Sunday

California Dreamin

kabuki could just scream.  Because, you see, the barometric shenanigans that foretell snow also set kabuki's pain meter to turbo. But do your worst mother nature - you bitch.  It's just pain.  kabuki can handle pain.  However kabuki is afraid of this years' cold & flu season.  kabuki has obtained the required flu vaccine (or so they said - it could be a tracking device), but kabuki doesn't know what strains of flu are covered.  Just today, while shopping in Target for a few items I saw a lady who was obviously contaminated with the dreaded HO virus (also known as the skank flu). She walked in the door, turned to wait for her man, and coughed full open-mouth on the exit door.  "Great" kabuki thought, "i'll just go out the fire door".  kabuki is moving in 3 short weeks, and does not have time for the skank flu.  You know it makes you get a 'tramp stamp'.  If you already have one (so sad), then you move up to a 'tittie tattoo'. Add some cheap jewelry and hair color,  people kabuki might not survive such an ordeal.  Once the other infected citizens (or white trash) saw what a delectable morsel kabuki was - well lets just say walmart would be catering the wedding reception.  (horror)
While we discuss horror, a certain JohnDoe clued kabuki into cam4 - a sex webcast debacle that will surely set mankind back 100 years.  But so worth it.  90 percent of the webshows are just male torsos - no head and nothing below the groin area.  While you would think this would appease the masses- it appears to only egg them on further.  "show your ass, show your feet, tickle yourself, pee on a grapefruit" - the demands are endless, and endlessly unusual.  There is a sexual identity label for the webstars - and kabuki will break it down for you.  If it says they are straight - they are bisexual.  If it says they are bisexual - they are gay.  If it says they are gay - sweet mother of god, turn off the computer, find a bible, and retreat to the living room coat closet, because they are scary as shit.  Of course kabuki dashed out to purchase a web camera, and cannot wait to open the first 'self-help' webshow on cam4.  Because i am not getting within a country mile of most of these children, and what most of them seem to need is a good solid boot to the forehead.  kabuki would have said ass but about half of them seem intent on inserting any manner of devices into the previously-mentioned orifice.  If that is your ballywick - well then good on ya, but airing it at 1080p for the world to see.  Ack!  Most people do not have a high-definition ass.  It is sad but true.  And sadder still that it was left up to kabuki to tell this to them.  It is a lonely road kabuki walks, but at least i know were it is headed.  Yes dear readers, it seems kabuki is finally headed towards Happytown.  Unpleasantville will soon glimpse kabukis' fine white ass for the last time as it heads west, with all matter of  accoutrements.  And kabuki will not be inserting any of them into any part of kabukis' body. And should kabuki accidentally fall on one of them while naked, kabuki will have the good sense to unplug the webcam first.  It has been said before, and now it is said again, "I don't do shows.  I am an artiste."  adieu

a confused kabuki sits quietly

kabuki has questions.  So many questions.  Like - does this sofa make you pee a little?  

And what about this chair?  Can you keep down the asparagus, or would this seat make you hurl?

 Kabuki has a real bug up her butt about danish modern and/or mid-century decor for the interior of the 1965 Chalet Mobile Home being readied to be the next kabuki HQ.  While kabuki knows you will never stop in - even though you are most cordially invited - kabuki still feels this decision is too weighty for just one brilliant mind (mine) to decide.  Some of you may remember the pirate furniture that won kabuki the coveted 'most hideous  furniture' award at  INFOMANIAC.  The award-winning furniture was subsequently damaged beyond repair when kabuki accidentally threw each and every piece off the second floor landing.  A subtle hint to remain on kabuki's good side, which is easy, because kabuki does not have a bad side.  The camera loves kabuki - and we are all excited with the prospect of renewing the photographic explorations of beauty and taste we are so well known for.  And kabuki is also pleased that we are referring to ourselves as 'we'.  Kabuki has gone plural - what could be next - sycophants?  Kabuki says 'bring it'.
While kabuki is in an asking mood - what type of foliage would look best in the desert? 

Kabuki is most familiar with tropical bonsais and small, ornamental  shrubbery.  All JohnDoe  can say is 'succulents - i have some in pots'.  Please remind kabuki to plant JohnDoe in a large pot, and then surround him with succulents.  In all fairness, JohnDoe also went on about a 'horsetail plant', which kabuki feels is one of the most unattractive plants found in nature.  It looks like it has just been mowed, sort of '12th hole fairway'.  Anyway - don't bring one within ten feet of kabuki - or kabuki will bonsai it.  And not in the good way.  OK, everybody remember your homework,  kabuki awaits your vital input.  bye-bye

