tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82787812990597870502024-02-19T05:16:28.926-05:00The man who told the Worldkabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.comBlogger145125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-10725725737736353312016-11-29T16:29:00.000-05:002016-11-29T16:29:54.595-05:00Nothing - just nothing - then it exploded?'You Imbecile' kabuki spat, slicing the man from right shoulder to left hip with the most darling sword (Macys - who knew?). 'My dreams are not broken, my heart is' kabuki said to the two pieces of man now bleeding on the ground. kabuki thought he looked remarkably like an undercooked ham, and not at all in a good way.<br />
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kabuki entered The Hall of Dreams, clutching a red silk bag tightly. The Hall was filled with light from hidden windows, making the entire marble room seem alive. It was a magnificent place, a sort of Italian Renaissance meets ZsaZsa Gabor. Columns, fret work, just a little too much of everything. One of those 'what god would do if he had the money' sort of structures, and kabuki felt right at home. Of course kabuki had been here before, several times in fact, conducting all sort of business. <br />
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In the back of the hall a single door beckons, kabuki strides ever forward, noticing just how loud kabukis' tap shoes are. 'Dammit, they look so good with this melon-colored silk kimono, noise be damned' kabuki thinks, and opens the door to find a frumpy little woman looking over her glasses at kabuki. 'Tap shoes, really' the woman says. 'Its called Fashion Brenda - look it up' kabuki snaps, noticing that the woman has on some rather ugly nurse clogs. Good thing kabuki left the sword outside to in the car, or there might be some clogs meeting their maker today. Miss Frump asks to see kabuki's bag, and kabuki hands it over. 'Broken dreams again dearie' she says, while opening kabuki's little bag. 'Oh, I see. Well you know the way.' Miss Frump points to a set of French doors that open to a small garden, set behind the great hall of dreams. kabuki empties the bag into a little hole by a lovely Japanese Maple (kabuki's favorite tree), says a silent prayer to no one in particular then goes back inside. A nod to Miss Frump and kabuki moves to enter the great hall. 'See you soon dearie' Miss Frump says a little too cheerfully. 'No, that was the last of them I'm afraid' kabuki says quietly. 'No need to be afraid' Miss Frump almost whispers, 'All my dreams are dead and buried as well' .kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-86109408598619525622016-11-06T18:17:00.002-05:002016-11-06T19:25:07.979-05:00The path not chosen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Where what why who and more, stay tuned. Mea Culpa - or not. Heart attack. carotid endarectomy with another coming, several near death experiences - just a shitload of nonsense. Moving on.<br />
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We all know about SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend) and the madness that was kabuki in love. Leave me my dreams, for they tear so easily. Like tissue. (Very few people are quoting La Dolce Gilda, it is kabuki's way). But let us delve together dear children, how did this union that was not to be come to be? You better hold onto something/anything.<br />
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One perfect evening in Palm Springs, long before kabuki lived in Castle Rock (those that know will remember my 1967 single-wide mid-century dollhouse) kabuki became bored, bored of such fabulous surroundings and proceeded to prepare for an evening dip in the communal hot spa. One of the many reasons kabuki moved to this little valley was because of the in-ground, year-round mineral hot spa. Kabuki still visits at least once a day, going on 6 years later. It is simply heavenly. Pop a Percocet, snag a flexeril, visit MaryJanes's house (drug slang. this is getting good, right?) Slip into a little designer swimwear and off to the bubbling pool kabuki goes. Kabuki strolls the 300 paces to the pool, entering thru the bougainvillea arbor some foolish romantic had erected. It serves as a portal to the spa of eternal wetness, kabuki just finds it a good place to lose an eye. Have you seen the thorny spiky death wands sticking out every two inches on these vines? GACK. Imagine if a rosebush and a cactus had hate-sex. Desert life seems so mean spirited, but I digress. As I enter the spa enclosure (we have to enclose everything in California, thanks a lot) I see a man in MY spa. And not just any man, a man-child of extremely attractive proportions. Like kabuki wrote out all the physical attributes that raise kabuki's blood pressure, and somebody went to the man-child store with ALOT of money. Moving on.<br />
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When kabuki says man-child you must understand. Must Must Must. kabuki does refer to a man not with the intellect of a child, but a man with his inner child thriving. Humming a little song, slapping the water to the groove, just seizing the joy of life and motor-boating it's titties. As kabuki demurely slips into the hot wet goodness the man looks up, his eyes light up, he say 'Hello'. There is genuine joy in his voice and it makes kabuki tingly. kabuki goes to the farthest spot from the man. Purposely looking everywhere else but you know where. We exchange small talk, and whenever kabuki glances in the direction of the pool guy, we are closer together. 'Oh my God, is kabuki sidling up yo Mr. Hottness like the wet slut kabuki is, or is Mr. Handsome coming in to size up the situation? (Be completely serious - isn't this exciting. You know you heart has speeded up). Turns out we both were. kabuki was not intentionally moving forward. but we ended up close enough to touch. Which we did not. The first time we actually did touch kabuki actually felt a electric charge. true story. The man then exits the pool, slings a towel over his body and stroll into the now exquisite bougainvillea arbor. Moonlight reflects off his perfectly wet, magnificently built frame. Turning his head he says 'See you soon.' At that exact moment in time the second great love of my life was born. SSSBF. kabuki had no say in the matter. The connection seemed almost spiritual. To this day, regardless of where we are on this path, we fit together like to old souls. People who are with us comment on this. <br />
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We became inseparable. kabuki was not smitten, kabuki was gobsmacked. Under all of the friendly back and forth seethed an almost unbearable lava hot current. kabuki thinks 'does kabuki reveal himself and probably ruin a great comradery? Or does kabuki fastlane past what has been most desired from childhood?' kabuki was paralyzed with fear. All of a sudden 3 visits a day become 3 visits a week. Then approaching a visit every 3 weeks. kabuki telephones and says 'don't know what is going on. Guess we should have had sex. I am done with you'. <br />
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We did not speak for over a year. Everywhere I turn, SSSBF is there. Everywhere I go, SSBF is there. kabuki gets a nod every time. A wassup - if you will, a 'Let's be friends?'. kabuki has no idea really, so kabuki pays scant attention. Life moves on. In a civilized community you must be willing to co-exist. We share friends. We can now politely converse, although we seldom are together without others. We have been in the hot spa together recently. For years one did not enter if the other was there. It remains a strained and distance based acquaintance.<br />
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kabuki's first great love and kabuki are ancient history. kabuki was the path not chosen. kabuki knows that we shall never meet again, but somehow kabuki remains convinced that we shall re-enact our passion play again, and again. We are forever doomed until one or both of us learn something. kabuki has no idea what that something is. kabuki's second great love is an unknown and perhaps unknowable destiny. We are entwined, there is a bond, a closeness kabuki has experienced with no other. There is also great pain. I leave you with the meanest thing ever said to kabuki. One night. close to the end, SSBF looked at me and said 'I will always choose another before you'. kabuki was the path not chosen,<br />
