Battlestar Saturnia

Under the leadership of the famed military leader Commander Zero the Battlestar Saturnia and her crew take up the task of leading the "ragtag fleet" of survivors into space in search of a fabled refuge known as California.  Fleeing the stinkbugs, Commander Zero will soon head westward with the remaining survivors of Planet Kabuki.  Yes, the planet is named after me.  Get over it.  When you are a megastar you can name shit after you.  Until then please show proper respect people. damn!  Having planned the escape from the stinkbugs for some time, Commander Zero realizes the 'right time'' is as often made as it is not.  Seizing the moment (and some other things - like moisturizer) the Battlestar Saturnia is made ready.  The 1996 purple metallic saturn station wagon will be fitted with death lazers, and a magnetic sheild.  If ammunition runs short Commander Zero may jettison the cargo in a last ditch effort to reach the fabled California.  The fate of the kabuki-race is in the hands of Commander Zero, and you do not want to know where those hands have been.  (remember the moisturizer - ha!)  We can all only hope and pray that the mission is successful.  Unless?  A plan of attack?  YES!!  It is believed by the inhabitants of the planet kabuki (namely me) that jewel-encrusted gold objects may provide the added luck (and bling) needed to acheive Commander Zero's worthy goal.  I am talking 18K or better people, kabuki is not a peasant.  And if I see one tanzanite or irradiated diamond - then the whole deal is off!  SO the plan is - as Commander Zero pilots the Battleship Satunia through the hazardous regions of space, he will swing by your place and pop open the space hatch.  Just toss the jewelry in, you don't have to make a big show of it.  And seeing as how the Battleship Satunia has shit for brakes, Commander Zero will not stop.  Jusy know how thankful we are all that you are doing your part.  And remember - delayed obedience is disobedience.  kabuki heard that one on the religous broadcasting chanel.  what fun.  So until soon, starting selecting your baubles, the space mission is off the drawing board and on the pavement.  Adieu

And as always, decorum is the key

As this tasteful year tastefully exits (stage keft), kabuki recalls with great fondness the many blessings of tastefullness that were so tastefully placed before us.  One can only dream that 2011 will take an abrupt 180, and head towards uncharted water as fast and she can hoist her missen-mast.  Yes, fellow travelers, 2011 is feminine.  With femininity cames great beauty, love overflowing, and sometimes pizza, pretzels and chocolate ice cream at 3 am.  Like you were going into work anyway.  You don't have a thing to wear, everything just hangs off your svelte frame, and even though they should be jealous - the other years just love you anyway.  Except that weird 2012, nobody knows what his problem is, but many feel it could be rectified with a little old custom we call frontal lobotomy.  It has really fallen out of favor, go figure.  As kabuki was shopping today (trying to fill that void that exists when you are not near) kabuki ran into many people who were not using the front of their brains at all.  Some did not use much of the back part either.  Whike kabuki is a lifesaver, kabuki is not medically certified to say these people were 'brain inert total crap heads' (or bitchs)  But experience allows kabuki to have a medical opinion.  They can't take that away from me.  Not until they pry the stethoscope out of my cold, dead  hands.  Why are deads peoples' hands always cold?  kabuki would venture that if were were dead in oh, let's say the front lobby of a Target, they would actually be quite warm.  As kabuki was earlier today.  While checking out I spied the cutest little re-usable bag on the counter.  "Are these on sale?" kabuki sweetly intoned.  "Why yes, they have been marked down, and we are trying to move them out" the 16 year-old cashier informed kabuki.  (kabuki did not know the 16  year old cashiers were part of the sales strategy - that store is obviously going places).  "May I have one?" kabuki demurred.  Women, even young girls, absolutely love when kabuki demurrs.  It is a gift.  "Only one?" the target cashier/marketing executive questioned.  "Yes, let's share with everyone" kabuki intoned, because sharing is just another part of giving.  kabuki is a world-class giver.  So sally sweetbread places the now purchased re-usable shopping bag into a plastic shopping bag.  This has been happening to kabuki all over town.  Are they too nice to use?  One cashier suggested kabuki might be purchasing the .99 cent bag as a gift.  Right when kabuki was going to school the cashier-ette a voice rang out "Hey, don't I know you?"  It was my sister - the demon from the downstairs of my nightmares.  kabuki wonders if my family has taken to following me now that I am flush.  Good luck to them.  A more probable reason is she has probably been barred from the local grocery stores (for criminal act upon foodstuffs).  It didn't matter, the momemt was lost, the cashiers' eyes were glazed, and kabuki made a hasty retreat.  So it continues.  Next time - how kabuki, in a moment of quiet restraint fell out of the office chair - for no apparent reason at all.  I suspect magnetic interference.   So until then is now, and now is then.  HAPPY NEW YEAR to my many (all 17) readers.  kabuki zero

