And now there are five

There are 6 children in my family.  One girl (the oldest) and 5 boys.  I am the oldest boy and since my father died in 1975 I am the supposed Patriachal figurehead.  The 5th child, a blonde haired blue eyed scamp, did not wake up this morning.  He was 48 years old.  He had battled drug and alcohol addiction his entire life.  Some battles he won, some he did not.  He had one last good rally, kicking heroin and alcohol, and was living on his own in Texas.  The damage done to his body was severe.  He has broken his back at some point during his drug and alcohol fueled downward spiral, and it went untreated for some time.  How fucked up is your life that you can have a broken spine, and not be clued into it?  eek.  He had been shot, beaten almost to death, he spent a good portion of last year in a coma, we thought we had lost him and then he woke up. 
  During  his many years of turmoil I often played the 'bad guy' in the family structure.  I absolutely refused to enable his destructive behaviour.  I did help when he was clean, but when he was not I just couldn't.  Whether this was beneficial or helpful is not important.  If someone is determined to self-destruct no level of support is truely appropriate.  You can't fix what people don't want fixed.  You can't heal them, shield them, you simply cannot love someone back to whole.  sorry, it doesn't work that way.  Makes a good story, a compelling movie, but i can find no evidence to support this practice.  Anyway, I was called by another brother this morning, and given the news.  We don't know why, and that is also irrelevant.  If ever someone was on borrowed time, it was Frankie Joe.  I do not know why I was so calm and seemingly unperturbed by this event.  It is true that he no longer suffers, that he is at peace, and that the days of worrying about his welfare are over.  I should like to believe he rests in his mother's arms in heaven, but who can say.  He was a pleasant man, friendly and people genuinely liked him.  He also stole, lied, and did how many unspeakable acts we shall never know.  Such is the live of many an addict.  My own near-death experiences have offered no clue as to an afterlife.  It was just a shutdown.  A life stoppage.  My faith is shaky at best, and under constant change as i redefine my belief structure to suit my mood.  So i cannot say what has become of this blonde haired blue-eyed boy.  The one who struggled his whole life.  It seems so cruel to live a life of such hardship.  Did he know how awful was his existence?  I once drove past a pan handler at an intersection who looked like him.  Because it was him.  I was in my Jaguar.  That will mess with your head. if not then, later on.  Hello therapy. 
  So this afternoon I was speaking to a dear friend on the phone and wandered outside to let the dog attend to some business .  I looked over and the oleander bush i have re-grown from a stump was in beautiful bloom.  Huge white flowers all over.  It was simply amazing.  I said to myself 'i shall try to think a kind thought about frankie joe everytime i see a white oleander flower'.  I think that would be nice.  I come back inside and try to write a blog entry.  I cannot.  I google my brother's name, just to see what comes up.  A life off the grid is still not invisible, I did find one search record that indicated a man by that name lived in Texas.  I smile.  I google kabukizero, just because i am a self absorbed attention whore.  One of the top five search results is the local Heroin Treatment Facility.  I have never even heard of them.  I have never been in the same room as heroin.  I don't know anyone who used heroin except by departed brother.  Was he saying goodbye?  There are coincidences in life, and then there are shining examples of what i term 'there is more going on than you will ever know'.  You will have to draw your own conclusion, I just smiled and hoped for a better tomorrow.

A Love Story?

