you are the one, now is the time

thank you bryan ferry - for such a poignant opening.  kabuki was momentarily at a loss for words.  a rare occurance, but my mind is troubled.  no, i would say bothered is a better descriptive.  ennui - i reek of it.  kabuki must cast  off the surly bonds of winter and prepare for the trek west.  kabuki is sad, cold and alone.... so lets fix the cold part.  kabuki will address sad next.  actually a road trip might just shake the doldrums from kabuki's lithe carriage. and as for the alone part, tis best for now.  so many decisions to ponder - so when does kabuki find the time to breakin a new beau?  suppose kabuki slips and damages the aforementioned beau.  kabuki knows the cold hard facts regarding love.  beaus simply are not returnable.  you break it, you bought it.  although kabuki is working on a no-penalty broken beau return plan.  perhaps if we all pitched in together.  kabuki says send all those lightly soiled beaus to holland, perhaps they can be trained to plant tulips.  and kabuki knows where those beaus can plant those tulips!!  (wow - what a lot of work for such a small payoff)

if there is anyone out there who is having a fabulous and fascinating winter of 2010=2011, would they please keep it to themselves.  if kabuki sees any over-the-top celebratory individuals kabuki will just snap.  it is true that misery loves company.  and nothing helps a bad mood like sharing it with others.  see. kabuki feels better already.  and apologizes for wasting your time with this go nowhere blog entry.  kabuki will cook up something really good for next time.  think unfound rumors and distasteful innuendos, because that is where kabuki shines.  and we all need to shine sometimes.

Doomicile for kabuki? Can our heroine escape a fate worse than deaf? What?

kabuki thanks the site where this kitty was found.  Now on  to business.  kabuki is aware of the grumblings and rumorettes that have been  floating around this fair planet.  let kabuki put your mind at ease.  everything you think you heard is true.  all of it.  moving on.   someone recently told me i was high at the event i was telling them about.  "I was twelve" i replied hotly, "and I most certainly was not".  "Well there is the problem" they said "you should have been".  Reverse logic applied at kabuki.  brilliant!  well played - kabuki thought.  "they can learn" kabuki mused, i will have to watch out from now on.  And people think kabuki is paranoid.  "deluded" they cried, in a sing-song chanty kind of way.  Like the Osmond boys with just a hint of Children of the Corn. 

It is snowing here again.  kabuki is not pleased with the snow.  it was just last week kabuki accused Felix of Hollywood of having a weather machine.  kabuki does not remember why just right now, but kabuki is sure the reasoning was quite sound.  you have to trust the decision making process.  and kabuki does.  anyway, now it would seem the very same device is in the hands of the enemy.  trust felix to leave planetary control devices laying around.  probably left it in his car.  felix drives a 1963 dodge dart.  it is black with avocado doors.  felix adores this car.  he calls it 'shalimar - princess of the i80.  he often speaks of adding a supercharger to that sweet small-block.  kabuki does not know what that means, but it seems oddly sexualized.  mildly disturbing -no?

the spring holds such promise for kabuki.  kabuki would like to remind the readers of this little news blog (because it ain't nothing but news that kabuki is frying up in the skillet of truth. so recognize)  that with so many decisions to be made at one time, it is possible that a miscalculation can occur.  So if kabuki puts up a blog about installing purple shag carpeting in the living room of Kabuki HQ, i would ask that the readers wait a day or two before slicing and dicing kabuki like puffer-fish sushi.  All except Norma Desmond - that tart couldn't hold her tongue with barbeque tongs.  and kabuki has already forgiven her.  what grace.  tatas

You are my starship, come take me home tonite

With feckless abandon kabuki has selected a new base of operations.  I don't see why people get so crazy about real estate.  I liked it, it was cheap, I bought it.  No I didn't visit in person, it's 2000 miles away.  I did look at several lovely pictures and speak with a most charming lady.  People - it is not like I dropped six figures.  We are talking mobile home in the desert.  Just how much would you pay?  Exactly.  And kabuki paid way less than that.  So it is a bit of a fixer-upper, at least kabuki won't be ripping up new stuff.  "Oh, I see you have selected a lavender brocade with splashes of silver for the kitchen.  How nice.  Do you think it will stand up to the heat?  (Of the blowtorch kabuki would have to take to it.  Have to, not want to.)  Surely you must have gathered by now that kabuki is a bit off the ordinary.  Why kabuki is expected to perform and behave like a sensible person now?  Kabuki has always been this way.  All my extremely interesting life.  And what is more interesting than moving to the other side of america?  Now you know why kabuki is so sought after for dinner parties.  No akward silences when the big k is dining with you.  "Did you know i once set myself on fire while chatting up a cutie in a bar?" OR "Did you know you can remove brocade wallpaper with a blowtorch?"  These are subjects that positively enhance any fine dining experience.  Trust kabuki in this, as you must trust kabuki in all things.  kabuki will never lie to you unless it is expedient to do so.  And that is why kindness is kabuki's middle name.  kabuki kindness zero - sounds like a missile launch code.  kabuki might have to rethink the middle name, to stave off an unwanted missile launch.  Although kabuki doubts the missile would be pointed at kabukis' new desert hq.  Best to be sure.  Housewarming hints - stove, fridge, washer & dryer, dishwasher, and some cute tea towels. Because you can never have too many cute tea towels.  Gotta go, need to hypnotize someone into driving cross country with kabuki, 2 insane parrots, a senile chihuahua and a truckload of Virginia wine (the perfect hostess gift).  We shall chat again soon, this is only going to get more interesting.  Ciao!

