while the cat is away

Our beloved Infomaniac stylestress is not even over the horizon and the catastrophe rears its evil head up on kabuk'is twitter.  The Polka Dot Queen has resurfaced, as kabuki foresaw (and forewarned, bitches).  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is it always up to kabuki to carry the banner into the fray?  Is it because of kabuki's great legs?  Ruby Keeleresque - some might say.  Kabuki humbly acknowledges the fact that kabuki is equipped with a fine pair of walking sticks.  (don't hate the player)  So now kabuki has to march down to New Yorks' 5th Avenue, break the glass on the storefront where this nightmare is polkadots has been spied, and do battle with the Polka Dot Queen.  Kabuki would regret that he has only only life to give, but let us be serious, kabuki will wipe the floor with this fashion freak.  My battle kimono is pressed, the car is gassed, the citizens have been evacuated (3 block radius, in case kabuki starts to swing a purse).  So anyway, while kabuki is on 5th Ave, anybody need anything?  Chanel?  Louis Vuitton?  Kabuki would say Prada but last time kabuki wore any prada he broke out in a rash.  Probably made in bangladesh, those prada people are pretenders to the throne.  Who knows, might cross the pond, catch some olympics and have Vivienne Westwood run kabuki up a smart new kimono.  because the one kabuki wears to New York is gonna have polka dots all over it.  bon chance!

Ruby, don't take your love to town

Quite recently kabuki was in Malaga with Adele and Brendan Fraser.  Say what you will, but kabuki has shared figs with less attractive men than Brendan.  Anyway - Brendan was trying to give me ideas for my upcoming kitchen rehab, and kabuki was pretending to be interested in his opinion.  Has anyone ever really been interested in anyone else's kitchen hints?  Certainly not kabuki, who knows his way around a lemon zester.  And we shall speak of it no further.  All this talk of kitchens reminded Adele of  this delightful pear and dark chocolate croissanrt she had for breakfast - well the whole affair was really just a crashing bore.  'Excuse moi' kabuki said, and while pretending to visit the loo kabuki slipped out the back door of that sad little cafe in Malaga.  Hopping the next steamer for the cape (note: steamship captains adore kabuki, and always have.)  Kabuki was sure Adele and Brendan would forgive kabuki, because kabuki can pout like the prettiest ballerina princess that ever was.  Plus, kabuki is not above a little white lie (to spare their feelings).  Better 'kabuki banged his head in the watercloset, and the resulting amnesia tooks weeks to subside' than 'kabuki wanted to gut you both like last nights trout, and feed your entrails to the undead'.  Because, as if you knew, the undead are particularly useful if you are trying to  get rid of some entrails.  Ignore this if you are in france (hope not) because the french will serve it up with truffle sauce and a pretentious red wine.  salut  kabuki knows to tread carefully the waters of the Seine, because of the many francophiles the visit mine own blog.  A world wide phenom to be sure, kabuki was even recognized in Anartica not so long ago.  kabuki knew the fur-lined kimono was a wise investment.  Those cold artic blasts are well past invigorating when one is out of doors.  A word to the wise - save those 'going commando' days for Brasil.  So where were we?  Kabuki has no idea - that amnesia really was something.  To recap - Adele, waterloo, brendan francophile, lemon tarts and of course Kabuki Zero.  Next time - have you seen my sketch pad?

Is it time to dance yet?

