Tuesday

The Aubergine Jar


The three Japanese characters for kabuki separately refer to "dance, music, and craft or skill". Originally however, kabuki was written with different characters which meant "tilted" or out of "balance", the implication being something that might be considered exotic, racy or debauched.

Okay, todays education session is over, let  us get real up in here.  Kabuki is in pain today, apparently a pinched nerve in the kabuki neck.  when kabuki raises his right arm just the right way - an electric shock ensues.  (not the good kind either),  If kabuki turns his neck the right way - same electric shock.  Knowing this still does not prevent kabuki from turnig said appendages in that special 'shocky' way approximately 83,000 times an hour.  Yes kabuki is a bit fidgity, deal with it.  Kabuki has partaken of the swirling hot spa waters, a muscle relaxer and a pain killer to no avail.  Shocky shocky shocky.  It is most annoying, and threatens to undermine my ususal loving and carefree nature.  And while we speak of annoying, let us delve into the world of California painkillers.  Since kabuki's arrival he has taken the occasional painkiller for the occasional pain.  Because this is how it is supposed to be.  And if you take too many pain killers then you never poop again, and you also die (Elvis reference).  So kabuki is a good kabuki with his meds.  That being said, California has some difficulty in actually delivering pain killers.  Oh kabuki has the pills, but not a single one has worked since kabuki crossed the great divide.  When kabuki mentioned this to the California pharmacist it was implied the kabuki was a'pill head' and had built up a tolerance to said medication.  Even though kabuki has successfully managed this medication for 10 years.  kabuki thinks a more reasonable scenario is that pharmacist is selling the real meds to the black market and using the funds to get people to talk to his - because he is an enormous pompous ass.  Who knew a Costco pharmacist was the answer to all of mankinds' difficulties.  (douche bag)

So anyway, kabuki has investigated the medical marijuana available to the California citizens.  At least those that are medically indicated,  Let me take you there.  Always in a storefront of a strip mall, with no advertising or ground level windows, you get buzzed into the lobby.  It reeks of pot, and a female teenage idiot validates your identity papers.  Think bad hair coupled with poor wardrobe choices.  Her parents must be sooo proud.  You are eventually ushered upstairs, or backroom, where several teenage boys (all named Chad) are waiting to serve you.  At least one of the Chads has arrived at work via his skateboard.  There is a large jar on the counter for you to tip the Chads.  It is full of money and buds of pot.  Unhygenic at best.  kabuki explains to Chad - pain abatement, muscle relaxation NO MUNCHIES.  We always ends up at the expensive counter, so kabuki just starts there nowadays.  kabuki has always been a top-shelf kinda guy.  Kabuki purchases a little of this, a little of that, whines for a freebie (they always have something to give away)  And then kabuki peruses the edibles section.  Chocolate bar - kabuki says yes.  Peanut brittle - surprising good (and it made kabuki giggle for hours) .  Regardless of the amount of weed purchased, it goes into a litle glass jar.  how divine.  kabuki adores the little glass jars.  But now the trouble.  And those of you who know me - well you know kabuki can overlook most things.  BUT not the stupid names the Chads are calling the different varieties of WEED.  Let us investigate - white widow, pure kush, master kush, headband, blackwater og, fire og, out of this world, etc.  WHO IS LETTING THE CHADS NAME THE POTS? (sidenote: from now on all pot dealers will be called Chad.)  I realize that the employees of the medical marijuana dispensary are professional teenage weed dealers, but kabuki would prefer a more gentle, dare kabuki say - a more adult approach to medical marijuana management.  We could start with the pricing - $20 a gram seems harsh.  Then for the employees, at least one worker old enough to drive. Finally, a more attractive pot naming scheme - Chadswoths delight, Caramel bliss, Angel fart - whatever.  And finally. the reasonably priced non-idiotic named pot (all the Chads say 'medicine') could be placed into aubergine glass jars.  kabuki is pleased

Thursday

Ho Ho Ho and Mistletoe and pretty girls

As you can no doubt tell, kabuki continues the long traditional of exquisitely tastefull Christmas decorations.  The 8 foot inflatable snowman was an early holiday gift for which kabuki begged for shamelessly.  For when it comes to taste, kabuki has no shame.  I an sure this comes as no surprise to my many readers, most of whom said 'where the hell is that moron?' .  Due to a complete and total lack of inspiration kabuki coasted thru life for a couple of months.  Some would say kabuki merely stopped to smell the roses, but this is simply not true.  The first week that the temperature remained in triple digits all of kabukis' rose bushes exploded.  Many a plant did not survive the summer.  Kabuki remains determined to plant a serene desert scape.  I shall try again this spring.  I shall perhaps try some soil amendments.  Especially if these pets of mine don't straighten up and fly right.  (late nite garden burials, kabuki will try to film it)  Adds a certain gothic charm to the front garden, don't you feel?  "The cockatoo, why she is right under that cactus.  Look how happy that cactus looks".  The good karma kabuki hoped to cultivate by sheltering some of God's poor misfit creatures is nowhere to be seen some days.  Kabuki will walk into the tha calmness of the living room to find a cockatoo chasing the chihuahua while the ringneck parakeet makes short work of a perfectly nice palm tree.  The African Grey provides color commentary for the events by louding saying things that are most definitely made up.  'Everybody stay here.  I'm going downstairs, hey handsome, I want some water, Elmo go outside', and so on. One morning kabuki walked in only to be serendaded by Max "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there".  Kabuki was unaware Max was so intune with kabuki's insurance needs.  Touching nes pas?
I have made a couple friends here in my little resort town.  kabuki plays bingo at the local casino with a neighbor and his Mom.   I have fixed a couple computers, done a little computer training, kabuki does stay a little busy.  I do spend time in the hot spa almost every day, I terrorize the deserving on twitter, and continue to rehab my little castle.  This fall saw a replacement wall unit ac, a new swamp cooler, a new water heater, and a new furnace.  I have replaced the flamed stitched couch in the living room, mostly because when I moved it outside to swap in a leather couch I accidentally ran over it.  No, things did not go well for the flame stitched mid-century modern sofa.  From Dupont Circle to a Desert Hot Springs dump, how the mighty have fallen.  Kabuki is sure there is a lesson there.  For someone.
kabuki wishes everyone a fabulous holiday season, and would like to say that any & all unwanted holiday gifts (of gold, diamonds, rubies, etc) not be returned to the store.  It is hurtful to the gift giver.  Instead, forward all such baubles to kabuki, and tell the gift giver that the cat ate the diamond tennis bracelet.  I offer this service because I care, kabuki is full of love, hope and some bourbon soaked fruit cake.  kabuki promises to provide more timely updates of the on-going adventures of this desert dwelling mega-star.  Be seein you

Friday

Where When Who How Why - what are you, a friggin journalist?


I spin slowly, balanced on just one toe.  I am suspended in my 10,000 gallon hot spa.  The music fades out, and the roar of the crowd is deafening.  Having just performed my classic water ballet, set to 'Let's get Physical', by Olivia Newton John.  (yes kabuki enoys the classical music, no phillistine here!)  Originally performed purely for the enjoyment of myself and a few night birds, kabuki was once again thrust onto the world stage when discovered by spy satellite.  (again)  Whenever kabuki is having the cell-phone difficulties - you can be sure a spy satellite is overhead.  Spying - its what they do.  I mean, it is their first name, for crying out loud.  Don't you people get it.  I am being watched, and perhaps one day you will be watched as well.  If you strive to become as interesting as kabuki - perhaps the heavens will smile on you.  I shall include you in my nitely prayers "Dear God - please make the talentless plebs who toil endlessly just a bit more like me - kabuki the wondrous.  Oh, and kabuki is still waiting for the porsche, know you're busy.  just sayin.  amen"  See, kabuki is still a giver, still cares about the little people - you know - YOU.  Can't you just feel the love.?

Anyhow kabuki has been touring the world with a 10,000 gallon replica of my local hot spa.  Performing several times a week, its all 24/7 for kabuki.  Thats 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.  I am retired after all.  kabuki still gotta shop and stuff.  I would delgeate, but who has my shopping prowess?  How many times have I heard myself say "What is that?  I want one."  Because the heart wants what the heart wants, I heard that on television (The O'Reilly Factor? maybe)  So as I was saying before I interrupted myself, kabuki is touring avec hot tub, performing spontaneous water ballets for the populace at large.  Spontaneous? Stop it! How refreshing!  Yes, rather than perform a perfect water dance twice kabuki creates a new water dance each performance.  Naturally there are those groupies who follow my tour bus from nation to nation.  But lets face it, kabuki has always had the groupies.  When beauty combines with talent often a large crowd is drawn, almost blindly, to follow the phenom.  And kabuki is known to mix it up occasionally.  Performing in Moscow (for all those communists) kabuki switched music.  kabuki performed a syncopated sensational to 'Maxwell's silver hammer' by the Beatles.  Clad in a chrome one piece -  the Moscowvites were stunned into silence.  And we all know how chatty communists are.  Dedicated to "Occupy Wall Street", kabuki will be performing the last show of the tour in Monaco.  I will be performing 'Castles Burning' by Neil Young.  I will be performing nude, and kabuki is sure you would approve.  "Its only castles burning, find someone who's turning, and you will come around."

