A fistfull of popsicles

No, that is not the title of the next Clint Eastwood spaghetti western.  Although it could be, kabuki is available for rewrites and stuff.  What you see in the picture is kabuki's new-used kitchen appliances.  A lovely couple in La Quinta took their realtor's advice and swapped out the 5 year old GE Profile appliances with stainless steel.  Apparently no one wanted 'built-in' appliances, so they were sitting in their garage.  Kabuki showed up (like I do) and offered to take the yumminess away, prepared to make multiple trips in the purple saturn station-wagon-of-love. The man said 'Our open house isn't for two hours, help me load them in my pickup and I will follow you to your house." So kabuki thought to himself "you want to deliver the free kitchen full of appliances to my house, I guess I am ok with that".  What lovely people they are, and kabuki got a cooktop, built-in microwave, dishwasher, double convection oven and side by side refridgerator.  What a pleasant Saturday indeed.

On Sunday kabuki awoke with a pulled muscle.  A small price to pay, and I did my best to ignore it.  How one pulls a 'butt muscle' moving kitchen appliances is unknown to kabuki, and yet it was to be.  After installing the cooktop and visualizing the rest of the appliances in place kabuki fortified himself with a 'light bologna sandwich and a fistful of popsicles.  As kabuki headed to the swirling hot mineral water spa kabuki ran into the property manager.  She knows kabuki uses the spa daily, and has been proactive in the maintenance of same-said pool of hot deliciousness. 'There are baby ducks in the spa' said the manager, 'and they won't let me scoop them up in the pool net'.  I followed her to the spa and watched as she chased a family of ducklings around the 12 by 40 foot spa with a ten foot pole.  It was a hallmark moment to be sure.  Jacked up as I was on frozen juicy popsicles (I love 'em) i removed the net from the end of the pole and entered the pool.  It was but moments before the darling ducklings were caught and  returned to their momma, who watched the entire affair with the practised air of boredom that seems unique to mothers.  The manager was properly amazed, and kabuki told her 'Birds I got, nets I got, consider me your go-to guy for bird related activities'.  You could see the relief wash over her. And kabuki was able to enjoy the swirling spa water, with neither ducklings nor people bothering me.  It was just me and the crazy hummingbird that lives in the bouganvilla bush, and he knows kabuki isn't gunning for him.  So, how is your memorial day weekend going?  kabuki canot wait to see what Monday is going to bring.  How much better is life when you just accept the strange and go with the flow.  That is kabuki, floating down the karma river.  Life is good when it's good.

The secret of my success

My birthday was a rip-roaring success, in no small part thanks to you.  Yes you, you know who you are, and so do I.  kabuki bows demurely at your feet, you delicious people of wonderfulness.  Wonderful well-wishers were about, chocolate cake was had, and movie stars were chatted up.  A bottle of macadamian nut liqueur arrived from hawaii, some steaks arrived from omaha, and a lovely house plant arrived by post.  Kabuki rolled up the kimono sleeves and repaired the garbage disposal, so that is like a gift to myself.  Food that displeases kabuki shall now face utter destruction.  Kabuki only hopes the birds that live with kabuki will follow that veiled threat to its logical conclusion.  The dog is too big to fit so a diferent evil death threat shall be concocted for him.  but enough about me.

There are really only two things you need to succeed in this kabuki's world, and i shall tell you what they are.  The first thing you need is a large glass filled with ice and a delicious beverage of your choice.  A great southern beauty like myself requires (and desires) iced tea.  Lemon or mint leaves to taste, and a sweetener of some sort.  Sugar in the raw, a stalk of sugar cane, splenda, whatever is close at hand.
The second requirement is a communication device.  Phone, computer, netbook, telegraph, something.  It is essentially that you contact people, and that they feel they can contact you back.  Of course they really cannot, but we will cross that bridge later.  what is imporrtant is that they think you are reachable.  Because as you talk to people, and tell them about yourself (if you don't, others will. believe me) these same people will try and tell you things about themselves.  As if anything could be more painful.  They might as well stab you and set your hair on fire.  But there are people in this world who think we want to know about them.  Absurd.  They want to know about us, duh!  But why is that a two way street.  Do we care what color Britney's labia is today?  Not even one bit.  You mother fell down the escalator at the mall?  So sad for her.  What impact do these events have on kabuki?  Other than the part of my life wasted by listening to you tell me, no impact at all.  Really if you think about it, you just need a microphone on your phone.  The speaker is both irritating and intrusive.  This is wht Twitter is such a hit.  You can just speak to people.  Of course they can 'tweet' back at you.  Even the name (tweet) shows what little importance is paid to the reply.  'But kabuki, how do we know they are even listening' you ask.  Thanks for interrupting.  First, people are generally nosy.  Not us, them.  You know they are just dying to know what we are doing, eating, talking about, etc.  Second, even as you read this someone else is wondering what y ou are reading.  Because you (like kabuki) are fascinating and interesting.  And they want to be you, own you, be on you, just watch you, and tons more creepy stuff like that.  And kabuki still did not get a taser for my birthday.  If the creepy people spirit me away it will be on your heads.  You will re-read my old blogs thru teary eyes, too sad to even get out of bed.  And then kabuki will escape the creepies, and once again regale you (the important people) with my tales of daring-do and general hilarious events.  Because nonsense is my business, and business is looking up.  i love you, kabuki zero

