A testament to kabuki

kabuki reached out to an old friend today.  Because above all else, kabuki is a giver.  This is so widely known that only dead Nazis remain ignorant of the fact. And who cares about a few thousand dead nazis.  Not kabuki for damn sure.  As you can see by the attached photo, kabuki is rallying the turtle horde to do kabuki's bidding.  Here you can clearly see the daily worship of kabuki in progress.  kabuki actually had to have someone else snap the photo, because my litle denizens will not let kabuki out of their sight.  And who can really blame them.  Among many things you already know about kabuki, you know kabuki is easy on the eyes.  That is the only easy part of kabuki.  Neither cheap or tawdry, as befits a goddess with a turtle horde army.  Just a quick aside : kabuki's beloved yamaha receiver is getting a bit wonky.  kabuki loves it dearly, it has great sound, lots of power, and the remote will give a headache to all but true afficianados.  If someone were to purchase a gift for kabuki - (not everyone is allowed to do so) it had damn well better be 1. porsche 2 yamaha receiver 3 diamonds.  kabuki is disgusted to remind one and all that the kabuki diamond jubilee is gonna be held with kabuki wearing moissanite. (kill me)  The shiny shinys have all gone (sob).  Who really cares, certainly not kabuki. (kabuki is blue)  There is currently a plan to overrun Tiffany's with commando trained killer turtles.  They are on their way.  Unfortunately aquatic turtles are not so speedy, and they have repeatedly wrecked the little hovercraft kabuki built for them, so they are hoofing it.  Any day now their cross country trek will be complete.  kabuki could have sent them local - but west coast diamonds?  what does kabuki look like - a hoochie coochie girl?  kabuki would use them in the garden - which no one has bothered to tend. (except kabuki)  You have been warned.  The turtle horde lives for kabuki.  And amaretto sours.  And french fries.  You try and teach a killer horde about the food groups, go ahead.  Your bones will litter the bottom of the duck pond.  Next time - dangerous ducks.

Odds & Ends

Firsties - in the words of the late great Whitney Houston "BOBBY, kiss my ass!".  Where was kabuki?  The famed and often ill-advised kabuki was stricken with a malaise of no small stature.  A malodorous, malingering malaise.  When the goddess kabuki is depressed the creative spirit literally leaps from kabuki's delicate frame, but this malaise was more of a 'let us reflect on - oh crap, lets go play bingo!'  Kabuki is not proud, but the holding pattern lasting the last quarter of 2012 has been banished.  NFTL - as kabuki would say. (not feeling the love)  Also not feeling any love is SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend) who was shown the door weeks ago.  Arm candy is not enjoyable if you don't get to eat any of it.  (kabuki does love the sweets)

Kabuki Laboratories has been hard at work, you will undoubtably be ecstatic to learn.  We are all aware of physical micro-expressions - the little tells that give away your subconcious (or unconcious for a few of you POW!).  Well here at Kabuki Laboratories we are working on cutting edge science with verbal micr-expressions - the little words that slip out after you think you have finished speaking.  An example - Store Employee says "May I help you?" followed by a millisecond long "You hideous seacow".  You reply "Just Browsing" with a verbal micro-expression "Look, a whore with a day job".  People, you do not need kabuki to tell you this is going to be BIG BIG BIG.  Why do you think Oprah went off the air?  Kabuki cannot say another word.  Patents and such.  Kabuki knows you understand, and when the royalty checks start rolling in you are sooo invited over shrimp cocktails and such.  Such such such.  Such is going to be a buzz-word in 2013, kabuki has a vibe for trends.  Perhaps it is time for another IN & OUT guide for the unobservant.  Later, let us get thru odds & ends.

The parts of the animal kingdom residing at kabuki's doublewide castle remains fixed.  3 parrots (one moody, one crabby, one crazy).  The poodle continues to be the happiest animal ever created, and trust kabuki when he tells you it is NOT contagious.  Kabuki would render the dog senseless, but the cockatoo has claimed that task.  She would take that dog down in a flash, except she adores the attention.  Is this ringing any bells for anyone?  Kabuki has no bone to pick with attention whores,  needy little soul-sucking weasels that they are. 

A friend from high school stopped by the other day.  He was returning from the Channel Islands - where he and his spouse had welcomed in the new year.  (probably some druid type affair)  Anyways kabuki was lunched, and fun was the side dish.  Afterwards we wandered Palm Springs until we came upon the 26foot tall Marilyn Monroe statue, called Forever Marilyn.  Tourists were thick about the place.  Why would you take your children with you on vacation?  Seems pointless to kabuki.  Were kabuki to be invited anywhere nice you can bet your bottom dollar the pets are not coming along.  How do you get away from it all if it is 3 paces behind you? 

What an informative and educational blog entry this is turning out to be.  Or not to be - is that a question?  Is there money to be made with an Angry Birds "Romeo & Juliet"?  Can brownies be a breakfast of champions?  Will Matt Damon visit kabuki soon?  Does Canada have snow on purpose?  Oh the stories Kabuki could tell.  And will, because kabuki is back, and dammit - it just feesl right.