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<br />kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-15732724137869547972013-09-23T17:45:00.000-04:002013-09-23T17:50:25.958-04:00Carpe chocolate<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The view from kabuki's deck. kabuki's newest friend, whom kabuki calls edmund. Fun times.<br />
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Quite recently kabuki was in belgium with Lola Felana and Peyton Manning. kabuki was in search of the much-rumored divine chocolate truffle, Lola was shopping for headbands (?), and Peyton was on the lam. Apparently Peyton's brother Eli is a bit chatty. Anyways, while dining at a smart sidewalk cafe (the ham brioche was delightful), Lola spotted a headband vendor and salsa'ed her little butt over to the stall. Peyton and kabuki had pretty much decided that headbands made Lola look like a latin Patty Duke, but kabuki threatened to pinch Peyton under the table if he breathed a word of our discovery to the fashion-confused Lola. Peyton's phone rang for like the 73rd time (guess who?) kabuki snatched it and traded it to a small belgium child for his pet monkey. The monkey and Peyton seemed happy with the exchange, so kabuki set about the search for the perfect chocolate truffle. Lola returned, we assured her she looked divine in her purple beaded headband (not). kabuki decided it was time to visit the royal family of belgium, as kabuki is very fond of castles, royals, and jewels. Surely there must be a crown or two lying about the aforementioned castle, and kabuki just knew the Queen would have the inside track on chocolate truffles of a most delectable nature. Queens are good about these things. Plumbing repairs - not so much. kabuki's powder room is still a horror - due in no small part to Queen Elizabeth. kabuki will speak no further on this wretched affair. (aside - she also knows jack about truffles. It's like she is not even european royalty at all). While traveling thru the lovely streets of belgium, safely esconced in the back of a grey maybach guard (europe can get dicey, and neither peyton or kabuki can run worth a damn. kabuki swears it is the shoes), Peyton decided he wanted a pair of leather shorts. kabuki puts the blame squarely on Lola for the idea. kabuki assured Peyton that leather shorts were never, ever appropriate. Especially at the palace of the Belgium King & Queen. kabuki and you, dear reader both know that Queen Mathilde would plotz if Peyton came strolling into the royal hall in tight leather shorts. kabuki is already in disfavor with several Queens (imagine that), mostly for refusing to reveal where kabuki obtains the silk for the silk kimonos kabuki is famous for. kabuki just cannot. Can you imagin the horror, the trajedy, the humanity, when some silly Queen spills royal jelly on her silk frock. When kabuki's mercer read the latest Enquirer and saw Queen Thumblethumbs in her ruined silk frock - well the next kimono would be made of kabuki's hide. alas Always remember - days go by and still kabuki thinks of you. <br />
<br />kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-7643711115661985672013-09-10T14:29:00.005-04:002013-09-10T14:29:59.861-04:00Like a pocketful of smoke<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Kabuki has been to the small dark place inside of kabuki's soul. A quiet place, where kabuki sought solace from the everyday lonliness that pervades kabuki's psyche. Many times kabuki sat down to write - yet had nothing to say. Preferring to keep mundane and inconsequential minutia from kabuki's beloved followers (because kabuki cares), kabuki refrained. <br />
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World Update - Super Secret Straight Boyfriend is dead to kabuki (sad)<br />
Little black pomeranian is a long term visitor to kabuki's very own Palace Rock. She stands on her front legs (a perfect headstand) to pee, looking somewhat like a black fur lawn sprinkler. Entertainment at its best. The live-in poodle is beside himself with joy over having a flat mate. The birds - not quite so happy. Not even kabuki can win them all. <br />
Kabuki's has replaced the broken video camera, expect moving pictures soonly. WOW<br />
Kabuki contemplates a video blog - a committee has been formed to investigate the possibilities. Think viral, like dengue fever.<br />
A new doctor threatens to return kabuki to health. Weekly injections, night breathing machines, all very trendy scientificy types of affairs. Kabuki's has developed a wait and see attitude. Two rules - no injections into the spine. no injections into the eyeball. (you know the medical community loves to fuck with your spine and eyes - it is madness kabuki tells you.)<br />
Kabuki has been feasting visually via the Netflix people. The first season of the Man from U.N.C.L.E. is both the best and worst television kabuki has ever seen. When they found Hitler in suspended animation in a garage in Oxnard kabuki nearly succumbed. TASTY<br />
Work on the double-wide castle has slowed due to a cashflow situation compounded by a brutally warm desert summer. kahuki donned a waterproof silk kimono (hard to find) and floated like a water lily in the nearby pool. (Water does a body good)<br />
Kabuki has accepted that there is no love to be found in today's world. Alas. This is mostly an unpleasant side effect of being uniquely fabulous, so kabuki says 'fuck em'. An epiphany occured during a dream - kabuki was told to get busy with it (it being an artistic creative lifestyle), and informed that kabuki did not have much time. Kabuki reflected that time is an imaginary construct, and to defined 'much time' required parameters unavailable to kabuki. So kabuki will venture forth - alone but not afraid, beautifully bothersome, and joyous to know others are out there - somewhere - who care for kabuki as kabuki cares for them.kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-38577364754808088232013-05-21T17:35:00.003-04:002013-05-21T17:36:40.452-04:00Mea Culpa Mon DieuThe kabuki would leap upon kabuki's very own sword, but truth be told - it is as dull as a Dean Martin film retrospective. As a creature of immense talent and undeniable beauty, it is puzzling as to why kabuki has been away of late. Let us just say it was not all rainbows and butterflys here at Castle Rock. The fibromyalgi trio (pain, fatigue and depression) arrived early to the party, and once again overstayed its welcome. Imagine having the flu, falling down the stairs, then being sad about it. yuck. Kabuki's personal physician inquired as to kabuki's mental well-being, and kabuki blurted it out. "Sad dear Doctor, kabuki is depressed" kabuki spoke. The Doctor offered counseling, but kabuki informed herr Doctor that kabuki was in pain and fatigued, and would only require counseling if this made kabuki happy. So anyways, kabuki found oneself posing for the wikipedia despondent entry (thanks Annie Liebovitz). And like so many other creative geniuses that dance upon the very precipice of insanity, kabuki finds that depression fires up the creative juices. But dear citizen - these creative juices are dark - and kabuki tires of creating yet another 'blue period' masterpiece. (thanks Van Gogh). Now do not you fret your little citizen-mind, kabuki was assured of victory over the depression as surely as the sun will shine in your beady citizen eyes, but the time - oh sweet crispy jesus - the time. <br />
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Enough, let us continue in a lighter vein. kabuki's first houseguest has come and gone successfully. Much fun was had by all, and the lovely Castle Rock has recieved much needed sprucing-up. Photos later - to be sure. A birthday celebration was held (on kabuki's very own birthday - go figure) and so many well-wishers sprang up that kabuki was almost nearly slightly misty eyed. (which is a fabulous look for kabuki) While kabuki waited patiently at home for the delivery of the birthday porsche - it was simply not to be. kabuki hastens to remind others that delayed obedience is disobedience (thank you christian televangelists). Meanwhile kabuki's smallest charge - a green ring-necked parakeet did manage to lay an egg for kabuki's bd bash (better her than us). German chocolate cake was prepared and handed out to the guests - which numbered none. kabuki's memory is long dear children, almost painfully so. The day will come, mark kabuki's words - when a nearby attractive and yet still desirable person shall beg for kabuki's help. 'Please kabuki, help me put out the fire threatening to destroy my humble abode!' they shall plead. 'Just a minute, let kabuki see if this dried out birthday cake is an effective fire retardant'. And it shall not be the only thing retardant in that scene, believe kabuki. <br />