2010 - kabuki wraps it up

mens and ladies, welcome to the year as i saw it, which is pretty much how it happenend.  yes folks, not too many hallucinations this year (damn), there's always next year. stayed somewhere awful, lost my home, now live somewhere horrible.  from super-megastar to scullery maid to a dispassionate cook - it should happen to a dog.  no, really - they are horrible with kitchen cleanup.  i read it somewhere.  my internet access went kablooey, then a small desktop pc accident, finally wrapping up with a netbook failure.  anybody wanna borrow my lucky penny?  kabuki remained bitter yet depressed thru this period, although there were brief moments when my hair looked fantastic.  life's little miracles, huh.  finally - it happened.  kabuki got her fibromyalgia disability case settled with the big ole gov't (watch out insurance company - you are next).  while most of the 8 years of non-work will not be retro-actively paid there will still be enough money to relocate to a warmer, drier climate.  kabuki is in the process of making preparations.  it will be an exciting year for all of us, because kabuki is sure to see wonders, and probably make up some shit as well.  what - like you're gonna stop me.  come on and bring it.  kabuki is like the cool breeze, here then gone.  like the mist coming off the lake.  unless that lake smells like dead fish, because kabuki would not feature that aroma.  like a lotta things, yes kabuki is like that.  many layers, subtle harmonies, a melody you can't quite remember.

This year came and went so badly, it was hard to find pleasure.  but here are some things i favored:
cooking outdoors.  silk pajamas.  godiva dark chocolate.  pot roast w/ winter vegetables.  hot air balloons (viewed from the ground.  kabuki gets vertigo BIG TIME) watching jewelry auction television.  hot bubble baths with a good comic book. listening to my parrot, who mostly speaks when i am in another room.  old friends.  finding out an old flame is still alive - and looking like hell.  really nice bed linens.  and getting my very own blog, happy one year anniversary to the man who told the world.  one day soon i will post the picture that inspired the title.  kabuki is back on the path, and you are gonna get to come along.  even though not one person gave me candy or flowers all year.  bastards.  but this is a time of celebration.  revenge is best served with a side of kabuki.

Here is my latest obsession, viewed via http://www.hulu.com/
The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers is a web series about two groups of rival dancers: heroes (The League of Extraordinary Dancers) and villains (The Alliance of the Dark) who discover they have superpowers through their dance abilities The entire story takes place over hundreds of years, beginning in the 1920s up to the year 3000.

Eye candy, ear candy, head candy.  If i could do anything at all - i would want to be smack in the middle of this production.  please give it a look.  how often does kabuki beg?  you don't want kabuki to re-enact scenes on your front lawn.  or maybe you do - you are a litlle freaky.  anyway - kabuki is back, kabuki is primed, and kabuki is happy.  what can you make from that?

The importance of good dental care.

Happy Holidays to all my internet mystery guests.  Having successfully chewed thru my restraints kabuki is once again free to mingle with the peasants.  And you as well, surely you knew I was speaking of them.  And they know who they are.  bastards!  keep kabuki off the internet?  kabuki will make wikileaks look like a pancake social.  kabuki knows things, trust me on this.  also, kabuki has no problem making things up.  before you know it - down will be up, kabuki's megastar status will be recognized, and i shall continue to place my size 7 foot againt the asses of the wrong-doers. rest assured my lovelies, it was one hard-ass fight, but kabuki prevailed. i have regained my independence, and am heading west as soon as possible.  How exiciting.  for me.  and what lessons may be learned as i travel across this great land.  by others, i am thru learning.  but not thru teaching, as i have a gift. for mankind. it is the kabuki way, and i shall delight in sharing it with you so very soon,  beacuse as you may have noticed AS I SAY IT LOUD - I AM BACK AND I AM PROUD.                        much love for now and ever - kabuki zero