Battlestar Saturnia

Under the leadership of the famed military leader Commander Zero the Battlestar Saturnia and her crew take up the task of leading the "ragtag fleet" of survivors into space in search of a fabled refuge known as California.  Fleeing the stinkbugs, Commander Zero will soon head westward with the remaining survivors of Planet Kabuki.  Yes, the planet is named after me.  Get over it.  When you are a megastar you can name shit after you.  Until then please show proper respect people. damn!  Having planned the escape from the stinkbugs for some time, Commander Zero realizes the 'right time'' is as often made as it is not.  Seizing the moment (and some other things - like moisturizer) the Battlestar Saturnia is made ready.  The 1996 purple metallic saturn station wagon will be fitted with death lazers, and a magnetic sheild.  If ammunition runs short Commander Zero may jettison the cargo in a last ditch effort to reach the fabled California.  The fate of the kabuki-race is in the hands of Commander Zero, and you do not want to know where those hands have been.  (remember the moisturizer - ha!)  We can all only hope and pray that the mission is successful.  Unless?  A plan of attack?  YES!!  It is believed by the inhabitants of the planet kabuki (namely me) that jewel-encrusted gold objects may provide the added luck (and bling) needed to acheive Commander Zero's worthy goal.  I am talking 18K or better people, kabuki is not a peasant.  And if I see one tanzanite or irradiated diamond - then the whole deal is off!  SO the plan is - as Commander Zero pilots the Battleship Satunia through the hazardous regions of space, he will swing by your place and pop open the space hatch.  Just toss the jewelry in, you don't have to make a big show of it.  And seeing as how the Battleship Satunia has shit for brakes, Commander Zero will not stop.  Jusy know how thankful we are all that you are doing your part.  And remember - delayed obedience is disobedience.  kabuki heard that one on the religous broadcasting chanel.  what fun.  So until soon, starting selecting your baubles, the space mission is off the drawing board and on the pavement.  Adieu

And as always, decorum is the key

As this tasteful year tastefully exits (stage keft), kabuki recalls with great fondness the many blessings of tastefullness that were so tastefully placed before us.  One can only dream that 2011 will take an abrupt 180, and head towards uncharted water as fast and she can hoist her missen-mast.  Yes, fellow travelers, 2011 is feminine.  With femininity cames great beauty, love overflowing, and sometimes pizza, pretzels and chocolate ice cream at 3 am.  Like you were going into work anyway.  You don't have a thing to wear, everything just hangs off your svelte frame, and even though they should be jealous - the other years just love you anyway.  Except that weird 2012, nobody knows what his problem is, but many feel it could be rectified with a little old custom we call frontal lobotomy.  It has really fallen out of favor, go figure.  As kabuki was shopping today (trying to fill that void that exists when you are not near) kabuki ran into many people who were not using the front of their brains at all.  Some did not use much of the back part either.  Whike kabuki is a lifesaver, kabuki is not medically certified to say these people were 'brain inert total crap heads' (or bitchs)  But experience allows kabuki to have a medical opinion.  They can't take that away from me.  Not until they pry the stethoscope out of my cold, dead  hands.  Why are deads peoples' hands always cold?  kabuki would venture that if were were dead in oh, let's say the front lobby of a Target, they would actually be quite warm.  As kabuki was earlier today.  While checking out I spied the cutest little re-usable bag on the counter.  "Are these on sale?" kabuki sweetly intoned.  "Why yes, they have been marked down, and we are trying to move them out" the 16 year-old cashier informed kabuki.  (kabuki did not know the 16  year old cashiers were part of the sales strategy - that store is obviously going places).  "May I have one?" kabuki demurred.  Women, even young girls, absolutely love when kabuki demurrs.  It is a gift.  "Only one?" the target cashier/marketing executive questioned.  "Yes, let's share with everyone" kabuki intoned, because sharing is just another part of giving.  kabuki is a world-class giver.  So sally sweetbread places the now purchased re-usable shopping bag into a plastic shopping bag.  This has been happening to kabuki all over town.  Are they too nice to use?  One cashier suggested kabuki might be purchasing the .99 cent bag as a gift.  Right when kabuki was going to school the cashier-ette a voice rang out "Hey, don't I know you?"  It was my sister - the demon from the downstairs of my nightmares.  kabuki wonders if my family has taken to following me now that I am flush.  Good luck to them.  A more probable reason is she has probably been barred from the local grocery stores (for criminal act upon foodstuffs).  It didn't matter, the momemt was lost, the cashiers' eyes were glazed, and kabuki made a hasty retreat.  So it continues.  Next time - how kabuki, in a moment of quiet restraint fell out of the office chair - for no apparent reason at all.  I suspect magnetic interference.   So until then is now, and now is then.  HAPPY NEW YEAR to my many (all 17) readers.  kabuki zero

