Saturday

No Man is an Ithmus


Whilst floating in my very own pool, reclining upon my very own pool float - demonic forces arrived.  (No not mexican children - they be scared of kabuki)  Rather, the built in radio went on the fritz - everytime a wave of water washed over the armrest, the radio changed to a christian station. This particular christian station featured a Jimmy Swaggart sermon.  He promised kabuki fire & brimstone if kabuki did not purchase his Study Bible.  Apparently ole JimJim has highlighted the Bible IN DIFFERENT COLORS!!!!!  Ba-zing. Just the thing for beating the word of God into Christian and non-Christian alike.  (kabuki refuses to name these non-christians because they take offense at everything.  They remind kabuki of thirteen year old girls - hatin on everybody). So instead of a gentle floating motion kabuki's pool float is surrounded by a frothing sea of maddness.  Kabuki can be seen pounding on the arm of the pool float screaming 'out out out you nasty pervert'.  Did kabuki mention the children are scared of kabuki?  Halloween is gonna be a blast.  Kabuki might not even  hand out candy, just jump out and take a piece from the little whippersnapper's candy bag.  Life is harsh, the children might as well learn it from a master.  Kabuki often sees the jealousy in the parents eyes when kabuki reminds them he is indeed childless.  Yes kabuki has animal friends, but you can sell them on Craigslist for Bingo money.  IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL!! 

In other exciting news, kabuki was returning from a walk around Desperate Palms with Liberty (the adopted poodle).  Kabuki has nicknamed him 'Limberger', because puppy breath is a very bad thing.  SO ANYWAY, kabuki noticed someone has moved kabuki's little red wagon.  (no it don't need fixing)  What miscreant has trespassed and violated my beloved wagon?  OMG  My beloved Super Secret Straight Boyfriend has delivered to my very door, IN THE DESERT, a three foot clam shell.  Minutes later SSSBF saunters in. the cock of the walk.  "What?  Why? How? Why? And of course Why?"  kabuki gently asked the eye-candy.  "The guy with the landscaping business was gonna throw it out, so I asked him if I could have it for you.  Nice, huh?"  SSSBF replied.  Mark my words, kabuki is gonna give that stud-muffin a lil' sumthin-sumthin.  Are you feeling what kabuki is cooking?  kabuki thought as much.  Kabuki is returned, and the world is alright once again.

Monday

One banana Two banana Three banana Four

Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.  Kabuki will be poolside, singing The Banana Splits theme song until he feels ready to face mankind once again.  Hiatus becomes kabuki.  tata

Friday

Give me Liberty or give me desks!

Behold the newest resident at Castle Rock (kabuki's doulewide mansion).  He is a two year old french poodle named Liberty.  His daddy is fighting in Afganistan and then will be fighting in Gemany, so he asked his mommy to find Liberty a new home.  Liberty was raised with parrots, so he was a natural for kabuki's parrot-laden home. He is quite friendly, calm, housebroken, and a picky eater.  All welcome Liberty into the Infomaniac world of delight.
Once another delightful note, in less than 24 hours kabuki will be receiving his first Infomaniac visitor.  The lovely and talented Donna Lethal is weekending in Desert Hot Springs and offered to buy kabuki dinner. (score)  She said 'I understand if you do not wish to show your work in progress house'.  Kabuki answered 'Are you kidding?  Kabuki requires anyone nearby to come and see the as-is state of affairs.   Kabuki does not wish people to think he just moved into a turn-key double-wide mansion of extreme tastefulness, NO NO NO.   Kabuki wants all to know the super-human effort required to make the house a home.  That being said, if Donna thinks kabuki is going to mop the floors she is sadly mistaken.  Kabuki dusted, vacuumed, and took out the trash.  Kabuki is now watching cartoons, sipping iced tea and nibbling on a chilled peruvian minneola.  After all, what does one expect from kabuki.  Have you ever mopped a floor in a silk kimono and white face.  Kabuki thought not.

Kabuki has decided a nice 19th century romantic bronze would be yummy on the patio.  Anyone who has an extra bronze should contact kabuki via this fantastic blog.  As a child of goodness and light kabuki deserves a nice bronze.  Let us spend no more time on this.  Thanks in advance from kabuki.

ps.  kabuki did not want another desk, so that is why kabuki is a proud french poodle parent.