No Man is an Ithmus

Whilst floating in my very own pool, reclining upon my very own pool float - demonic forces arrived.  (No not mexican children - they be scared of kabuki)  Rather, the built in radio went on the fritz - everytime a wave of water washed over the armrest, the radio changed to a christian station. This particular christian station featured a Jimmy Swaggart sermon.  He promised kabuki fire & brimstone if kabuki did not purchase his Study Bible.  Apparently ole JimJim has highlighted the Bible IN DIFFERENT COLORS!!!!!  Ba-zing. Just the thing for beating the word of God into Christian and non-Christian alike.  (kabuki refuses to name these non-christians because they take offense at everything.  They remind kabuki of thirteen year old girls - hatin on everybody). So instead of a gentle floating motion kabuki's pool float is surrounded by a frothing sea of maddness.  Kabuki can be seen pounding on the arm of the pool float screaming 'out out out you nasty pervert'.  Did kabuki mention the children are scared of kabuki?  Halloween is gonna be a blast.  Kabuki might not even  hand out candy, just jump out and take a piece from the little whippersnapper's candy bag.  Life is harsh, the children might as well learn it from a master.  Kabuki often sees the jealousy in the parents eyes when kabuki reminds them he is indeed childless.  Yes kabuki has animal friends, but you can sell them on Craigslist for Bingo money.  IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL!! 

In other exciting news, kabuki was returning from a walk around Desperate Palms with Liberty (the adopted poodle).  Kabuki has nicknamed him 'Limberger', because puppy breath is a very bad thing.  SO ANYWAY, kabuki noticed someone has moved kabuki's little red wagon.  (no it don't need fixing)  What miscreant has trespassed and violated my beloved wagon?  OMG  My beloved Super Secret Straight Boyfriend has delivered to my very door, IN THE DESERT, a three foot clam shell.  Minutes later SSSBF saunters in. the cock of the walk.  "What?  Why? How? Why? And of course Why?"  kabuki gently asked the eye-candy.  "The guy with the landscaping business was gonna throw it out, so I asked him if I could have it for you.  Nice, huh?"  SSSBF replied.  Mark my words, kabuki is gonna give that stud-muffin a lil' sumthin-sumthin.  Are you feeling what kabuki is cooking?  kabuki thought as much.  Kabuki is returned, and the world is alright once again.

One banana Two banana Three banana Four

Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.  Kabuki will be poolside, singing The Banana Splits theme song until he feels ready to face mankind once again.  Hiatus becomes kabuki.  tata

Give me Liberty or give me desks!

Behold the newest resident at Castle Rock (kabuki's doulewide mansion).  He is a two year old french poodle named Liberty.  His daddy is fighting in Afganistan and then will be fighting in Gemany, so he asked his mommy to find Liberty a new home.  Liberty was raised with parrots, so he was a natural for kabuki's parrot-laden home. He is quite friendly, calm, housebroken, and a picky eater.  All welcome Liberty into the Infomaniac world of delight.
Once another delightful note, in less than 24 hours kabuki will be receiving his first Infomaniac visitor.  The lovely and talented Donna Lethal is weekending in Desert Hot Springs and offered to buy kabuki dinner. (score)  She said 'I understand if you do not wish to show your work in progress house'.  Kabuki answered 'Are you kidding?  Kabuki requires anyone nearby to come and see the as-is state of affairs.   Kabuki does not wish people to think he just moved into a turn-key double-wide mansion of extreme tastefulness, NO NO NO.   Kabuki wants all to know the super-human effort required to make the house a home.  That being said, if Donna thinks kabuki is going to mop the floors she is sadly mistaken.  Kabuki dusted, vacuumed, and took out the trash.  Kabuki is now watching cartoons, sipping iced tea and nibbling on a chilled peruvian minneola.  After all, what does one expect from kabuki.  Have you ever mopped a floor in a silk kimono and white face.  Kabuki thought not.

Kabuki has decided a nice 19th century romantic bronze would be yummy on the patio.  Anyone who has an extra bronze should contact kabuki via this fantastic blog.  As a child of goodness and light kabuki deserves a nice bronze.  Let us spend no more time on this.  Thanks in advance from kabuki.

ps.  kabuki did not want another desk, so that is why kabuki is a proud french poodle parent.