Friday

the golden age of kabuki

whenever people get together and the subject turns to kabuki (aand lets face it, kabuki as a topic of conversation has saved many a gathering), oft times there is pondering upon kabukis' Golden Age or period au,  if you will. the early years - a kabuki driven by creativity itself.  unable to be anything but kabuki.  was that the best period?  perhaps the blue period - kabuki struck down by unknown ailments, walking with a cane and self-medicating like crazy.  many people prefer the later years - house-bouncing, car-selling, shopaholic with an eye towards cashmere and diamond-encrusted 18k gold.  this period is the kabuki-against-the-world period, a certain ominious presence can be felt underneath much of the work of this time.  Personally, speaking strictly for kabuki and myself  (for sometimes we are two and sometimes we are one) the golden age of kabuki is ahead.  many things to do, see, and make up wildly inappropriate stories about.  knowing there is a tomorrow allows kabuki some glimmer of hope, a bright light in the distance. kinda like the one that always shines through the curtains directly into your eyes whenever you stay in a cheap hotel.  research done by kabuki intimates that this is required by the shadow-government.  kabuki would venture a guess that the shadow-government is comprised of people with no more sense the the people in the real government.  what happened to the lizard overlords?  they were supposed to be clever. although most of the iguanas i met are a bit lethargic.  could the lizard overlords be behind global warming?  are their scaly hands involved in last years stink-bug invasion.  kabuki is still finding stinkbugs in the house.  stuck my hand in my bathrobe pocket - et viola - a stinkbug.  kabuki has a difficult time relaxing as it is, what with overlords and shadow governemnts.  (hint:  hush money would provide a change of topics)  kabuki does not need to stop the chillaxing process to wash one's hands and lounge garments.  perhaps it is all being orchestrated by the far left coast - in order to speed up my right coast departure.  please know that kabuki is working day and nite, (up to 4 hours a day sometimes) to get over there.  it is not kabuki's responsibility to save hollywood - both television and movies - from utter boredom.  get johnny depp to remake some old french film.  maybe matt damon could take a break from appearing in every movie made (shades of micheal caine), and pen another buddy-with-brains movie.  what is jon voight up to?  people of the west, kabuki cannot do it alone.  (actually kabuki can do it alone - but kabuki refuses)  do not let kabuki show up to find everyone just laying about.  kabuki don't do siestas.  but a glass of sangria sounds nice, and perhaps one of those warm pork salad sandwiches.  until next time - my darlings - know that your are in my heart and my mind.  so stop making so much noise when kabuki is tring to nap.

Monday

you are the one, now is the time

thank you bryan ferry - for such a poignant opening.  kabuki was momentarily at a loss for words.  a rare occurance, but my mind is troubled.  no, i would say bothered is a better descriptive.  ennui - i reek of it.  kabuki must cast  off the surly bonds of winter and prepare for the trek west.  kabuki is sad, cold and alone.... so lets fix the cold part.  kabuki will address sad next.  actually a road trip might just shake the doldrums from kabuki's lithe carriage. and as for the alone part, tis best for now.  so many decisions to ponder - so when does kabuki find the time to breakin a new beau?  suppose kabuki slips and damages the aforementioned beau.  kabuki knows the cold hard facts regarding love.  beaus simply are not returnable.  you break it, you bought it.  although kabuki is working on a no-penalty broken beau return plan.  perhaps if we all pitched in together.  kabuki says send all those lightly soiled beaus to holland, perhaps they can be trained to plant tulips.  and kabuki knows where those beaus can plant those tulips!!  (wow - what a lot of work for such a small payoff)

if there is anyone out there who is having a fabulous and fascinating winter of 2010=2011, would they please keep it to themselves.  if kabuki sees any over-the-top celebratory individuals kabuki will just snap.  it is true that misery loves company.  and nothing helps a bad mood like sharing it with others.  see. kabuki feels better already.  and apologizes for wasting your time with this go nowhere blog entry.  kabuki will cook up something really good for next time.  think unfound rumors and distasteful innuendos, because that is where kabuki shines.  and we all need to shine sometimes.

Wednesday

Doomicile for kabuki? Can our heroine escape a fate worse than deaf? What?

kabuki thanks the site where this kitty was found.  Now on  to business.  kabuki is aware of the grumblings and rumorettes that have been  floating around this fair planet.  let kabuki put your mind at ease.  everything you think you heard is true.  all of it.  moving on.   someone recently told me i was high at the event i was telling them about.  "I was twelve" i replied hotly, "and I most certainly was not".  "Well there is the problem" they said "you should have been".  Reverse logic applied at kabuki.  brilliant!  well played - kabuki thought.  "they can learn" kabuki mused, i will have to watch out from now on.  And people think kabuki is paranoid.  "deluded" they cried, in a sing-song chanty kind of way.  Like the Osmond boys with just a hint of Children of the Corn