It is 106 degrees outside.  Kabuki is wearing kneehigh socks, sweatpants, a tshirt, a long sleeved tshirt, and workgloves.  Kabuki is crawling under his doublewide mansion, flashlight in one hand - new electrical wiring in the other.  Crawling commando style, in the hot dusty nether regions of his home.  Kabuki dares a spider, scorpion or other insectoid to try and bite kabuki.  The insect will explode, because kabuki is in no mood.  While renovating the golden cave of mexican delights (aka master bedroom) kabuki has run into electrical issues. Next time kabuki lets someone talk him into using the local retirees to save a few dollars - you have permission to bitch slap kabuki.  Notice the lovely shade of rivermist blue kabuki  has selected for the master bedroom.  A lovely cobalt blue has been selected for an accent wall.  Kabuki thinks an accent wall will add that continental flavor kabuki desires.  Plus it was on the clearance shelf for $7.00.  Trust kabuki when he tells you the rivermist blue was not $7.00, and multiple gallons were required for the new sheetrock.  Watch kabuki toss words like electrical wiring, sheetrock and workgloves about.  It gives one chills.  This is no way for the prettiest ballerina in the world to spend an afternoon.  Kabuki would so much rather be sipping frozen magaritas and discussing where to get a nice manicure in Palm Springs.  Alas and alack.
While experiencing my very own electrical issues there were several power outages citywide in lovely Palm Springs.  Kabuki was asked by the property manager if kabuki was responsible for same.  Kabuki replied that when he knocks the power out it will stay out, and manical laughter will echo in the valley.  Did kabuki mention that kabuki lives in a valley?  If only kabuki could get his hands on a suede pantsuit kimono  - Barbara Stanwyck would spin in her grave.  Now that is entertainment folks.  Speaking of graves (excellent transition) the power dificulties managed to bring kabuki's desktop pc to its very own endtimes.  Kabuki imagines it is in pc heaven with MJ and Thombeau's pc's.  Does anyone else smell conspiracy?  Why is it always the talented who suffer.  Kabuki bets Paris Hiltons' pc is fine.  Probably like new, since she has no idea what it is.  After kabuki recovers from the abrupt hardware failure he plans to toss his surge protector into the duck pond.  The pc may or may not still be attached.  Like the rebuilding of the great barrier reef in australia, kabuki gives back to the planet.  Even though kabuki has been wronged as of late, it is still all light and joy in kabuki's heart.  Kabuki remains a giver. 
Did kabuki mention electrical difficulties?  Is anyone taking notes? Refer back if you need to.  It would seem that when the circuit breakers are tripped in kabuki's house, the ground wire then becomes hot.  Since kabuki's house has some metal breaker boxes and is covered in aluminium siding this leads to some sparky-sparky issues.  Kabuki has been removing the offending metal boxes and throwing them in the trash.  There are approx. 20 outside outlets at kabuki's residence.  Kabuki likes to share, but not his electricity, so he has been correcting the over abundance of outlets.  Maybe they were on sale at Home Depot, kabuki cannot really say.  All kabuki can say is if the whole place burns to the ground prior to kabuki's fixing everything - kabuki is going to come and live with one of you. 

Ruining a perfectly good manicure

Someone who should know better left this collection of blue mayhem at my house.  For safe-keeping.  This is the world we live in people.  Madness is king, and you know kabuki has wrecked his nails making sure that no trim in this house is loose.  Loose trim is the first sign of madness, of this kabuki is sure.  The second sign is telling people what the first sign is, but what are you gonna do.  Given a large enough air hose kabuki could bring safety to all those in 'loose trim' danger.  Why this is not a subject for this years' presidential election is obvious.  They do not care about you.  Kabuki almost said us, but that is ridiculous.  Obama adores him some kabuki.  Yes, the prez is a fan.  Deal with it.  Mitt would be a fan if he possessed the intellect to recognize genius, but we are lucky if he can recognize (and identify) the major food groups.  His handlers have managed to keep it out of the press, but Mitt is known to gnaw on just about anything if he is feeling peckish.  So many pairs of his wifes' shoes were ruined that now she keeps them in the refrigerator.  (the fridge light scares Mitt)  Anyway, until kabuki runs out of nails, brads, staples and any other manner of air-compressed fasteners - kabuki will bid you farewell.  Next time - will kabuki run the paint sprayer?  Damn skippy he will, manicures are for the weak and timid.   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

In Xanadu did kabuki a pleasure dome erect

The cave of golden mysteries is well on its way to becoming the master bedroom of serene bliss.  if wild debauchery is desired - well there is always the front patio for that.  'caveat emptor' kabuki tells all prospective neighbors.  yes dear readers, kabuki occasionally speaks to the common man, frequently to remind them to stay the fuck off kabuki's lawn.  Is it still a lawn if it consists of rocks and sand?  methinks as much.  In the year the mansion was vacant several unscrupulous neighbors used the front yard as a shortcut to the dumpster.  It is now the shortcut to a tongue lashing by yours truly.  A rather unattractive man, with his wife and child was peering around the side of kabuki's house.  They - the three mouseketeers - were in for a rude awakening when kabuki stepped onto the front porch and loudly inquired 'May I help you with something?'  They fled like the illegal aliens they probably were (norwegian - kabuki is almost sure of it)

A master carpenter has been assisting kabuki with the renovation work in the master bedroom.  Kabuki was in for a small surprise when kabuki discovered that the window, which had been sheet-rocked over, was not nailed to the house.  'Just set it in place' the crazy ex-owner must have said, 'I am sure it will be fine'.  Which kabuki finds out of character because everything else in this place is screwed, nailed, and glued.  As if kabuki sat on exactly the fault line .  Which kabuki does not.  The fault line is two or three feet to the right of kabuki's house, to be sure.