Wednesday

Dancing my way back to you



It is a cold rainy night in Paris.  It rains whenever I visit, like Paris is teary-eyed over my inevitable departure.  Pity.  I am in the back of a filthy cab, hurtling towards who knows where?  I am clutching a half-eaten flan in my left hand, a silver spoon in my right.  I detest flan, like a gussied-up pudding pop.  Ever eco-friendly I open the window and fling it out.  (it is organic)  The silver spoon I pocket. although I wasn't born with it.  Maybe I'll have a yogurt later.  Not a greek yogurt, the spoon makes my butt hurt. (completely stolen humor)  I look down, oh my god!  A mixture of Prada and Armani.  Who dressed me, Anderson Cooper?  That tears it, I am having him declared 'enemy of the state'.   Who is giggling now?  Really, becauseI can hear giggling.  It is so disenheartening when ones innver voices titter away at some inside joke.  Only part of the reason I loathe them so.  As opposed to you, my loyal (and pretty) readers. Whom I just adore.  Stop over, I'll give you candy.  now back to our adventure.
"Take me to the Grand" I shriek at the driver.  It helps to shriek when in Paris.  They expect it, really,  Kabuki knows their is a 'Grand' in Paris, and kabuki knows this is where he belongs.  Kabuki just hopes it is not a Chicken and Waffles place, because kabuki is not  in the mood for food.  Kabuki is in the mood for love.  It may or may not be caused by my humpy neighbor, why must we question love?  Just wrap yourself in loves' embrace.  Fox also is a good wrap.  just sayin.  The cab comes to a stop in front of a red carpet, the rain has stopped, if a rainbow was out kabuki would call Disney and tell them to knock it off.  But no, so kabuki presses on.  What happens next is simply not to be believed.  And kabuki will tell you all about it, just as soon as I make it up. (merde) hang-on my lovelies


Friday

Tidbits from an untidy mind

My dearest bloggettes kabuki has no reason for not chatting you up, I have simply been a lazy swine.  I feel partially ashamed, and partially wicked for such behaviour.  What are we going to do with kabuki?  Who can say?  So let us not mention it again.  Good.  News items of interest.
Season 3 of THE LXD will start on August 11th on the web, you can find it on HULU.  I am simply bonkers about it.
Comedian Ian Bagg is a funny man, and kabuki wants to boost his twitter followers.  He is from Canada, and is quite tall.  Isn't that hysterical?  Say no more.
Many people ask kabuki 'how are you holding up under the desert heat?'  kabuki replies 'I have the good sense to stay inside next to the air conditioner whenever the temperature exceeds 105 or so.  It was not difficult to make this decision.'  Kabuki ventures out at night,  Supposedly it is cool quite early in the morning, kabuki cannot say. 
Kabuki has thrown out the old back.  Not quite sure how or why.  Occasionally I will uncross my legs and scream.  Loudly.  Kabuki will have to find a different WalMart to frequent.  My neighbors may not be getting a full night's sleep, but if a few screams upset them they should have never let me into this cute little village.  Can you call a gathering of mobile homes a village?  Kabuki can.
Apparently my request for a free sports car has been denied.  I can only think that people were so overcome with compassion that they were unable to respond, and assumed others stepped up and did the right thing.  NO.  And the local paper is just chock-a-block full of tasty, sporty toys.  Later, when it is too late, you will regret such a callous and short-sighted decision.  Kabuki is not saying bad karma will follow - but let us look at the US economy since kabuki left the Nation's Capital.  No sooner than kabuki vacates the halls of power when it all goes into the crapper.  Kabuki humbly apologises to your 401K plan.  My bad.  Of course it could all be a coincidence.  Keep right on believing that.  It is amazing what people can be led to believe. 
Kabuki wanted a cute nickname, like Eddie Fingers or Mr. Eleven.  But then kabuki remembered that Kabuki Zero was not such a bad monniker afterall.  Not like kabuki is gonna answer the wrong page at the country club.  'Kabuki Zero - white courtesy phone please'.  And even if I did, what hilarity would ensue.  Like a funny Benny Hill short.  When he was alive.  Nothing funny about Mr Hill currently, seeing as how he is dead.  Did he send kabuki a sports car? NO,  Is he alive?  NO.  Another coincidence?  To be sure.
Kabuki shall be going to visit Felix of Felix goes to Hollywood fame quite soon.  Kabuki hopes to take his hollywood tour.  It has been getting rave reviews after all.  Kabuki must remember to smile when signing autographs, for this is how dreams are born.  Imagine the joy a little girl or boy would feel having their very own kabuki zero autograph.  And the story, repeated ad nausuem to all their little friends 'Yes, a real star.  Beautiful, and so very nice.  Kabuki was so generous with his time, it was almost like he didn't have to dash off and get into his sports car.'  This is what makes America great.  The dreams of little boys and girls.  Many european children don't have any dreams at all.  They were stolen by the Nazis.  This is widely known.  If Hiltler was alive today kabuki would seek him out, and stomp him to death.  Of course he would be quite old, so it wouldn't be all that difficult.  But even if it was, kabuki would simply rise to the occasion.  Hitler never had a sports car.  Just saying.
My kitchen remod is coming along nicely.  I may have it completed by the end of the year.  Kabuki had to slow down (financially speaking), and this has allowed kabuki to contemplate different layouts and such.  Who knew?  Kabuki has always been a leap-first kinda guy.  Has old-age wizened up our beloved kabuki?  Not so much, it was more of a fluke.  I still remain the kabuki of legend.  And if you should be in the neighborhood, feel free to stop by.  Kabuki will pour you a glass of iced tea, give you a cookie, and then we can talk trash about the neighbors.  After all, they live in a bunch of trailers!  HAHAHAHA

An open letter to america's leaders

If America needs cash, STOP the ridiculous middle east wars, the war machine has enough money to last several lifetimes. 
If America needs cash, STOP the ridiculous oil company subsidies, the oil companies have enough money to last several lifetimes.
If America needs cash, STOP tax breaks for the top 2% of Americans, they have enough money to last several lifetimes.

If the middle east wants democracy they can do it themselves, like America did.
If the war machine wants money they can sell instruments of peace, like other companies do.
If rich Americans need more cash they can invest in America, like other Americans do.

IF I HEAR THE PHRASE 'JOB CREATOR' ONE MORE TIME I SHALL EXPLODE.   If there were any truth to this monniker they would be creating jobs now.  They are not, they have not, and they will not.

Recently the oil companies made more money than any company in any business in any country in the history of the world.  Subsidies? Are you fucking kidding me.  I already boycott EXXON and BP, I will cook over a wood fire in the yard.  If you want to jack up prices again, $5.00 gasoline guarantees people will reduce their consumption dramatically.  Once people learn that conservation is not that painful you will be delivering gas to their house for free.   So bring it.

President Obama was clearly elected by the people of America who expected, and deserved, a more reasonable system of governing.  Regardless of your beliefs or promises Mr President you appear to be the whipping boy of big business.  Does the Republican party have your balls in a drawer in some back office?  I am so very very disappointed.  You are a one term disaster.

I promise the backlash of a grass-roots campaign of pissed off middle-class and poor americans will make the 1960's vietnam protest look like a high school bake sale.  Boehner is clearly in the clutches of big business.  I wouldn't be surprised if he actually lives in Dick Cheneys' garage.  They both should fall on their swords.  What a total lack of humanity, common sense, humility and compassion.  I am embarassed by the fact they are not rotting in a prison. 

Can we please not destroy this great country during my lifetime.  Thanks.

Sunday

The kabuki fleet rises from the ashes, phoenix like, to fly again


Beverly Hills, my old flame

Feast your eyes on my delightful 1975 450sl with 50,000 original miles.  A real head turner, she was the first casualty in my quick slide down the financial ladder.  I never drove her without receiving a compliment.  She is happily bopping around historic Winchester Virgina, I hope she is happy.  Behind Beverly you can just see the nose of Otto Bonn, my 1984  bmw 533i.  Bought at a Police auction for $500 dollars, I was mad for this car.  One of four thousand 533i's made, only available in the USA, this car was the fastest four door sedan in the world in 1984.  It is recognized for leading the sports-sedan craze.  Four disc brakes, 5 speed, 225 horsepower, wearing Michelin TRX radials specifically designed for it, what a delightful sleeper.  Kabuki was just mad for this car.  Not as luxurious as my Jaguar or as pretty as my Mercedes, Otto was just a delight to drive.  One day as I cruised the beltway fast lane, ac on, kabuki blew a head gasket.  I limped otto into a shopping center and called a tow truck.  When the tow truck lifted the front end, pretty green anti-freeze ran out the chrome exhaust tips.  "That probably is not good" kabuki thought.  When I got my bmw home my brother said "Head gasket, piece of cake" and proceeded to spend a weekend or so replacing it.  kabuki knows when his automotive skill level is exceeded, and does not try these type of activities.  When rebuilding the engine my brother accidentally put the distributor in backwards. Had kabuki been driving a   Chevrolet Monte Carlo (shudder), their would be no story to tell.  Unfortunately in the german automotive world such miscues are rarely forgiven.  Things that should be moving up were moving down, and vice versa.  Many many expensive german metal doo-dads met in the middle of the engine block with calamitous results.  Unable to start dear Otto, and unaware of the meeting of the metals , kabuki had the bmw towed to a small, expensive, exclusive bmw repair faclity.  They said 'Really, this is not the type of car to dump money into, get a little 3 series'.  Kabuki replied 'Is it your money we will be spending here?  No, then do as your are told'.  It is important to delineate the worker bees from the queen, or no honey will ever get produced.  Every couple of months kabuki stopped in and gave these worker bees a couple grand, and they continued on their merry way.  Otto was in the shop for over a year.  Kabuki spent over $8000 dollars to have any and every little thing replaced, refreshed, renewed - you get the picture.  This car will never be worth $4000 ever, but kabuki was in love.  Finally, 80% completed, kabuki took possesion of the germanic beauty.  New brake system, hoses, belts, complete top end refresh, trany and clutch service, windshield, bumpers, no stone was left unturned.  All otto really needed was a muffler and paint.  AND THEN I GOT ILL.  My beloved bmw sat in front of the house.  When I retired and relocated to Winchester the bmw came with.  I drove the Jag, drove the mercedes, bought the muffler for the bmw and placed it in the back seat.Sold the mercedes, then sold the jaguar, drove cars lent to me be relatives, still the bmw sat.  Got some money, bought a Porsche, still the bmw sat.  Moved next door (to my sisters) pushed the bmw next door.  Received my late mothers' purple saturn station wagon, which kabuki drives today.  When kaubuki drove cross-country the station wagon was in tow.  My brother rescued the bmw after kabuki begged him to not allow such a lovely thing to be sold for scrap metal.  Kabuki is sure that is what his sister would have done.  Anyway, as of last month it was running, as of this week it went for a tour around my brother's neighborhood.  I have told him how exciting that is to kabuki, and have given him full ownership to do whatever he sees fit.  Because when you rescue a lovely thing you should receive a lovely reward.  Don't you love a happy ending?  Kabuki doesn't know what lies ahead for the beloved bmw, but the prospect of a bright future is now a distinct possibility.  Happy ending, fade to black.

