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Nothing - just nothing - then it exploded?

'You Imbecile' kabuki spat, slicing the man from right shoulder to left hip with the most darling sword (Macys - who knew?).  'My dreams are not broken, my heart is' kabuki said to the two pieces of man now bleeding on the ground.  kabuki thought he looked remarkably like an undercooked ham, and not at all in a good way.

kabuki entered The Hall of Dreams, clutching a red silk bag tightly.  The Hall was filled with light from hidden windows, making the entire marble room seem alive.  It was a magnificent place, a sort of Italian Renaissance meets ZsaZsa Gabor.  Columns, fret work, just a little too much of everything.  One of those 'what god would do if he had the money' sort of structures, and kabuki felt right at home.  Of course kabuki had been here before, several times in fact, conducting all sort of business. 

In the back of the hall a single door beckons, kabuki strides ever forward, noticing just how loud kabukis' tap shoes are.  'Dammit, they look so good with this melon-colored silk kimono, noise be damned' kabuki thinks, and opens the door to find a frumpy little woman looking over her glasses at kabuki.  'Tap shoes, really' the woman says.  'Its called Fashion Brenda - look it up' kabuki snaps, noticing that the woman has on some rather ugly nurse clogs.  Good thing kabuki left the sword outside to in the car, or there might be some clogs meeting their maker today.  Miss Frump asks to see kabuki's bag, and kabuki hands it over.  'Broken dreams again dearie' she says, while opening kabuki's little bag.  'Oh, I see.  Well you know the way.'  Miss Frump points to a set of French doors that open to a small garden, set behind the great hall of dreams.  kabuki empties the bag into a little hole by a lovely Japanese Maple (kabuki's favorite tree), says a silent prayer to no one in particular then goes back inside.  A nod to Miss Frump and kabuki moves to enter the great hall. 'See you soon dearie' Miss Frump says a little too cheerfully.  'No, that was the last of them I'm afraid' kabuki says quietly.  'No need to be afraid' Miss Frump almost whispers, 'All my dreams are dead and buried as well' .


The path not chosen

Where what why who and more, stay tuned.  Mea Culpa - or not.  Heart attack. carotid endarectomy with another coming, several near death experiences - just a shitload of nonsense.  Moving on.

We all know about SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend) and the madness that was kabuki in love.  Leave me my dreams, for they tear so easily.  Like tissue. (Very few people are quoting La Dolce Gilda, it is kabuki's way).  But let us delve together dear children, how did this union that was not to be come to be?  You better hold onto something/anything.

One perfect evening in Palm Springs, long before kabuki lived in Castle Rock (those that know will remember my 1967 single-wide mid-century dollhouse) kabuki became bored, bored of such fabulous surroundings and proceeded to prepare for an evening dip in the communal hot spa.  One of the many reasons kabuki moved to this little valley was because of the in-ground, year-round mineral hot spa.  Kabuki still visits at least once a day, going on 6 years later.  It is simply heavenly.  Pop a Percocet, snag a flexeril, visit MaryJanes's house (drug slang.  this is getting good, right?)  Slip into a little designer swimwear and off to the bubbling pool kabuki goes.  Kabuki strolls the 300 paces to the pool, entering thru the bougainvillea arbor some foolish romantic had erected.  It serves as a portal to the spa of eternal wetness, kabuki just finds it a good place to lose an eye.  Have you seen the thorny spiky death wands sticking out every two inches on these vines?  GACK.  Imagine if a rosebush and a cactus had hate-sex. Desert life seems so mean spirited, but I digress.  As I enter the spa enclosure (we have to enclose everything in California, thanks a lot) I see a man in MY spa.  And not just any man, a man-child of extremely attractive proportions.  Like kabuki wrote out all the physical attributes that raise kabuki's blood pressure, and somebody went to the man-child store with ALOT of money.  Moving on.

