A Thousand Pardons

As all of my extremely beautiful and wise followers can attest to kabuki has moved to a glamorous megastar worthy motor lodge called Desert Palms.  Kabuki is awash in luxury, diamonds and furs, etc.  It is all kabuki can do to remain humble and sincere, is it not?  Anyway my babies, kabuki has signed up for the attractive VERIZON HIGHSPEED DSL - which does not work.  At all, ever, for any reason.  How incalculably rude thought the ever pleasant kabuki.  Unwilling to complain, yet fearing others would suffer kabuki reached for the New VERIZON IPHONE 4 - which does not work unless kabuki stands in the driveway of the aforementioned celebrity-worthy dwelling.  I was appalled because kabuki does the background research necessary prior to obtaining such expensive and apparently useless devices.  Due diligance and insomnia led kabuki to check coverage maps, read countless reviews and surveys, and even listen to the man in the street.  And why anyone would listen to a man standing in the street is beside kabuki, but as you probably suspect kabuki likes to follow the crowd.  kabuki goes along to get along yes sirree.  Don't make waves, be a small voice in a loud room, wall flower, a fleeting shadow at dusk, all of these descriptives are probably used by my many supporters when discussing my demure self.  So kabuki must apologise with a heavy heart and a shameful mind for allowing you, my reader, the important one, to go without the literary sustenance that is The Man Who Told The World.  And allow me to humbly thank you, and in my most Mother Theresa-like mood avow 'IF THESE BACKWOODS MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T GET ME CONNECTED BY TOMORROW THE HEAVENS SHALL RAIN DOWN A POWERFUL AND FEARSOME VENEGANCE UNSEEN SINCE KRAKATOA WENT BALLISTIC'.  In a loving and heart-felt manner of course.  kisses and bunny-hugs I love you too much to say aloud.

You'll never see it coming

A cunning master of disguise - yes that is true.  Eidetic memory - pehaps, kabuki cannot recall.  But it is kabuki's complete disregard for truth and and utter disbelief in reality that allows kabuki to bring forth another set of completely unsubstantiated claims against people kabuki may or may not have even met.  That is for the courts to decide.  Shall we begin:

What canadian diva is said to be responsible for the scuttling of the long awaited justin bieber shower scene in 'Glee'?  oh my

Which birthday girl is still reeling from the effects of a absinthe douche?  And what initails-only do-gooder is reported to have carried same hot birthday mess home on his lavender scooter?  hmmm

If kabuki were a betting person (i am not) kabuki would lay 5 to 1 odds that a hostile takeover of certain hollywood hotspots will happen by spring.  (think F___x's Chinese Theatre) what?

Is a certain french residence undergoing massive renovations to include a 'day spa' for recovering jewelry designers and such?  Is the addition of a Louis XIV garage really going to allow space for a 'zen hot house' (aka naked sex sauna)?  one wonders.

What famous film star (here in our very midsts) is said to be working on a completely fresh accapella version of Whoop-up, a broadway musical unlike any other.  Is famous husband slated to design backdrops solely out of balloons?  kabuki is intrigued.

One hears, but does not believe, that a mega-star famous for her closeups was spotted in the Hollywood hills wearing only a tiara and clutching a small animal to her bosom.  That animal later turned out to be an ermine muff, but that is not why we are here today, now is it?  A trail of glass beads led all the way back to Sausalito, where she keeps her stable of show ponies.  perplexed- so is kabuki.

Is a certain Mister about to shove off on a ninety-day cruise ship extravaganza?  Said to be working on a tuxedo made entirely of dollclothing for his 'grand entrance'.  (how couture)  Kabuki's team of psychics pleads to 'stay home, or at least stay off the grand staircase'.  kabuki can say no more lest the delicate veil separating truth and fiction be ripped asunder.  bon voyage indeed!

Has our chain-smoking film-noir darling been permanently banned from the NASCAR winners circle?  Seems hot cigarette ash accidentally set Ms America's dress on fire prior to the awards ceremony.  Who doesn't wear flame retardant gowns nowadays?  Melted polyesther can be oh so difficult to remove from trophies, as kabuki well knows.

Was a certain poisonous playmate seen flashing her vajayjay at Elton Johns' after party?  All kabuki can say is the seafood salad on the buffet went untouched.  Now you tell me.