 

Wednesday

Kabuki asks the hard questions

I shall visit the medical offices of my new Doctor tomorrow.  I am expecting the worst.  It is almost certain that kabuki has only 30 or so years left on this mortal coil.  And they are not all going to be party-down hell-bent-for-leather years either.  kabuki is sure some of the latter years will require adult supervision and sedatives.  So what kabuki is saying, (the elephant in the room per se) is DON'T I GET TO DRIVE ANY MORE SPORTS CARS BEFORE I SUCCUMB?  Really people, if it were easy everyone would be driving one.  kabuki looks fantastic in a sports car. This is fact, not just my opinion.  It is even noted in Wikipedia (if i have time).  So what if Barbara Bachman, presidential candidate and nut-case runs a clinic offering 'gay-conversion'.  So what if Obama is determined to sell my disability checks to John Boehner for a promise of 'hot coffee for old people one day soon'.  Nuclear meltdown in Japan, instability in the mid-east. heatwaves, fires, flood, whateva!  How is kabuki supposed to relate to other peoples' problems (and that is what they are), unless kabuki is able to view life's difficulties thru the windscreen of something sporty, fast and hot hot hot.  Wouldn't you feel better knowing kabuki was once again resting his buttocks on a leather bucket seat.  People, I live in a freaking resort town filled with old rich people.  A simple drive to the store goes like this - mercedes, lexus, maserati, mercedes, mercedes, jaguar, porsche.  It is painful to be sure.  Don't you want kabuki to eat?  Must kabuki turn right (towards poor people) and shop for groceries where a purple station wagon seems almost elitist?  What if kabuki is recognized?  Don't scoff, kabuki is recognized and accepted more than the Discover card.  Would you not be happier to know kabuki is turning left (towards palm springs), with the top down and the cd player cranked.  You are probably not even aware of this, but kabuki has to use a GPS device that plugs into the cigarette lighter.  It is not even standard equipment.  The hot tears of shame that roll down kabuki's face do nothing helpful for whiteface makeup either.  Poor kabuki, standing in line at Trader Joe's with white makeup tears on  his kimono, it is a tragedy of epic proportions.  I don't blame anyone, kabuki is not a blame layer.  kabuki is here to promote harmony and world peace.  kabuki feels the fast track to a happier world starts with one person at a time.  ME, it is my idea afterall.  So if you have a spare sports car contact me here.  If you do not, you may purchase one for kabuki, or just click on the donate button and hand over the cash.  kabuki will purchase the sports car for you.  Thanking you in advance for your anticipated cooperation - kabuki (you know i love you) zero

Friday

I can't believe it!

What you see is my faithful companion Elmo.  He is not sitting on the couch.  Any dog can sit on a couch.  Elmo is sitting on a velvet pillow that is on the couch.  He is also reclining against a faux-mink throw.  There is no reason for this type of behaviour.  kabuki actually has no idea where he gets these affectations.  kabuki is secretly appalled, for everyone knows kabuki is a simple soul.  A cheap poly-cotton blend shirt dress and a glass of tepid tap water is all that is required to maintain kabuki's inner happiness.  Yet all of kabuki's animal friends seem to think they are animal royalty.  People must sneak into my humble abode when kabuki is not present and fill these animals heads with nonsense.  kabuki knows for a FACT: if kabuki were to nail a fur coat or cashmere sweater to the ceiling this dog would defy gravity and take a nap on it.  Why must kabuki be punished in this way?  It goes against the laws of man to have animals pretend they are in the walled city in china, some emperor's spoiled pet.  AND just because kabuki stayed in bed until 3pm someone pooped on the floor in the living room.  All kabuki wants is for everyone to just get along.  That and a good floor cleaner, because Murphy's Oil Soap left the cherry wood laminate floor a little lackluster, so kabuki had to rinse mop the floor.  This took the fun right out of my 'nap till 3pm' event.  Perhaps kabuki is just not supposed to have any fun.  Oh well.  pity party for one.  Next time:  how can a bird throw bird seed 20 feet from its cage, and then complain it is out of food.  Animal madness in the desert!

Thursday

Happy Birthday to FELIX IN HOLLYWOOD

Yes children, the inimitable Felix (of Felix in Hollywood fame) is having a birthday right now.  This very moment.  And while he is no doubt esconced in a luxurious hollywood manse being attended to by starlets and such, let us take a moment to show him that the little people (us) also appreciate his being.  Rescued from a burning wrecked spaceship by Mr & Mrs Kent of Smallville, it was obvious from early on that Felix was 'different'.  Short, thin with an abundant head of dark chocolate locks, he was so damn popular you just knew good things were gonna happen to him.  He has started a tour company in hollywood, and you can find out more about it by visiting its web  page here: http://felixinhollywoodtours.com/  Reviews have been pouring in, and they are most favorable. 

A personal note:  mr felix was instrumental in encouraging kabuki to relocate to palm springs.  I am healthier, happier, and more optomistic about my future than I have been in years.  I blame felix entirely for this.  So won't you stop by his little corner of the interspace and wish him many happy returns on the day.  kabuki thanks you immensely.  http://felixinhollywood.blogspot.com/

Tuesday

And now there are five

There are 6 children in my family.  One girl (the oldest) and 5 boys.  I am the oldest boy and since my father died in 1975 I am the supposed Patriachal figurehead.  The 5th child, a blonde haired blue eyed scamp, did not wake up this morning.  He was 48 years old.  He had battled drug and alcohol addiction his entire life.  Some battles he won, some he did not.  He had one last good rally, kicking heroin and alcohol, and was living on his own in Texas.  The damage done to his body was severe.  He has broken his back at some point during his drug and alcohol fueled downward spiral, and it went untreated for some time.  How fucked up is your life that you can have a broken spine, and not be clued into it?  eek.  He had been shot, beaten almost to death, he spent a good portion of last year in a coma, we thought we had lost him and then he woke up. 
  During  his many years of turmoil I often played the 'bad guy' in the family structure.  I absolutely refused to enable his destructive behaviour.  I did help when he was clean, but when he was not I just couldn't.  Whether this was beneficial or helpful is not important.  If someone is determined to self-destruct no level of support is truely appropriate.  You can't fix what people don't want fixed.  You can't heal them, shield them, you simply cannot love someone back to whole.  sorry, it doesn't work that way.  Makes a good story, a compelling movie, but i can find no evidence to support this practice.  Anyway, I was called by another brother this morning, and given the news.  We don't know why, and that is also irrelevant.  If ever someone was on borrowed time, it was Frankie Joe.  I do not know why I was so calm and seemingly unperturbed by this event.  It is true that he no longer suffers, that he is at peace, and that the days of worrying about his welfare are over.  I should like to believe he rests in his mother's arms in heaven, but who can say.  He was a pleasant man, friendly and people genuinely liked him.  He also stole, lied, and did how many unspeakable acts we shall never know.  Such is the live of many an addict.  My own near-death experiences have offered no clue as to an afterlife.  It was just a shutdown.  A life stoppage.  My faith is shaky at best, and under constant change as i redefine my belief structure to suit my mood.  So i cannot say what has become of this blonde haired blue-eyed boy.  The one who struggled his whole life.  It seems so cruel to live a life of such hardship.  Did he know how awful was his existence?  I once drove past a pan handler at an intersection who looked like him.  Because it was him.  I was in my Jaguar.  That will mess with your head. if not then, later on.  Hello therapy. 
  So this afternoon I was speaking to a dear friend on the phone and wandered outside to let the dog attend to some business .  I looked over and the oleander bush i have re-grown from a stump was in beautiful bloom.  Huge white flowers all over.  It was simply amazing.  I said to myself 'i shall try to think a kind thought about frankie joe everytime i see a white oleander flower'.  I think that would be nice.  I come back inside and try to write a blog entry.  I cannot.  I google my brother's name, just to see what comes up.  A life off the grid is still not invisible, I did find one search record that indicated a man by that name lived in Texas.  I smile.  I google kabukizero, just because i am a self absorbed attention whore.  One of the top five search results is the local Heroin Treatment Facility.  I have never even heard of them.  I have never been in the same room as heroin.  I don't know anyone who used heroin except by departed brother.  Was he saying goodbye?  There are coincidences in life, and then there are shining examples of what i term 'there is more going on than you will ever know'.  You will have to draw your own conclusion, I just smiled and hoped for a better tomorrow.