When kabuki says man-child you must understand.  Must Must Must.  kabuki does refer to a man not with the intellect of a child, but a man with his inner child thriving.  Humming a little song, slapping the water to the groove, just seizing the joy of life and motor-boating it's titties.  As kabuki demurely slips into the hot wet goodness the man looks up, his eyes light up, he say 'Hello'.  There is genuine joy in his voice and it makes kabuki tingly.  kabuki goes to the farthest spot from the man.  Purposely looking everywhere else but you know where.   We exchange small talk, and whenever kabuki glances in the direction of the pool guy, we are closer together. 'Oh my God, is kabuki sidling up yo Mr. Hottness like the wet slut kabuki is, or is Mr. Handsome coming in to size up the situation?  (Be completely serious - isn't this exciting.  You know you heart has speeded up).   Turns out we both were.  kabuki was not intentionally moving forward. but we ended up close enough to touch.  Which we did not.  The first time we actually did touch kabuki actually felt a electric charge.  true story.  The man then exits the pool, slings a towel over his body and stroll into the now exquisite bougainvillea arbor.  Moonlight reflects off his perfectly wet, magnificently built frame. Turning his head he says 'See you soon.' At that exact moment in time the second great love of my life was born.  SSSBF.  kabuki had no say in the matter.  The connection seemed almost spiritual.  To this day, regardless of where we are on this path, we fit together like to old souls.  People who are with us comment on this. 

We became inseparable.  kabuki was not smitten, kabuki was gobsmacked.  Under all of the friendly back and forth seethed an almost unbearable lava hot current.  kabuki thinks 'does kabuki reveal himself and probably ruin a great comradery?  Or does kabuki fastlane past what has been most desired from childhood?'  kabuki was paralyzed with fear.  All of a sudden 3 visits a day become 3 visits a week.  Then approaching a visit every 3 weeks.  kabuki telephones and says 'don't know what is going on.  Guess we should have had sex.  I am done with you'. 

We did not speak for over a year.  Everywhere I turn, SSSBF is there.  Everywhere I go, SSBF is there.  kabuki gets a nod every time.  A wassup - if you will,  a 'Let's be friends?'.  kabuki has no idea really, so kabuki pays scant attention.  Life moves on.  In a civilized community you must be willing to co-exist.  We share friends.  We can now politely converse, although we seldom are together without others.  We have been in the hot spa together recently.  For years one did not enter if the other was there.  It remains a strained and distance based acquaintance.

kabuki's first great love and kabuki are ancient history.  kabuki was the path not chosen.  kabuki knows that we shall never meet again, but somehow kabuki remains convinced that we shall re-enact our passion play again, and again.  We are forever doomed until one or both of us learn something.  kabuki has no idea what that something is.  kabuki's second great love is an unknown and perhaps unknowable destiny.  We are entwined, there is a bond, a closeness kabuki has experienced with no other.  There is also great pain.  I leave you with the meanest thing ever said to kabuki.  One night. close to the end, SSBF looked at me and said 'I will always choose another before you'.  kabuki was the path not chosen,


Carpe chocolate

The view from kabuki's deck.  kabuki's newest friend, whom kabuki calls edmund.  Fun times.