It is snowing here again.  kabuki is not pleased with the snow.  it was just last week kabuki accused Felix of Hollywood of having a weather machine.  kabuki does not remember why just right now, but kabuki is sure the reasoning was quite sound.  you have to trust the decision making process.  and kabuki does.  anyway, now it would seem the very same device is in the hands of the enemy.  trust felix to leave planetary control devices laying around.  probably left it in his car.  felix drives a 1963 dodge dart.  it is black with avocado doors.  felix adores this car.  he calls it 'shalimar - princess of the i80.  he often speaks of adding a supercharger to that sweet small-block.  kabuki does not know what that means, but it seems oddly sexualized.  mildly disturbing -no?

the spring holds such promise for kabuki.  kabuki would like to remind the readers of this little news blog (because it ain't nothing but news that kabuki is frying up in the skillet of truth. so recognize)  that with so many decisions to be made at one time, it is possible that a miscalculation can occur.  So if kabuki puts up a blog about installing purple shag carpeting in the living room of Kabuki HQ, i would ask that the readers wait a day or two before slicing and dicing kabuki like puffer-fish sushi.  All except Norma Desmond - that tart couldn't hold her tongue with barbeque tongs.  and kabuki has already forgiven her.  what grace.  tatas

Thursday

You are my starship, come take me home tonite

With feckless abandon kabuki has selected a new base of operations.  I don't see why people get so crazy about real estate.  I liked it, it was cheap, I bought it.  No I didn't visit in person, it's 2000 miles away.  I did look at several lovely pictures and speak with a most charming lady.  People - it is not like I dropped six figures.  We are talking mobile home in the desert.  Just how much would you pay?  Exactly.  And kabuki paid way less than that.  So it is a bit of a fixer-upper, at least kabuki won't be ripping up new stuff.  "Oh, I see you have selected a lavender brocade with splashes of silver for the kitchen.  How nice.  Do you think it will stand up to the heat?  (Of the blowtorch kabuki would have to take to it.  Have to, not want to.)  Surely you must have gathered by now that kabuki is a bit off the ordinary.  Why kabuki is expected to perform and behave like a sensible person now?  Kabuki has always been this way.  All my extremely interesting life.  And what is more interesting than moving to the other side of america?  Now you know why kabuki is so sought after for dinner parties.  No akward silences when the big k is dining with you.  "Did you know i once set myself on fire while chatting up a cutie in a bar?" OR "Did you know you can remove brocade wallpaper with a blowtorch?"  These are subjects that positively enhance any fine dining experience.  Trust kabuki in this, as you must trust kabuki in all things.  kabuki will never lie to you unless it is expedient to do so.  And that is why kindness is kabuki's middle name.  kabuki kindness zero - sounds like a missile launch code.  kabuki might have to rethink the middle name, to stave off an unwanted missile launch.  Although kabuki doubts the missile would be pointed at kabukis' new desert hq.  Best to be sure.  Housewarming hints - stove, fridge, washer & dryer, dishwasher, and some cute tea towels. Because you can never have too many cute tea towels.  Gotta go, need to hypnotize someone into driving cross country with kabuki, 2 insane parrots, a senile chihuahua and a truckload of Virginia wine (the perfect hostess gift).  We shall chat again soon, this is only going to get more interesting.  Ciao!

Sunday

Battlestar Saturnia


Under the leadership of the famed military leader Commander Zero the Battlestar Saturnia and her crew take up the task of leading the "ragtag fleet" of survivors into space in search of a fabled refuge known as California.  Fleeing the stinkbugs, Commander Zero will soon head westward with the remaining survivors of Planet Kabuki.  Yes, the planet is named after me.  Get over it.  When you are a megastar you can name shit after you.  Until then please show proper respect people. damn!  Having planned the escape from the stinkbugs for some time, Commander Zero realizes the 'right time'' is as often made as it is not.  Seizing the moment (and some other things - like moisturizer) the Battlestar Saturnia is made ready.  The 1996 purple metallic saturn station wagon will be fitted with death lazers, and a magnetic sheild.  If ammunition runs short Commander Zero may jettison the cargo in a last ditch effort to reach the fabled California.  The fate of the kabuki-race is in the hands of Commander Zero, and you do not want to know where those hands have been.  (remember the moisturizer - ha!)  We can all only hope and pray that the mission is successful.  Unless?  A plan of attack?  YES!!  It is believed by the inhabitants of the planet kabuki (namely me) that jewel-encrusted gold objects may provide the added luck (and bling) needed to acheive Commander Zero's worthy goal.  I am talking 18K or better people, kabuki is not a peasant.  And if I see one tanzanite or irradiated diamond - then the whole deal is off!  SO the plan is - as Commander Zero pilots the Battleship Satunia through the hazardous regions of space, he will swing by your place and pop open the space hatch.  Just toss the jewelry in, you don't have to make a big show of it.  And seeing as how the Battleship Satunia has shit for brakes, Commander Zero will not stop.  Jusy know how thankful we are all that you are doing your part.  And remember - delayed obedience is disobedience.  kabuki heard that one on the religous broadcasting chanel.  what fun.  So until soon, starting selecting your baubles, the space mission is off the drawing board and on the pavement.  Adieu