It's a boy Mrs Walker, it's a boy!

kabuki was recently sitting in a piano bar in Palm Springs with one of kabuki's imaginary friends.  kabuki calls him Eddie Fingers.  kabuki and Eddie go way back, but even Eddie will admit that kabuki is a mystery wrapped in a silk conundrum.  "Tell me something" spouts Eddie.  Although imaginary friends are never hard to find - they cannot hold their liquor worth a damn.  "What would you like to know, Mr Fingers?" kabuki replied inbetween sips of a delicious beverage.  "A story, tell us a story" Eddie pleaded.  Eddie can be quite single-minded when hammered, kabuki felt it best to comply.  Plus kabuki likes to comply with other peoples wishes at least once a season.  It shows kabuki's inner child, that frail willed angel of sweetness that we all adore.  Yes even kabuki adores kabuki, and how could he not?

It was the 80's and kabuki was appearing at the Hollywood Bowl, theorectically as the opening act for The Talking Heads.  Everyone knew that kabukis' band. kabuki and the excessive pleasures, was the real reason anyone who was anyone would show up.  In the 80s anyone who was anyone were important people to have on your team.  If you catered to such behaviour - which kabuki did not.  The place was packed, the show was memorable, yadda yadda yadda.  However - unbeknownst to kabuki trouble was afoot.  Gunter - our neo-nazi stagehand was preparing an eventful evening - undoubtably to cull favor with the many skinheads that frequented The Hollywood Bowl,  A group of none, but Gunter was no rocket scientist.  Gunter could barely separate out the brown M&Ms, which he coveted.  Also Gunter was Egyptian - so there was much confusion about his name.  Many pregnant women were given weird pills by their doctors at this time, maybe that influenced Cleopatra. (kabuki is guessing his mom was named Cleopatra, as there is no proof) 

Anywho, Gunter was ahead of his time in one respect.  He had collected a large number of kittens who look like hitler.  (they are called kitlers - don't ask how kabuki knows)  Gunter planned to release these ferocious felines during the high point of the evening, thus wrecking havoc on the post-modern punk stylings of kabuki and the excessive pleasures.  It bears repeating that Gunter was an idiot.  Meanwhile kabuki is onstage performing the closing number of the set.  kabuki believes it was 'Windmills of Your Mind'.  The band played a toy piano and a slightly de-tuned bassoon.  kabuki was wearing a delicious Vivienne Westwood kimono.  It was made entirely of boy scout neckerchiefs and safety pins.  kabuki was mad mad mad for Vivienne Westwood during the 80s. ( kabuki blames the drugs )  Realizing that time is indeed fleeting, Gunter leaps into action.  He releases the kittens onstage, they head towards kabuki at top speed (note: kittens love kabuki).  The bassoon player steps forward to avoid trampling a little hitler kitty.  He steps on the back of kabuki's kimono - several safety pins let loose - and kabuki moons The Hollywod Bowl.  To the sound of "Windmills of Your Mind".  Pandemonium?  HA - it took 30 minutes to calm the crowd to pandemonium levels (kabuki has a fine caboose).  kabuki does not know how The Talking Heads set went that evening, as kabuki had some business to attend to.  Suffice it to say Gunter was never seen again.  And no one can really say why David Byrne wrote "Psycho Killer" soon after.  It probably has nothing to do with kabuki, or that night.  But some still say when the moon is high and the wind is low - if you listen very hard - you can still hear the pitter patter of little kitty hitlers across the stage.


Beauty is as beauty does, or so they tell kabuki.  Actually they shout it as the Zero Limousine races by.  kabuki races almost everywhere these days, such is the life of a gigastar.  Appearances, charity functions ET CETERA.  If kabuki has to change kimonos in the back of a maybach landaulet one more time - let us just infer that some orphans may go without christmas this year.  People it is all just too much.  For you HAHAHA - sorry a little megalomania peeked out.  People often ask kabuki, they say "kabuki - how does one achieve giga-stardom.?"  kabuki kindly replies "kabuki achieves it naturally, you personally can only hope for divine intervention".  Best to let them down softly, as kindness is kabuki's bread and butter.  Beauty was born on kabuki and fame was soon thrust at kabuki - much like a peodphiles weeney.  How was kabuki able to survive so many years of absolute stardom without ending up in a rubber room.  First - rubber rooms smell funny, and kabuki dislikes offensive smells (incentive one).  Second - they rarely send out your kimonos for proper cleaning and repair when you are in the rubber room hotel (incentive two) Third - let us just say that kabuki is stong minded.  But really  - the dirty kimonos were the deal breaker.
So what have we learned?  We know now that kabuki handles the stress of stardom gracefully, gazelle like even.  We also know kabuki does it for the children.  So if you are an awkward teen, desiring to present the same magnificient visage as kabuki, let kabuki give you loving words of advice.  "Bitch - kabuki got this,  Go be you before kabuki makes you bonsai food".


these are the times that fry mens souls

kabuki has come to you today dear readers, with a matter most important.  Having felt poorly for a couple of days, faced with plumbing woes, a shortfall of cash - and frankly, more troubles that one cares to mention in mixed company.  kabuki was laying in kabuki's extremely comfortable (and color-coordinated) bed ruminating on oh so many things troubling, when it smacked kabuki like a wet fish.  kabuki does not care for smackings directed in kabuki's direction, it must be said.  Sufficiently medicated, munching on a frozen girl scout cookie (don't ask), an epiphany of sorts was had.  Aliens, california's elephant in the room, were the cause of kabukis' problems.  Kabuki knows you are thinking Norwegians - and kabuki will admit that Norwegians are a scurrilous lot, but naynay dear reader, not this time.  Space Aliens - probably Martians - are the crux of the dire situation.  kabuki was discussing this very dilemna with Felix in Hollywood earlier today.  Felix and kabuki both agreed on two key points: 1;  Aliens seem to favor the desert  2.  Aliens probably don't like to feel clammy.  Both points kabuki is sure the reader will agree with.  That is why kabuki favors the readers, because they are an agreeable lot.  As opposed to Space Aliens, who may well having been adjusting the thermostat in kabuki's very own GE Profile refridgerator.  As you may recall - that baby has like 8 lightbulbs.  Was it the bright light beaming from kabuki's  unit as kabuki concocted a late-nite snack?  There is not one shred of evidence to prove otherwise.  And why the fascination with all things kabuki?  (I kid)  Most sentient beings are fascinated by the giga-star kabuki, and all of the kabuki goings-on.  Who could blame them, really?  kabuki has exciting, adrenaline racing, miss the bus fun goings on.  Whether perusing the neighbor's garbage (cleverly set out as yard sale goods), going toe to toe with recalcitrant hummingbirds (kabuki relocated their feeder), even explaining food safety to a misinformed poodle.  People - normal people - do not have the type of day kabuki frequently has.  kabuki fears they would not last a week in kabuki's shoes.  (did you know kabuki has very attractive feet?  thought so)   Pardon - wandered a little off-topic there.  It is because kabuki cares so much, and out of that caring comes sharing.  kabuki is a fountainhead of information.  Both pleasant and not.  For kabuki pulls no punches my reader.  That is how sports injury happen.  So like kabuki was saying - can kabuki's dearest friend carry-on a large crystal chandelier when he flies coach cross-country?  Are crystal chandeliers considered threatening weapons?  Surely not to kabuki, who has a mirrored dining room that positively screams 'chandelier me'.  kabuki suggested stretching fabric over the bottom of the device, upending it, and now you have a crystal parasol.  And if the airlines have a policy regarding crystal parasols- well kabuki will never fly coach again.  (like kabuki was gonna fly coach - HA)