People of Earth, greetings from kabuki zero

hey babies, whats happening?  kabuki is having a time of it in good old palm springs.  my move and associated expenses (landscaping was at least 20 dollars), have left poor kabuki in a state of withdrawl withdrawl.  that is to say, i can't get no satisfaction (monetary or otherwise) via the bank.  with my birthday LOOMING on the horizon kabuki has decided to beg for the funds required to keep the internet alive ( i haven't paid the blood thirsty bastards at verizon, and they are all pissy about it).  perchance kabuki might even have enough to get a delightful chocolate monster cake from costco.  it is chocolate with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles.  it weighs 37 pounds, and is the size of a five year old.  it is kabuki's favoritest birthday cake (to date), but the sucker costs 20 dollars.  Oh kabuki remembers the days it cost 20 dollars just to go to work, but those days are gone (Sob).  kabuki has a fantastic plan to increase funding (think bonsai pot plants), but has yet to put it into action.  so kabuki thought of a one time pleading, begging, and other horribly annoying actions to the beautiful people of the interweb.  can you possibly see your way to clicking on kabuki's donate button.  we shall never speak of it again.  kabuki actually wrote this plea yesterday, and blogger wiped it out.  kabuki does not take hints from the universe very well.  so kabuki is once again forced to rely on the kindness of strangers.  although you don't seem that strange.  my neighbor, now there is a strange bird.  but kabuki does not think she is a reader of blogs.  perhaps not a reader at all.  more like a 'color the placemat while daddy orders' kind of a chick.  but it is not about her today.  friday the thirteenth is a mere 7 days from kabukis 25th birthday.  It was so marvelous kabuki is recreating the event from memory.  unfortunately all kabuki can remember is there was cake.  so kabuki will start there and improvise the rest.  thanking you in advance for your anticipated cooperation is the salutation you so richly deserve.  all my love, all the time kabuki zero - mystery godess of the sublime, in total harmony (or denial) with the universe.  salut

Impotent Overlords of Internet Incur kabuki's wrath

Some rat bastard has decided that kabuki needs to pay for the use of high-speed internet access.  After ignoring their repeated (and annoying) emails begging for payment (blood suckers!) kabuki has no choice but to submit.  However, my recent move and excessive landscaping bills ($20 bucks at least), have left the coffers of kabuki in a sad state.  Having sold off all valuable belonging except internal organs kabuki thought he would plead with the masses for a one-time injection of love funds to keep the 24-7 access to asian ass porn (reference material) as well as email, etc available.  For as surely as my name is kabuki zero, planetary goddess of light and yummy spokesmodel celebrity, verizon will cut me off.  Since kabuki was planning on an economical lifestyle, my phone is actually a majic jack, requiring an internet access point.  Seeing as how everybody kabuki is related to will be calling in 9 short days to wish me birthday greetings and explain why they didn't buy me so much as a damn card, it would be nice to hang up on them.  This will require phone service.  It is so hard to hang up a cell phone nastily.  (working on it).  I am on top of most everything else, and my plan to increase monthly income is underway (think bonsai pot plants), so kabuki hopes to never again have to beg anyone for anything.  This of course is impossible.  Just today an older gentleman caught kabuki drolling over his porsche carrera cabriolet (it was blue.  porsche does a pretty blue) and kabuki had to beg himself not to beat the man to death and take his keys.  (he would have spattered blood on the interior, you could just tell he was mean like that)  So you see it is useless to pretend.  Fortunately kabuki is a master of pretending.  It is a little like self-actualization.  Edgar Cayce said to visualize your desires (i am paraphrasing here).  And kabuki desires to not have anymore disturbances to the life force of his universe.  This includes no broken appliances, no loss/interruption of service, no more damn dental surprises (hi, i'm a cavity!),  and so on.  And just maybe kabuki will still have the devil-may-care bravado required to go into costco (using my brothers admission card) and purchase the enormous chocolate oh-my-god cake that deserves its own kitchen counter.  Because it is just that grand.  Talk among yourselves, give a good look at that bright eyed youth that was kabuki 31 years ago, and let us all hope for a brighter tomorrow.  Although it is pretty damn bright in the desert already, maybe a gentler tomorrow. kisseys

In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn a Pleasure Dome erect!