Wednesday

A Love Story?

As my faithful followers (and a few unfaithful ones as well - zing!) are well aware, kabuki relocated to the desert for health reasons.  Since arriving in March the weather has been unseasonably mild (for the desert, that is) Low 90s and high 80s daywise, 60s & 70s in the eves.  Almost idyllic, and kabuki has enjoyed every minute of it.  As all good things must end, the weather is finally headed towards normal.  For the desert.  In June.  So 104 degrees slapped kabuki in the face this afternoon.  "Welcome to the desert, bitch!" Mother Nature hissed in kabuki's ear. "You forgot the humidity, whore" kabuki spat back.  Let us pause:  Should the recently discovered local dormant volcanoes suddenly erupt, one might look back with remorse.  Let us resume.  Kabuki spent many years in Washington, swamp-city, DC in the most ungodly months of summer IN FULL FUCKING BUSINESS DRAG.  Yes, we are talking sportcoat and tie, you don't pull down the big bucks or command respect in a polo and chinos.  Why kabuki recalls one particularly unpleasant august not so long ago.  kabuki was in his office. solving computer related problems, sipping on an iced tea when ther phone rang.  My kabuki-sense was tingling but i shoved it aside.  "Hello" my business persona said, "how may I assist you?".  Because in those days kabuki was all about the assisting.  At $37 bucks an hour kabuki will assist the hell out of things.  nuff said.  It was my Boss, a man kabuki admired and respected.  "Need a favor" he said, "Name it" kabuki said.  "Need some documents hand-carried down to the White House" boss said. "Why you telling me?" kabuki said.  "You are the only one currently available, the documents just arrived at your location by cab" Boss said.  "Hope the cab is waiting" kabuki said, "Sorry" Boss said.  Let us pause.  For the average person it may not be common knowledge that in the sweltering summer months cabs are impossible to find in our Nation's Capital.  They don't like to run the ac, so they all go hangout at the airport.  A pox on all of them. We can resume.   "So let me recap" said kabuki "You want me to walk from my office to the White House in a suit in August to hand deliver documents".  "That would be about it" said my fearless leader.  "I am gonna looked like a drowned rat when I get there" kabuki stated.  "A drowned rat with credentials and important documents" said my boss.  So for love of job and country kabuki schlepped down Pennsylvania Avenue.  We all know, it is an honor just to be called.  And kabuki did not answer the phone for the rest of August.  That is what voice mail is for. Wasn't that a fun anecdote?  I thought so as well.  Now, kabuki saw on the Craigslist that someone was selling a misting system.  Apparently it can lower the outdoor temperature significantly for those times you wish to frolic with nature.  Why was kabuki not informed of this?  Must kabuki learn of helpful and pleasant devices from the street?  What exactly do you people do, anyway?  Kabuki needs a misting system STAT.  Please contact the Army Corps of Engineers (or whoever) and get this project started.  You know in advance kabuki will be grateful, and shouldn't that be enough.  Does kabuki have to sweat?  eeeww,  it is almost 100 paces to the pool, suppose kabuki overheats.  Have you ever been in a kimono and white-face in August?  kabuki thought as much.  indeed.
.

Friday

Good news, Bad News, Silly news


Kiwi the one-eyed demonic Quaker bird that kabuki adopted almost a decade ago passed away last night.  kabuki would say it was from meaness, but who truly  understands the mysteries of the universe?  (besides myself of course)  She only wanted a peaceful little corner of the world to hide in, and kabuki provided that, in a big way.  The nastier she was the better kabuki treated her.  So I guess you really can kill someone with kindness.  You have been warned.  She was interred in a lovely bit of desert (my side yard) behind a rose bush.  A simple pile of stones marks her final resting spot.  kabuki has no doubt that she is frolicking in bird heaven, released from her pain and suffering (which she shared freely).  She is no doubt as beautiful as when she was young, and may she find the love she sought here on earth.  I know she was lonely, for she once made friends with a male lovebird.  Unfortunately she was unable to  share space with hambone (the male lovebird) for she was prone to biting pieces of other birdies.  I did not let her fly much, for she only flew to the next cage and tried to start a fight with whatever occupant was closest to the bars.  She was a slow and cumbersome bird. you could actually reach up and pluck her out of mid-air. like a balloon.  But she was one of my angels, and kabuki can only hope the kindness afforded her made her stay more pleasant.  I didn't really think I would cry, and yet now I cannot stop.  Say a little prayer for her, and all mistreated creatures (including man).  Life can be so beautiful, let  us not forget it can also be quite cruel.  

Monday

A fistfull of popsicles


No, that is not the title of the next Clint Eastwood spaghetti western.  Although it could be, kabuki is available for rewrites and stuff.  What you see in the picture is kabuki's new-used kitchen appliances.  A lovely couple in La Quinta took their realtor's advice and swapped out the 5 year old GE Profile appliances with stainless steel.  Apparently no one wanted 'built-in' appliances, so they were sitting in their garage.  Kabuki showed up (like I do) and offered to take the yumminess away, prepared to make multiple trips in the purple saturn station-wagon-of-love. The man said 'Our open house isn't for two hours, help me load them in my pickup and I will follow you to your house." So kabuki thought to himself "you want to deliver the free kitchen full of appliances to my house, I guess I am ok with that".  What lovely people they are, and kabuki got a cooktop, built-in microwave, dishwasher, double convection oven and side by side refridgerator.  What a pleasant Saturday indeed.

On Sunday kabuki awoke with a pulled muscle.  A small price to pay, and I did my best to ignore it.  How one pulls a 'butt muscle' moving kitchen appliances is unknown to kabuki, and yet it was to be.  After installing the cooktop and visualizing the rest of the appliances in place kabuki fortified himself with a 'light bologna sandwich and a fistful of popsicles.  As kabuki headed to the swirling hot mineral water spa kabuki ran into the property manager.  She knows kabuki uses the spa daily, and has been proactive in the maintenance of same-said pool of hot deliciousness. 'There are baby ducks in the spa' said the manager, 'and they won't let me scoop them up in the pool net'.  I followed her to the spa and watched as she chased a family of ducklings around the 12 by 40 foot spa with a ten foot pole.  It was a hallmark moment to be sure.  Jacked up as I was on frozen juicy popsicles (I love 'em) i removed the net from the end of the pole and entered the pool.  It was but moments before the darling ducklings were caught and  returned to their momma, who watched the entire affair with the practised air of boredom that seems unique to mothers.  The manager was properly amazed, and kabuki told her 'Birds I got, nets I got, consider me your go-to guy for bird related activities'.  You could see the relief wash over her. And kabuki was able to enjoy the swirling spa water, with neither ducklings nor people bothering me.  It was just me and the crazy hummingbird that lives in the bouganvilla bush, and he knows kabuki isn't gunning for him.  So, how is your memorial day weekend going?  kabuki canot wait to see what Monday is going to bring.  How much better is life when you just accept the strange and go with the flow.  That is kabuki, floating down the karma river.  Life is good when it's good.

Thursday

The secret of my success

My birthday was a rip-roaring success, in no small part thanks to you.  Yes you, you know who you are, and so do I.  kabuki bows demurely at your feet, you delicious people of wonderfulness.  Wonderful well-wishers were about, chocolate cake was had, and movie stars were chatted up.  A bottle of macadamian nut liqueur arrived from hawaii, some steaks arrived from omaha, and a lovely house plant arrived by post.  Kabuki rolled up the kimono sleeves and repaired the garbage disposal, so that is like a gift to myself.  Food that displeases kabuki shall now face utter destruction.  Kabuki only hopes the birds that live with kabuki will follow that veiled threat to its logical conclusion.  The dog is too big to fit so a diferent evil death threat shall be concocted for him.  but enough about me.