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kabuki had planned to spenn the $590 million dollar lottery winnings to purchase the Bob Hope estate located smack dab in Palm Springs, but apparently some floridian busy-body has spirited away kabuki's winnings. It remains remarkable how kabuki continues to shine as a pure and gentle soul in the midst of such tom foolery. kabuki can only think of one reason. Impending sainthood. But do not think kabuki shall abandon the silk finery of an extensive kimono collection for heavenly robes. kabuki has never needed wings to soar - and neither do you. So come fly with kabuki, and let us see what new dreams we can conjure up. kabuki loves you like candy - really.kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-44749498458404302402013-03-27T01:54:00.000-04:002013-03-27T02:06:27.310-04:00It's a boy Mrs Walker, it's a boy!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<strong>kabuki was recently sitting in a piano bar in Palm Springs with one of kabuki's imaginary friends. kabuki calls him Eddie Fingers. kabuki and Eddie go way back, but even Eddie will admit that kabuki is a mystery wrapped in a silk conundrum. "Tell me something" spouts Eddie. Although imaginary friends are never hard to find - they cannot hold their liquor worth a damn. "What would you like to know, Mr Fingers?" kabuki replied inbetween sips of a delicious beverage. "A story, tell us a story" Eddie pleaded. Eddie can be quite single-minded when hammered, kabuki felt it best to comply. Plus kabuki likes to comply with other peoples wishes at least once a season. It shows kabuki's inner child, that frail willed angel of sweetness that we all adore. Yes even kabuki adores kabuki, and how could he not?</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
<strong>It was the 80's and kabuki was appearing at the Hollywood Bowl, theorectically as the opening act for The Talking Heads. Everyone knew that kabukis' band. <em>kabuki and the excessive pleasures, </em>was the real reason anyone who was anyone would show up. In the 80s anyone who was anyone were important people to have on your team. If you catered to such behaviour - which kabuki did not. The place was packed, the show was memorable, yadda yadda yadda. However - unbeknownst to kabuki trouble was afoot. Gunter - our neo-nazi stagehand was preparing an eventful evening - undoubtably to cull favor with the many skinheads that frequented The Hollywood Bowl, A group of none, but Gunter was no rocket scientist. Gunter could barely separate out the brown M&Ms, which he coveted. Also Gunter was Egyptian - so there was much confusion about his name. Many pregnant women were given weird pills by their doctors at this time, maybe that influenced Cleopatra. (kabuki is guessing his mom was named Cleopatra, as there is no proof) </strong><br />
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<strong>Anywho, Gunter was ahead of his time in one respect. He had collected a large number of kittens who look like hitler. (they are called kitlers - don't ask how kabuki knows) Gunter planned to release these ferocious felines during the high point of the evening, thus wrecking havoc on the post-modern punk stylings of <em>kabuki and the excessive pleasures</em>. It bears repeating that Gunter was an idiot. Meanwhile kabuki is onstage performing the closing number of the set. kabuki believes it was 'Windmills of Your Mind'. The band played a toy piano and a slightly de-tuned bassoon. kabuki was wearing a delicious Vivienne Westwood kimono. It was made entirely of boy scout neckerchiefs and safety pins. kabuki was mad mad mad for Vivienne Westwood during the 80s. ( kabuki blames the drugs ) Realizing that time is indeed fleeting, Gunter leaps into action. He releases the kittens onstage, they head towards kabuki at top speed (note: kittens love kabuki). The bassoon player steps forward to avoid trampling a little hitler kitty. He steps on the back of kabuki's kimono - several safety pins let loose - and kabuki moons The Hollywod Bowl. To the sound of "Windmills of Your Mind". Pandemonium? HA - it took 30 minutes to calm the crowd to pandemonium levels (kabuki has a fine caboose). kabuki does not know how The Talking Heads set went that evening, as kabuki had some business to attend to. Suffice it to say Gunter was never seen again. And no one can really say why David Byrne wrote "Psycho Killer" soon after. It probably has nothing to do with kabuki, or that night. But some still say when the moon is high and the wind is low - if you listen very hard - you can still hear the pitter patter of little kitty hitlers across the stage.</strong>kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-57643257229479843342013-03-16T20:43:00.001-04:002013-03-17T15:17:21.701-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Beauty is as beauty does, or so they tell kabuki. Actually they shout it as the Zero Limousine races by. kabuki races almost everywhere these days, such is the life of a gigastar. Appearances, charity functions ET CETERA. If kabuki has to change kimonos in the back of a maybach landaulet one more time - let us just infer that some orphans may go without christmas this year. People it is all just too much. For you HAHAHA - sorry a little megalomania peeked out. People often ask kabuki, they say "kabuki - how does one achieve giga-stardom.?" kabuki kindly replies "kabuki achieves it naturally, you personally can only hope for divine intervention". Best to let them down softly, as kindness is kabuki's bread and butter. Beauty was born on kabuki and fame was soon thrust at kabuki - much like a peodphiles weeney. How was kabuki able to survive so many years of absolute stardom without ending up in a rubber room. First - rubber rooms smell funny, and kabuki dislikes offensive smells (incentive one). Second - they rarely send out your kimonos for proper cleaning and repair when you are in the rubber room hotel (incentive two) Third - let us just say that kabuki is stong minded. But really - the dirty kimonos were the deal breaker.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So what have we learned? We know now that kabuki handles the stress of stardom gracefully, gazelle like even. We also know kabuki does it for the children. So if you are an awkward teen, desiring to present the same magnificient visage as kabuki, let kabuki give you loving words of advice. "Bitch - kabuki got this, Go be you before kabuki makes you bonsai food</span>".</span>kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-61352480349402889772013-03-10T22:06:00.002-04:002013-03-10T22:11:28.669-04:00these are the times that fry mens souls<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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kabuki has come to you today dear readers, with a matter most important. Having felt poorly for a couple of days, faced with plumbing woes, a shortfall of cash - and frankly, more troubles that one cares to mention in mixed company. kabuki was laying in kabuki's extremely comfortable (and color-coordinated) bed ruminating on oh so many things troubling, when it smacked kabuki like a wet fish. kabuki does not care for smackings directed in kabuki's direction, it must be said. Sufficiently medicated, munching on a frozen girl scout cookie (don't ask), an epiphany of sorts was had. Aliens, california's elephant in the room, were the cause of kabukis' problems. Kabuki knows you are thinking Norwegians - and kabuki will admit that Norwegians are a scurrilous lot, but naynay dear reader, not this time. Space Aliens - probably Martians - are the crux of the dire situation. kabuki was discussing this very dilemna with Felix in Hollywood earlier today. <a href="http://felixinhollywood.blogspot.com/">http://felixinhollywood.blogspot.com/</a> Felix and kabuki both agreed on two key points: 1; Aliens seem to favor the desert 2. Aliens probably don't like to feel clammy. Both points kabuki is sure the reader will agree with. That is why kabuki favors the readers, because they are an agreeable lot. As opposed to Space Aliens, who may well having been adjusting the thermostat in kabuki's very own GE Profile refridgerator. As you may recall - that baby has like 8 lightbulbs. Was it the bright light beaming from kabuki's unit as kabuki concocted a late-nite snack? There is not one shred of evidence to prove otherwise. And why the fascination with all things kabuki? (I kid) Most sentient beings are fascinated by the giga-star kabuki, and all of the kabuki