Desert Hot Springs - oh hell no

So here we are maties, preparing for Pirate Day (see mr peenees blog) when kabuki had to attend to a matter most despicable.  The 1996 purple saturn station wagon of love had just recently began to screech, especially with the ac running (which is always).  Kabuki is no stranger to auto maintenance - but it has been years since kabuki actually did any.  Kabuki prefers to pay people to do these type of nasty little tasks, because auto repair can be a severe pain in the ass.  However due to poorness (kabuki SUCKS at poorness), some matters must be attended in person.  ick ick ick.  Kabuki has just last week purchased 'belt dressing' and attempted to alleviate the shrill tone emnating from the previously mentioned engine compartment, but to no avail.  So kabuki dons a work kimono and heads to the local auto parts store.  It is located in nearby Desert Hot Springs, a veritable hot dry low-rent lock-the-car kinda place.  Kabuki never goes there, prefering the refreshing gayness of Palm Springs.  But kabuki does not need a hugo boss dress belt.  Kabuki needs a serpentine belt for a twin-cam 4 cylinder.  (did that turn you on?  man-speak)  Because kabuki is above all else a genius, he felt he could accomplish this arduous task single handedly.  Of course another manicure will die, but into each life some rain must fall.  As kabuki pulls into the turn lane to enter the parking lot of the auto parts store a loud snap can be heard.  Unfortunately it is not gunfire, it is the fan belt rendering itself useless.  Kabuki knows this because power steering is now a thing of the past, and the engine temperature needle goes straight to red.  In approximately 8 seconds.  (accursed desert heat)  Kabuki parks, enters and looks momentarily stunned.  The auto parts store is entirely staffed by smallish lesbians.  Not a cute boy in the vicinity.  Why does God punish the faithful?  Am not kabuki a child of light?  Damn damn damn.  Kabuki purchases the needed part, also picks up a cute little butterfly windscreen stick on.  Kabuki firmly believes automobiles require gifts to let them know they are loved.  Having owned 2 dozen cars you must trust kabuki in this.  As you should trust kabuki in all things.  But whatever - kabuki don't judge.  Returning to the car with my purchases kabuki notices the temperature is still HOT HOT HOT.  Car is obviously taking a hint from kabuki. (ba-zing! humor in the face of adversity is kabuki's bread and butter)  Speaking of foodstuffs, kabuki has adopted a little grey french poodle named Liberty.  Liberty's daddy is in Afganistan fighting.  From there he has decided to go fight in Germany, so Liberty needed a home.  Liberty was raised around parrots, and treats them with the indifference kabuki requires in a housepet.  Liberty requires dog food, so kabuki walks over to the grocery store IN DESERT HOT SPRINGS.  See, kabuki can mix with ordinary folk.  As long as they don't speak to kabuki.  Or touch kabuki.  Why is it the starving masses always want to lay hands on kabuki?  You just know they are not faith-healers, more likely trying to lift kabuki's coin purse.  Thankfull for the many folds of my work kimono (it's easy care denim polyester), kabuki's coin purse is safely stashed.  As is my disdain for the elderly black couple sexy-talking in the produce aisle.  Momma said she wants hamburger, daddy says he has some chorizo.  Kabuki is apalled.  Locating the dog food kabuki flees the grocery store before somebody takes a fancy to 'the pretty boy in the blue china-man dress'.  Risking death and dismemberment kabuki flees back across the parking lot with a bag of dry dog num-nums.  kabuki limps the station-wagon-of-love home.  After much online research kabuki has learned to change the serpentine belt on a  Saturn wagon you need to remove the right front wheel and inner fender skirts.  Because some moron at saturn put the engine in sideways.  Porsche, BMW, Jaguar, Mercedes Benz, Cadillac, Lincoln, Corvette, Mustang GT - yes kabuki has owned them all,  and they all had the engine facing forward.  People of Saturn listen up - stop trying to re-invent the wheel - for heavens' sake.  Oh wait - you went bust.  Puzzling.  So as soon as the stormy weather leaves the desert playground of kabuki - he will go and get physical.  One may wonder 'kabuki  - where is Super Secret Straight Boyfriend'?  Playing bingo with his momma, kabuki hopes he gets a paper cut BIG TIME.  Shoulda snagged a lesbian at the auto parts store, but you just cannot let them on the furniture.  sadness becomes kabuki.

the stale aftertaste of a life half lived

I found this lovely artwork whilst perusing the internet.  Kabuki peruses frequently when attempting to stave off a minor/major depression.  While not usually successfull, it can still be enlightening.  This particular piece speaks to kabuki, the more kabuki looks - the more kabuki sees.  This is sooo not true in other areas of kabuki's half-lived life.  The eight years lost inside my illness will haunt kabuki forever.  Was that the time kabuki was supposed to learn how to manage finances?  Did my beloved come & go while kabuki lay in a percocet twilight?  Having accomplished so very much, what else might have been?  It is a 'road not chosen' reflection, even thought that road was not available.  Is kabuki crying over milk that not was not spilt, because the cow did not exist?  Such existenstial wonderings may well whisper 'nut case'.  More likely it means kabuki is broke, lonely, bored, hungry and lost.  It also usually foretells of the coming full moon.  And unfortunately for so manyof you, curious readers, it also brings out kabuki's keen desire to leave a legacy.  A mark, a stain, a google, maybe even a scandalous wikipedia entry.  The combination of angst and flight propels kabuki to jump off the roof, but only if kabuki can land in a pond of pistachio pudding.  If kabuki does not replace his lost make-up and assorted photo props soon, kabuki would like several people to slap him.  Form a line, we will raffle off the tickets.  MeaNwhiLe - where is the sad clown we so love to admire - nay, adore even.  Oh, he is lurking in the shadows, singing sad songs and trying to discover the next frozen drink trend.  Sail on into the night dear kabuki, because if all else fails you have enough love trapped inside to sustain you throught lifes' solitary back alleys.  I think.