Kabuki's neighbor lady has kindly offered kabuki 10 gallons of exterior house paint.  The shade is called dark peach.  She said kabuki could use it as interior primer, but kabuki thinks it would be better used to paint all of the palm trees in the neighbors yards.  Because kabuki has a plan to get all liquored up and walk through every front yard in the community.  As a sort of payback.  When people complain kabuki shall bow, exit gracefully, and return in the still of the night to paint their trees dark peach.  Kabuki has found no law against such behaviour.  Kabuki may just be on the cutting edge of horticultural painting.  And we all know what they say about whores and culture.

Universal Dischord

kabuki is so very over the universe at this moment in time - if the universe had any sense it would go and hide at walmart (kabuki never goes into the walmart clothing section.  ever)  But it does not possess any sense, and kabuki has documents to prove it.  My move was a horrendous nightmare of biblical proportions.  One person helped, my SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend).  He helped about 20% of the move, and was suspiciously absent for the rest.  Several of the local residents offered their services - but they were all over 60 and female.  kabuki had pillow detail, so they were not able to assist.  A fine example of my horwor - my terwor 'this is heavy' my sssbf intoned, as he picked up one end of the sofa.  'i thought the same when i carried it all by myself' said kabuki, who had the other end.  'muscle pussy' kabuki screamed silently, and not in a good way.  Another local friend, stricken with food poisoning, said 'let me take you out to lunch'.  'only if i pick the place' kabuki stated, for this ladies food service selection process was tainted.  (get it?)  While dining on cheeseburgers and onion rings kabuki broke a molar in half.  So there's that.  Unseasonably warm, yes add that to the mix.  'Can you show your place monday, tuesday, and thursday?' the property manager asked. 'NO' kabuki said 'because I am moving and stuff'.  sheesh.  After safely moving the birds kabuki let them out to explore the new digs.  The green ring neck parrot immediately starts eating the moulding.  The 40 year old mobile home moulding.  ick.  'Stop that!' kabuki says, shutting the bird back into its cage.  kabuki turns around to see the white cockatoo eating the moulding off the other wall.  'FAT JESUS' kabuki screams, and kabuki had had it up to there!  kabuki then got the attention of the universe. 'I HAVE HAD IT, AND I AM NOT HAVING IT'  kabuki tossed into the atmosphere. 'Problem, prettiest ballerina?'  the iniverse inquired.  'what is wrong with you, got a case of the evils or something? kabuki politely asked. 'I have NO idea to what you are referring' the universe said.  'Do not start with me universe, kabuki is in no mood to play.  Have you been paying attention to the clown party that is my move?' kabuki pressed, for you have to spell it out for the universe sometimes.  kabuki suspects the universe is a might slow,  but would never tell the universe, because that would be mean-spirited.  'You know the universe watches you very closely' the universe replies, 'for you are so very interesting - my dearest kabuki.'  'Well then, what is up with the SUPER-SECRET-STRAIGHT-BOYFRIEND not being available to help? kabuki asked.  'That is the SSSBF way.  You should recognize.  This is not your first SSSBF letdown.  What else?'  the universe says defensively.  '106 degrees, really?  Birds eating the walls.   really?  All by myself.  Really?  Broken tooth.  Really?  stop fucking with me, or kabuki will go medieval on your ass'.  kabuki stated, and not so sweetly either.  'Oh alright, let the universe make it up to you' the universe says.  'What did you have in mind, for kabuki is already the prettiest ballerina in the world ya'know' kabuki says proudly, and quite correctly.  For it is an honor to be the prettiest ballerina in the world, as many of you no doubt suspect.  'I have wanted to do this for years' the universe is really beaming now 'kabuki - you are now PRINCESS OF THE UNIVERSE!' the universe is positively shouting 'And no one deserves it more than you".  'True enough' kabuki states, 'and kabuki would like to thank the academy, etc'.
Thank goodness kabuki has several prepared speeches, for you never know when an award will pop up.  If you are kabuki.  Which I am.  Thank you one and all for supporting the kabuki during this summer madness.  And everyone is invited over for cake.  As long as you are coming over, bring some cake.  Because sharing is nice.  And if it is cluster-fuck time at your home - be sure and let the universe know it is time to straighten up and fly right.  Because it can't hurt to ask.

The INTERNET is alive (again)

stay tuned to this kabuki channel for exciting kabuki updates.  probably make up some stuff too. 
you cannot stop the kabuki.  like a train, kabuki will steamroll righ over your ass.  now somebody send me a housewarming gift of immeasurable beauty, like a picture of kabuki. HA!