Zero News Alert: MAN BITES GOD !

Kabuki begs forgiveness for the unavoidable absence. Few people know that kauki was raised in spanish harlem. It was a sad childhood, wandering the streets in a tattered kimono, wearing the same kabuki wig for days at a time. While this did serve to steel kabuki's ambition to become a superstar, it was a long and winding road. Makes me want to sing, as many people know kabuki has a lovely singing voice.

Once megastardom was thrust kabukis' way it became time to put away such foolish notions like singiing for fun. God forbid some tabloid publish my unique vocalizations of some familiar tune. Next thing you know everybody's singing my version of 'Scary Monsters'. Trust me when I say David Bowie does not need this type of aggravation. So anyway, like I was saying, it occurs to me that very soon(as in very soon) kabuki
will join the public and regain the coveted DSL access to the webbernet. It may only be days before I can bug you peopleona MUCH more frequent basis. This is only one of the exciting things kabuki is planning. If you have anything important to do, now is the time. Don't blame me if you miss your own wedding because you are glued to the computer screen. I gave you plenty of time off this summer, so no whining. But currently I must dash, so until next time, when we will discuss the member of out blog community who is secretly the heir-apparent to the Vespa scooter fortune, kabuki bids adieu

Is it time to calibrate kabuki's imagination?

kabuki was daydreaming, waiting for sleep to come. kabuki had moved west. kabuki was helping the local theatre by working as a wardrobe stylist - but only part-time. kabuki knew that to show up all the time would only result in some nincompoop hitting kabuki with the white-hot spotlight. Then kabuki would wax philosophically whether it was reasonable to trains wildebeests to use a littler box. Kabuki was going to have them hunt for and ingest tanzanite, which kabuki would sell in front on WalMart. (tanzanite girls say "hey") You see kabuki would realize the intestinal juices of the wildebeest would only heighten the beauty of the tri-chroic gemstone. Then kabuki would stop, walk off the stage, and slap the playwright into the fall season.

"Sheesh", kabuki said while departing, "Who writes this crap?"

I will drink your cup of poison…

I will drink your cup of poison…

Unless it is a MacDonald’s frappe, because they are just plain nasty. So anyway, many people ask kabuki – they say “kabuki – you live a life of glamorous abandon, how do you do it?” Nosy little bastards (kabuki thinks to self). The answer is pure simplicity itself. De-clutter, pare down, have more by having less. Simplify. Of course that is not how kabuki does it, but you might give it a try. kabuki is not a role model, all kabuki needs is a run on kabuki wigs – and then my heaven is gone. But kabuki will let you in on the secret only because you are special to kabuki. Complete denial – kabuki lives a life of complete denial. Not saying kabuki denies self – that would just be ignorant. No no dear friend, kabuki pays no attention to distracting truths. Information that contradicts kabuki’s views or opinions are avoided and/or discounted. You would be amazed how much stress is avoided using this simple tenet. And it only becomes easier as you get better at denying the reality. Bonus – it tends to make people around you just a little more crazy! (I know – no down side) Feel free to shop around, but kabuki is sure you will return time and again to kabuki’s unique way of surviving. Some may even thrive, you get what you give. So give yourself permission to finally realize that you have been right all along. Unless you disagree with kabuki – in which case you are an idiot. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

On a completely different note kabuki was watching a missing persons show recently. It seems a 10 year old girl was missing. A young tow-headed lass, she was good in school, went to church, did volunteer work, and helped take care of the family’s horses. (kabuki thought ‘what a little angel’.) And she spent her spare time on her hobby – writhing. kabuki did not even know that writhing was considered a hobby. Kids these days. Anyway if you come across a little blonde girl writhing on the floor alert the authorities, because her folks want her back. Until next time - kisses