goings-on. Who could blame them, really? kabuki has exciting, adrenaline racing, miss the bus fun goings on. Whether perusing the neighbor's garbage (cleverly set out as yard sale goods), going toe to toe with recalcitrant hummingbirds (kabuki relocated their feeder), even explaining food safety to a misinformed poodle. People - normal people - do not have the type of day kabuki frequently has. kabuki fears they would not last a week in kabuki's shoes. (did you know kabuki has very attractive feet? thought so) Pardon - wandered a little off-topic there. It is because kabuki cares so much, and out of that caring comes sharing. kabuki is a fountainhead of information. Both pleasant and not. For kabuki pulls no punches my reader. That is how sports injury happen. So like kabuki was saying - can kabuki's dearest friend carry-on a large crystal chandelier when he flies coach cross-country? Are crystal chandeliers considered threatening weapons? Surely not to kabuki, who has a mirrored dining room that positively screams 'chandelier me'. kabuki suggested stretching fabric over the bottom of the device, upending it, and now you have a crystal parasol. And if the airlines have a policy regarding crystal parasols- well kabuki will never fly coach again. (like kabuki was gonna fly coach - HA)<br />
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<br />kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-68300251917941580472013-02-05T16:40:00.000-05:002013-02-05T16:42:56.493-05:00A testament to kabuki<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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kabuki reached out to an old friend today. Because above all else, kabuki is a giver. This is so widely known that only dead Nazis remain ignorant of the fact. And who cares about a few thousand dead nazis. Not kabuki for damn sure. As you can see by the attached photo, kabuki is rallying the turtle horde to do kabuki's bidding. Here you can clearly see the daily worship of kabuki in progress. kabuki actually had to have someone else snap the photo, because my litle denizens will not let kabuki out of their sight. And who can really blame them. Among many things you already know about kabuki, you know kabuki is easy on the eyes. That is the only easy part of kabuki. Neither cheap or tawdry, as befits a goddess with a turtle horde army. Just a quick aside : kabuki's beloved yamaha receiver is getting a bit wonky. kabuki loves it dearly, it has great sound, lots of power, and the remote will give a headache to all but true afficianados. If someone were to purchase a gift for kabuki - (not everyone is allowed to do so) it had damn well better be 1. porsche 2 yamaha receiver 3 diamonds. kabuki is disgusted to remind one and all that the kabuki diamond jubilee is gonna be held with kabuki wearing moissanite. (kill me) The shiny shinys have all gone (sob). Who really cares, certainly not kabuki. (kabuki is blue) There is currently a plan to overrun Tiffany's with commando trained killer turtles. They are on their way. Unfortunately aquatic turtles are not so speedy, and they have repeatedly wrecked the little hovercraft kabuki built for them, so they are hoofing it. Any day now their cross country trek will be complete. kabuki could have sent them local - but west coast diamonds? what does kabuki look like - a hoochie coochie girl? kabuki would use them in the garden - which no one has bothered to tend. (except kabuki) You have been warned. The turtle horde lives for kabuki. And amaretto sours. And french fries. You try and teach a killer horde about the food groups, go ahead. Your bones will litter the bottom of the duck pond. Next time - dangerous ducks.kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-37136024913254370842013-01-04T04:34:00.000-05:002013-01-04T04:34:16.602-05:00Odds & EndsFirsties - in the words of the late great Whitney Houston "BOBBY, kiss my ass!". Where was kabuki? The famed and often ill-advised kabuki was stricken with a malaise of no small stature. A malodorous, malingering malaise. When the goddess kabuki is depressed the creative spirit literally leaps from kabuki's delicate frame, but this malaise was more of a 'let us reflect on - oh crap, lets go play bingo!' Kabuki is not proud, but the holding pattern lasting the last quarter of 2012 has been banished. NFTL - as kabuki would say. (not feeling the love) Also not feeling any love is SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend) who was shown the door weeks ago. Arm candy is not enjoyable if you don't get to eat any of it. (kabuki does love the sweets)<br />
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Kabuki Laboratories has been hard at work, you will undoubtably be ecstatic to learn. We are all aware of physical micro-expressions - the little tells that give away your subconcious (or unconcious for a few of you POW!). Well here at Kabuki Laboratories we are working on cutting edge science with verbal micr-expressions - the little words that slip out after you think you have finished speaking. An example - Store Employee says "May I help you?" followed by a millisecond long "You hideous seacow". You reply "Just Browsing" with a verbal micro-expression "Look, a whore with a day job". People, you do not need kabuki to tell you this is going to be BIG BIG BIG. Why do you think Oprah went off the air? Kabuki cannot say another word. Patents and such. Kabuki knows you understand, and when the royalty checks start rolling in you are sooo invited over shrimp cocktails and such. Such such such. Such is going to be a buzz-word in 2013, kabuki has a vibe for trends. Perhaps it is time for another IN & OUT guide for the unobservant. Later, let us get thru odds & ends.<br />
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The parts of the animal kingdom residing at kabuki's doublewide castle remains fixed. 3 parrots (one moody, one crabby, one crazy). The poodle continues to be the happiest animal ever created, and trust kabuki when he tells you it is NOT contagious. Kabuki would render the dog senseless, but the cockatoo has claimed that task. She would take that dog down in a flash, except she adores the attention. Is this ringing any bells for anyone? Kabuki has no bone to pick with attention whores, needy little soul-sucking weasels that they are. <br />
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A friend from high school stopped by the other day. He was returning from the Channel Islands - where he and his spouse had welcomed in the new year. (probably some druid type affair) Anyways kabuki was lunched, and fun was the side dish. Afterwards we wandered Palm Springs until we came upon the 26foot tall Marilyn Monroe statue, called Forever Marilyn. Tourists were thick about the place. Why would you take your children with you on vacation? Seems pointless to kabuki. Were kabuki to be invited anywhere nice you can bet your bottom dollar the pets are not coming along. How do you get away from it all if it is 3 paces behind you? <br />
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What an informative and educational blog entry this is turning out to be. Or not to be - is that a question? Is there money to be made with an Angry Birds "Romeo & Juliet"? Can brownies be a breakfast of champions? Will Matt Damon visit kabuki soon? Does Canada have snow on purpose? Oh the stories Kabuki could tell. And will, because kabuki is back, and dammit - it just feesl right.<br />
kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-37083870522031527492012-09-29T21:51:00.003-04:002012-09-29T22:26:06.461-04:00No Man is an Ithmus<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Whilst floating in my very own pool, reclining upon my very own pool float - demonic forces arrived. (No not mexican children - they be scared of kabuki) Rather, the built in radio went on the fritz - everytime a wave of water washed over the armrest, the radio changed to a christian station. This particular christian station featured a Jimmy Swaggart sermon. He promised kabuki fire & brimstone if kabuki did not purchase his Study Bible. Apparently ole JimJim has highlighted the Bible IN DIFFERENT COLORS!!!!! Ba-zing. Just the thing for beating the word of God into Christian and non-Christian alike. (kabuki refuses to name these non-christians because they take offense at everything. They remind kabuki of thirteen year old girls - hatin on everybody). So instead of a gentle floating motion kabuki's pool float is surrounded by a frothing sea of maddness. Kabuki can be seen pounding on the arm of the pool float screaming 'out out out you nasty pervert'. Did kabuki mention the children are scared of kabuki? Halloween is gonna be a blast. Kabuki might not even hand out candy, just jump out and take a piece from the little whippersnapper's candy bag. Life is harsh, the children might as well learn it from a master. Kabuki often sees the jealousy in the parents eyes when kabuki reminds them he is indeed childless. Yes kabuki has animal friends, but you can sell them on Craigslist for Bingo money. IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL!! <br />