There are really only two things you need to succeed in this kabuki's world, and i shall tell you what they are.  The first thing you need is a large glass filled with ice and a delicious beverage of your choice.  A great southern beauty like myself requires (and desires) iced tea.  Lemon or mint leaves to taste, and a sweetener of some sort.  Sugar in the raw, a stalk of sugar cane, splenda, whatever is close at hand.
The second requirement is a communication device.  Phone, computer, netbook, telegraph, something.  It is essentially that you contact people, and that they feel they can contact you back.  Of course they really cannot, but we will cross that bridge later.  what is imporrtant is that they think you are reachable.  Because as you talk to people, and tell them about yourself (if you don't, others will. believe me) these same people will try and tell you things about themselves.  As if anything could be more painful.  They might as well stab you and set your hair on fire.  But there are people in this world who think we want to know about them.  Absurd.  They want to know about us, duh!  But why is that a two way street.  Do we care what color Britney's labia is today?  Not even one bit.  You mother fell down the escalator at the mall?  So sad for her.  What impact do these events have on kabuki?  Other than the part of my life wasted by listening to you tell me, no impact at all.  Really if you think about it, you just need a microphone on your phone.  The speaker is both irritating and intrusive.  This is wht Twitter is such a hit.  You can just speak to people.  Of course they can 'tweet' back at you.  Even the name (tweet) shows what little importance is paid to the reply.  'But kabuki, how do we know they are even listening' you ask.  Thanks for interrupting.  First, people are generally nosy.  Not us, them.  You know they are just dying to know what we are doing, eating, talking about, etc.  Second, even as you read this someone else is wondering what y ou are reading.  Because you (like kabuki) are fascinating and interesting.  And they want to be you, own you, be on you, just watch you, and tons more creepy stuff like that.  And kabuki still did not get a taser for my birthday.  If the creepy people spirit me away it will be on your heads.  You will re-read my old blogs thru teary eyes, too sad to even get out of bed.  And then kabuki will escape the creepies, and once again regale you (the important people) with my tales of daring-do and general hilarious events.  Because nonsense is my business, and business is looking up.  i love you, kabuki zero

Friday

People of Earth, greetings from kabuki zero

hey babies, whats happening?  kabuki is having a time of it in good old palm springs.  my move and associated expenses (landscaping was at least 20 dollars), have left poor kabuki in a state of withdrawl withdrawl.  that is to say, i can't get no satisfaction (monetary or otherwise) via the bank.  with my birthday LOOMING on the horizon kabuki has decided to beg for the funds required to keep the internet alive ( i haven't paid the blood thirsty bastards at verizon, and they are all pissy about it).  perchance kabuki might even have enough to get a delightful chocolate monster cake from costco.  it is chocolate with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles.  it weighs 37 pounds, and is the size of a five year old.  it is kabuki's favoritest birthday cake (to date), but the sucker costs 20 dollars.  Oh kabuki remembers the days it cost 20 dollars just to go to work, but those days are gone (Sob).  kabuki has a fantastic plan to increase funding (think bonsai pot plants), but has yet to put it into action.  so kabuki thought of a one time pleading, begging, and other horribly annoying actions to the beautiful people of the interweb.  can you possibly see your way to clicking on kabuki's donate button.  we shall never speak of it again.  kabuki actually wrote this plea yesterday, and blogger wiped it out.  kabuki does not take hints from the universe very well.  so kabuki is once again forced to rely on the kindness of strangers.  although you don't seem that strange.  my neighbor, now there is a strange bird.  but kabuki does not think she is a reader of blogs.  perhaps not a reader at all.  more like a 'color the placemat while daddy orders' kind of a chick.  but it is not about her today.  friday the thirteenth is a mere 7 days from kabukis 25th birthday.  It was so marvelous kabuki is recreating the event from memory.  unfortunately all kabuki can remember is there was cake.  so kabuki will start there and improvise the rest.  thanking you in advance for your anticipated cooperation is the salutation you so richly deserve.  all my love, all the time kabuki zero - mystery godess of the sublime, in total harmony (or denial) with the universe.  salut

Thursday

Impotent Overlords of Internet Incur kabuki's wrath


Some rat bastard has decided that kabuki needs to pay for the use of high-speed internet access.  After ignoring their repeated (and annoying) emails begging for payment (blood suckers!) kabuki has no choice but to submit.  However, my recent move and excessive landscaping bills ($20 bucks at least), have left the coffers of kabuki in a sad state.  Having sold off all valuable belonging except internal organs kabuki thought he would plead with the masses for a one-time injection of love funds to keep the 24-7 access to asian ass porn (reference material) as well as email, etc available.  For as surely as my name is kabuki zero, planetary goddess of light and yummy spokesmodel celebrity, verizon will cut me off.  Since kabuki was planning on an economical lifestyle, my phone is actually a majic jack, requiring an internet access point.  Seeing as how everybody kabuki is related to will be calling in 9 short days to wish me birthday greetings and explain why they didn't buy me so much as a damn card, it would be nice to hang up on them.  This will require phone service.  It is so hard to hang up a cell phone nastily.  (working on it).  I am on top of most everything else, and my plan to increase monthly income is underway (think bonsai pot plants), so kabuki hopes to never again have to beg anyone for anything.  This of course is impossible.  Just today an older gentleman caught kabuki drolling over his porsche carrera cabriolet (it was blue.  porsche does a pretty blue) and kabuki had to beg himself not to beat the man to death and take his keys.  (he would have spattered blood on the interior, you could just tell he was mean like that)  So you see it is useless to pretend.  Fortunately kabuki is a master of pretending.  It is a little like self-actualization.  Edgar Cayce said to visualize your desires (i am paraphrasing here).  And kabuki desires to not have anymore disturbances to the life force of his universe.  This includes no broken appliances, no loss/interruption of service, no more damn dental surprises (hi, i'm a cavity!),  and so on.  And just maybe kabuki will still have the devil-may-care bravado required to go into costco (using my brothers admission card) and purchase the enormous chocolate oh-my-god cake that deserves its own kitchen counter.  Because it is just that grand.  Talk among yourselves, give a good look at that bright eyed youth that was kabuki 31 years ago, and let us all hope for a brighter tomorrow.  Although it is pretty damn bright in the desert already, maybe a gentler tomorrow. kisseys

Tuesday

In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn a Pleasure Dome erect!

However. kabuki suspects good ole Kubla was a bit more flush than kabuki.  Kabuki wanders into Walmart, Lowe's, Costco (kabuki is still boycotting Home Despot) and loudly inquires "Can someone point me towards the diseased and dying everything's a dollar aisle?"  Collecting my misfit and mistreated childrens kabuki races home.  After careful placement (i set down the plant, and then run across the street to big picture the garden) kabuki then waits a day or two to weed out the weak plants, and finally kabuki will plant the survivors.  Give kabuki a $1.25 lavender bush, and kabuki will show you some plant moxie.  The front garden has the rubber mulch, which kabuki finds oddly creepy.  The garden up against the front facade is festooned with crushed white marble.  Kabuki is guessing from the Acropolis, but really it could be from any extremely famous ancient building.  The stuff costs like $4.00 a bag at Wal-Mart, so you know it positively reeks of history and ancient civilizations.  The rubber mulch just looks like old tires to kabuki.  But kabuki does not stand in the way of progress, and this stuff is supposed to last.  Kabuki does not wish to be out in the desert heat in late August topping off the mulch.  Kabuki wants to be leaning on a white ferrari convertible sipping expensive champagne somewhere like Monte Carlo.  Nice, France in a pinch, but August is not so pretty in Nice in August methinks.  Perhaps Baden-Baden, or where they make those swell Mont Blanc pens in Switzerland.  Remember kabuki is quite flexible, so feel free to include kabuki in any and all upper-eschelon travel plans.  Imagine the thrill and pride you feel as people behind you stage whisper "who the hell is that nut job in the kimono?"  You can turn and state "that NUT JOB is Kabuki Zero you unwashed eurotrash semi-royalty!"  Think back, when was the last time you were branded 'persona non grata' in europe.  This fall you will be the darling of the dinner party circuit, in your Dolce & Gabbana white dinner jacket, regaling one and all with your adventures.  "Tell us again how kabuki got you banned in Luxembourg, oh please tell us.  Can you really never step foot in Iceland again?  How fabulous."  After all kabuki is a giver from way back, and if you're paying (and you will be picking up the check) it is the very least kabuki can do to make sure you enjoy kabuki's company.  And why wouldn't you?  Kabuki is a perfectly agreeable person, and many feel kabuki is also 'easy on the eyeballs' so where is the down side.  Please submit travel ideas early, as there will obviously be more than one offer headed my way.  And until then kabuki shall try not to bump his head on the pool wall anymore. 

Saturday

A BAD DAY AT CASTLE ROCK

Please excuse my absence, kabuki has been quite busy putting my house together.  From hanging attractive draperies to installing cooktops kabuki has done, seen it, and probably taken a power tool to it.  kabuki feel betters (still not cured), kabuki is losing weight, sleeping some, eating less, and taking in the restortive waters of the hot mineral spa.  kabuki says taking in, but kabuki accidentally swallowed some water yesterday, and the taste did not really strike kabuki as restorative.   It is quite rare that kabuki wanders off when happy, and kabuki assures you that kabuki is most ashamed.  Deserting one and all when MJ is having a shoe moment.  And the fact that ALL of my fun shoes (INCLUDING MY SILVER SNAKESKIN CHA-CHAS)  were left behind had nothing to do with my not entering.
And now for something completely different.  Having dressed and all, kabuki decided to venture into the Palm Springs night.  You see my outfit selection above.  At some point during my seven year sabbatical kabuki has turned into an old troll.  The over-dressed darling of our nations' captial looks like he should be growling under a bridge.  Why me? Why now?  Talk about god-smacked.  Can someone please recommend a god plastic surgeon, and can kabuki borrow 50 grand?  Surrounded by skinny tan rich people, and kabuki looks like a curmudgeon float for the macys day parade.  Doesn't kabuki get credit for all those years in sweat pants on percocets?  kabuki would really like to have half a chance at happiness, and kabuki is pretty sure doing 'Shrek' impressions at childrens parties will not cut it.   Since kabuki will be having a birthday very soon (shop early, shop often), maybe a sublte hint would help you to make a thoughtful selection.  (LIPOSUCTION)  Anyway, don't be mad at kabuki.  I is so sorry for my little self-indulgent mental vacation.  Punish kabuki with your kindness, thats a lesson not soon forgot.  adieu  ps. Is someone missing a chin?  cuz kabuki found it!

