The path not chosen

Where what why who and more, stay tuned.  Mea Culpa - or not.  Heart attack. carotid endarectomy with another coming, several near death experiences - just a shitload of nonsense.  Moving on.

We all know about SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend) and the madness that was kabuki in love.  Leave me my dreams, for they tear so easily.  Like tissue. (Very few people are quoting La Dolce Gilda, it is kabuki's way).  But let us delve together dear children, how did this union that was not to be come to be?  You better hold onto something/anything.

One perfect evening in Palm Springs, long before kabuki lived in Castle Rock (those that know will remember my 1967 single-wide mid-century dollhouse) kabuki became bored, bored of such fabulous surroundings and proceeded to prepare for an evening dip in the communal hot spa.  One of the many reasons kabuki moved to this little valley was because of the in-ground, year-round mineral hot spa.  Kabuki still visits at least once a day, going on 6 years later.  It is simply heavenly.  Pop a Percocet, snag a flexeril, visit MaryJanes's house (drug slang.  this is getting good, right?)  Slip into a little designer swimwear and off to the bubbling pool kabuki goes.  Kabuki strolls the 300 paces to the pool, entering thru the bougainvillea arbor some foolish romantic had erected.  It serves as a portal to the spa of eternal wetness, kabuki just finds it a good place to lose an eye.  Have you seen the thorny spiky death wands sticking out every two inches on these vines?  GACK.  Imagine if a rosebush and a cactus had hate-sex. Desert life seems so mean spirited, but I digress.  As I enter the spa enclosure (we have to enclose everything in California, thanks a lot) I see a man in MY spa.  And not just any man, a man-child of extremely attractive proportions.  Like kabuki wrote out all the physical attributes that raise kabuki's blood pressure, and somebody went to the man-child store with ALOT of money.  Moving on.

When kabuki says man-child you must understand.  Must Must Must.  kabuki does refer to a man not with the intellect of a child, but a man with his inner child thriving.  Humming a little song, slapping the water to the groove, just seizing the joy of life and motor-boating it's titties.  As kabuki demurely slips into the hot wet goodness the man looks up, his eyes light up, he say 'Hello'.  There is genuine joy in his voice and it makes kabuki tingly.  kabuki goes to the farthest spot from the man.  Purposely looking everywhere else but you know where.   We exchange small talk, and whenever kabuki glances in the direction of the pool guy, we are closer together. 'Oh my God, is kabuki sidling up yo Mr. Hottness like the wet slut kabuki is, or is Mr. Handsome coming in to size up the situation?  (Be completely serious - isn't this exciting.  You know you heart has speeded up).   Turns out we both were.  kabuki was not intentionally moving forward. but we ended up close enough to touch.  Which we did not.  The first time we actually did touch kabuki actually felt a electric charge.  true story.  The man then exits the pool, slings a towel over his body and stroll into the now exquisite bougainvillea arbor.  Moonlight reflects off his perfectly wet, magnificently built frame. Turning his head he says 'See you soon.' At that exact moment in time the second great love of my life was born.  SSSBF.  kabuki had no say in the matter.  The connection seemed almost spiritual.  To this day, regardless of where we are on this path, we fit together like to old souls.  People who are with us comment on this. 

We became inseparable.  kabuki was not smitten, kabuki was gobsmacked.  Under all of the friendly back and forth seethed an almost unbearable lava hot current.  kabuki thinks 'does kabuki reveal himself and probably ruin a great comradery?  Or does kabuki fastlane past what has been most desired from childhood?'  kabuki was paralyzed with fear.  All of a sudden 3 visits a day become 3 visits a week.  Then approaching a visit every 3 weeks.  kabuki telephones and says 'don't know what is going on.  Guess we should have had sex.  I am done with you'. 

We did not speak for over a year.  Everywhere I turn, SSSBF is there.  Everywhere I go, SSBF is there.  kabuki gets a nod every time.  A wassup - if you will,  a 'Let's be friends?'.  kabuki has no idea really, so kabuki pays scant attention.  Life moves on.  In a civilized community you must be willing to co-exist.  We share friends.  We can now politely converse, although we seldom are together without others.  We have been in the hot spa together recently.  For years one did not enter if the other was there.  It remains a strained and distance based acquaintance.

kabuki's first great love and kabuki are ancient history.  kabuki was the path not chosen.  kabuki knows that we shall never meet again, but somehow kabuki remains convinced that we shall re-enact our passion play again, and again.  We are forever doomed until one or both of us learn something.  kabuki has no idea what that something is.  kabuki's second great love is an unknown and perhaps unknowable destiny.  We are entwined, there is a bond, a closeness kabuki has experienced with no other.  There is also great pain.  I leave you with the meanest thing ever said to kabuki.  One night. close to the end, SSBF looked at me and said 'I will always choose another before you'.  kabuki was the path not chosen,


  1. is vivian leigh playing kabuki in the screen adaptation?

  2. I laughed. I cried.

    I spent the last three years of my life pining for your return.

  3. You can't choose who you fall in love with--that's just nature. But you can choose to walk away & do something else that brings you joy or learn something new that makes you happy--that's you taking control of your life & living it to the fullest.

    Welcome back. Good health & best wishes to you.

  4. He knows not what he misses.

  5. Oh darling, how good to have you back, and what a gloriously sad entrance to make.