Quite recently kabuki was in belgium with Lola Felana and Peyton Manning.  kabuki was in search of the much-rumored divine chocolate truffle, Lola was shopping for headbands (?), and Peyton was on the lam.  Apparently Peyton's brother Eli is a bit chatty.  Anyways, while dining at a smart sidewalk cafe (the ham brioche was delightful), Lola spotted a headband vendor and salsa'ed her little butt over to the stall.  Peyton and kabuki had pretty much decided that headbands made Lola look like a latin Patty Duke, but kabuki threatened to pinch Peyton under the table if he breathed a word of our discovery to the fashion-confused Lola.  Peyton's phone rang for like the 73rd time (guess who?) kabuki snatched it and traded it to a small belgium child for his pet monkey.  The monkey and Peyton seemed happy with the exchange, so kabuki set about the search for the perfect chocolate truffle.  Lola returned, we assured her she looked divine in her purple beaded headband (not).  kabuki decided it was time to visit the royal family of belgium, as kabuki is very fond of castles, royals, and jewels.  Surely there must be a crown or two lying about the aforementioned castle, and kabuki just knew the Queen would have the inside track on chocolate truffles of a most delectable nature.  Queens are good about these things.  Plumbing repairs - not so much.  kabuki's powder room is still a horror - due in no small part to Queen Elizabeth.  kabuki will speak no further on this wretched affair.  (aside - she also knows jack about truffles.  It's like she is not even european royalty at all).  While  traveling thru the lovely streets of belgium, safely esconced in the back of a grey maybach guard (europe can get dicey, and neither peyton or kabuki can run worth a damn.  kabuki swears it is the shoes), Peyton decided he wanted a pair of leather shorts.  kabuki puts the blame squarely on Lola for the idea.  kabuki assured Peyton that leather shorts were never, ever appropriate.  Especially at the palace of the Belgium King & Queen.  kabuki and you, dear reader both know that Queen Mathilde would plotz if Peyton came strolling into the royal hall in tight leather shorts.  kabuki is already in disfavor with several Queens (imagine that), mostly for refusing to reveal where kabuki obtains the silk for the silk kimonos kabuki is famous for.  kabuki just cannot.  Can you imagin the horror, the trajedy, the humanity, when some silly Queen spills royal jelly on her silk frock.  When kabuki's mercer read the latest Enquirer and saw Queen Thumblethumbs in her ruined silk frock - well the next kimono would be made of kabuki's hide. alas   Always remember - days go by and still kabuki thinks of you. 


Like a pocketful of smoke

Kabuki has been to the small dark place  inside of kabuki's soul.  A quiet place, where kabuki sought solace from the everyday lonliness that pervades kabuki's psyche.  Many times kabuki sat down to write - yet had nothing to say.  Preferring to keep mundane and inconsequential minutia from kabuki's beloved followers (because kabuki cares), kabuki refrained. 

World Update - Super Secret Straight Boyfriend is dead to kabuki (sad)
Little black pomeranian is a long term visitor to kabuki's very own Palace Rock.  She stands on her front legs (a perfect headstand) to pee, looking somewhat like a black fur lawn sprinkler.  Entertainment at its best.  The live-in poodle is beside himself with joy over having a flat mate.  The birds - not quite so happy.  Not even kabuki can win them all. 
Kabuki's has replaced the broken video camera, expect moving pictures soonly.  WOW
Kabuki contemplates a video blog - a committee has been formed to investigate the possibilities.  Think viral, like dengue fever.
A new doctor threatens to return kabuki to health.  Weekly injections, night breathing machines, all very trendy scientificy types of affairs.  Kabuki's has developed a wait and see attitude.  Two rules - no injections into the spine.  no injections into the eyeball.  (you know the medical community loves to fuck with your spine and eyes - it is madness kabuki tells you.)
Kabuki has been feasting visually via the Netflix people.  The first season of the Man from U.N.C.L.E. is both the best and worst television kabuki has ever seen.  When they found Hitler in suspended animation in a garage in Oxnard kabuki nearly succumbed.  TASTY
Work on the  double-wide castle has slowed due to a cashflow situation compounded by a brutally warm desert summer.  kahuki donned a waterproof silk kimono (hard to find) and floated like a water lily in the nearby pool.  (Water does a body good)
Kabuki has accepted that there is no love to be found in today's world.  Alas.  This is mostly an unpleasant side effect of being uniquely fabulous, so kabuki says 'fuck em'.  An epiphany occured during a dream - kabuki was told to get busy with it (it being an artistic creative lifestyle), and informed that kabuki did not have much time.  Kabuki reflected that time is an imaginary construct, and to defined 'much time' required parameters unavailable to kabuki.  So kabuki will venture forth - alone but not afraid, beautifully bothersome, and joyous to know others are out there - somewhere - who care for kabuki as kabuki cares for them.

