Thursday

In Xanadu did kabuki a pleasure dome erect

The cave of golden mysteries is well on its way to becoming the master bedroom of serene bliss.  if wild debauchery is desired - well there is always the front patio for that.  'caveat emptor' kabuki tells all prospective neighbors.  yes dear readers, kabuki occasionally speaks to the common man, frequently to remind them to stay the fuck off kabuki's lawn.  Is it still a lawn if it consists of rocks and sand?  methinks as much.  In the year the mansion was vacant several unscrupulous neighbors used the front yard as a shortcut to the dumpster.  It is now the shortcut to a tongue lashing by yours truly.  A rather unattractive man, with his wife and child was peering around the side of kabuki's house.  They - the three mouseketeers - were in for a rude awakening when kabuki stepped onto the front porch and loudly inquired 'May I help you with something?'  They fled like the illegal aliens they probably were (norwegian - kabuki is almost sure of it)

A master carpenter has been assisting kabuki with the renovation work in the master bedroom.  Kabuki was in for a small surprise when kabuki discovered that the window, which had been sheet-rocked over, was not nailed to the house.  'Just set it in place' the crazy ex-owner must have said, 'I am sure it will be fine'.  Which kabuki finds out of character because everything else in this place is screwed, nailed, and glued.  As if kabuki sat on exactly the fault line .  Which kabuki does not.  The fault line is two or three feet to the right of kabuki's house, to be sure.

Kabuki's neighbor lady has kindly offered kabuki 10 gallons of exterior house paint.  The shade is called dark peach.  She said kabuki could use it as interior primer, but kabuki thinks it would be better used to paint all of the palm trees in the neighbors yards.  Because kabuki has a plan to get all liquored up and walk through every front yard in the community.  As a sort of payback.  When people complain kabuki shall bow, exit gracefully, and return in the still of the night to paint their trees dark peach.  Kabuki has found no law against such behaviour.  Kabuki may just be on the cutting edge of horticultural painting.  And we all know what they say about whores and culture.

Tuesday

Universal Dischord

kabuki is so very over the universe at this moment in time - if the universe had any sense it would go and hide at walmart (kabuki never goes into the walmart clothing section.  ever)  But it does not possess any sense, and kabuki has documents to prove it.  My move was a horrendous nightmare of biblical proportions.  One person helped, my SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend).  He helped about 20% of the move, and was suspiciously absent for the rest.  Several of the local residents offered their services - but they were all over 60 and female.  kabuki had pillow detail, so they were not able to assist.  A fine example of my horwor - my terwor 'this is heavy' my sssbf intoned, as he picked up one end of the sofa.  'i thought the same when i carried it all by myself' said kabuki, who had the other end.  'muscle pussy' kabuki screamed silently, and not in a good way.  Another local friend, stricken with food poisoning, said 'let me take you out to lunch'.  'only if i pick the place' kabuki stated, for this ladies food service selection process was tainted.  (get it?)  While dining on cheeseburgers and onion rings kabuki broke a molar in half.  So there's that.  Unseasonably warm, yes add that to the mix.  'Can you show your place monday, tuesday, and thursday?' the property manager asked. 'NO' kabuki said 'because I am moving and stuff'.  sheesh.  After safely moving the birds kabuki let them out to explore the new digs.  The green ring neck parrot immediately starts eating the moulding.  The 40 year old mobile home moulding.  ick.  'Stop that!' kabuki says, shutting the bird back into its cage.  kabuki turns around to see the white cockatoo eating the moulding off the other wall.  'FAT JESUS' kabuki screams, and kabuki had had it up to there!  kabuki then got the attention of the universe. 'I HAVE HAD IT, AND I AM NOT HAVING IT'  kabuki tossed into the atmosphere. 'Problem, prettiest ballerina?'  the iniverse inquired.  'what is wrong with you, got a case of the evils or something? kabuki politely asked. 'I have NO idea to what you are referring' the universe said.  'Do not start with me universe, kabuki is in no mood to play.  Have you been paying attention to the clown party that is my move?' kabuki pressed, for you have to spell it out for the universe sometimes.  kabuki suspects the universe is a might slow,  but would never tell the universe, because that would be mean-spirited.  'You know the universe watches you very closely' the universe replies, 'for you are so very interesting - my dearest kabuki.'  'Well then, what is up with the SUPER-SECRET-STRAIGHT-BOYFRIEND not being available to help? kabuki asked.  'That is the SSSBF way.  You should recognize.  This is not your first SSSBF letdown.  What else?'  the universe says defensively.  '106 degrees, really?  Birds eating the walls.   really?  All by myself.  Really?  Broken tooth.  Really?  stop fucking with me, or kabuki will go medieval on your ass'.  kabuki stated, and not so sweetly either.  'Oh alright, let the universe make it up to you' the universe says.  'What did you have in mind, for kabuki is already the prettiest ballerina in the world ya'know' kabuki says proudly, and quite correctly.  For it is an honor to be the prettiest ballerina in the world, as many of you no doubt suspect.  'I have wanted to do this for years' the universe is really beaming now 'kabuki - you are now PRINCESS OF THE UNIVERSE!' the universe is positively shouting 'And no one deserves it more than you".  'True enough' kabuki states, 'and kabuki would like to thank the academy, etc'.
Thank goodness kabuki has several prepared speeches, for you never know when an award will pop up.  If you are kabuki.  Which I am.  Thank you one and all for supporting the kabuki during this summer madness.  And everyone is invited over for cake.  As long as you are coming over, bring some cake.  Because sharing is nice.  And if it is cluster-fuck time at your home - be sure and let the universe know it is time to straighten up and fly right.  Because it can't hurt to ask.

Friday

The INTERNET is alive (again)

stay tuned to this kabuki channel for exciting kabuki updates.  probably make up some stuff too. 
you cannot stop the kabuki.  like a train, kabuki will steamroll righ over your ass.  now somebody send me a housewarming gift of immeasurable beauty, like a picture of kabuki. HA!

Time is waiting in the wings

It is moving week here at Kabuki Acres, wish me luck.  Remember to keep the shiny side up (nascar slang), and kabuki will be back soon as he can.  My love is grotesque for you kids.  As always, if you are caught the IMF will deny your very existence.  Kabuki has yet to receive a heartfelt housewarming cheesecake from you slack-jawed inbred boozehounds.  (just a note to my family HA!)  The rest of you clowns go and do what you do best. as kabuki's return to the interworld is both foretold and imminent.