Tuesday

A indepth look at LOVE (from the kabukizero minds' eye series)




They say in springtime a man's fancy turns to LOVE.  A man's fancy what?  They don't tell you that part.  They just leave you hanging out to dry.  kabuki has several fancy parts.  This is but a hint dear reader of the madness that will ensue when LOVE comes to call.  As soon as it sets its sight on you, you are basically LOVE's bitch.  Better men (and women, transgendered, mermaids, space creatures. etc) than us have tried to outrun LOVE.  We cannot.  We can only outlast LOVE, and that is an unpleasant scenario as well.  Let kabuki give you a small glance into the minds' eye of LOVE. 

The beatles sang "All you need is love, love is all you need'.  Cute but incorrect.  You will also need lunch, because LOVE is actually hard work.  LOVE will take from you everything, and give back nothing.  LOVE  will also take nothing, and give to you everything.  Confused?  Love is a two-sided coin, a double edged sword. a wendy's double with the works (that lunch reference may me hungry).  You can search for LOVE and not find it.  You can hide from  LOVE and have it find you.  You may find and lose the LOVE of your life (insert kabuki's dramatic life story here), may never know real LOVE, may bounce in and out of LOVE like a 4 year old jacked up on M&Ms.  (do not try this at home)  There are people that are always in LOVE with someone new.  They are idiots, and it is best to steer clear of them.  Unless you are one of them (no offence, how you doing?)

TAFKA or Prince sings "Baby if you want me to, I would die for you".  Real LOVE places your beloved in the foreground, with you bringing up the rear.  Self-sacrifice in the name of LOVE is a time honored tradition (according to poets and sages).  Duels fought, wars waged, kingdoms lost.  All in the name of LOVE.  Yet you cannot buy LOVE, nor can you sell it.  It cannot be contained, constrained, reclaimed, defamed, and a bunch of other rhyming words as well.  For kabuki, LOVE defined my being.  I was walking down a hallway in my highschool when I saw the face that was true LOVE.  It redefined my sexuality.  I simply could not imagine my life without this face.  I telephoned every single day for 5 years.  I followed this face across the country, several times.  We were closest of friends, the cruelest of LOVE's ploys.  I invested almost 20 years of my life to this face, as it was my quest.  And was completely unsuccessful.  Oh yes, kabuki knows far too well of LOVE's power.  To this day I would rather spend one night in my true LOVE's arms than an eternity alone.  It cannot be. And everyone in the universe but kabuki can see this as clearly as the blazing sun.  This is the path kabui will walk down a million times, and each time take the wrong branch.  Just for the chance to experience true LOVE.  It sounds demented.  kabuki is a brilliant, sane, attractive person with the world to give, yet kabuki could not shake LOVE's grasp.  Obsession?  Too small a word.  Mind crushing all emcompassing omnipresent LOVE, that's what it is.  What a horrid thing to do to a sentient being.

When Sinead O'Connor screams "I would kill a dragon for you", this is the sentiment  that defines LOVE best for kabuki.  It speaks of sacrifice yes, but of mythical beings and impossible odds and determination.  This song Troy, of unwanted advances and unrequited LOVE tears little pieces of kabuki off and floats them down the river of despair.  It symbolizes the dark and selfish side of LOVE, and kabuki will admit to time spent there.  Yet kabuki has moved past shame, accepted blame and finally put an end to the life long true LOVE horror story that tormented kabuki for decades.  kabuki has come to terms with this addiction, and realized he was powerless in its grasp.  kabuki even accepted that the face was more than likely deceased, and all hope long lost.  kabuki had a good cry, packed it away.  Then Facebook recommended the face as a friend (we had mutual friends in common).  kabuki has been on facebook since forever, and the week kabuki comes to terms with LOVE, the face joins facebook.  Tell kabuki LOVE is not alive and kabuki will laugh in your uneducated face.  There is  rhyme and reason to the universe people, there is a reason you are right here right now, there is a higher power.  It is LOVE, and kabuki is just sick about it.

Finally, David Bowie sings "With your kiss my life begins.  You are spring to me, all things to me.  Dont you know you're life itself?"  That is the new LOVE kabuki seeks, for kabuki is but a man.  And man is but a fool.  And fools are meant to LOVE.  I have recovered from my chance vision of the face.  Twas but a stumble along my path.  kabuki (having both natural grace and regal poise) quickly regained balance and composure.  kabuki is extremely proud of this.  having been alone since 1991 kabuki knows solitude is only pain.   You may remember kabuki no longer fears pain.  And as long as kabuki remembers that, life will continue and a new LOVE may appear.  No one can prove otherwise.  kabuki envisions a time when a new LOVE will exist.  As kabuki gazes into the abyss, new LOVE will grasp kabuki's hand and say "Don't scrunch up your face like that, people will think you are retarded".  That is LOVE.

Monday

A Thousand Pardons

As all of my extremely beautiful and wise followers can attest to kabuki has moved to a glamorous megastar worthy motor lodge called Desert Palms.  Kabuki is awash in luxury, diamonds and furs, etc.  It is all kabuki can do to remain humble and sincere, is it not?  Anyway my babies, kabuki has signed up for the attractive VERIZON HIGHSPEED DSL - which does not work.  At all, ever, for any reason.  How incalculably rude thought the ever pleasant kabuki.  Unwilling to complain, yet fearing others would suffer kabuki reached for the New VERIZON IPHONE 4 - which does not work unless kabuki stands in the driveway of the aforementioned celebrity-worthy dwelling.  I was appalled because kabuki does the background research necessary prior to obtaining such expensive and apparently useless devices.  Due diligance and insomnia led kabuki to check coverage maps, read countless reviews and surveys, and even listen to the man in the street.  And why anyone would listen to a man standing in the street is beside kabuki, but as you probably suspect kabuki likes to follow the crowd.  kabuki goes along to get along yes sirree.  Don't make waves, be a small voice in a loud room, wall flower, a fleeting shadow at dusk, all of these descriptives are probably used by my many supporters when discussing my demure self.  So kabuki must apologise with a heavy heart and a shameful mind for allowing you, my reader, the important one, to go without the literary sustenance that is The Man Who Told The World.  And allow me to humbly thank you, and in my most Mother Theresa-like mood avow 'IF THESE BACKWOODS MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T GET ME CONNECTED BY TOMORROW THE HEAVENS SHALL RAIN DOWN A POWERFUL AND FEARSOME VENEGANCE UNSEEN SINCE KRAKATOA WENT BALLISTIC'.  In a loving and heart-felt manner of course.  kisses and bunny-hugs I love you too much to say aloud.

Saturday

You'll never see it coming



A cunning master of disguise - yes that is true.  Eidetic memory - pehaps, kabuki cannot recall.  But it is kabuki's complete disregard for truth and and utter disbelief in reality that allows kabuki to bring forth another set of completely unsubstantiated claims against people kabuki may or may not have even met.  That is for the courts to decide.  Shall we begin:
What canadian diva is said to be responsible for the scuttling of the long awaited justin bieber shower scene in 'Glee'?  oh my
Which birthday girl is still reeling from the effects of a absinthe douche?  And what initails-only do-gooder is reported to have carried same hot birthday mess home on his lavender scooter?  hmmm
If kabuki were a betting person (i am not) kabuki would lay 5 to 1 odds that a hostile takeover of certain hollywood hotspots will happen by spring.  (think F___x's Chinese Theatre) what?
Is a certain french residence undergoing massive renovations to include a 'day spa' for recovering jewelry designers and such?  Is the addition of a Louis XIV garage really going to allow space for a 'zen hot house' (aka naked sex sauna)?  one wonders.
What famous film star (here in our very midsts) is said to be working on a completely fresh accapella version of Whoop-up, a broadway musical unlike any other.  Is famous husband slated to design backdrops solely out of balloons?  kabuki is intrigued.
One hears, but does not believe, that a mega-star famous for her closeups was spotted in the Hollywood hills wearing only a tiara and clutching a small animal to her bosom.  That animal later turned out to be an ermine muff, but that is not why we are here today, now is it?  A trail of glass beads led all the way back to Sausalito, where she keeps her stable of show ponies.  perplexed- so is kabuki.
Is a certain Mister about to shove off on a ninety-day cruise ship extravaganza?  Said to be working on a tuxedo made entirely of dollclothing for his 'grand entrance'.  (how couture)  Kabuki's team of psychics pleads to 'stay home, or at least stay off the grand staircase'.  kabuki can say no more lest the delicate veil separating truth and fiction be ripped asunder.  bon voyage indeed!
Has our chain-smoking film-noir darling been permanently banned from the NASCAR winners circle?  Seems hot cigarette ash accidentally set Ms America's dress on fire prior to the awards ceremony.  Who doesn't wear flame retardant gowns nowadays?  Melted polyesther can be oh so difficult to remove from trophies, as kabuki well knows.
Was a certain poisonous playmate seen flashing her vajayjay at Elton Johns' after party?  All kabuki can say is the seafood salad on the buffet went untouched.  Now you tell me.
And finally - what famous oriental megastar has been lured to the desert with promises of kabutzing with Hollywood royalty?  And what same megastar was caught completely offguard to find out that scorpions are not the denizens of the desert.  It is mummies.  Two mummies, wearing matching purple tshirts were seen piloting a bmw convertible down Palm Drive yesterday.  Can same-said megastar solve the riddle of the pyramids to stave off possible mummy infestation?  can't say, cuz right now megastar  is going to take a nap.  adieu mon cheri   

Tuesday

There was a boy...

