged brother. When I said "I got this bit" he stepped up and stuck his ugly mug in my face.  Let us just say heat & humidity do not love kabuki. They are jealous bitches.  Especially the hot heat, that's the worst.  But I digress:
Having been selected (again) to compete as America's Sweetheart, I had to go and see the Beauty Commission at their secret headquarters (Paris).  They were trying to head off a scandal like the one that royally fucked last years television special.  I am sure you remember (who doesn't) that kabuki was in the lead - having nailed both swim wear and evening wear - when out of the blue she was disqualified.  By the polish judge.  The one who looked like a cow.  I mean people, she mooed me.  It seems there is a little used clause that disqualifies anyone who is too beautiful, so the mortals can have a chance.  She felt my beauty was both timeless and ethereal, and thus kabuki was shown the door.  I mean,compared to her kabuki was dazzling, but she was tattered(and not in a good way).  SOOOO anyway, I had to jet to Paris - oopsy - kabuki means jet to secret location - to verify that my beauty was not off the scale (again).  Good news - kabuki is in like flint.  And just wait until they catch my talent competition entry.  This year, for talent, kabuki will time travel.  to macedonia.  to get some earthenware.  judges just love pottery.  It's as good as in the bag, which is where I would keep it, because the statuette is heinous.  Imagine a bronze erte piece. Now imagine the exact opposite.  kabuki believes you understand.  This is why I have a bag of trophies, kabuki is not one to make a display.  kabuki is one with the little man.  the common man.  the everyday joe.  just remember NO TOUCHY FEELY STUFF!  Or kabuki will beat you with a bag of beauty trophies.  and that won't be pretty. trust.  kisses till soon.
ps  Felix and kabuki were discussing someone kabuki dislikes.  Felix postulated it was because we are similar.  kabuki is taking up a collection to have Felix's head examined - because he is surely out of his mind on this one.  KTHXBAI