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In other exciting news, kabuki was returning from a walk around Desperate Palms with Liberty (the adopted poodle). Kabuki has nicknamed him 'Limberger', because puppy breath is a very bad thing. SO ANYWAY, kabuki noticed someone has moved kabuki's little red wagon. (no it don't need fixing) What miscreant has trespassed and violated my beloved wagon? OMG My beloved Super Secret Straight Boyfriend has delivered to my very door, IN THE DESERT, a three foot clam shell. Minutes later SSSBF saunters in. the cock of the walk. "What? Why? How? Why? And of course Why?" kabuki gently asked the eye-candy. "The guy with the landscaping business was gonna throw it out, so I asked him if I could have it for you. Nice, huh?" SSSBF replied. Mark my words, kabuki is gonna give that stud-muffin a lil' sumthin-sumthin. Are you feeling what kabuki is cooking? kabuki thought as much. Kabuki is returned, and the world is alright once again.kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-72235858387045865702012-09-17T16:04:00.001-04:002012-09-17T16:04:28.557-04:00One banana Two banana Three banana FourFour bananas make a bunch and so do many more. Kabuki will be poolside, singing The Banana Splits theme song until he feels ready to face mankind once again. Hiatus becomes kabuki. tatakabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-68464354937898978372012-09-14T18:25:00.002-04:002012-09-14T18:31:34.040-04:00Give me Liberty or give me desks!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Behold the newest resident at Castle Rock (kabuki's doulewide mansion). He is a two year old french poodle named Liberty. His daddy is fighting in Afganistan and then will be fighting in Gemany, so he asked his mommy to find Liberty a new home. Liberty was raised with parrots, so he was a natural for kabuki's parrot-laden home. He is quite friendly, calm, housebroken, and a picky eater. All welcome Liberty into the Infomaniac world of delight.<br />
Once another delightful note, in less than 24 hours kabuki will be receiving his first Infomaniac visitor. The lovely and talented Donna Lethal is weekending in Desert Hot Springs and offered to buy kabuki dinner. (score) She said 'I understand if you do not wish to show your work in progress house'. Kabuki answered 'Are you kidding? Kabuki <strong>requires</strong> anyone nearby to come and see the as-is state of affairs. Kabuki does not wish people to think he just moved into a turn-key double-wide mansion of extreme tastefulness, NO NO NO. Kabuki wants all to know the super-human effort required to make the house a home. That being said, if Donna thinks kabuki is going to mop the floors she is sadly mistaken. Kabuki dusted, vacuumed, and took out the trash. Kabuki is now watching cartoons, sipping iced tea and nibbling on a chilled peruvian minneola. After all, what does one expect from kabuki. Have you ever mopped a floor in a silk kimono and white face. Kabuki thought not.<br />
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Kabuki has decided a nice 19th century romantic bronze would be yummy on the patio. Anyone who has an extra bronze should contact kabuki via this fantastic blog. As a child of goodness and light kabuki deserves a nice bronze. Let us spend no more time on this. Thanks in advance from kabuki.<br />
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ps. kabuki did not want another desk, so that is why kabuki is a proud french poodle parent.<br />
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<br />kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-4243174707068355462012-09-09T16:53:00.001-04:002012-09-09T16:53:14.252-04:00Desert Hot Springs - oh hell no<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So here we are maties, preparing for Pirate Day (see mr peenees blog) when kabuki had to attend to a matter most despicable. The 1996 purple saturn station wagon of love had just recently began to screech, especially with the ac running (which is always). Kabuki is no stranger to auto maintenance - but it has been years since kabuki actually did any. Kabuki prefers to pay people to do these type of nasty little tasks, because auto repair can be a severe pain in the ass. However due to poorness (kabuki SUCKS at poorness), some matters must be attended in person. ick ick ick. Kabuki has just last week purchased 'belt dressing' and attempted to alleviate the shrill tone emnating from the previously mentioned engine compartment, but to no avail. So kabuki dons a work kimono and heads to the local auto parts store. It is located in nearby Desert Hot Springs, a veritable hot dry low-rent lock-the-car kinda place. Kabuki never goes there, prefering the refreshing gayness of Palm Springs. But kabuki does not need a hugo boss dress belt. Kabuki needs a serpentine belt for a twin-cam 4 cylinder. (did that turn you on? man-speak) Because kabuki is above all else a genius, he felt he could accomplish this arduous task single handedly. Of course another manicure will die, but into each life some rain must fall. As kabuki pulls into the turn lane to enter the parking lot of the auto parts store a loud snap can be heard. Unfortunately it is not gunfire, it is the fan belt rendering itself useless. Kabuki knows this because power steering is now a thing of the past, and the engine temperature needle goes straight to red. In approximately 8 seconds. (accursed desert heat) Kabuki parks, enters and looks momentarily stunned. The auto parts store is entirely staffed by smallish lesbians. Not a cute boy in the vicinity. Why does God punish the faithful? Am not kabuki a child of light? Damn damn damn. Kabuki purchases the needed part, also picks up a cute little butterfly windscreen stick on. Kabuki firmly believes automobiles require gifts to let them know they are loved. Having owned 2 dozen cars you must trust kabuki in this. As you should trust kabuki in all things. But whatever - kabuki don't judge. Returning to the car with my purchases kabuki notices the temperature is still HOT HOT HOT. Car is obviously taking a hint from kabuki. (ba-zing! humor in the face of adversity is kabuki's bread and butter) Speaking of foodstuffs, kabuki has adopted a little grey french poodle named Liberty. Liberty's daddy is in Afganistan fighting. From there he has decided to go fight in Germany, so Liberty needed a home. Liberty was raised around parrots, and treats them with the indifference kabuki requires in a housepet. Liberty requires dog food, so kabuki walks over to the grocery store IN DESERT HOT SPRINGS. See, kabuki can mix with ordinary folk. As long as they don't speak to kabuki. Or touch kabuki. Why is it the starving masses always want to lay hands on kabuki? You just know they are not faith-healers, more likely trying to lift kabuki's coin purse. Thankfull for the many folds of my work kimono (it's easy care denim polyester), kabuki's coin purse is safely stashed. As is my disdain for the elderly black couple sexy-talking in the produce aisle. Momma said she wants hamburger, daddy says he has some chorizo. Kabuki is apalled. Locating the dog food kabuki flees the grocery store before somebody takes a fancy to 'the pretty boy in the blue china-man dress'. Risking death and dismemberment kabuki flees back across the parking lot with a bag of dry dog num-nums. kabuki limps the station-wagon-of-love home. After much online research kabuki has learned to change the serpentine belt on a Saturn wagon you need to remove the right front wheel and inner fender skirts. Because some moron at saturn put the engine in sideways. Porsche, BMW, Jaguar, Mercedes Benz, Cadillac, Lincoln, Corvette, Mustang GT - yes kabuki has owned them all, and they all had the engine facing forward. People of Saturn listen up - stop trying to re-invent the wheel - for heavens' sake. Oh wait - you went bust. Puzzling. So as soon as the stormy weather leaves the desert playground of kabuki - he will go and get physical. One may wonder 'kabuki - where is Super Secret Straight Boyfriend'? Playing bingo with his momma, kabuki hopes he gets a paper cut BIG TIME. Shoulda snagged a lesbian at the auto parts store, but you just cannot let them on the furniture. sadness becomes kabuki.<br />