A figure from my childhood, an icon, the hero kabuki wanted to become.  Not too far from the mark kabuki would venture.  Everyone play along and try to guess the name of this hero, this dynamic force in a young mans development.  kabuki also remembers a summer replacement show - mid  60s - called something like Coronet Blue.  The star of the show has amnesia.  He is beset with troubling difficulties (ticking time bombs, groups of goons, dead pilot at the wheel of the plane) and in the very nick of time (about 28 minutes in) the star suddenly remember he knows how to solve the dilemna and voila!, he has once again saved the day.  As an adult kabuki searched for ages to find the show, certain of its theatrical excellance.  On second viewing it's just a cute blond in tight pants.  But what is so wrong with that?  Of course kabuki still enjoys a cute blond in tight pants, but with a more jaded eye.  A question for the hollywood set - whilst watching a performance do you use your own talent as a measuring stick to judge the players?  kabuki wonders how you would not.  Is kabuki that shallow? (no)  For many years kabuki was quite simply the very best at something.  Most agreed, the rest were of no consequence and summarily dismissed.  kabuki actually had an inside voice dialogue as follows:  'I am the funniest person I know.  I am the funniest person I have ever met.  I am NOT the funniest person I have ever seen. etc'  This dialogue covered many activities, and kabuki did not pad his talents.  Many of the categories kabuki had low score, so we rarely covered those areas.  But some other areas, where kabuki was (and in some cases, IS) in the positive column served well to prop up a sometimes wobbly ego.  Good or bad kabuki has never been surrounded by 'yes men'.  And others in kabuki's lifestyle community so often lash out blindly, mistaking cruelty for cleverness.  Some are just plain cruel.  kabuki avoids these children.  Not out of fear, more out of a desire to not be soiled.  Lay down with dogs, etc. So while kabuki scours the desert for new allies and such, do be kind.  It's not that kabuki doesn't want to play silly games. it's just that in the end kabuki will rip your soul out and set it ablaze.  And its hot enough here already.  ciao

Friday

I'm your primate dancer. A dancer, a monkey, and any old music will do.

Someone please revoke my craigslist priviledges before I do something silly.  I believe thats what went thru kabuki's mind.  A long time ago.  And who the hell does Home Depot think they are kidding with $15 Big-as-a-horse Orchids. Trying to cull favor with the kabuki person.  It almost worked until a snarling Bruce slunk past.  You would thing that place had a dress code.  Anyway - here is the start of the living room.  The teak coffee table requires refinishing, so it is not pictured.  It is hiding in shame in the sunroom.  Please feel free to crush kabuki's dreams by remarking how tattered everything appears.  kabuki will just die.  After she takes you out into the desert and says bad things about your upbringing.  Because that is how kabuki rolls.  Any way with little sleep, money, patience, chocolate ice cream, etc kabuki shall press on.  My sincere thanks to the several people who assisted kabuki, the move would not have occurred without them.  Many thanks to felix - it was his idea after all.  So if you need a sacrifice for the earthquake gods, call me and kabuki will give you directions to LA.  Really, kabuki is still much to busy unpacking to undergo any sacrificial duties at this time.  It is always nice just to be nominated, as so many people in California will attest.  Also, no one warned me about little latino women driving golfcarts on the road.  It is difficult enough to drive out here (so picturesque) without hysterical fits of laughter.  Really, must you think only of yourselves?  And a word to the armed gunmen who robbed the Sally's beauty supply store the very week kabuki arrived :  too little, too late my criminal friends.  To compete with kabuki's level of beauty you should have started at birth.  Plus - Sally's beauty supply - what did you make off with?  Wash-out color rinses are so 1970s.  Must kabuki now educate the criminal set as to style and grace?  Oh well, as you can tell - lots to do here.  kabuki is happy, excited and just a teensy bit proud of himself.  More to come - of that you can be sure.  tatas

Saturday

I am ARRIVED!!!!

with a 16 hour drive thru an arizona windstorm the kabuki child has arrived.  the only damge so far was a large round marble table top.  kabuki considers this to be a successful move.  strangely, it rained in the desert the very next day.  is mother nature looking for a fat lip?  kabuki does not play well with others, as a certain unpleasant yet unartrractive sales clerk named Bruce will atest.  Apparently Bruce is the reigning queen of the Palm Spring Home Depot Major Appliance Department.  kabuki will be shopping at Lowes, and hopes Bruce finds a new line of work soon.  I would suggest bullet-proof vest tester.  And her extremely fey and unappealing friends can help mop up the blood.  kabuki frowns upon unpleasant workplace behaviour, especially when she is in no mood.  enough about unpleasantness.  kabuki am arrived, you can see the pool from my bedroom and snow capped mountains from the drive.  stargazing under the carport was not succesful, but i do believe i gassed up the truck right next to Ted Nugent.  How exciting.  For him.  Seeing kabuki drive a Ford F350 16 foot box truck towing a car carrier holding the purple saturn station wagon of hope.  He'll probably write a song about it.  kabuki would, but really tries not to toot one's own horn.  At least in public.  Until soon, and next time - photos galore.  kissey booboo's, kabuki.

Tuesday

Anyone care for Desert?

Just a quick note to update the quivering masses.  On the extremely highway-like rt 40, currently stopped in Conway, AR.  Perhaps I'll meet some twitty-birds,you just never know.  Briefly - Tennessee - the good: Arby's urinal screens are emblazoned with Osama BinLadens' picture.  The bad :  kabuki saw the largest rebel flag ever, flying proudly over a business.  i am talking 12 feet wide, on a 100 foot pole.  kabuki was filled with disgust. Arkansas - the good: while driving next to fields of something kabuki was crop-dusted.  I watched the plane make a pass, bank left over the highway and head back.  kabuki pondered 'what are the chances it will pass directly over head?  And what would the odds be that said plane would open it's jets a teensy bit early?'  We know the answers, don't we fair readers?  kabuki + birds + wordly goods all crop dusted.  Had to roll the windows down to air out the cabin.  This is the life of a megastar, so don't be so quick with the jealousy.  Felix suggested it might be a CIA attempt to quiet kabuki's voice of reason.  But kabuki will not be silenced so easily.  kabuki has smelled worse at a Todd Rundgren concert.  Anyway on to the bad:  arkansas has the worst radio ever.
from christians telling me about my sinful friends (please try to be a little extra sinful.  just for kabuki) to NPR going on and on and on about what kabuki cannot even remember.  And a couple of country music stations thrown in for color. ick ick ick.  Moving on, as kabuki wondered down the road kabuki's extra keen senses noticed something amiss in a field next to rt 40.  Of course kabuki investigated.  kabuki has trained for just such an event.  Someone (or something) had taken all of the nearby cow patties and arranged them into pleasing geometric patterns.  kabuki was on to something, and is here to announce to the world.  KABUKI HAS DISCOVERED CRAP CIRCLES IN THE MIDWEST.  kabuki advises everyone to stay tuned, updates as they occur.  and now kabuki must rest, double locking the motel door just in case.  kisseys

Sunday

hello world - please shine a light on kabuki

with a 16 foot rented truck, towing the purple station wagon of delight, kabuki heads west.  with a song in my heart (and an ache in my back) we seek warmer pastures.  think only good thoughts, well-wishers that you are.  if that truck doesn't make it all the kabuki may just set up camp where ever we roll to a stop.  can you just feature kabuki hawking her wares on the side of rt 40, like a common polka-dot street whore.  speaking of polka dot whores, one left me a text message a short time ago.  you let the hired hands have a few castoffs and low and behold, a sense of righteous indignation springs forth.  if you see her, please remind the polka dot queen (of nowhere) to eat her lunch outside.  the living room drapes reek of soy sauce and cheap salmon.  kabuki is surprised the entire place is not overrun by cats.  rumor has it a certain polka dot lady has a cat only to take the blame for any bad smells that may be noticed in her sex room.  kabuki did not even know that latex can go 'off'.  this internet thing is quite educational, and not always in a bad way.    dear ones - think of me, driving home for the first time.  with the dog and max - the talking parrot.  kabuki dropped a box of something, kabuki said 'shit', and max chimed in 'you bitch!'.  kabuki does hope he was referring to the box. otherwise its gonna be a bumpy road for everyone.  bon chance kabuki, that's what the voices in my head are saying.  and kabuki is glad they are friendly.  tatas

Tuesday

Now I need you I need you I need I need you I need you I need you

 
Thank you Miss Donna Summer.  Sometimes the girl knows where I am, and what I want.   Kabuki is packing, so things are dishevled.  Or I should say, kabuki is supposed to be packing.  Let me share my tale of woe.  It is not for the faint of heart, so hold on tight to each other.  kabuki awoke this morning all warm and cuddly, loving life and anticipating my many tasks not with a sense of foreboding but with the determination of that little ant who moved the rubber tree plant.  (children - go watch Laverne & Shirley).  As kabuki rose from the comfort of the bed a twinge made its presence felt along the left side of kabuki's neck.  'Oh Lord' kabuki cried 'Not  my neck, not know.  Take my big toe, my right butt cheek, but not my neck.  Sweet Jesus'.  But it was too late.  The left side of kabukis' neck locked up tighter than the back door of Fort Knox.  Fortunately kabuki is surrounded by family and friends.  Who are all extremely busy and pressed for time.  Apparently kabuki has been abandoned by east coast mankind.  The coldest cut of all.  When kabuki thinks of the love kabuki has attempted to share with the east coast, well kabuki could just spit.  Except that spitting is disgusting.  Nothing like a gorgeous man hocking a big ole lugey to ruin a mood.  Might as well pinch one nostril closed and fire snot rockets at the ground.  kabuki is not sure why anyone finds men attractive.  kabuki remembers standing a urinal trough when a beautiful man joined the affair.  He turned to kabuki and said 'It's my birthday'.  kabuki said 'Thats nice.  You are peeing on my sandal'.  Apparently some bizarre birthday ritual kabuki was not familiar with.  Must have missed that meaning.  (Note:  this was the last time kabuki wore sandals anywhere that intoxicated people might be urinating)  A lesson learned, thats for sure. But what does it mean kabuki?  Learn us please.