2010 - kabuki wraps it up

mens and ladies, welcome to the year as i saw it, which is pretty much how it happenend.  yes folks, not too many hallucinations this year (damn), there's always next year. stayed somewhere awful, lost my home, now live somewhere horrible.  from super-megastar to scullery maid to a dispassionate cook - it should happen to a dog.  no, really - they are horrible with kitchen cleanup.  i read it somewhere.  my internet access went kablooey, then a small desktop pc accident, finally wrapping up with a netbook failure.  anybody wanna borrow my lucky penny?  kabuki remained bitter yet depressed thru this period, although there were brief moments when my hair looked fantastic.  life's little miracles, huh.  finally - it happened.  kabuki got her fibromyalgia disability case settled with the big ole gov't (watch out insurance company - you are next).  while most of the 8 years of non-work will not be retro-actively paid there will still be enough money to relocate to a warmer, drier climate.  kabuki is in the process of making preparations.  it will be an exciting year for all of us, because kabuki is sure to see wonders, and probably make up some shit as well.  what - like you're gonna stop me.  come on and bring it.  kabuki is like the cool breeze, here then gone.  like the mist coming off the lake.  unless that lake smells like dead fish, because kabuki would not feature that aroma.  like a lotta things, yes kabuki is like that.  many layers, subtle harmonies, a melody you can't quite remember.

This year came and went so badly, it was hard to find pleasure.  but here are some things i favored:
cooking outdoors.  silk pajamas.  godiva dark chocolate.  pot roast w/ winter vegetables.  hot air balloons (viewed from the ground.  kabuki gets vertigo BIG TIME) watching jewelry auction television.  hot bubble baths with a good comic book. listening to my parrot, who mostly speaks when i am in another room.  old friends.  finding out an old flame is still alive - and looking like hell.  really nice bed linens.  and getting my very own blog, happy one year anniversary to the man who told the world.  one day soon i will post the picture that inspired the title.  kabuki is back on the path, and you are gonna get to come along.  even though not one person gave me candy or flowers all year.  bastards.  but this is a time of celebration.  revenge is best served with a side of kabuki.

Here is my latest obsession, viewed via http://www.hulu.com/
The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers is a web series about two groups of rival dancers: heroes (The League of Extraordinary Dancers) and villains (The Alliance of the Dark) who discover they have superpowers through their dance abilities The entire story takes place over hundreds of years, beginning in the 1920s up to the year 3000.

Eye candy, ear candy, head candy.  If i could do anything at all - i would want to be smack in the middle of this production.  please give it a look.  how often does kabuki beg?  you don't want kabuki to re-enact scenes on your front lawn.  or maybe you do - you are a litlle freaky.  anyway - kabuki is back, kabuki is primed, and kabuki is happy.  what can you make from that?

The importance of good dental care.

Happy Holidays to all my internet mystery guests.  Having successfully chewed thru my restraints kabuki is once again free to mingle with the peasants.  And you as well, surely you knew I was speaking of them.  And they know who they are.  bastards!  keep kabuki off the internet?  kabuki will make wikileaks look like a pancake social.  kabuki knows things, trust me on this.  also, kabuki has no problem making things up.  before you know it - down will be up, kabuki's megastar status will be recognized, and i shall continue to place my size 7 foot againt the asses of the wrong-doers. rest assured my lovelies, it was one hard-ass fight, but kabuki prevailed. i have regained my independence, and am heading west as soon as possible.  How exiciting.  for me.  and what lessons may be learned as i travel across this great land.  by others, i am thru learning.  but not thru teaching, as i have a gift. for mankind. it is the kabuki way, and i shall delight in sharing it with you so very soon,  beacuse as you may have noticed AS I SAY IT LOUD - I AM BACK AND I AM PROUD.                        much love for now and ever - kabuki zero