I'm not an actor, but I play one on television

Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!  Madness is about and we must flee for our lives. I blame it on the heat.  Today as I sat in a sweet little internet cafe (McDonalds) I witnessed a woman pickup her little baby, look it in the face and proclaim "Mommy's not crazy, no she is not".  Obviously a lie to put the toddler at ease.  Shortly thereafter, every male seated in the estblished began to belch loudly.  kabuki may never return, as kabuki left skid marks on the linoleum exiting the building.  But on to HOLLYWOOD NEWS.  kabuki has noticed the accolades and such heaped upon Felix, and not being jealous at all, kabuki will provide HOLLYWOOD NEWS to drum up a little support.  Take a good look at my photo people, does that look like a happy, mentally-stable kabuki?  I didn't think so either.  So on to HOLLYWOOD NEWS.
Sources say there are no plans to bake bannana bread with a file in it for the lovely has-been Lindsy Lohan.  It looks like a timeout in the slammer is in store for our leggings queen.  so sad. or not.
 MJ will neither confirm or deny rumors that she has been in talks to play the lead in the desperately awaited sequel to AVATAR, tentatively titled AVASTAR. (she is a shoe-in for the goddess role)  Sources do state that she has been away from her canadian mansion plenty this summer. 
Felix will direct and star in a way-off broadway musical salute to 'Laverne & Shirley'.  He will play Squiggy - and there is no doubt a film version will follow. Lets hope he directs the film version as well.
Donna Lethal is all over HOLLYWOOD, wearing a different designer each and every day. It is reported that Vera Wang and Vivienne Westwood had a hair-pulling cat-fight in London's Heathrow Airport all the while screaming "Bitch - she's mine".  Rumors are she favors vintage Galliano, but she has been spotted in Norma Kamali as well.  Stay tuned readers- this is sure to heat up.
Kabuki will revisit her role in "The Glass Menagerie", but only because kabuki likes to say "but mama, I'm crippled". Not a dry eye was seen in Grumans Chinese Theatre - which has been remodeled just for the two-week run.  Is a sidewalk star of fame in kabukis' future. Duh.
An unnamed male star has stated that his name and the phrase 'deep passage' are not to be used in the same sentence ever again!  Lawsuits at the ready for this sad little boy.

Tune in next week, HOLLYWOOD NEWS is always fresh, current, and completely made up.  kisseys

I should really stay in more

I was out in the front yard, stripped to my shorts, washing out an old upright freezer.  I had discarded it only to have my downstairs relations decide it must be theirs.  It was 100 degrees and kabuki was sweating like a whore in church. (i never understood that reference).  It was such a disgusting event that when kabuki finished the cleaning the shorts worn for the event went into the trash.  kabuki went into the shower, and tried the AXE body wash someone had given to us.  It was 'glacier mint'.  Imagine washing your body with crest toothpaste, it was quite similar.  stimulating and not in a good way.  kabuki was surprised the bath poof did not melt. kabukii will save the rest of the AXE body wash for when kabuki needs to wash off nuclear waste.  it could happen. 
kabuki was recently discussing houseboats with Felix.  kabuki has a fascination with houseboats.  Felix mentioned the H word might present problems.  I realize now he meant hoarding (which kabuki does NOT DO).  At the timethough, kabuki was perplexed.  The H word - kabuki pondered.  Handsome?  Is kabuki too handsome to live on a houseboat?  What kind of stupid law is that?  It's not like kabuki would select minnesota (land o' lakes), and that would be the only water bound state retarded enough to put that law on the books.  Did Felix mean Hermaphrodites?  What is their interest in houseboats.  They are water creatures, naturally drawn to the pure and calming nature of the wet stuff.  But they don't need houseboats.  They are aquatic, like mermaids.  (most people do not know these things)  Finally kabuki decided the Felix meant hutzspah - which Felix has in spades.  Dashing yet another one of kabukis' dreams.  Some people just cannot handle joy in others.  It makes them crazy.  And yet - my joy continues.  So there, crazy people.  kabuki must remain joyous.  like a flock of angels woould be.  if angels come in a flock. kabuki doesn't know.  cuz there's never a bunch of angels around when you need them.  they could have been very handy when i was scrubbing that freezer down.  they could have held the hose for kabuki. or something.

I should really get out more.

