Where When Who How Why - what are you, a friggin journalist?

I spin slowly, balanced on just one toe.  I am suspended in my 10,000 gallon hot spa.  The music fades out, and the roar of the crowd is deafening.  Having just performed my classic water ballet, set to 'Let's get Physical', by Olivia Newton John.  (yes kabuki enoys the classical music, no phillistine here!)  Originally performed purely for the enjoyment of myself and a few night birds, kabuki was once again thrust onto the world stage when discovered by spy satellite.  (again)  Whenever kabuki is having the cell-phone difficulties - you can be sure a spy satellite is overhead.  Spying - its what they do.  I mean, it is their first name, for crying out loud.  Don't you people get it.  I am being watched, and perhaps one day you will be watched as well.  If you strive to become as interesting as kabuki - perhaps the heavens will smile on you.  I shall include you in my nitely prayers "Dear God - please make the talentless plebs who toil endlessly just a bit more like me - kabuki the wondrous.  Oh, and kabuki is still waiting for the porsche, know you're busy.  just sayin.  amen"  See, kabuki is still a giver, still cares about the little people - you know - YOU.  Can't you just feel the love.?

Anyhow kabuki has been touring the world with a 10,000 gallon replica of my local hot spa.  Performing several times a week, its all 24/7 for kabuki.  Thats 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.  I am retired after all.  kabuki still gotta shop and stuff.  I would delgeate, but who has my shopping prowess?  How many times have I heard myself say "What is that?  I want one."  Because the heart wants what the heart wants, I heard that on television (The O'Reilly Factor? maybe)  So as I was saying before I interrupted myself, kabuki is touring avec hot tub, performing spontaneous water ballets for the populace at large.  Spontaneous? Stop it! How refreshing!  Yes, rather than perform a perfect water dance twice kabuki creates a new water dance each performance.  Naturally there are those groupies who follow my tour bus from nation to nation.  But lets face it, kabuki has always had the groupies.  When beauty combines with talent often a large crowd is drawn, almost blindly, to follow the phenom.  And kabuki is known to mix it up occasionally.  Performing in Moscow (for all those communists) kabuki switched music.  kabuki performed a syncopated sensational to 'Maxwell's silver hammer' by the Beatles.  Clad in a chrome one piece -  the Moscowvites were stunned into silence.  And we all know how chatty communists are.  Dedicated to "Occupy Wall Street", kabuki will be performing the last show of the tour in Monaco.  I will be performing 'Castles Burning' by Neil Young.  I will be performing nude, and kabuki is sure you would approve.  "Its only castles burning, find someone who's turning, and you will come around."

Dancing my way back to you

It is a cold rainy night in Paris.  It rains whenever I visit, like Paris is teary-eyed over my inevitable departure.  Pity.  I am in the back of a filthy cab, hurtling towards who knows where?  I am clutching a half-eaten flan in my left hand, a silver spoon in my right.  I detest flan, like a gussied-up pudding pop.  Ever eco-friendly I open the window and fling it out.  (it is organic)  The silver spoon I pocket. although I wasn't born with it.  Maybe I'll have a yogurt later.  Not a greek yogurt, the spoon makes my butt hurt. (completely stolen humor)  I look down, oh my god!  A mixture of Prada and Armani.  Who dressed me, Anderson Cooper?  That tears it, I am having him declared 'enemy of the state'.   Who is giggling now?  Really, becauseI can hear giggling.  It is so disenheartening when ones innver voices titter away at some inside joke.  Only part of the reason I loathe them so.  As opposed to you, my loyal (and pretty) readers. Whom I just adore.  Stop over, I'll give you candy.  now back to our adventure.

"Take me to the Grand" I shriek at the driver.  It helps to shriek when in Paris.  They expect it, really,  Kabuki knows their is a 'Grand' in Paris, and kabuki knows this is where he belongs.  Kabuki just hopes it is not a Chicken and Waffles place, because kabuki is not  in the mood for food.  Kabuki is in the mood for love.  It may or may not be caused by my humpy neighbor, why must we question love?  Just wrap yourself in loves' embrace.  Fox also is a good wrap.  just sayin.  The cab comes to a stop in front of a red carpet, the rain has stopped, if a rainbow was out kabuki would call Disney and tell them to knock it off.  But no, so kabuki presses on.  What happens next is simply not to be believed.  And kabuki will tell you all about it, just as soon as I make it up. (merde) hang-on my lovelies