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<br />kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-34448255765506130342012-08-29T18:37:00.001-04:002012-08-29T18:37:43.423-04:00the stale aftertaste of a life half lived<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I found this lovely artwork whilst perusing the internet. Kabuki peruses frequently when attempting to stave off a minor/major depression. While not usually successfull, it can still be enlightening. This particular piece speaks to kabuki, the more kabuki looks - the more kabuki sees. This is sooo not true in other areas of kabuki's half-lived life. The eight years lost inside my illness will haunt kabuki forever. Was that the time kabuki was supposed to learn how to manage finances? Did my beloved come & go while kabuki lay in a percocet twilight? Having accomplished so very much, what else might have been? It is a 'road not chosen' reflection, even thought that road was not available. Is kabuki crying over milk that not was not spilt, because the cow did not exist? Such existenstial wonderings may well whisper 'nut case'. More likely it means kabuki is broke, lonely, bored, hungry and lost. It also usually foretells of the coming full moon. And unfortunately for so manyof you, curious readers, it also brings out kabuki's keen desire to leave a legacy. A mark, a stain, a google, maybe even a scandalous wikipedia entry. The combination of angst and flight propels kabuki to jump off the roof, but only if kabuki can land in a pond of pistachio pudding. If kabuki does not replace his lost make-up and assorted photo props soon, kabuki would like several people to slap him. Form a line, we will raffle off the tickets. MeaNwhiLe - where is the sad clown we so love to admire - nay, adore even. Oh, he is lurking in the shadows, singing sad songs and trying to discover the next frozen drink trend. Sail on into the night dear kabuki, because if all else fails you have enough love trapped inside to sustain you throught lifes' solitary back alleys. I think.kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-38826724703182957972012-08-18T15:06:00.001-04:002012-08-18T15:51:18.882-04:00Skylark, have you anything to say to me?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6dA1W8fFHa1WZPQovZDuNQ2kAsF6rGlloFSDhWn9ePxRqAf4khl9N0GK_9-w6JC2BDSjiMYoMLD8T0LlZyvIecQH06lsOtwtpI_gVXncfQooMqubOp4ENF2Qr6kcvpRYeqmr4bYX4J5A/s1600/pretty+sunny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6dA1W8fFHa1WZPQovZDuNQ2kAsF6rGlloFSDhWn9ePxRqAf4khl9N0GK_9-w6JC2BDSjiMYoMLD8T0LlZyvIecQH06lsOtwtpI_gVXncfQooMqubOp4ENF2Qr6kcvpRYeqmr4bYX4J5A/s320/pretty+sunny.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Behold the madness that is Sunny. She needs to work on her pattern matching, but really, when you look like her you can get away with anything. Kabuki was chatting her up, let us recap. 'So Sunny, you know everything, and you are always right. Does that about sum it up?' kabuki prodded gently. (Sunny is not an easy talker.) 'Squawk' Sunny replies. 'Well, dearest sunn-bunn, let kabuki school your feathered self. ' and kabuki goes on 'Do you want to be right or happy? No, let me finish. For a long time kabuki felt they were mutually exclusive. But having an epiphany or two (as is my due, remember my early childhood amnesia) kabuki has realized the answer was within kabuki all along. And dearest one, let kabuki enlighten you (wearing a kimono allows one to use words like "enlighten" in everyday conversation.) JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!! Be as fucking empirically correct as is your want, just don't be a dick about it. (sorry the "d" word is absolutely required at this point in the dialogue) And viola, you still have people who will speak to you while secretly maintaining your mental superiority.' (ps world's worst kept secret) <strong>end act one</strong></div>
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Nowadays everyone is looking for a hero. Dammit people - be the hero!. Kabuki has been a hero like forever. These days kabuki has elevated himself to SUPERHERO. My super power = inevitability. The world will soon realize kabuki has been right all along. And one day people will recognize that kabuki will win in the end. As befits a kabuki'ed superhero who is always right. (oops) Kabuki was venting just a little. <strong>end act two</strong></div>
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Having reconciled to a life of superhero celibacy, kabuki still wonders if his sidekick ran off with his evil nemesis. Kabuki has no idea, but the heart strings are still occasionally plucked. Kabuki feels this adds a dark sadness to kabuki's psyche - which most superheros need. Like cloves of garlic in a roast leg of lamb. (although the mint jelly is totally superflous, trust) Kabuki would trade dark sadnesses with someone. probably. Anybody got a mean hangnail willing to trade for solitary existence? Perhaps a lactose intolerance, kabuki will work with you. The quiet solitude might bring out the artist in you. (kabuki is an artiste - don't be jealous) Oh well, kabuki shall just be satisfied with superhero powers, keen wit and devastating good looks. (kabuki did not mention his fine singing voice - it makes Felix of Hollywood cross) bon chance mon petit singes <strong>end act three</strong> </div>
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kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-17627732022179934692012-08-12T20:20:00.001-04:002012-08-12T20:20:24.814-04:00Because you and me could have been a work of art<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwjW4HMYcdrH3oAo6N_cScbWaUUzfEGbg9UZZxEl5IIvvjKOMi0gWcdnXSVekXBN0iBoNJ_fmujc4NHCOCw1lOHbTuCUebQ4jfjLhSR-5fnA4deIur2_3VkmuAueAQdTmtvrhstw3jFZQ/s1600/heron.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwjW4HMYcdrH3oAo6N_cScbWaUUzfEGbg9UZZxEl5IIvvjKOMi0gWcdnXSVekXBN0iBoNJ_fmujc4NHCOCw1lOHbTuCUebQ4jfjLhSR-5fnA4deIur2_3VkmuAueAQdTmtvrhstw3jFZQ/s320/heron.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
So kabuki is washing the dishes (because the dishwasher is not yet installed) when out the kitchen window kabuki spies a crane sauntering across kabuki's very own front porch. Kabuki dashed out to photograph the delightful creature, who was not disturbed by kabuki at all. (which rarely happens, as kabuki can be rather disturbing). Rather, the dear bird waited until kabuki went back inside and then retraced his path back into the duck pond. Crikey - kabuki was as excited as a thirteen year old girl with a new bratz doll. When kabuki mentioned this wonderment to his super secret straight boyfriend - he just said 'It is an egret. It lives in the pond'. What a turd - sucking the joy out of everything. Kabuki pictured him with a rash, and kabuki felt better. As is my god-given right. <br />
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Now, back to my original reason for this blog. Firsties - my desktop has been revived (JOY). Second - As kabuki was watching the olympics (don't start) kabuki saw a commercial for that new Bourne Compendium movie (might have got the name wrong) Premise is that man cannot remember his past, which apparently included training in everything. (except tact) So when trouble arises - as it do - man can solve problems with knowledge that he did not know he knew. (whatever) Also the government is trying to kill him. (BFD) Like the government is not trying to kill all of us. People - if you do not attend the secret meetings, well kabuki really can't discuss it. Just like the plot of kabuki's favorite 60s summer replacement show "Coronet Blue". Anywho, upon reflection kabuki realises that my very early childhood is a blank. Egads, was the baby kabuki a government agent? A kimono clad baby assasian? Seems unlikely, but let us remember that we may have as our next president a man who tied a dog carrier (avec dog) onto the roof of his car and drove to his vacation. Kabuki is relatively sure the doggie did not enjoy the vacation AT ALL. So back to kabuki, how is kabuki supposed to showcase the new Olympic Mens' Rythmic Gymnastic event? And if you can just picture a ribbon-twirling kimono-wearing split-leap jumping kabuki, well then you know it is time for the Olympics to 'man-up'. Kabuki briefly considered mens syncronized swimming, but these kimonos weigh a ton when wet. And a a shock to most, kabuki will admit that kabuki is best kept dry. Like gunpowder. Draw your own