I was standing naked in the bathroom shaving my head when I thought ' this is just a little too "Taxi Driver" for me'.  But how does one stop mid-shave?  At my age -rather than appear neo-punk hardcore fashion victim - kabuki would appear more to have  suffered an unfortunate accident with a weed whacker.  And while kabuki doesn't mind  appearing completely insane - kabuki really had no where to go. Another desperate look wasted.  I could dash off to the pet store - but really - when was the last time you startled an iguana?  It is not so very rewarding.  All the little fishies do is swim and poop, totally boring.  Since it is approximately 105 degrees with unbelievable humidity outside - anyone wandering around downtown Winchester is probably certifiable anyway.  kabuki refuses to waste perfect good crazy looks on insane people.  What's the point?  What's my point?  The point is this - kabuki has to get the hell out of this one horse town. Go west- that's what they keep saying.  Felix wants me in Palm Springs. I think he wants to kill me, then bury me in the desert.  But he is so busy - when would he find the time.  Meanwhile kabuki is looking into tricking out a golf cart and selling sno-cones in front of the local strip mall. Another dear friend has offered Albaquerque, but kabuki can't even spell that one.  And what of the scorpions.  You know between the heat and the excess drugs dropped by desert smugglers the scorpions are not right in their little scorpion heads.  Can't you just see kabuki picking off the little crazy scorpions with a 9mm semi-automatic?  The patio would be a bunch of broken tiles, spent shells, and scorpion carcasses.  Although honestly - there wouldn't be much left of the little buggers, cuz kabuki favors hollowpoints as ammo of choice.  One can hardly host a barbeque among broken patio tiles and spent shell casings.  At least it would keep the neighbors out of my reflecting pool.  Because kabuki will need a rerlecting pool.  To sit next to as I pen my memoirs.  So i better get busy making memories - so let me dash.  kisseys to all  

Time - (ridiculous concept at best) is getting on my nerves

Time.  I hate it.  Wasted on the young, desired by the old. Poor people don't want it, rich people crave it.  Only the idle rich really have time under control - and let's face it - you & I are about as far from that lifestyle as it is possible to be.  I wait impatitently for my life to resolve itself, only to be disappointed at each and every turn.  It is quite possible that kabuki should be depressed as fuck.  Fortunately I have decided to be the master of my own fate.  While not joyous, kabuki can still achieve an almost manic happiness.  I learned to love myself ages ago, as it became apparent kabuki required more love than was being handed out by my family and friends.  Simultaneously possesing both 'fragile ego' and 'indestructable self worth' kabuki has bounced between the highs and lows of life like a ping pong ball. Crazy or not kabuki has steadfastly continued down that long road to somewhere.  Did I say somewhere? I meant somewhere else.  kabuki has always wanted something intangible, unnamed, as yet unrecognizable.  I do hope I know it when I see it.  Because wouldn't that be a pisser?  To finally arrive at ones' destination only to stop, pee, buy a slurpee, and continue on down the road.  I must look into a karmic GPS unit.  So as to know when I have arrived.  I used to call this the 'pippin' syndrome.  To feel that there is more to life than this.  Perhaps I have been stuck in middle-age menopause since I was 12.  kabuki was always an old soul.

As you see by the attached foto, I have been dining with the feathered friends.  They don't seem to mind, and I allow them to watch kabuki.  It tends to balance out.   I watch them, they watch me.  Surrounded by flora and fauna, I guess I am never really alone.  Except in my dreams, for kabuki no longer dreams of love, lovers, and torrid nights under a desert moon.  The other evening I dreamed kabuki was driving through town in a beige buick. I really must look into some psychodelic herbs or something.  Need to liven up the unconcious mind - if you catch my drift. 

kabuki has decided that switch between me, I, and kabuki is extremely annoying.  Unfortunately kabuki has no plans to do anything about it.  For the time being.  As difficult as it is to even get a blog entry written, I will just have to put up with it.  I have never really tried to put up with myself.  kabuki may be breaking new psychological treatment protocols as we speak.  But let us never speak of it again.  I am already weary of my vast accomplishments, why add more jewels to my crown?  Although they do flatter me.  the jewels.  in my crown.  now all i need is a coat of many colors (that my momma made for me) and kabuki can safely descend into madness.  and blame it on the heat.  because it is hot.  too damn hot to wear a coat, thats for damn sure.  but as kabuki has said before (it bears reapeating) 'if you can't drag it - you shouldn't own it'.  kabuki has just decided to apply that to all aspects of life, not just outerware.  I no longer wish to own anything i can't drag.  

until we meet again, and the case if solved - i am kabuki zero.  know i am trying to rejoin the real world (both internet and face to face), and continue to wish me success in my endeavors. or not.  because kabuki is still picking them up, and setting them down.  capish?