And finally - what famous oriental megastar has been lured to the desert with promises of kabutzing with Hollywood royalty?  And what same megastar was caught completely offguard to find out that scorpions are not the denizens of the desert.  It is mummies.  Two mummies, wearing matching purple tshirts were seen piloting a bmw convertible down Palm Drive yesterday.  Can same-said megastar solve the riddle of the pyramids to stave off possible mummy infestation?  can't say, cuz right now megastar  is going to take a nap.  adieu mon cheri   

There was a boy...

A figure from my childhood, an icon, the hero kabuki wanted to become.  Not too far from the mark kabuki would venture.  Everyone play along and try to guess the name of this hero, this dynamic force in a young mans development.  kabuki also remembers a summer replacement show - mid  60s - called something like Coronet Blue.  The star of the show has amnesia.  He is beset with troubling difficulties (ticking time bombs, groups of goons, dead pilot at the wheel of the plane) and in the very nick of time (about 28 minutes in) the star suddenly remember he knows how to solve the dilemna and voila!, he has once again saved the day.  As an adult kabuki searched for ages to find the show, certain of its theatrical excellance.  On second viewing it's just a cute blond in tight pants.  But what is so wrong with that?  Of course kabuki still enjoys a cute blond in tight pants, but with a more jaded eye.  A question for the hollywood set - whilst watching a performance do you use your own talent as a measuring stick to judge the players?  kabuki wonders how you would not.  Is kabuki that shallow? (no)  For many years kabuki was quite simply the very best at something.  Most agreed, the rest were of no consequence and summarily dismissed.  kabuki actually had an inside voice dialogue as follows:  'I am the funniest person I know.  I am the funniest person I have ever met.  I am NOT the funniest person I have ever seen. etc'  This dialogue covered many activities, and kabuki did not pad his talents.  Many of the categories kabuki had low score, so we rarely covered those areas.  But some other areas, where kabuki was (and in some cases, IS) in the positive column served well to prop up a sometimes wobbly ego.  Good or bad kabuki has never been surrounded by 'yes men'.  And others in kabuki's lifestyle community so often lash out blindly, mistaking cruelty for cleverness.  Some are just plain cruel.  kabuki avoids these children.  Not out of fear, more out of a desire to not be soiled.  Lay down with dogs, etc. So while kabuki scours the desert for new allies and such, do be kind.  It's not that kabuki doesn't want to play silly games. it's just that in the end kabuki will rip your soul out and set it ablaze.  And its hot enough here already.  ciao

I'm your primate dancer. A dancer, a monkey, and any old music will do.

Someone please revoke my craigslist priviledges before I do something silly.  I believe thats what went thru kabuki's mind.  A long time ago.  And who the hell does Home Depot think they are kidding with $15 Big-as-a-horse Orchids. Trying to cull favor with the kabuki person.  It almost worked until a snarling Bruce slunk past.  You would thing that place had a dress code.  Anyway - here is the start of the living room.  The teak coffee table requires refinishing, so it is not pictured.  It is hiding in shame in the sunroom.  Please feel free to crush kabuki's dreams by remarking how tattered everything appears.  kabuki will just die.  After she takes you out into the desert and says bad things about your upbringing.  Because that is how kabuki rolls.  Any way with little sleep, money, patience, chocolate ice cream, etc kabuki shall press on.  My sincere thanks to the several people who assisted kabuki, the move would not have occurred without them.  Many thanks to felix - it was his idea after all.  So if you need a sacrifice for the earthquake gods, call me and kabuki will give you directions to LA.  Really, kabuki is still much to busy unpacking to undergo any sacrificial duties at this time.  It is always nice just to be nominated, as so many people in California will attest.  Also, no one warned me about little latino women driving golfcarts on the road.  It is difficult enough to drive out here (so picturesque) without hysterical fits of laughter.  Really, must you think only of yourselves?  And a word to the armed gunmen who robbed the Sally's beauty supply store the very week kabuki arrived :  too little, too late my criminal friends.  To compete with kabuki's level of beauty you should have started at birth.  Plus - Sally's beauty supply - what did you make off with?  Wash-out color rinses are so 1970s.  Must kabuki now educate the criminal set as to style and grace?  Oh well, as you can tell - lots to do here.  kabuki is happy, excited and just a teensy bit proud of himself.  More to come - of that you can be sure.  tatas

I am ARRIVED!!!!

