I'd like to teach the world to sing

greetings from me & mine to you & yours.  Spring is upon us like a cheap cologne, and kabuki can once again hear the murmurings.  To be loved is divine, and better yet to be loved from afar. Makes cleanup a breeze - if you get my drift.  Yet I feel Iwould be remiss if kabuki did not address the question asked every spring. "May we please erect a monument in your honor?"  Well- if wouldn't be the first thing kabuki had erected- if you see where I'm going.  I know your love for kabuki is endless - like a Glen Beck show, but without the stupidity.  Are you smelling what kabuki is cooking.  I realize the need to give back, to honor, to make substantial offerings to the one that is moi.  How could you not?  I've known me longer,and I give myself prezzies frequently.  I just ate a glazed donut.  It was a gift. A delicious gift, and how could I refuse?  Kabuki is not wired that way. Are you picking up what kabuki is laying down?  How can I deny humanity?  What gives me the right to torment?  Where am I going with this message to the masses?  Let me explain it simply.  kabuki is both honored and humbled by this request.  But to allow such worship would allow some to feel more pleasure than others.  "I live near the kabuki statue, you do not.  you suck" Can you feel the shame, the emptiness - oh the humanity.  Plus I have no doubt that property values near my edifice would skyrocket, allowing only the Donald Trumps of the world access.  It's just so hard.  How to giveand give back simultaneously.  Fortunately kabuki has the brains to backup the looks. No thanks necessary - its just part of being a 'total  package'.  (and still single - what!)  kabuki  has the solutionto this, and many other problems.  All you need do is ask (ahem- Mr. President).  My answer -A park.  For the children.  Because kabuki cares. For the children.  Perhaps 20 acres or so.  In every city.  For the children.  Imagine. kabuki fields. forever.

Planet Kabuki - where dreams go to misbehave

Here we are again - You and I.  I had a dream last night.  My father was brandishing a large kitchen  knife.  For some reason it annoyed me greatly.  I told him I was gonna have him put away for a long time.  How terrible am I?  Of course, you never had to eat his cooking.  I'm just sayin.  Anyway, I was a little depressed today.  I had to run some errands, take the trash to the dump, other chores too horrible  to name. OK I'll tell you. I had to stand in a line, A QUEUE, in WALMART.  Please come and kill me. Me in line at WALMART. What if someone sees me. And the cashier even engaged in small talk.  "Do you have a bunny?" she asked as she rang up my bunny pellets. "You could say that" I replied.  What is it with people and talking?  Does kabuki give off 'friendly' vibes?  You know it buddy.  I am a freakin' friend to all mankind.  Little children smile, senile old geezers wax nostalgic when they see my spry steps.And the ladies love kabuki!  LL Cool k!  rap on you planetary sensation.
  On to better discussions. My hands hurt. Alot.  All the time.  My Doctor prescribed a pill for me.  It makes me hurt everywhere else.  So now I have a choice of where to hurt. Somebody is gonna get an ass beating. I might just cancel Christmas over this one.  SO heres how it goes. I have hand pain for several days - then I say FUCK IT, take my hand meds, wait for everything else to hurt. If I learn how to hold a weapon in my feet - well then its gonna get unpleasant.  Until then I may just frown alot.  It has been slow going as I move into my new kauki lounge.  I do not know why people flee when I move.  I relocate frequently - you think they would get used to it.  I can't help it if I have  heavy furniture.  Hit the gym a bit more often you sissies, and it won't be a problem.  Of course I can't carry a damn thing.  But I can supervise like a mad woman.  Thinking back, there are a lot of things I can do like a mad woman.  Maybe that can be the name of my one man show "Like A Mad Woman", an evening with kabuki zero.  I smell a cable series.  Everybody rush out and get HD Big Screens right now, because you will want this show to be life size or better.  That way when I tell people 'it's gonna be big', it will have the ring of  truth.  I  am counting on you, and I know you will come thru.  Also - some startup cash - just till I get the first 6 episodes in the bag.  Thanks in advance, love you long time, kabuki zero.

Extreme Sleep Sports

Two weeks late, and just a back view of an already seen photo.  What can possess me to be so bold, so heartless?  One brother in drug rehab, and another in ICU on life support.  My relatives will go to any extreme to avoid sending kabuki a birthday card. What a callous, selfish bunch!  And when I used my rewards card at  my pet store I naturally inquired about birthday booty.  "We don't do that anymore" they said.  "Why" I asked with tearsof disappointment burning my cheeks.  "We do other things, besides, its not just about your birthday" the evil storekeep stated.  I leaned over and whispered in his ear "that is where you are wrong. It is exactly about my birthday."  I stormed out, stopping only long enough to get the scarlet macaw screaming 'Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye!'  I do so love my work. 
Now as to my tardiness. I have been under the weather a tad.  Blame it onb the extremely beautiful spring days we have been having.  Nothing like sleeping away a lovely day.  Thank heavens I plan to live forever, so I canmake up the days I missed. Anyway - laying in my bed - ignoring the bird, who keeps saying "what are you doing?".  What a nosy creature, and if I give a smartass reply, I am sure it will repeat it in front of company.  Anyway - laying in my bed, watching the discovery channel - you are never to old to learn people - I came across a show deetailing my very symptoms. No doctor needed here, I have my answer.  DCI - decommpression illness.  The Bends.  I have never been diving in my life (it wreaks havoc on kabukis'makedup) , and yest there it its- my illness.  Logical answer - SLEEP DIVING!  I must have been craving that good old adrenalin rush, and my unconcious mind couldn't wait any longer.  Once again- people - I am on to something here. Rock climbing- ho hum!  But at night, in the dark, asleep, in your pajamas THATS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!  Sleep Hang Gliding - the wind buffeting your sleepy little face. Who is gonna wake up with a smile?  You and me - that's who.  But no bungee jumping - I may be asleep but I am not an idiot. I think.  Love to all - I strive to return to a daily adventure with you - my beloved blog beings.