As my faithful followers (and a few unfaithful ones as well - zing!) are well aware, kabuki relocated to the desert for health reasons.  Since arriving in March the weather has been unseasonably mild (for the desert, that is) Low 90s and high 80s daywise, 60s & 70s in the eves.  Almost idyllic, and kabuki has enjoyed every minute of it.  As all good things must end, the weather is finally headed towards normal.  For the desert.  In June.  So 104 degrees slapped kabuki in the face this afternoon.  "Welcome to the desert, bitch!" Mother Nature hissed in kabuki's ear. "You forgot the humidity, whore" kabuki spat back.  Let us pause:  Should the recently discovered local dormant volcanoes suddenly erupt, one might look back with remorse.  Let us resume.  Kabuki spent many years in Washington, swamp-city, DC in the most ungodly months of summer IN FULL FUCKING BUSINESS DRAG.  Yes, we are talking sportcoat and tie, you don't pull down the big bucks or command respect in a polo and chinos.  Why kabuki recalls one particularly unpleasant august not so long ago.  kabuki was in his office. solving computer related problems, sipping on an iced tea when ther phone rang.  My kabuki-sense was tingling but i shoved it aside.  "Hello" my business persona said, "how may I assist you?".  Because in those days kabuki was all about the assisting.  At $37 bucks an hour kabuki will assist the hell out of things.  nuff said.  It was my Boss, a man kabuki admired and respected.  "Need a favor" he said, "Name it" kabuki said.  "Need some documents hand-carried down to the White House" boss said. "Why you telling me?" kabuki said.  "You are the only one currently available, the documents just arrived at your location by cab" Boss said.  "Hope the cab is waiting" kabuki said, "Sorry" Boss said.  Let us pause.  For the average person it may not be common knowledge that in the sweltering summer months cabs are impossible to find in our Nation's Capital.  They don't like to run the ac, so they all go hangout at the airport.  A pox on all of them. We can resume.   "So let me recap" said kabuki "You want me to walk from my office to the White House in a suit in August to hand deliver documents".  "That would be about it" said my fearless leader.  "I am gonna looked like a drowned rat when I get there" kabuki stated.  "A drowned rat with credentials and important documents" said my boss.  So for love of job and country kabuki schlepped down Pennsylvania Avenue.  We all know, it is an honor just to be called.  And kabuki did not answer the phone for the rest of August.  That is what voice mail is for. Wasn't that a fun anecdote?  I thought so as well.  Now, kabuki saw on the Craigslist that someone was selling a misting system.  Apparently it can lower the outdoor temperature significantly for those times you wish to frolic with nature.  Why was kabuki not informed of this?  Must kabuki learn of helpful and pleasant devices from the street?  What exactly do you people do, anyway?  Kabuki needs a misting system STAT.  Please contact the Army Corps of Engineers (or whoever) and get this project started.  You know in advance kabuki will be grateful, and shouldn't that be enough.  Does kabuki have to sweat?  eeeww,  it is almost 100 paces to the pool, suppose kabuki overheats.  Have you ever been in a kimono and white-face in August?  kabuki thought as much.  indeed.
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Good news, Bad News, Silly news

Kiwi the one-eyed demonic Quaker bird that kabuki adopted almost a decade ago passed away last night.  kabuki would say it was from meaness, but who truly  understands the mysteries of the universe?  (besides myself of course)  She only wanted a peaceful little corner of the world to hide in, and kabuki provided that, in a big way.  The nastier she was the better kabuki treated her.  So I guess you really can kill someone with kindness.  You have been warned.  She was interred in a lovely bit of desert (my side yard) behind a rose bush.  A simple pile of stones marks her final resting spot.  kabuki has no doubt that she is frolicking in bird heaven, released from her pain and suffering (which she shared freely).  She is no doubt as beautiful as when she was young, and may she find the love she sought here on earth.  I know she was lonely, for she once made friends with a male lovebird.  Unfortunately she was unable to  share space with hambone (the male lovebird) for she was prone to biting pieces of other birdies.  I did not let her fly much, for she only flew to the next cage and tried to start a fight with whatever occupant was closest to the bars.  She was a slow and cumbersome bird. you could actually reach up and pluck her out of mid-air. like a balloon.  But she was one of my angels, and kabuki can only hope the kindness afforded her made her stay more pleasant.  I didn't really think I would cry, and yet now I cannot stop.  Say a little prayer for her, and all mistreated creatures (including man).  Life can be so beautiful, let  us not forget it can also be quite cruel.  

A fistfull of popsicles

No, that is not the title of the next Clint Eastwood spaghetti western.  Although it could be, kabuki is available for rewrites and stuff.  What you see in the picture is kabuki's new-used kitchen appliances.  A lovely couple in La Quinta took their realtor's advice and swapped out the 5 year old GE Profile appliances with stainless steel.  Apparently no one wanted 'built-in' appliances, so they were sitting in their garage.  Kabuki showed up (like I do) and offered to take the yumminess away, prepared to make multiple trips in the purple saturn station-wagon-of-love. The man said 'Our open house isn't for two hours, help me load them in my pickup and I will follow you to your house." So kabuki thought to himself "you want to deliver the free kitchen full of appliances to my house, I guess I am ok with that".  What lovely people they are, and kabuki got a cooktop, built-in microwave, dishwasher, double convection oven and side by side refridgerator.  What a pleasant Saturday indeed.