with a 16 hour drive thru an arizona windstorm the kabuki child has arrived.  the only damge so far was a large round marble table top.  kabuki considers this to be a successful move.  strangely, it rained in the desert the very next day.  is mother nature looking for a fat lip?  kabuki does not play well with others, as a certain unpleasant yet unartrractive sales clerk named Bruce will atest.  Apparently Bruce is the reigning queen of the Palm Spring Home Depot Major Appliance Department.  kabuki will be shopping at Lowes, and hopes Bruce finds a new line of work soon.  I would suggest bullet-proof vest tester.  And her extremely fey and unappealing friends can help mop up the blood.  kabuki frowns upon unpleasant workplace behaviour, especially when she is in no mood.  enough about unpleasantness.  kabuki am arrived, you can see the pool from my bedroom and snow capped mountains from the drive.  stargazing under the carport was not succesful, but i do believe i gassed up the truck right next to Ted Nugent.  How exciting.  For him.  Seeing kabuki drive a Ford F350 16 foot box truck towing a car carrier holding the purple saturn station wagon of hope.  He'll probably write a song about it.  kabuki would, but really tries not to toot one's own horn.  At least in public.  Until soon, and next time - photos galore.  kissey booboo's, kabuki.

Anyone care for Desert?

Just a quick note to update the quivering masses.  On the extremely highway-like rt 40, currently stopped in Conway, AR.  Perhaps I'll meet some twitty-birds,you just never know.  Briefly - Tennessee - the good: Arby's urinal screens are emblazoned with Osama BinLadens' picture.  The bad :  kabuki saw the largest rebel flag ever, flying proudly over a business.  i am talking 12 feet wide, on a 100 foot pole.  kabuki was filled with disgust. Arkansas - the good: while driving next to fields of something kabuki was crop-dusted.  I watched the plane make a pass, bank left over the highway and head back.  kabuki pondered 'what are the chances it will pass directly over head?  And what would the odds be that said plane would open it's jets a teensy bit early?'  We know the answers, don't we fair readers?  kabuki + birds + wordly goods all crop dusted.  Had to roll the windows down to air out the cabin.  This is the life of a megastar, so don't be so quick with the jealousy.  Felix suggested it might be a CIA attempt to quiet kabuki's voice of reason.  But kabuki will not be silenced so easily.  kabuki has smelled worse at a Todd Rundgren concert.  Anyway on to the bad:  arkansas has the worst radio ever.
from christians telling me about my sinful friends (please try to be a little extra sinful.  just for kabuki) to NPR going on and on and on about what kabuki cannot even remember.  And a couple of country music stations thrown in for color. ick ick ick.  Moving on, as kabuki wondered down the road kabuki's extra keen senses noticed something amiss in a field next to rt 40.  Of course kabuki investigated.  kabuki has trained for just such an event.  Someone (or something) had taken all of the nearby cow patties and arranged them into pleasing geometric patterns.  kabuki was on to something, and is here to announce to the world.  KABUKI HAS DISCOVERED CRAP CIRCLES IN THE MIDWEST.  kabuki advises everyone to stay tuned, updates as they occur.  and now kabuki must rest, double locking the motel door just in case.  kisseys

hello world - please shine a light on kabuki

with a 16 foot rented truck, towing the purple station wagon of delight, kabuki heads west.  with a song in my heart (and an ache in my back) we seek warmer pastures.  think only good thoughts, well-wishers that you are.  if that truck doesn't make it all the kabuki may just set up camp where ever we roll to a stop.  can you just feature kabuki hawking her wares on the side of rt 40, like a common polka-dot street whore.  speaking of polka dot whores, one left me a text message a short time ago.  you let the hired hands have a few castoffs and low and behold, a sense of righteous indignation springs forth.  if you see her, please remind the polka dot queen (of nowhere) to eat her lunch outside.  the living room drapes reek of soy sauce and cheap salmon.  kabuki is surprised the entire place is not overrun by cats.  rumor has it a certain polka dot lady has a cat only to take the blame for any bad smells that may be noticed in her sex room.  kabuki did not even know that latex can go 'off'.  this internet thing is quite educational, and not always in a bad way.    dear ones - think of me, driving home for the first time.  with the dog and max - the talking parrot.  kabuki dropped a box of something, kabuki said 'shit', and max chimed in 'you bitch!'.  kabuki does hope he was referring to the box. otherwise its gonna be a bumpy road for everyone.  bon chance kabuki, that's what the voices in my head are saying.  and kabuki is glad they are friendly.  tatas