I'll build a glass asylum (with just a hint of mayhem)

Time to address the minions.  MINIONS- look sharp!  kabuki will enlighten you, and don't cash your paychecks till saturday.  kabuki's psychic cash flow has to clear the bank. A few questions answered- then on to business.  NormaDesmond - owning an exercise video is all the exercise you need.  You are cursed with eternal beauty.Not your fault.  If they dig you up in 100 years (and they will), you will still be all cheekbones and legs.  Stephen - you will be admired by many, adored by several, loved by a few.  Many people will say 'what does he have, that we do not?'.  It is magic, and it looks good on you. kabuki has the hots for you, and knows your husband will dice up kabuki's liver.  so from afar i admire.
  OK DOKEY -people.now is the time to address our paranormal neighbors, right?  WRONG!!  There are more than enough psychic bozos spouting nonsense about 'whatever'.  Let kabuki shine the light for you.  kabuki is interested in the para-abnormal.  Do you think crazy people don't die?  You think a normal person would drag a clanking chain around a castle for 300 years?  Now you're getting it.  There is crazy on both sides of the psychic storm, and kabuki is your lightning arrestor. Why? Why you?  Why you now?  Damn - you ask alot of questions.  Who better than kabuki to navigate the unusual, the odd, the slightly freakish.  Have you met my family?  One good family reunion picture woould answer so many questions for you.  I know crazy, and it is afraid.  Afraid kabuki will take over.   Fortunately , although I have exensive management skills kabuki has no interest in 'running things'.  I literally let the crazies run th asylum.  It keeps things fresh.  I only offer advice. As a mentor. For the insane.  Lesson One- If god/dog/talking toaster tells you to kill your neighbor - say NO! BAD GOD/DOG/TALKING TOASTER!  Why let the voices be in charge.  You don't listen to anybody else, why are you listening to broccoli?  It is still your universe - even if it looks like a Tim Burton set.  Anyway - the voices won't shut up even if you do what they say.  They are like a bratty little sister.  Yak Yak Yak.  Personally - I have screeching tinnitus in my ears, I think a voice might be a refreshing change.  Work with what you got people, and when it gets to be too much - call on kabuki.  I will be there for you- always.  Because that is how it works.  OKTHXBAI

a travesty of justus

Recently I was chatting with Felix in Hollywood. The subject was yours truly so I was fully engaged. I mentioned my dropping fan numbers, he suggested that there may be people who do not care for me. What a ridiculous notion. It's like saying "You're not my type". I am too. I am everybodys' type. This is widely known. Sometimes I am troubled by peoples' faint grasp on reality. Just yesterday I was watching a show on delusions. There are people who believe the most ridiculous crap you have ever heard. Thankfully kabuki is fully grounded. Did I mention I was working on a new exercise craze? Zombie exercise. Zombie your way to fitness. Stick your arms out in front & lurch from side to side as you amble down the street in search of brains. Believe me - you could walk the length of my street and find nary a brain. It is a workout and social commentary at the same time. Just remember to moan & groan. There are several of you who will need no help there. You are already moaning - your exercise routine is half-complete. And don't you love being ahead of the curve? kabuki lives there, my street name should be Ahead of the curve Blvd. I suppose I could run around all day shouting 'I told you so!'. But I do not. Besides few people pay any attention to me. I must work on my presentation skills. Perhaps I could convert carbon dioxide into hydrocarbon fuel. That should keep them engrossed. Just have to watch my back, them dirty oil companies will not be happy. What better time to say 'fuck em'. Now I just have to get Jaguar to sign on - and I am good to go.   Next time : Ask the kabuki - a chance for the answers you need.  start thinking of your questions now.  kabuki sees some, tells some - like a friggin' psychic.  WOW