Tidbits from an untidy mind

My dearest bloggettes kabuki has no reason for not chatting you up, I have simply been a lazy swine.  I feel partially ashamed, and partially wicked for such behaviour.  What are we going to do with kabuki?  Who can say?  So let us not mention it again.  Good.  News items of interest.
Season 3 of THE LXD will start on August 11th on the web, you can find it on HULU.  I am simply bonkers about it.
Comedian Ian Bagg is a funny man, and kabuki wants to boost his twitter followers.  He is from Canada, and is quite tall.  Isn't that hysterical?  Say no more.
Many people ask kabuki 'how are you holding up under the desert heat?'  kabuki replies 'I have the good sense to stay inside next to the air conditioner whenever the temperature exceeds 105 or so.  It was not difficult to make this decision.'  Kabuki ventures out at night,  Supposedly it is cool quite early in the morning, kabuki cannot say. 
Kabuki has thrown out the old back.  Not quite sure how or why.  Occasionally I will uncross my legs and scream.  Loudly.  Kabuki will have to find a different WalMart to frequent.  My neighbors may not be getting a full night's sleep, but if a few screams upset them they should have never let me into this cute little village.  Can you call a gathering of mobile homes a village?  Kabuki can.
Apparently my request for a free sports car has been denied.  I can only think that people were so overcome with compassion that they were unable to respond, and assumed others stepped up and did the right thing.  NO.  And the local paper is just chock-a-block full of tasty, sporty toys.  Later, when it is too late, you will regret such a callous and short-sighted decision.  Kabuki is not saying bad karma will follow - but let us look at the US economy since kabuki left the Nation's Capital.  No sooner than kabuki vacates the halls of power when it all goes into the crapper.  Kabuki humbly apologises to your 401K plan.  My bad.  Of course it could all be a coincidence.  Keep right on believing that.  It is amazing what people can be led to believe. 
Kabuki wanted a cute nickname, like Eddie Fingers or Mr. Eleven.  But then kabuki remembered that Kabuki Zero was not such a bad monniker afterall.  Not like kabuki is gonna answer the wrong page at the country club.  'Kabuki Zero - white courtesy phone please'.  And even if I did, what hilarity would ensue.  Like a funny Benny Hill short.  When he was alive.  Nothing funny about Mr Hill currently, seeing as how he is dead.  Did he send kabuki a sports car? NO,  Is he alive?  NO.  Another coincidence?  To be sure.
Kabuki shall be going to visit Felix of Felix goes to Hollywood fame quite soon.  Kabuki hopes to take his hollywood tour.  It has been getting rave reviews after all.  Kabuki must remember to smile when signing autographs, for this is how dreams are born.  Imagine the joy a little girl or boy would feel having their very own kabuki zero autograph.  And the story, repeated ad nausuem to all their little friends 'Yes, a real star.  Beautiful, and so very nice.  Kabuki was so generous with his time, it was almost like he didn't have to dash off and get into his sports car.'  This is what makes America great.  The dreams of little boys and girls.  Many european children don't have any dreams at all.  They were stolen by the Nazis.  This is widely known.  If Hiltler was alive today kabuki would seek him out, and stomp him to death.  Of course he would be quite old, so it wouldn't be all that difficult.  But even if it was, kabuki would simply rise to the occasion.  Hitler never had a sports car.  Just saying.
My kitchen remod is coming along nicely.  I may have it completed by the end of the year.  Kabuki had to slow down (financially speaking), and this has allowed kabuki to contemplate different layouts and such.  Who knew?  Kabuki has always been a leap-first kinda guy.  Has old-age wizened up our beloved kabuki?  Not so much, it was more of a fluke.  I still remain the kabuki of legend.  And if you should be in the neighborhood, feel free to stop by.  Kabuki will pour you a glass of iced tea, give you a cookie, and then we can talk trash about the neighbors.  After all, they live in a bunch of trailers!  HAHAHAHA

An open letter to america's leaders

If America needs cash, STOP the ridiculous middle east wars, the war machine has enough money to last several lifetimes. 
If America needs cash, STOP the ridiculous oil company subsidies, the oil companies have enough money to last several lifetimes.
If America needs cash, STOP tax breaks for the top 2% of Americans, they have enough money to last several lifetimes.

If the middle east wants democracy they can do it themselves, like America did.
If the war machine wants money they can sell instruments of peace, like other companies do.
If rich Americans need more cash they can invest in America, like other Americans do.

IF I HEAR THE PHRASE 'JOB CREATOR' ONE MORE TIME I SHALL EXPLODE.   If there were any truth to this monniker they would be creating jobs now.  They are not, they have not, and they will not.