Mea Culpa Mon Dieu

The kabuki would leap upon kabuki's very own sword, but truth be told - it is as dull as a Dean Martin film retrospective.  As a creature of immense talent and undeniable beauty, it is puzzling as to why kabuki has been away of late.  Let us just say it was not all rainbows and butterflys here at Castle Rock.  The fibromyalgi trio (pain, fatigue and depression) arrived early to the party, and once again overstayed its welcome.  Imagine having the flu, falling down the stairs, then being sad about it.  yuck.  Kabuki's personal physician inquired as to kabuki's mental well-being, and kabuki blurted it out.  "Sad dear Doctor, kabuki is depressed" kabuki spoke.  The Doctor offered counseling, but kabuki informed herr Doctor that kabuki was in pain and fatigued, and would only require counseling if this made kabuki happy.  So anyways, kabuki found oneself posing for the wikipedia despondent entry (thanks Annie Liebovitz).  And like so many other creative geniuses that dance upon the very precipice of insanity, kabuki finds that depression fires up the creative juices.  But dear citizen - these creative juices are dark - and kabuki tires of creating yet another 'blue period' masterpiece.  (thanks Van Gogh).  Now do not you fret your little citizen-mind, kabuki was assured of victory over the depression as surely as the sun will shine in your beady citizen eyes, but the time - oh sweet crispy jesus - the time. 

Enough, let us continue in a lighter vein.  kabuki's first houseguest has come and gone successfully.  Much fun was had by all, and the lovely Castle Rock has recieved much needed sprucing-up.  Photos later - to be sure.  A birthday celebration was held (on kabuki's very own birthday - go figure) and so many well-wishers sprang up that kabuki was almost nearly slightly misty eyed.  (which is a fabulous look for kabuki)  While kabuki waited patiently at home for the delivery of the birthday porsche - it was simply not to be.  kabuki hastens to remind others that  delayed obedience is disobedience (thank you christian televangelists). Meanwhile  kabuki's smallest charge - a green ring-necked parakeet  did manage to lay an egg for kabuki's bd bash (better her than us).  German chocolate cake was prepared and handed out to the guests - which numbered none.  kabuki's memory is long dear children, almost painfully so.  The day will come, mark kabuki's words - when a nearby attractive and yet still desirable person shall beg for kabuki's help.  'Please kabuki, help me put out the fire threatening to destroy my humble abode!' they shall plead.  'Just a minute, let kabuki see if this dried out birthday cake is an effective fire retardant'.  And it shall not be the only thing retardant in that scene, believe kabuki. 

kabuki had planned to spenn the $590 million dollar lottery winnings to purchase the Bob Hope estate located smack dab in Palm Springs, but apparently some floridian busy-body has spirited away kabuki's winnings.  It remains remarkable how kabuki continues to shine as a pure and gentle soul in the midst of such tom foolery.  kabuki can only think of one reason.  Impending sainthood.  But do not think kabuki shall abandon the silk finery of an extensive kimono collection for heavenly robes.  kabuki has never needed wings to soar - and neither do you.  So come fly with kabuki, and let us see what new dreams we can conjure up.  kabuki loves you like candy - really.


It's a boy Mrs Walker, it's a boy!

kabuki was recently sitting in a piano bar in Palm Springs with one of kabuki's imaginary friends.  kabuki calls him Eddie Fingers.  kabuki and Eddie go way back, but even Eddie will admit that kabuki is a mystery wrapped in a silk conundrum.  "Tell me something" spouts Eddie.  Although imaginary friends are never hard to find - they cannot hold their liquor worth a damn.  "What would you like to know, Mr Fingers?" kabuki replied inbetween sips of a delicious beverage.  "A story, tell us a story" Eddie pleaded.  Eddie can be quite single-minded when hammered, kabuki felt it best to comply.  Plus kabuki likes to comply with other peoples wishes at least once a season.  It shows kabuki's inner child, that frail willed angel of sweetness that we all adore.  Yes even kabuki adores kabuki, and how could he not?

