Matters of Pertinance

Food. let's discuss. me first. pudding is disgusting. kabuki had a roommate that made pudding constantly. icky bowls of gelatinous sludge adorned kabuki's fridge. he (who shall remain nameless) would wait until the pudding skinned over before consuming. he (the nameless one) would treat the congealed outer surface like a 'pudding rollup'. kabuki felt it was a pudding scab. strangely enough, kabuki adores the occasional custard. and there you are.
Halloween. again, me first. many of you are consumed with angst, what is driving these tremors and facial tics you ask? you await this year's halloween chic. all things aquatic my lovelies. flounder, sea horse, anenome, let your mind wander. on the planet green network (a completely gay nat geo clone) they have been showing the sea shows on constant rotation. their programming manager Suzie B. has even been showing glimpses of next season at her beach house. Yes people, Suzie shows sea shows at the sea shore. (stop me!) kabuki has selected her costume after watching one of the above mentioned water programs. there exists a species of octopus which navigates through the briny deep by waving its flippers, which are located where its ears should be (if octopi had ears). it is even featured on a commercial. it is creepy and beautiful at the same time. (haunting) perfect for kabuki's megastar profile. kabuki even figured out the mechanics of the working ear flaps for the costume. anybody disturbed yet?

Entertainment. me again. everybody with ears (brilliant segue-way bukes!) should give a listen to The Lisp's monthly playlists. both january and june 2010 made me yearn for an additional sensory organ, and kabuki does not say that everyday, believe you me.  another show on planet green network 'the beekman boys' was briefly viewed by myself. can anyone guess which beekman boy kabuki would drown in their very own farmhouse sink? ick ick ick

Lifestyle. kabuki firmly believes everyone should have one. if you are lacking either life or style - please get with the program. you are ruining it for everyone. kabuki gives loving criticism only when awake, so some poor souls miss out. that is why from time to time kabuki will give general guidelines for living (tips for happiness) here in this blog. because you get what you pay for. sometimes. and that is just the best anybody could hope for. that, and falling down donald trump's stairs. cause that bitch would be carrying kabuki's handbag. until kabuki fired him. kissey bye byes - kabuki zero

Mrs Lunch Lady, my entree threw-up on my potato.

The mega-star known as kabuki is visiting friends in maryland and kabuki has taken over the laptop while the ladies prepare lunch.  It harkens kabuki back to the days of kabuki's youth, when lunch lady had a completely different meaning entirely.  Oh the grey-haired hairnetted providers of nutrious and wholesoome fare.  Or not.  My high school cafteria has a machine similar to wendy's frosty machine.  That place made a fortune of those little frozen chocolate num-nums.  I still want a frosty machine in my bedroom, although it is probably too hot in there for it to work properly.  POW! Theres' one for you.  As you can tell from the attached photo - kabuki is waving from the buduoir.  What a lovely collection of stuff, as you can see, kabuki is still arranging the various and assorted items that make up bedroom madness.  Those of you with sparse yet elegant bedrooms can bite kabuki's lovely white ass.  And don't say hoarder, because it is simply untrue.  Most of the items I have are lovely gifts for you, and others like you who may show up at my door at any time.  See - thoughtful to a fault.  I give and give, because kabuki is a giver.  And now I must dash - dinner is hot off the grill,  just wanted a more upbeat blog.  Be well, and know that you are much loved.  kabuki byebye

The blues is the new black

kabuki visits the dark side

kabuki knows love does not exist, at least for kabuki. half my life wasted on chasing love, the other half wasted on waiting to be chased. kabuki would gladly trade 'love' for a nice ham sandwich. kabuki knows that heaven does not exist, at least for kabuki. kabuki's near death experiences brought no white light, no inner peace, no loved ones waving. it was just the end. like turning off a light. kabuki knows doing right because it is the right thing to do is bullshit. Over and over examples of people doing wrong and succeeding are proof enough (madoff, hitler, blood diamond merchants). karma is nonsense. kabuki does not believe people are basically good. there may have been a time when this was true - but not in kabuki's lifetime. kabuki does not believe that honesty is the best policy. there are so few honest people in kabuki's life experience. and as for the meek inheriting the earth - by the time the non-meek are done with it it won't be worth a damn. kabuki envisions a radio-active cinder. enjoy.

THISJUST IN;

kabuki has apparently bitch-slapped kabuki's face for being such a downer.  Way to suck all the air out of a room buki - nice job. At this time kabuki would like a box of Godiva chocolates and a glass of champagne.  Or a glass of merlot and a pot-brownie.  And to humbly apologize for being such a weenie. Now lets all put on a fez, and party like its 1999.  I promise to be back soon,and happier then ever.  Even if it means kabuki has to cut a bitch (or two).  All in a day's work for a mega-star.  much lovies - kabuki zero      

Zero News Alert: MAN BITES GOD !

Kabuki begs forgiveness for the unavoidable absence. Few people know that kauki was raised in spanish harlem. It was a sad childhood, wandering the streets in a tattered kimono, wearing the same kabuki wig for days at a time. While this did serve to steel kabuki's ambition to become a superstar, it was a long and winding road. Makes me want to sing, as many people know kabuki has a lovely singing voice.