Recently the oil companies made more money than any company in any business in any country in the history of the world.  Subsidies? Are you fucking kidding me.  I already boycott EXXON and BP, I will cook over a wood fire in the yard.  If you want to jack up prices again, $5.00 gasoline guarantees people will reduce their consumption dramatically.  Once people learn that conservation is not that painful you will be delivering gas to their house for free.   So bring it.

President Obama was clearly elected by the people of America who expected, and deserved, a more reasonable system of governing.  Regardless of your beliefs or promises Mr President you appear to be the whipping boy of big business.  Does the Republican party have your balls in a drawer in some back office?  I am so very very disappointed.  You are a one term disaster.

I promise the backlash of a grass-roots campaign of pissed off middle-class and poor americans will make the 1960's vietnam protest look like a high school bake sale.  Boehner is clearly in the clutches of big business.  I wouldn't be surprised if he actually lives in Dick Cheneys' garage.  They both should fall on their swords.  What a total lack of humanity, common sense, humility and compassion.  I am embarassed by the fact they are not rotting in a prison. 

Can we please not destroy this great country during my lifetime.  Thanks.

The kabuki fleet rises from the ashes, phoenix like, to fly again

Beverly Hills, my old flame

Feast your eyes on my delightful 1975 450sl with 50,000 original miles.  A real head turner, she was the first casualty in my quick slide down the financial ladder.  I never drove her without receiving a compliment.  She is happily bopping around historic Winchester Virgina, I hope she is happy.  Behind Beverly you can just see the nose of Otto Bonn, my 1984  bmw 533i.  Bought at a Police auction for $500 dollars, I was mad for this car.  One of four thousand 533i's made, only available in the USA, this car was the fastest four door sedan in the world in 1984.  It is recognized for leading the sports-sedan craze.  Four disc brakes, 5 speed, 225 horsepower, wearing Michelin TRX radials specifically designed for it, what a delightful sleeper.  Kabuki was just mad for this car.  Not as luxurious as my Jaguar or as pretty as my Mercedes, Otto was just a delight to drive.  One day as I cruised the beltway fast lane, ac on, kabuki blew a head gasket.  I limped otto into a shopping center and called a tow truck.  When the tow truck lifted the front end, pretty green anti-freeze ran out the chrome exhaust tips.  "That probably is not good" kabuki thought.  When I got my bmw home my brother said "Head gasket, piece of cake" and proceeded to spend a weekend or so replacing it.  kabuki knows when his automotive skill level is exceeded, and does not try these type of activities.  When rebuilding the engine my brother accidentally put the distributor in backwards. Had kabuki been driving a   Chevrolet Monte Carlo (shudder), their would be no story to tell.  Unfortunately in the german automotive world such miscues are rarely forgiven.  Things that should be moving up were moving down, and vice versa.  Many many expensive german metal doo-dads met in the middle of the engine block with calamitous results.  Unable to start dear Otto, and unaware of the meeting of the metals , kabuki had the bmw towed to a small, expensive, exclusive bmw repair faclity.  They said 'Really, this is not the type of car to dump money into, get a little 3 series'.  Kabuki replied 'Is it your money we will be spending here?  No, then do as your are told'.  It is important to delineate the worker bees from the queen, or no honey will ever get produced.  Every couple of months kabuki stopped in and gave these worker bees a couple grand, and they continued on their merry way.  Otto was in the shop for over a year.  Kabuki spent over $8000 dollars to have any and every little thing replaced, refreshed, renewed - you get the picture.  This car will never be worth $4000 ever, but kabuki was in love.  Finally, 80% completed, kabuki took possesion of the germanic beauty.  New brake system, hoses, belts, complete top end refresh, trany and clutch service, windshield, bumpers, no stone was left unturned.  All otto really needed was a muffler and paint.  AND THEN I GOT ILL.  My beloved bmw sat in front of the house.  When I retired and relocated to Winchester the bmw came with.  I drove the Jag, drove the mercedes, bought the muffler for the bmw and placed it in the back seat.Sold the mercedes, then sold the jaguar, drove cars lent to me be relatives, still the bmw sat.  Got some money, bought a Porsche, still the bmw sat.  Moved next door (to my sisters) pushed the bmw next door.  Received my late mothers' purple saturn station wagon, which kabuki drives today.  When kaubuki drove cross-country the station wagon was in tow.  My brother rescued the bmw after kabuki begged him to not allow such a lovely thing to be sold for scrap metal.  Kabuki is sure that is what his sister would have done.  Anyway, as of last month it was running, as of this week it went for a tour around my brother's neighborhood.  I have told him how exciting that is to kabuki, and have given him full ownership to do whatever he sees fit.  Because when you rescue a lovely thing you should receive a lovely reward.  Don't you love a happy ending?  Kabuki doesn't know what lies ahead for the beloved bmw, but the prospect of a bright future is now a distinct possibility.  Happy ending, fade to black.