Kabuki has no damn idea what it means.  In a feeble attempt to salvage anything from today, kabuki applied muscle relaxers and what ever else might be appropriate to the insides of kabukis' digestive tract.  kabuki needs to be reminded that a life of debauchery coupled with an extensive medical history of 'tightness' has made it extremely difficult to relax, sedate, tranquilize, etc the kabuki mindstream.  kabuki pities the fool that slips kabuki a mickey.  All that occured was a heightened interest in watching jewelry television, interspersed with naps.  And by the way, Christian evangelical televangelist Jim Bakker is running out of mini-trampolines.  (just sayin')  If you want to bounce your way to fitness and godliness best to head over to church channel and order now.  Not for kabuki.  Muscle relaxers and trampolines sounds like a gas, but kabuki will refrain until someone is available to film the adventure.

So, what does it all mean dear reader?  In a nutshell, neck hurts, friends missing, packing waiting, bouncing fun.  And since kabuki napped off and on all day kabuki will probably be awake until thursday.  dammit.

Sunday

California Dreamin

kabuki could just scream.  Because, you see, the barometric shenanigans that foretell snow also set kabuki's pain meter to turbo. But do your worst mother nature - you bitch.  It's just pain.  kabuki can handle pain.  However kabuki is afraid of this years' cold & flu season.  kabuki has obtained the required flu vaccine (or so they said - it could be a tracking device), but kabuki doesn't know what strains of flu are covered.  Just today, while shopping in Target for a few items I saw a lady who was obviously contaminated with the dreaded HO virus (also known as the skank flu). She walked in the door, turned to wait for her man, and coughed full open-mouth on the exit door.  "Great" kabuki thought, "i'll just go out the fire door".  kabuki is moving in 3 short weeks, and does not have time for the skank flu.  You know it makes you get a 'tramp stamp'.  If you already have one (so sad), then you move up to a 'tittie tattoo'. Add some cheap jewelry and hair color,  people kabuki might not survive such an ordeal.  Once the other infected citizens (or white trash) saw what a delectable morsel kabuki was - well lets just say walmart would be catering the wedding reception.  (horror)
While we discuss horror, a certain JohnDoe clued kabuki into cam4 - a sex webcast debacle that will surely set mankind back 100 years.  But so worth it.  90 percent of the webshows are just male torsos - no head and nothing below the groin area.  While you would think this would appease the masses- it appears to only egg them on further.  "show your ass, show your feet, tickle yourself, pee on a grapefruit" - the demands are endless, and endlessly unusual.  There is a sexual identity label for the webstars - and kabuki will break it down for you.  If it says they are straight - they are bisexual.  If it says they are bisexual - they are gay.  If it says they are gay - sweet mother of god, turn off the computer, find a bible, and retreat to the living room coat closet, because they are scary as shit.  Of course kabuki dashed out to purchase a web camera, and cannot wait to open the first 'self-help' webshow on cam4.  Because i am not getting within a country mile of most of these children, and what most of them seem to need is a good solid boot to the forehead.  kabuki would have said ass but about half of them seem intent on inserting any manner of devices into the previously-mentioned orifice.  If that is your ballywick - well then good on ya, but airing it at 1080p for the world to see.  Ack!  Most people do not have a high-definition ass.  It is sad but true.  And sadder still that it was left up to kabuki to tell this to them.  It is a lonely road kabuki walks, but at least i know were it is headed.  Yes dear readers, it seems kabuki is finally headed towards Happytown.  Unpleasantville will soon glimpse kabukis' fine white ass for the last time as it heads west, with all matter of  accoutrements.  And kabuki will not be inserting any of them into any part of kabukis' body. And should kabuki accidentally fall on one of them while naked, kabuki will have the good sense to unplug the webcam first.  It has been said before, and now it is said again, "I don't do shows.  I am an artiste."  adieu

a confused kabuki sits quietly

kabuki has questions.  So many questions.  Like - does this sofa make you pee a little?  

And what about this chair?  Can you keep down the asparagus, or would this seat make you hurl?

 Kabuki has a real bug up her butt about danish modern and/or mid-century decor for the interior of the 1965 Chalet Mobile Home being readied to be the next kabuki HQ.  While kabuki knows you will never stop in - even though you are most cordially invited - kabuki still feels this decision is too weighty for just one brilliant mind (mine) to decide.  Some of you may remember the pirate furniture that won kabuki the coveted 'most hideous  furniture' award at  INFOMANIAC.  The award-winning furniture was subsequently damaged beyond repair when kabuki accidentally threw each and every piece off the second floor landing.  A subtle hint to remain on kabuki's good side, which is easy, because kabuki does not have a bad side.  The camera loves kabuki - and we are all excited with the prospect of renewing the photographic explorations of beauty and taste we are so well known for.  And kabuki is also pleased that we are referring to ourselves as 'we'.  Kabuki has gone plural - what could be next - sycophants?  Kabuki says 'bring it'.
While kabuki is in an asking mood - what type of foliage would look best in the desert? 

Kabuki is most familiar with tropical bonsais and small, ornamental  shrubbery.  All JohnDoe  can say is 'succulents - i have some in pots'.  Please remind kabuki to plant JohnDoe in a large pot, and then surround him with succulents.  In all fairness, JohnDoe also went on about a 'horsetail plant', which kabuki feels is one of the most unattractive plants found in nature.  It looks like it has just been mowed, sort of '12th hole fairway'.  Anyway - don't bring one within ten feet of kabuki - or kabuki will bonsai it.  And not in the good way.  OK, everybody remember your homework,  kabuki awaits your vital input.  bye-bye

Friday

the golden age of kabuki

whenever people get together and the subject turns to kabuki (aand lets face it, kabuki as a topic of conversation has saved many a gathering), oft times there is pondering upon kabukis' Golden Age or period au,  if you will. the early years - a kabuki driven by creativity itself.  unable to be anything but kabuki.  was that the best period?  perhaps the blue period - kabuki struck down by unknown ailments, walking with a cane and self-medicating like crazy.  many people prefer the later years - house-bouncing, car-selling, shopaholic with an eye towards cashmere and diamond-encrusted 18k gold.  this period is the kabuki-against-the-world period, a certain ominious presence can be felt underneath much of the work of this time.  Personally, speaking strictly for kabuki and myself  (for sometimes we are two and sometimes we are one) the golden age of kabuki is ahead.  many things to do, see, and make up wildly inappropriate stories about.  knowing there is a tomorrow allows kabuki some glimmer of hope, a bright light in the distance. kinda like the one that always shines through the curtains directly into your eyes whenever you stay in a cheap hotel.  research done by kabuki intimates that this is required by the shadow-government.  kabuki would venture a guess that the shadow-government is comprised of people with no more sense the the people in the real government.  what happened to the lizard overlords?  they were supposed to be clever. although most of the iguanas i met are a bit lethargic.  could the lizard overlords be behind global warming?  are their scaly hands involved in last years stink-bug invasion.  kabuki is still finding stinkbugs in the house.  stuck my hand in my bathrobe pocket - et viola - a stinkbug.  kabuki has a difficult time relaxing as it is, what with overlords and shadow governemnts.  (hint:  hush money would provide a change of topics)  kabuki does not need to stop the chillaxing process to wash one's hands and lounge garments.  perhaps it is all being orchestrated by the far left coast - in order to speed up my right coast departure.  please know that kabuki is working day and nite, (up to 4 hours a day sometimes) to get over there.  it is not kabuki's responsibility to save hollywood - both television and movies - from utter boredom.  get johnny depp to remake some old french film.  maybe matt damon could take a break from appearing in every movie made (shades of micheal caine), and pen another buddy-with-brains movie.  what is jon voight up to?  people of the west, kabuki cannot do it alone.  (actually kabuki can do it alone - but kabuki refuses)  do not let kabuki show up to find everyone just laying about.  kabuki don't do siestas.  but a glass of sangria sounds nice, and perhaps one of those warm pork salad sandwiches.  until next time - my darlings - know that your are in my heart and my mind.  so stop making so much noise when kabuki is tring to nap.