killing me softly with his thong

PEOPLE OF EARTH!  THIS IS THE BLOG OF KABUKI ZERO!  DO NOT BE AFRAID!  Or be just a little afraid, because you know the truth is coming at you.  No photo this entry, and I humbly apologize.  Been an off week, but who cares about me?  I am here to talk about YOU, the most important person in the chair you are now sitting in.  If standing - please sit down, it is impolite to read standing up.  Were you raised in a bar?  Now - on to business.  Warm weather is upon us, and that means many of you will dash off towards the local waterhole.  Before you go - a quick word.  We are all adults, we have all experienced the joys of youngness.  It is now time to behave like civilized North American Adults.  Men - that means two words => BOARD SHORTS.  Unless you are in a competitive diving event sponsored by your College - put that speedo in the trash.   Act like the man I know you can pretend to be.  Nude beaches are perfectly acceptable, board shorts are perfectly acceptable, speedos are not allowed.  Do not make me embarass you in public.  If I see you in public in a speedo - you had damn well better be sporting a french passport - OR IT IS ON!  I know I seen quite peaceful and loving, but there is another side to kabuki.  And yes, that is also my good side.  The cameras just love me. 
Now Ladies, unlessyou need to show off your new heiney tattoo (and please don't bother), there is no reason to rock a thong.  You want to wear a bikini - it better be in St. Tropez.  While on the continent please restrict yourself to a lovely two-piece with a coverup for when you are not swimming/basking.  A one piece would be refreshing unless you are Beyonce,  cuz that fool needs to cover it up.  Is no one aware of the sin of overexposure?  I know Britney, Paris & Lindsay like to flash the cooch - but are they really the role models you would choose.  Sophia Loren never shot a beaver, and she is doing just fine - thank you very much.  I hate to bring you people down - but every summer becomes more like an outdoor shooting of 'Jerry Springer' and I know you didn't all grow up in back-water mobile home parks.   Is it not time for a safer, gentler summer?  Do we need daisy-dukes, camel-toes, banana-hammocks to express our individual beauty?  Kabuki says no, and hopes you do as well.  Your joy at regaining your humanity  is all the thanks I require.  Although 10s and 20s go along way as well.  I am redecorating y'know.  And kabuki on a budget is a sad, sad thing to see. So until next time, keep the love alive - and have a little fun.  tata    

Frisky felons unite, let us raise our glasses high

Another day in the life of kabuki zero. Some say legend, others say superstar. I will let you choose your own superlative for moi. (be nice) Yesterday I broke the unwritten law. I sold some of my jewelrys. You should never ever do that, but these are troubling times. I blame Hitler. He was bad and now he is dead, and I lay the blame at his little Nazi feet. (fat bastard) Appropriately attired I set off for the local jewelery buy/swap/sell store. (ick) I had been there when it was just a 'sell' store - apparently it has branched out. I walk in. There is an enormous Vuitton bag on the counter. A little man is trying to sell it. He is the store owner - and he has on way too much jewelry. And if kabuki thinks it is too much - oy vey! I walk over to him as the Vuitton customer declines to purchase said bag. "How much for the Vuitton bag?" I ask smartly. "A Grand" says little jewelry man. "Seems kinda low" I state to him. "Oh, it is $2700 at the LV shop" he says. Apparently I have passed the "Thousand Dollar Handbag" test. I guess if I had shrieked and looked stunned he would have escorted me out. "I would like to sell a few items" says I, reaching into my pocket. I noticed him eyeballing my diamond ring. "Not that" says I. Out comes a velvet box. I offer up my wedding band, a diamond cross, some little baubles. He picks up the cross "I am looking for larger stones" he says. He is wearing nothing larger than a .25 carat. But I would estimate he has on 10 carats of bling. (eeech) "That is .50 carat of white diamonds in 18K white gold" says me to little lord bling, "Give it back to me". and back into the velvet box it goes. I sell the assorted rings and such for some much needed cash. Thank god I switched to 18K gold years ago - or I would not have got a thin dime from that man. I notice the rolex watches in the case. "Would you like to see one of them?" he grins at me. "I have one thanks" I casually mention as I peer into his beady eyes. His salesperson hollers from across the store "the bank is on line one, they must speak to you before noon". He excuses himselfs and then stands directly in front of me as he speaks loudly into the phone. "Hi Brenda, did I overdraw again? My bad, just take Ten Thousand out of the other account to cover it. Thanks, bye". Who was that little display for, I wondered. Me, the salesperson, maybe even himself. I thank him, he thanks me, and I head off to Walmart to buy an installation kit for an icemaker, and a spline tool so I may re-screen the screen door. Several errands later I hit McDonalds with my netbook, and find out I am a big winner. I splurge and have french fries instead of salad. What decadence. I must still be dizzy from all those little diamonds shining at me this morning. I wonder if the jeweler makes the staff call him 'Mo Shiny Dee' or 'twinkle cracker'. I must stop in again soon. And remember to take my Vuitton shoulder bag. I have not played 'austentacious kingpin in years'. I am definitely going to need new flip-flops. Damn - I have to go back to Wal-Mart. It will have to be tomorrow. Today I must go downstairs and see what my sister has done to the kitchen. Smoothie all over the counter, and last night's dinner still hangs in the air. Let me hazard a guess. If you soaked a llama in raw sewage and then cremated the ass-end using a frypan, yes, I am going with that. Until we meet again fair reader - keep up the good fight, be kind to strangers, and put on something sparkly. I know I will.