It was the 80's and kabuki was appearing at the Hollywood Bowl, theorectically as the opening act for The Talking Heads.  Everyone knew that kabukis' band. kabuki and the excessive pleasures, was the real reason anyone who was anyone would show up.  In the 80s anyone who was anyone were important people to have on your team.  If you catered to such behaviour - which kabuki did not.  The place was packed, the show was memorable, yadda yadda yadda.  However - unbeknownst to kabuki trouble was afoot.  Gunter - our neo-nazi stagehand was preparing an eventful evening - undoubtably to cull favor with the many skinheads that frequented The Hollywood Bowl,  A group of none, but Gunter was no rocket scientist.  Gunter could barely separate out the brown M&Ms, which he coveted.  Also Gunter was Egyptian - so there was much confusion about his name.  Many pregnant women were given weird pills by their doctors at this time, maybe that influenced Cleopatra. (kabuki is guessing his mom was named Cleopatra, as there is no proof) 

Anywho, Gunter was ahead of his time in one respect.  He had collected a large number of kittens who look like hitler.  (they are called kitlers - don't ask how kabuki knows)  Gunter planned to release these ferocious felines during the high point of the evening, thus wrecking havoc on the post-modern punk stylings of kabuki and the excessive pleasures.  It bears repeating that Gunter was an idiot.  Meanwhile kabuki is onstage performing the closing number of the set.  kabuki believes it was 'Windmills of Your Mind'.  The band played a toy piano and a slightly de-tuned bassoon.  kabuki was wearing a delicious Vivienne Westwood kimono.  It was made entirely of boy scout neckerchiefs and safety pins.  kabuki was mad mad mad for Vivienne Westwood during the 80s. ( kabuki blames the drugs )  Realizing that time is indeed fleeting, Gunter leaps into action.  He releases the kittens onstage, they head towards kabuki at top speed (note: kittens love kabuki).  The bassoon player steps forward to avoid trampling a little hitler kitty.  He steps on the back of kabuki's kimono - several safety pins let loose - and kabuki moons The Hollywod Bowl.  To the sound of "Windmills of Your Mind".  Pandemonium?  HA - it took 30 minutes to calm the crowd to pandemonium levels (kabuki has a fine caboose).  kabuki does not know how The Talking Heads set went that evening, as kabuki had some business to attend to.  Suffice it to say Gunter was never seen again.  And no one can really say why David Byrne wrote "Psycho Killer" soon after.  It probably has nothing to do with kabuki, or that night.  But some still say when the moon is high and the wind is low - if you listen very hard - you can still hear the pitter patter of little kitty hitlers across the stage.


Beauty is as beauty does, or so they tell kabuki.  Actually they shout it as the Zero Limousine races by.  kabuki races almost everywhere these days, such is the life of a gigastar.  Appearances, charity functions ET CETERA.  If kabuki has to change kimonos in the back of a maybach landaulet one more time - let us just infer that some orphans may go without christmas this year.  People it is all just too much.  For you HAHAHA - sorry a little megalomania peeked out.  People often ask kabuki, they say "kabuki - how does one achieve giga-stardom.?"  kabuki kindly replies "kabuki achieves it naturally, you personally can only hope for divine intervention".  Best to let them down softly, as kindness is kabuki's bread and butter.  Beauty was born on kabuki and fame was soon thrust at kabuki - much like a peodphiles weeney.  How was kabuki able to survive so many years of absolute stardom without ending up in a rubber room.  First - rubber rooms smell funny, and kabuki dislikes offensive smells (incentive one).  Second - they rarely send out your kimonos for proper cleaning and repair when you are in the rubber room hotel (incentive two) Third - let us just say that kabuki is stong minded.  But really  - the dirty kimonos were the deal breaker.
So what have we learned?  We know now that kabuki handles the stress of stardom gracefully, gazelle like even.  We also know kabuki does it for the children.  So if you are an awkward teen, desiring to present the same magnificient visage as kabuki, let kabuki give you loving words of advice.  "Bitch - kabuki got this,  Go be you before kabuki makes you bonsai food".