Once megastardom was thrust kabukis' way it became time to put away such foolish notions like singiing for fun. God forbid some tabloid publish my unique vocalizations of some familiar tune. Next thing you know everybody's singing my version of 'Scary Monsters'. Trust me when I say David Bowie does not need this type of aggravation. So anyway, like I was saying, it occurs to me that very soon(as in very soon) kabuki
will join the public and regain the coveted DSL access to the webbernet. It may only be days before I can bug you peopleona MUCH more frequent basis. This is only one of the exciting things kabuki is planning. If you have anything important to do, now is the time. Don't blame me if you miss your own wedding because you are glued to the computer screen. I gave you plenty of time off this summer, so no whining. But currently I must dash, so until next time, when we will discuss the member of out blog community who is secretly the heir-apparent to the Vespa scooter fortune, kabuki bids adieu

Is it time to calibrate kabuki's imagination?

kabuki was daydreaming, waiting for sleep to come. kabuki had moved west. kabuki was helping the local theatre by working as a wardrobe stylist - but only part-time. kabuki knew that to show up all the time would only result in some nincompoop hitting kabuki with the white-hot spotlight. Then kabuki would wax philosophically whether it was reasonable to trains wildebeests to use a littler box. Kabuki was going to have them hunt for and ingest tanzanite, which kabuki would sell in front on WalMart. (tanzanite girls say "hey") You see kabuki would realize the intestinal juices of the wildebeest would only heighten the beauty of the tri-chroic gemstone. Then kabuki would stop, walk off the stage, and slap the playwright into the fall season.

"Sheesh", kabuki said while departing, "Who writes this crap?"

I will drink your cup of poison…

I will drink your cup of poison…

Unless it is a MacDonald’s frappe, because they are just plain nasty. So anyway, many people ask kabuki – they say “kabuki – you live a life of glamorous abandon, how do you do it?” Nosy little bastards (kabuki thinks to self). The answer is pure simplicity itself. De-clutter, pare down, have more by having less. Simplify. Of course that is not how kabuki does it, but you might give it a try. kabuki is not a role model, all kabuki needs is a run on kabuki wigs – and then my heaven is gone. But kabuki will let you in on the secret only because you are special to kabuki. Complete denial – kabuki lives a life of complete denial. Not saying kabuki denies self – that would just be ignorant. No no dear friend, kabuki pays no attention to distracting truths. Information that contradicts kabuki’s views or opinions are avoided and/or discounted. You would be amazed how much stress is avoided using this simple tenet. And it only becomes easier as you get better at denying the reality. Bonus – it tends to make people around you just a little more crazy! (I know – no down side) Feel free to shop around, but kabuki is sure you will return time and again to kabuki’s unique way of surviving. Some may even thrive, you get what you give. So give yourself permission to finally realize that you have been right all along. Unless you disagree with kabuki – in which case you are an idiot. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

On a completely different note kabuki was watching a missing persons show recently. It seems a 10 year old girl was missing. A young tow-headed lass, she was good in school, went to church, did volunteer work, and helped take care of the family’s horses. (kabuki thought ‘what a little angel’.) And she spent her spare time on her hobby – writhing. kabuki did not even know that writhing was considered a hobby. Kids these days. Anyway if you come across a little blonde girl writhing on the floor alert the authorities, because her folks want her back. Until next time - kisses

I'm not an actor, but I play one on television

Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!  Madness is about and we must flee for our lives. I blame it on the heat.  Today as I sat in a sweet little internet cafe (McDonalds) I witnessed a woman pickup her little baby, look it in the face and proclaim "Mommy's not crazy, no she is not".  Obviously a lie to put the toddler at ease.  Shortly thereafter, every male seated in the estblished began to belch loudly.  kabuki may never return, as kabuki left skid marks on the linoleum exiting the building.  But on to HOLLYWOOD NEWS.  kabuki has noticed the accolades and such heaped upon Felix, and not being jealous at all, kabuki will provide HOLLYWOOD NEWS to drum up a little support.  Take a good look at my photo people, does that look like a happy, mentally-stable kabuki?  I didn't think so either.  So on to HOLLYWOOD NEWS.
Sources say there are no plans to bake bannana bread with a file in it for the lovely has-been Lindsy Lohan.  It looks like a timeout in the slammer is in store for our leggings queen.  so sad. or not.
 MJ will neither confirm or deny rumors that she has been in talks to play the lead in the desperately awaited sequel to AVATAR, tentatively titled AVASTAR. (she is a shoe-in for the goddess role)  Sources do state that she has been away from her canadian mansion plenty this summer. 
Felix will direct and star in a way-off broadway musical salute to 'Laverne & Shirley'.  He will play Squiggy - and there is no doubt a film version will follow. Lets hope he directs the film version as well.
Donna Lethal is all over HOLLYWOOD, wearing a different designer each and every day. It is reported that Vera Wang and Vivienne Westwood had a hair-pulling cat-fight in London's Heathrow Airport all the while screaming "Bitch - she's mine".  Rumors are she favors vintage Galliano, but she has been spotted in Norma Kamali as well.  Stay tuned readers- this is sure to heat up.
Kabuki will revisit her role in "The Glass Menagerie", but only because kabuki likes to say "but mama, I'm crippled". Not a dry eye was seen in Grumans Chinese Theatre - which has been remodeled just for the two-week run.  Is a sidewalk star of fame in kabukis' future. Duh.
An unnamed male star has stated that his name and the phrase 'deep passage' are not to be used in the same sentence ever again!  Lawsuits at the ready for this sad little boy.

Tune in next week, HOLLYWOOD NEWS is always fresh, current, and completely made up.  kisseys