On Sunday kabuki awoke with a pulled muscle.  A small price to pay, and I did my best to ignore it.  How one pulls a 'butt muscle' moving kitchen appliances is unknown to kabuki, and yet it was to be.  After installing the cooktop and visualizing the rest of the appliances in place kabuki fortified himself with a 'light bologna sandwich and a fistful of popsicles.  As kabuki headed to the swirling hot mineral water spa kabuki ran into the property manager.  She knows kabuki uses the spa daily, and has been proactive in the maintenance of same-said pool of hot deliciousness. 'There are baby ducks in the spa' said the manager, 'and they won't let me scoop them up in the pool net'.  I followed her to the spa and watched as she chased a family of ducklings around the 12 by 40 foot spa with a ten foot pole.  It was a hallmark moment to be sure.  Jacked up as I was on frozen juicy popsicles (I love 'em) i removed the net from the end of the pole and entered the pool.  It was but moments before the darling ducklings were caught and  returned to their momma, who watched the entire affair with the practised air of boredom that seems unique to mothers.  The manager was properly amazed, and kabuki told her 'Birds I got, nets I got, consider me your go-to guy for bird related activities'.  You could see the relief wash over her. And kabuki was able to enjoy the swirling spa water, with neither ducklings nor people bothering me.  It was just me and the crazy hummingbird that lives in the bouganvilla bush, and he knows kabuki isn't gunning for him.  So, how is your memorial day weekend going?  kabuki canot wait to see what Monday is going to bring.  How much better is life when you just accept the strange and go with the flow.  That is kabuki, floating down the karma river.  Life is good when it's good.

The secret of my success

My birthday was a rip-roaring success, in no small part thanks to you.  Yes you, you know who you are, and so do I.  kabuki bows demurely at your feet, you delicious people of wonderfulness.  Wonderful well-wishers were about, chocolate cake was had, and movie stars were chatted up.  A bottle of macadamian nut liqueur arrived from hawaii, some steaks arrived from omaha, and a lovely house plant arrived by post.  Kabuki rolled up the kimono sleeves and repaired the garbage disposal, so that is like a gift to myself.  Food that displeases kabuki shall now face utter destruction.  Kabuki only hopes the birds that live with kabuki will follow that veiled threat to its logical conclusion.  The dog is too big to fit so a diferent evil death threat shall be concocted for him.  but enough about me.

There are really only two things you need to succeed in this kabuki's world, and i shall tell you what they are.  The first thing you need is a large glass filled with ice and a delicious beverage of your choice.  A great southern beauty like myself requires (and desires) iced tea.  Lemon or mint leaves to taste, and a sweetener of some sort.  Sugar in the raw, a stalk of sugar cane, splenda, whatever is close at hand.
The second requirement is a communication device.  Phone, computer, netbook, telegraph, something.  It is essentially that you contact people, and that they feel they can contact you back.  Of course they really cannot, but we will cross that bridge later.  what is imporrtant is that they think you are reachable.  Because as you talk to people, and tell them about yourself (if you don't, others will. believe me) these same people will try and tell you things about themselves.  As if anything could be more painful.  They might as well stab you and set your hair on fire.  But there are people in this world who think we want to know about them.  Absurd.  They want to know about us, duh!  But why is that a two way street.  Do we care what color Britney's labia is today?  Not even one bit.  You mother fell down the escalator at the mall?  So sad for her.  What impact do these events have on kabuki?  Other than the part of my life wasted by listening to you tell me, no impact at all.  Really if you think about it, you just need a microphone on your phone.  The speaker is both irritating and intrusive.  This is wht Twitter is such a hit.  You can just speak to people.  Of course they can 'tweet' back at you.  Even the name (tweet) shows what little importance is paid to the reply.  'But kabuki, how do we know they are even listening' you ask.  Thanks for interrupting.  First, people are generally nosy.  Not us, them.  You know they are just dying to know what we are doing, eating, talking about, etc.  Second, even as you read this someone else is wondering what y ou are reading.  Because you (like kabuki) are fascinating and interesting.  And they want to be you, own you, be on you, just watch you, and tons more creepy stuff like that.  And kabuki still did not get a taser for my birthday.  If the creepy people spirit me away it will be on your heads.  You will re-read my old blogs thru teary eyes, too sad to even get out of bed.  And then kabuki will escape the creepies, and once again regale you (the important people) with my tales of daring-do and general hilarious events.  Because nonsense is my business, and business is looking up.  i love you, kabuki zero