Sunday

Desert Hot Springs - oh hell no

So here we are maties, preparing for Pirate Day (see mr peenees blog) when kabuki had to attend to a matter most despicable.  The 1996 purple saturn station wagon of love had just recently began to screech, especially with the ac running (which is always).  Kabuki is no stranger to auto maintenance - but it has been years since kabuki actually did any.  Kabuki prefers to pay people to do these type of nasty little tasks, because auto repair can be a severe pain in the ass.  However due to poorness (kabuki SUCKS at poorness), some matters must be attended in person.  ick ick ick.  Kabuki has just last week purchased 'belt dressing' and attempted to alleviate the shrill tone emnating from the previously mentioned engine compartment, but to no avail.  So kabuki dons a work kimono and heads to the local auto parts store.  It is located in nearby Desert Hot Springs, a veritable hot dry low-rent lock-the-car kinda place.  Kabuki never goes there, prefering the refreshing gayness of Palm Springs.  But kabuki does not need a hugo boss dress belt.  Kabuki needs a serpentine belt for a twin-cam 4 cylinder.  (did that turn you on?  man-speak)  Because kabuki is above all else a genius, he felt he could accomplish this arduous task single handedly.  Of course another manicure will die, but into each life some rain must fall.  As kabuki pulls into the turn lane to enter the parking lot of the auto parts store a loud snap can be heard.  Unfortunately it is not gunfire, it is the fan belt rendering itself useless.  Kabuki knows this because power steering is now a thing of the past, and the engine temperature needle goes straight to red.  In approximately 8 seconds.  (accursed desert heat)  Kabuki parks, enters and looks momentarily stunned.  The auto parts store is entirely staffed by smallish lesbians.  Not a cute boy in the vicinity.  Why does God punish the faithful?  Am not kabuki a child of light?  Damn damn damn.  Kabuki purchases the needed part, also picks up a cute little butterfly windscreen stick on.  Kabuki firmly believes automobiles require gifts to let them know they are loved.  Having owned 2 dozen cars you must trust kabuki in this.  As you should trust kabuki in all things.  But whatever - kabuki don't judge.  Returning to the car with my purchases kabuki notices the temperature is still HOT HOT HOT.  Car is obviously taking a hint from kabuki. (ba-zing! humor in the face of adversity is kabuki's bread and butter)  Speaking of foodstuffs, kabuki has adopted a little grey french poodle named Liberty.  Liberty's daddy is in Afganistan fighting.  From there he has decided to go fight in Germany, so Liberty needed a home.  Liberty was raised around parrots, and treats them with the indifference kabuki requires in a housepet.  Liberty requires dog food, so kabuki walks over to the grocery store IN DESERT HOT SPRINGS.  See, kabuki can mix with ordinary folk.  As long as they don't speak to kabuki.  Or touch kabuki.  Why is it the starving masses always want to lay hands on kabuki?  You just know they are not faith-healers, more likely trying to lift kabuki's coin purse.  Thankfull for the many folds of my work kimono (it's easy care denim polyester), kabuki's coin purse is safely stashed.  As is my disdain for the elderly black couple sexy-talking in the produce aisle.  Momma said she wants hamburger, daddy says he has some chorizo.  Kabuki is apalled.  Locating the dog food kabuki flees the grocery store before somebody takes a fancy to 'the pretty boy in the blue china-man dress'.  Risking death and dismemberment kabuki flees back across the parking lot with a bag of dry dog num-nums.  kabuki limps the station-wagon-of-love home.  After much online research kabuki has learned to change the serpentine belt on a  Saturn wagon you need to remove the right front wheel and inner fender skirts.  Because some moron at saturn put the engine in sideways.  Porsche, BMW, Jaguar, Mercedes Benz, Cadillac, Lincoln, Corvette, Mustang GT - yes kabuki has owned them all,  and they all had the engine facing forward.  People of Saturn listen up - stop trying to re-invent the wheel - for heavens' sake.  Oh wait - you went bust.  Puzzling.  So as soon as the stormy weather leaves the desert playground of kabuki - he will go and get physical.  One may wonder 'kabuki  - where is Super Secret Straight Boyfriend'?  Playing bingo with his momma, kabuki hopes he gets a paper cut BIG TIME.  Shoulda snagged a lesbian at the auto parts store, but you just cannot let them on the furniture.  sadness becomes kabuki.