conclusions people, for now kabuki must go and bury his old desktop power supply in the desert. Secrets, secrets, secrets. <br />kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-5982141119939149092012-07-21T15:00:00.002-04:002012-07-21T15:00:55.834-04:00while the cat is away<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Our beloved Infomaniac stylestress is not even over the horizon and the catastrophe rears its evil head up on kabuk'is twitter. The Polka Dot Queen has resurfaced, as kabuki foresaw (and forewarned, bitches). WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is it always up to kabuki to carry the banner into the fray? Is it because of kabuki's great legs? Ruby Keeleresque - some might say. Kabuki humbly acknowledges the fact that kabuki is equipped with a fine pair of walking sticks. (don't hate the player) So now kabuki has to march down to New Yorks' 5th Avenue, break the glass on the storefront where this nightmare is polkadots has been spied, and do battle with the Polka Dot Queen. Kabuki would regret that he has only only life to give, but let us be serious, kabuki will wipe the floor with this fashion freak. My battle kimono is pressed, the car is gassed, the citizens have been evacuated (3 block radius, in case kabuki starts to swing a purse). So anyway, while kabuki is on 5th Ave, anybody need anything? Chanel? Louis Vuitton? Kabuki would say Prada but last time kabuki wore any prada he broke out in a rash. Probably made in bangladesh, those prada people are pretenders to the throne. Who knows, might cross the pond, catch some olympics and have Vivienne Westwood run kabuki up a smart new kimono. because the one kabuki wears to New York is gonna have polka dots all over it. bon chance!</div>kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-84850875546341329592012-07-19T04:54:00.002-04:002012-07-19T04:54:49.248-04:00Ruby, don't take your love to townQuite recently kabuki was in Malaga with Adele and Brendan Fraser. Say what you will, but kabuki has shared figs with less attractive men than Brendan. Anyway - Brendan was trying to give me ideas for my upcoming kitchen rehab, and kabuki was pretending to be interested in his opinion. Has anyone ever really been interested in anyone else's kitchen hints? Certainly not kabuki, who knows his way around a lemon zester. And we shall speak of it no further. All this talk of kitchens reminded Adele of this delightful pear and dark chocolate croissanrt she had for breakfast - well the whole affair was really just a crashing bore. 'Excuse moi' kabuki said, and while pretending to visit the loo kabuki slipped out the back door of that sad little cafe in Malaga. Hopping the next steamer for the cape (note: steamship captains adore kabuki, and always have.) Kabuki was sure Adele and Brendan would forgive kabuki, because kabuki can pout like the prettiest ballerina princess that ever was. Plus, kabuki is not above a little white lie (to spare their feelings). Better 'kabuki banged his head in the watercloset, and the resulting amnesia tooks weeks to subside' than 'kabuki wanted to gut you both like last nights trout, and feed your entrails to the undead'. Because, as if you knew, the undead are particularly useful if you are trying to get rid of some entrails. Ignore this if you are in france (hope not) because the french will serve it up with truffle sauce and a pretentious red wine. salut kabuki knows to tread carefully the waters of the Seine, because of the many francophiles the visit mine own blog. A world wide phenom to be sure, kabuki was even recognized in Anartica not so long ago. kabuki knew the fur-lined kimono was a wise investment. Those cold artic blasts are well past invigorating when one is out of doors. A word to the wise - save those 'going commando' days for Brasil. So where were we? Kabuki has no idea - that amnesia really was something. To recap - Adele, waterloo, brendan francophile, lemon tarts and of course Kabuki Zero. Next time - have you seen my sketch pad?kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-51389816168092043722012-07-13T06:08:00.001-04:002012-07-13T06:08:33.065-04:00Is it time to dance yet?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It is 106 degrees outside. Kabuki is wearing kneehigh socks, sweatpants, a tshirt, a long sleeved tshirt, and workgloves. Kabuki is crawling under his doublewide mansion, flashlight in one hand - new electrical wiring in the other. Crawling commando style, in the hot dusty nether regions of his home. Kabuki dares a spider, scorpion or other insectoid to try and bite kabuki. The insect will explode, because kabuki is in no mood. While renovating the golden cave of mexican delights (aka master bedroom) kabuki has run into electrical issues. Next time kabuki lets someone talk him into using the local retirees to save a few dollars - you have permission to bitch slap kabuki. Notice the lovely shade of rivermist blue kabuki has selected for the master bedroom. A lovely cobalt blue has been selected for an accent wall. Kabuki thinks an accent wall will add that continental flavor kabuki desires. Plus it was on the clearance shelf for $7.00. Trust kabuki when he tells you the rivermist blue was not $7.00, and multiple gallons were required for the new sheetrock. Watch kabuki toss words like electrical wiring, sheetrock and workgloves about. It gives one chills. This is no way for the prettiest ballerina in the world to spend an afternoon. Kabuki would so much rather be sipping frozen magaritas and discussing where to get a nice manicure in Palm Springs. Alas and alack.<br />
While experiencing my very own electrical issues there were several power outages citywide in lovely Palm Springs. Kabuki was asked by the property manager if kabuki was responsible for same. Kabuki replied that when he knocks the power out it will stay out, and manical laughter will echo in the valley. Did kabuki mention that kabuki lives in a valley? If only kabuki could get his hands on a suede pantsuit kimono - Barbara Stanwyck would spin in her grave. Now that is entertainment folks. Speaking of graves (excellent transition) the power dificulties managed to bring kabuki's desktop pc to its very own endtimes. Kabuki imagines it is in pc heaven with MJ and Thombeau's pc's. Does anyone else smell conspiracy? Why is it always the talented who suffer. Kabuki bets Paris Hiltons' pc is fine. Probably like new, since she has no idea what it is. After kabuki recovers from the abrupt hardware failure he plans to toss his surge protector into the duck pond. The pc may or may not still be attached. Like the rebuilding of the great barrier reef in australia, kabuki gives back to the planet. Even though kabuki has been wronged as of late, it is still all light and joy in kabuki's heart. Kabuki remains a giver. <br />
Did kabuki mention electrical difficulties? Is anyone taking notes? Refer back if you need to. It would seem that when the circuit breakers are tripped in kabuki's house, the ground wire then becomes hot. Since kabuki's house has some metal breaker boxes and is covered in aluminium siding this leads to some sparky-sparky issues. Kabuki has been removing the offending metal boxes and throwing them in the trash. There are approx. 20 outside outlets at kabuki's residence. Kabuki likes to share, but not his electricity, so he has been correcting the over abundance of outlets. Maybe they were on sale at Home Depot, kabuki cannot really say. All kabuki can say is if the whole place burns to the ground prior to kabuki's fixing everything - kabuki is going to come and live with one of you. <br />kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-88628477827846292082012-07-01T18:48:00.003-04:002012-07-01T18:48:53.442-04:00Ruining a perfectly good manicure<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Someone who should know better left this collection of blue mayhem at my house. For safe-keeping. This is the world we live in people. Madness is king, and you know kabuki has wrecked his nails making sure that no trim in this house is loose. Loose trim is the first sign of madness, of this kabuki is sure. The second sign is telling people what the first sign is, but what are you gonna do. Given a large enough air hose kabuki could bring safety to all those in 'loose trim' danger. Why this is not a subject for this years' presidential election is obvious. They do not care about you. Kabuki almost said us, but that is ridiculous. Obama adores him some kabuki. Yes, the prez is a fan. Deal with it. Mitt would be a fan if he possessed the intellect to recognize genius, but we are lucky if he can recognize (and identify) the major food groups. His handlers have managed to keep it out of the press, but Mitt is known to gnaw on just about anything if he is feeling peckish. So many pairs of his wifes' shoes were ruined that now she keeps them in the refrigerator. (the fridge light scares Mitt) Anyway, until kabuki runs out of nails, brads, staples and any other manner of air-compressed fasteners - kabuki will bid you farewell. Next time - will kabuki run the paint sprayer? Damn skippy he will, manicures are for the weak and timid. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-85336796654372015012012-06-28T22:22:00.000-04:002012-06-28T22:22:17.115-04:00In Xanadu did kabuki a pleasure dome erect<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The cave of golden mysteries is well on its way to becoming the master bedroom of serene bliss. if wild debauchery is desired - well there is always the front patio for that. 'caveat emptor' kabuki tells all prospective neighbors. yes dear readers, kabuki occasionally speaks to the common man, frequently to remind them to stay the fuck off kabuki's lawn. Is it still a lawn if it consists of rocks and sand? methinks as much. In the year the mansion was vacant several unscrupulous neighbors used the front yard as a shortcut to the dumpster. It is now the shortcut to a tongue lashing by yours truly. A rather unattractive man, with his wife and child was peering around the side of kabuki's house. They - the three mouseketeers - were in for a rude awakening when kabuki stepped onto the front porch and loudly inquired 'May I help you with something?' They fled like the illegal aliens they probably were (norwegian - kabuki is almost sure of it)<br />
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A master carpenter has been assisting kabuki with the renovation work in the master bedroom. Kabuki was in for a small surprise when kabuki discovered that the window, which had been sheet-rocked over, was not nailed to the house. 'Just set it in place' the crazy ex-owner must have said, 'I am sure it will be fine'. Which kabuki finds out of character because everything else in this place is screwed, nailed, and glued. As if kabuki sat on exactly the fault line . Which kabuki does not. The fault line is two or three feet to the right of kabuki's house, to be sure.<br />
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Kabuki's neighbor lady has kindly offered kabuki 10 gallons of exterior house paint. The shade is called dark peach. She said kabuki could use it as interior primer, but kabuki thinks it would be better used to paint all of the palm trees in the neighbors yards. Because kabuki has a plan to get all liquored up and walk through every front yard in the community. As a sort of payback. When people complain kabuki shall bow, exit gracefully, and return in the still of the night to paint their trees dark peach. Kabuki has found no law against such behaviour. Kabuki may just be on the cutting edge of horticultural painting. And we all know what they say about whores and culture.kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-44728154052260468092012-06-19T17:00:00.000-04:002012-06-19T17:00:55.551-04:00Universal Dischord<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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kabuki is so very over the universe at this moment in time - if the universe had any sense it would go and hide at walmart (kabuki never goes into the walmart clothing section. ever) But it does not possess any sense, and kabuki has documents to prove it. My move was a horrendous nightmare of biblical proportions. One person helped, my SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend). He helped about 20% of the move, and was suspiciously absent for the rest. Several of the local residents offered their services - but they were all over 60 and female. kabuki had pillow detail, so they were not able to assist. A fine example of my horwor - my terwor 'this is heavy' my sssbf intoned, as he picked up one end of the sofa. 'i thought the same when i carried it all by myself' said kabuki, who had the other end. 'muscle pussy' kabuki screamed silently, and not in a good way. Another local friend, stricken with food poisoning, said 'let me take you out to lunch'. 'only if i pick the place' kabuki stated, for this ladies food service selection process was tainted. (get it?) While dining on cheeseburgers and onion rings kabuki broke a molar in half. So there's that. Unseasonably warm, yes add that to the mix. 'Can you show your place monday, tuesday, and thursday?' the property manager asked. 'NO' kabuki said 'because I am moving and stuff'. sheesh. After safely moving the birds kabuki let them out to explore the new digs. The green ring neck parrot immediately starts eating the moulding. The 40 year old mobile home moulding. ick. 'Stop that!' kabuki says, shutting the bird back into its cage. kabuki turns around to see the white cockatoo eating the moulding off the other wall. 'FAT JESUS' kabuki screams, and kabuki had had it up to there! kabuki then got the attention of the universe. 'I HAVE HAD IT, AND I AM NOT HAVING IT' kabuki tossed into the atmosphere. 'Problem, prettiest ballerina?' the iniverse inquired. 'what is wrong with you, got a case of the evils or something? kabuki politely asked. 'I have NO idea to what you are referring' the universe said. 'Do not start with me universe, kabuki is in no mood to play. Have you been paying attention to the clown party that is my move?' kabuki pressed, for you have to spell it out for the universe sometimes. kabuki suspects the universe is a might slow, but would never tell the universe, because that would be mean-spirited. 'You know the universe watches you very closely' the universe replies, 'for you are so very interesting - my dearest kabuki.' 'Well then, what is up with the SUPER-SECRET-STRAIGHT-BOYFRIEND not being available to help? kabuki asked. 'That is the SSSBF way. You should recognize. This is not your first SSSBF letdown. What else?' the universe says defensively. '106 degrees, really? Birds eating the walls. really? All by myself. Really? Broken tooth. Really? stop fucking with me, or kabuki will go medieval on your ass'. kabuki stated, and not so sweetly either. 'Oh alright, let the universe make it up to you' the universe says. 'What did you have in mind, for kabuki is already the prettiest ballerina in the world ya'know' kabuki says proudly, and quite correctly. For it is an honor to be the prettiest ballerina in the world, as many of you no doubt suspect. 'I have wanted to do this for years' the universe is really beaming now 'kabuki - you are now PRINCESS OF THE UNIVERSE!' the universe is positively shouting 'And no one deserves it more than you". 'True enough' kabuki states, 'and kabuki would like to thank the academy, etc'.<br />
Thank goodness kabuki has several prepared speeches, for you never know when an award will pop up. If you are kabuki. Which I am. Thank you one and all for supporting the kabuki during this summer madness. And everyone is invited over for cake. As long as you are coming over, bring some cake. Because sharing is nice. And if it is cluster-fuck time at your home - be sure and let the universe know it is time to straighten up and fly right. Because it can't hurt to ask.kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-32075797256912286432012-06-15T20:58:00.000-04:002012-06-15T20:58:30.182-04:00The INTERNET is alive (again)stay tuned to this kabuki channel for exciting kabuki updates. probably make up some stuff too. <br />
you cannot stop the kabuki. like a train, kabuki will steamroll righ over your ass. now somebody send me a housewarming gift of immeasurable beauty, like a picture of kabuki. HA!kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8278781299059787050.post-15925308135062130072012-06-08T11:21:00.002-04:002012-06-08T11:21:51.678-04:00Time is waiting in the wings<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It is moving week here at Kabuki Acres, wish me luck. Remember to keep the shiny side up (nascar slang), and kabuki will be back soon as he can. My love is grotesque for you kids. As always, if you are caught the IMF will deny your very existence. Kabuki has yet to receive a heartfelt housewarming cheesecake from you slack-jawed inbred boozehounds. (just a note to my family HA!) The rest of you clowns go and do what you do best. as kabuki's return to the interworld is both foretold and imminent.kabuki zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986034897018304468noreply@blogger.com6