People of Earth, greetings from kabuki zero

hey babies, whats happening?  kabuki is having a time of it in good old palm springs.  my move and associated expenses (landscaping was at least 20 dollars), have left poor kabuki in a state of withdrawl withdrawl.  that is to say, i can't get no satisfaction (monetary or otherwise) via the bank.  with my birthday LOOMING on the horizon kabuki has decided to beg for the funds required to keep the internet alive ( i haven't paid the blood thirsty bastards at verizon, and they are all pissy about it).  perchance kabuki might even have enough to get a delightful chocolate monster cake from costco.  it is chocolate with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles.  it weighs 37 pounds, and is the size of a five year old.  it is kabuki's favoritest birthday cake (to date), but the sucker costs 20 dollars.  Oh kabuki remembers the days it cost 20 dollars just to go to work, but those days are gone (Sob).  kabuki has a fantastic plan to increase funding (think bonsai pot plants), but has yet to put it into action.  so kabuki thought of a one time pleading, begging, and other horribly annoying actions to the beautiful people of the interweb.  can you possibly see your way to clicking on kabuki's donate button.  we shall never speak of it again.  kabuki actually wrote this plea yesterday, and blogger wiped it out.  kabuki does not take hints from the universe very well.  so kabuki is once again forced to rely on the kindness of strangers.  although you don't seem that strange.  my neighbor, now there is a strange bird.  but kabuki does not think she is a reader of blogs.  perhaps not a reader at all.  more like a 'color the placemat while daddy orders' kind of a chick.  but it is not about her today.  friday the thirteenth is a mere 7 days from kabukis 25th birthday.  It was so marvelous kabuki is recreating the event from memory.  unfortunately all kabuki can remember is there was cake.  so kabuki will start there and improvise the rest.  thanking you in advance for your anticipated cooperation is the salutation you so richly deserve.  all my love, all the time kabuki zero - mystery godess of the sublime, in total harmony (or denial) with the universe.  salut

Impotent Overlords of Internet Incur kabuki's wrath

Some rat bastard has decided that kabuki needs to pay for the use of high-speed internet access.  After ignoring their repeated (and annoying) emails begging for payment (blood suckers!) kabuki has no choice but to submit.  However, my recent move and excessive landscaping bills ($20 bucks at least), have left the coffers of kabuki in a sad state.  Having sold off all valuable belonging except internal organs kabuki thought he would plead with the masses for a one-time injection of love funds to keep the 24-7 access to asian ass porn (reference material) as well as email, etc available.  For as surely as my name is kabuki zero, planetary goddess of light and yummy spokesmodel celebrity, verizon will cut me off.  Since kabuki was planning on an economical lifestyle, my phone is actually a majic jack, requiring an internet access point.  Seeing as how everybody kabuki is related to will be calling in 9 short days to wish me birthday greetings and explain why they didn't buy me so much as a damn card, it would be nice to hang up on them.  This will require phone service.  It is so hard to hang up a cell phone nastily.  (working on it).  I am on top of most everything else, and my plan to increase monthly income is underway (think bonsai pot plants), so kabuki hopes to never again have to beg anyone for anything.  This of course is impossible.  Just today an older gentleman caught kabuki drolling over his porsche carrera cabriolet (it was blue.  porsche does a pretty blue) and kabuki had to beg himself not to beat the man to death and take his keys.  (he would have spattered blood on the interior, you could just tell he was mean like that)  So you see it is useless to pretend.  Fortunately kabuki is a master of pretending.  It is a little like self-actualization.  Edgar Cayce said to visualize your desires (i am paraphrasing here).  And kabuki desires to not have anymore disturbances to the life force of his universe.  This includes no broken appliances, no loss/interruption of service, no more damn dental surprises (hi, i'm a cavity!),  and so on.  And just maybe kabuki will still have the devil-may-care bravado required to go into costco (using my brothers admission card) and purchase the enormous chocolate oh-my-god cake that deserves its own kitchen counter.  Because it is just that grand.  Talk among yourselves, give a good look at that bright eyed youth that was kabuki 31 years ago, and let us all hope for a brighter tomorrow.  Although it is pretty damn bright in the desert already, maybe a gentler tomorrow. kisseys