 

Kabuki asks the hard questions

I shall visit the medical offices of my new Doctor tomorrow.  I am expecting the worst.  It is almost certain that kabuki has only 30 or so years left on this mortal coil.  And they are not all going to be party-down hell-bent-for-leather years either.  kabuki is sure some of the latter years will require adult supervision and sedatives.  So what kabuki is saying, (the elephant in the room per se) is DON'T I GET TO DRIVE ANY MORE SPORTS CARS BEFORE I SUCCUMB?  Really people, if it were easy everyone would be driving one.  kabuki looks fantastic in a sports car. This is fact, not just my opinion.  It is even noted in Wikipedia (if i have time).  So what if Barbara Bachman, presidential candidate and nut-case runs a clinic offering 'gay-conversion'.  So what if Obama is determined to sell my disability checks to John Boehner for a promise of 'hot coffee for old people one day soon'.  Nuclear meltdown in Japan, instability in the mid-east. heatwaves, fires, flood, whateva!  How is kabuki supposed to relate to other peoples' problems (and that is what they are), unless kabuki is able to view life's difficulties thru the windscreen of something sporty, fast and hot hot hot.  Wouldn't you feel better knowing kabuki was once again resting his buttocks on a leather bucket seat.  People, I live in a freaking resort town filled with old rich people.  A simple drive to the store goes like this - mercedes, lexus, maserati, mercedes, mercedes, jaguar, porsche.  It is painful to be sure.  Don't you want kabuki to eat?  Must kabuki turn right (towards poor people) and shop for groceries where a purple station wagon seems almost elitist?  What if kabuki is recognized?  Don't scoff, kabuki is recognized and accepted more than the Discover card.  Would you not be happier to know kabuki is turning left (towards palm springs), with the top down and the cd player cranked.  You are probably not even aware of this, but kabuki has to use a GPS device that plugs into the cigarette lighter.  It is not even standard equipment.  The hot tears of shame that roll down kabuki's face do nothing helpful for whiteface makeup either.  Poor kabuki, standing in line at Trader Joe's with white makeup tears on  his kimono, it is a tragedy of epic proportions.  I don't blame anyone, kabuki is not a blame layer.  kabuki is here to promote harmony and world peace.  kabuki feels the fast track to a happier world starts with one person at a time.  ME, it is my idea afterall.  So if you have a spare sports car contact me here.  If you do not, you may purchase one for kabuki, or just click on the donate button and hand over the cash.  kabuki will purchase the sports car for you.  Thanking you in advance for your anticipated cooperation - kabuki (you know i love you) zero

I can't believe it!

What you see is my faithful companion Elmo.  He is not sitting on the couch.  Any dog can sit on a couch.  Elmo is sitting on a velvet pillow that is on the couch.  He is also reclining against a faux-mink throw.  There is no reason for this type of behaviour.  kabuki actually has no idea where he gets these affectations.  kabuki is secretly appalled, for everyone knows kabuki is a simple soul.  A cheap poly-cotton blend shirt dress and a glass of tepid tap water is all that is required to maintain kabuki's inner happiness.  Yet all of kabuki's animal friends seem to think they are animal royalty.  People must sneak into my humble abode when kabuki is not present and fill these animals heads with nonsense.  kabuki knows for a FACT: if kabuki were to nail a fur coat or cashmere sweater to the ceiling this dog would defy gravity and take a nap on it.  Why must kabuki be punished in this way?  It goes against the laws of man to have animals pretend they are in the walled city in china, some emperor's spoiled pet.  AND just because kabuki stayed in bed until 3pm someone pooped on the floor in the living room.  All kabuki wants is for everyone to just get along.  That and a good floor cleaner, because Murphy's Oil Soap left the cherry wood laminate floor a little lackluster, so kabuki had to rinse mop the floor.  This took the fun right out of my 'nap till 3pm' event.  Perhaps kabuki is just not supposed to have any fun.  Oh well.  pity party for one.  Next time:  how can a bird throw bird seed 20 feet from its cage, and then complain it is out of food.  Animal madness in the desert!