However. kabuki suspects good ole Kubla was a bit more flush than kabuki.  Kabuki wanders into Walmart, Lowe's, Costco (kabuki is still boycotting Home Despot) and loudly inquires "Can someone point me towards the diseased and dying everything's a dollar aisle?"  Collecting my misfit and mistreated childrens kabuki races home.  After careful placement (i set down the plant, and then run across the street to big picture the garden) kabuki then waits a day or two to weed out the weak plants, and finally kabuki will plant the survivors.  Give kabuki a $1.25 lavender bush, and kabuki will show you some plant moxie.  The front garden has the rubber mulch, which kabuki finds oddly creepy.  The garden up against the front facade is festooned with crushed white marble.  Kabuki is guessing from the Acropolis, but really it could be from any extremely famous ancient building.  The stuff costs like $4.00 a bag at Wal-Mart, so you know it positively reeks of history and ancient civilizations.  The rubber mulch just looks like old tires to kabuki.  But kabuki does not stand in the way of progress, and this stuff is supposed to last.  Kabuki does not wish to be out in the desert heat in late August topping off the mulch.  Kabuki wants to be leaning on a white ferrari convertible sipping expensive champagne somewhere like Monte Carlo.  Nice, France in a pinch, but August is not so pretty in Nice in August methinks.  Perhaps Baden-Baden, or where they make those swell Mont Blanc pens in Switzerland.  Remember kabuki is quite flexible, so feel free to include kabuki in any and all upper-eschelon travel plans.  Imagine the thrill and pride you feel as people behind you stage whisper "who the hell is that nut job in the kimono?"  You can turn and state "that NUT JOB is Kabuki Zero you unwashed eurotrash semi-royalty!"  Think back, when was the last time you were branded 'persona non grata' in europe.  This fall you will be the darling of the dinner party circuit, in your Dolce & Gabbana white dinner jacket, regaling one and all with your adventures.  "Tell us again how kabuki got you banned in Luxembourg, oh please tell us.  Can you really never step foot in Iceland again?  How fabulous."  After all kabuki is a giver from way back, and if you're paying (and you will be picking up the check) it is the very least kabuki can do to make sure you enjoy kabuki's company.  And why wouldn't you?  Kabuki is a perfectly agreeable person, and many feel kabuki is also 'easy on the eyeballs' so where is the down side.  Please submit travel ideas early, as there will obviously be more than one offer headed my way.  And until then kabuki shall try not to bump his head on the pool wall anymore. 

A BAD DAY AT CASTLE ROCK

Please excuse my absence, kabuki has been quite busy putting my house together.  From hanging attractive draperies to installing cooktops kabuki has done, seen it, and probably taken a power tool to it.  kabuki feel betters (still not cured), kabuki is losing weight, sleeping some, eating less, and taking in the restortive waters of the hot mineral spa.  kabuki says taking in, but kabuki accidentally swallowed some water yesterday, and the taste did not really strike kabuki as restorative.   It is quite rare that kabuki wanders off when happy, and kabuki assures you that kabuki is most ashamed.  Deserting one and all when MJ is having a shoe moment.  And the fact that ALL of my fun shoes (INCLUDING MY SILVER SNAKESKIN CHA-CHAS)  were left behind had nothing to do with my not entering.
And now for something completely different.  Having dressed and all, kabuki decided to venture into the Palm Springs night.  You see my outfit selection above.  At some point during my seven year sabbatical kabuki has turned into an old troll.  The over-dressed darling of our nations' captial looks like he should be growling under a bridge.  Why me? Why now?  Talk about god-smacked.  Can someone please recommend a god plastic surgeon, and can kabuki borrow 50 grand?  Surrounded by skinny tan rich people, and kabuki looks like a curmudgeon float for the macys day parade.  Doesn't kabuki get credit for all those years in sweat pants on percocets?  kabuki would really like to have half a chance at happiness, and kabuki is pretty sure doing 'Shrek' impressions at childrens parties will not cut it.   Since kabuki will be having a birthday very soon (shop early, shop often), maybe a sublte hint would help you to make a thoughtful selection.  (LIPOSUCTION)  Anyway, don't be mad at kabuki.  I is so sorry for my little self-indulgent mental vacation.  Punish kabuki with your kindness, thats a lesson not soon forgot.  adieu  ps. Is someone missing a chin?  cuz kabuki found it!