Matters of Pertinance

Food. let's discuss. me first. pudding is disgusting. kabuki had a roommate that made pudding constantly. icky bowls of gelatinous sludge adorned kabuki's fridge. he (who shall remain nameless) would wait until the pudding skinned over before consuming. he (the nameless one) would treat the congealed outer surface like a 'pudding rollup'. kabuki felt it was a pudding scab. strangely enough, kabuki adores the occasional custard. and there you are.
Halloween. again, me first. many of you are consumed with angst, what is driving these tremors and facial tics you ask? you await this year's halloween chic. all things aquatic my lovelies. flounder, sea horse, anenome, let your mind wander. on the planet green network (a completely gay nat geo clone) they have been showing the sea shows on constant rotation. their programming manager Suzie B. has even been showing glimpses of next season at her beach house. Yes people, Suzie shows sea shows at the sea shore. (stop me!) kabuki has selected her costume after watching one of the above mentioned water programs. there exists a species of octopus which navigates through the briny deep by waving its flippers, which are located where its ears should be (if octopi had ears). it is even featured on a commercial. it is creepy and beautiful at the same time. (haunting) perfect for kabuki's megastar profile. kabuki even figured out the mechanics of the working ear flaps for the costume. anybody disturbed yet?

Entertainment. me again. everybody with ears (brilliant segue-way bukes!) should give a listen to The Lisp's monthly playlists. both january and june 2010 made me yearn for an additional sensory organ, and kabuki does not say that everyday, believe you me.  another show on planet green network 'the beekman boys' was briefly viewed by myself. can anyone guess which beekman boy kabuki would drown in their very own farmhouse sink? ick ick ick

Lifestyle. kabuki firmly believes everyone should have one. if you are lacking either life or style - please get with the program. you are ruining it for everyone. kabuki gives loving criticism only when awake, so some poor souls miss out. that is why from time to time kabuki will give general guidelines for living (tips for happiness) here in this blog. because you get what you pay for. sometimes. and that is just the best anybody could hope for. that, and falling down donald trump's stairs. cause that bitch would be carrying kabuki's handbag. until kabuki fired him. kissey bye byes - kabuki zero

Mrs Lunch Lady, my entree threw-up on my potato.

The mega-star known as kabuki is visiting friends in maryland and kabuki has taken over the laptop while the ladies prepare lunch.  It harkens kabuki back to the days of kabuki's youth, when lunch lady had a completely different meaning entirely.  Oh the grey-haired hairnetted providers of nutrious and wholesoome fare.  Or not.  My high school cafteria has a machine similar to wendy's frosty machine.  That place made a fortune of those little frozen chocolate num-nums.  I still want a frosty machine in my bedroom, although it is probably too hot in there for it to work properly.  POW! Theres' one for you.  As you can tell from the attached photo - kabuki is waving from the buduoir.  What a lovely collection of stuff, as you can see, kabuki is still arranging the various and assorted items that make up bedroom madness.  Those of you with sparse yet elegant bedrooms can bite kabuki's lovely white ass.  And don't say hoarder, because it is simply untrue.  Most of the items I have are lovely gifts for you, and others like you who may show up at my door at any time.  See - thoughtful to a fault.  I give and give, because kabuki is a giver.  And now I must dash - dinner is hot off the grill,  just wanted a more upbeat blog.  Be well, and know that you are much loved.  kabuki byebye

The blues is the new black

kabuki visits the dark side

kabuki knows love does not exist, at least for kabuki. half my life wasted on chasing love, the other half wasted on waiting to be chased. kabuki would gladly trade 'love' for a nice ham sandwich. kabuki knows that heaven does not exist, at least for kabuki. kabuki's near death experiences brought no white light, no inner peace, no loved ones waving. it was just the end. like turning off a light. kabuki knows doing right because it is the right thing to do is bullshit. Over and over examples of people doing wrong and succeeding are proof enough (madoff, hitler, blood diamond merchants). karma is nonsense. kabuki does not believe people are basically good. there may have been a time when this was true - but not in kabuki's lifetime. kabuki does not believe that honesty is the best policy. there are so few honest people in kabuki's life experience. and as for the meek inheriting the earth - by the time the non-meek are done with it it won't be worth a damn. kabuki envisions a radio-active cinder. enjoy.

THISJUST IN;

kabuki has apparently bitch-slapped kabuki's face for being such a downer.  Way to suck all the air out of a room buki - nice job. At this time kabuki would like a box of Godiva chocolates and a glass of champagne.  Or a glass of merlot and a pot-brownie.  And to humbly apologize for being such a weenie. Now lets all put on a fez, and party like its 1999.  I promise to be back soon,and happier then ever.  Even if it means kabuki has to cut a bitch (or two).  All in a day's work for a mega-star.  much lovies - kabuki zero