A indepth look at LOVE (from the kabukizero minds' eye series)



They say in springtime a man's fancy turns to LOVE.  A man's fancy what?  They don't tell you that part.  They just leave you hanging out to dry.  kabuki has several fancy parts.  This is but a hint dear reader of the madness that will ensue when LOVE comes to call.  As soon as it sets its sight on you, you are basically LOVE's bitch.  Better men (and women, transgendered, mermaids, space creatures. etc) than us have tried to outrun LOVE.  We cannot.  We can only outlast LOVE, and that is an unpleasant scenario as well.  Let kabuki give you a small glance into the minds' eye of LOVE. 

The beatles sang "All you need is love, love is all you need'.  Cute but incorrect.  You will also need lunch, because LOVE is actually hard work.  LOVE will take from you everything, and give back nothing.  LOVE  will also take nothing, and give to you everything.  Confused?  Love is a two-sided coin, a double edged sword. a wendy's double with the works (that lunch reference may me hungry).  You can search for LOVE and not find it.  You can hide from  LOVE and have it find you.  You may find and lose the LOVE of your life (insert kabuki's dramatic life story here), may never know real LOVE, may bounce in and out of LOVE like a 4 year old jacked up on M&Ms.  (do not try this at home)  There are people that are always in LOVE with someone new.  They are idiots, and it is best to steer clear of them.  Unless you are one of them (no offence, how you doing?)

TAFKA or Prince sings "Baby if you want me to, I would die for you".  Real LOVE places your beloved in the foreground, with you bringing up the rear.  Self-sacrifice in the name of LOVE is a time honored tradition (according to poets and sages).  Duels fought, wars waged, kingdoms lost.  All in the name of LOVE.  Yet you cannot buy LOVE, nor can you sell it.  It cannot be contained, constrained, reclaimed, defamed, and a bunch of other rhyming words as well.  For kabuki, LOVE defined my being.  I was walking down a hallway in my highschool when I saw the face that was true LOVE.  It redefined my sexuality.  I simply could not imagine my life without this face.  I telephoned every single day for 5 years.  I followed this face across the country, several times.  We were closest of friends, the cruelest of LOVE's ploys.  I invested almost 20 years of my life to this face, as it was my quest.  And was completely unsuccessful.  Oh yes, kabuki knows far too well of LOVE's power.  To this day I would rather spend one night in my true LOVE's arms than an eternity alone.  It cannot be. And everyone in the universe but kabuki can see this as clearly as the blazing sun.  This is the path kabui will walk down a million times, and each time take the wrong branch.  Just for the chance to experience true LOVE.  It sounds demented.  kabuki is a brilliant, sane, attractive person with the world to give, yet kabuki could not shake LOVE's grasp.  Obsession?  Too small a word.  Mind crushing all emcompassing omnipresent LOVE, that's what it is.  What a horrid thing to do to a sentient being.

When Sinead O'Connor screams "I would kill a dragon for you", this is the sentiment  that defines LOVE best for kabuki.  It speaks of sacrifice yes, but of mythical beings and impossible odds and determination.  This song Troy, of unwanted advances and unrequited LOVE tears little pieces of kabuki off and floats them down the river of despair.  It symbolizes the dark and selfish side of LOVE, and kabuki will admit to time spent there.  Yet kabuki has moved past shame, accepted blame and finally put an end to the life long true LOVE horror story that tormented kabuki for decades.  kabuki has come to terms with this addiction, and realized he was powerless in its grasp.  kabuki even accepted that the face was more than likely deceased, and all hope long lost.  kabuki had a good cry, packed it away.  Then Facebook recommended the face as a friend (we had mutual friends in common).  kabuki has been on facebook since forever, and the week kabuki comes to terms with LOVE, the face joins facebook.  Tell kabuki LOVE is not alive and kabuki will laugh in your uneducated face.  There is  rhyme and reason to the universe people, there is a reason you are right here right now, there is a higher power.  It is LOVE, and kabuki is just sick about it.

Finally, David Bowie sings "With your kiss my life begins.  You are spring to me, all things to me.  Dont you know you're life itself?"  That is the new LOVE kabuki seeks, for kabuki is but a man.  And man is but a fool.  And fools are meant to LOVE.  I have recovered from my chance vision of the face.  Twas but a stumble along my path.  kabuki (having both natural grace and regal poise) quickly regained balance and composure.  kabuki is extremely proud of this.  having been alone since 1991 kabuki knows solitude is only pain.   You may remember kabuki no longer fears pain.  And as long as kabuki remembers that, life will continue and a new LOVE may appear.  No one can prove otherwise.  kabuki envisions a time when a new LOVE will exist.  As kabuki gazes into the abyss, new LOVE will grasp kabuki's hand and say "Don't scrunch up your face like that, people will think you are retarded".  That is LOVE.