Friday

And as always, decorum is the key


As this tasteful year tastefully exits (stage keft), kabuki recalls with great fondness the many blessings of tastefullness that were so tastefully placed before us.  One can only dream that 2011 will take an abrupt 180, and head towards uncharted water as fast and she can hoist her missen-mast.  Yes, fellow travelers, 2011 is feminine.  With femininity cames great beauty, love overflowing, and sometimes pizza, pretzels and chocolate ice cream at 3 am.  Like you were going into work anyway.  You don't have a thing to wear, everything just hangs off your svelte frame, and even though they should be jealous - the other years just love you anyway.  Except that weird 2012, nobody knows what his problem is, but many feel it could be rectified with a little old custom we call frontal lobotomy.  It has really fallen out of favor, go figure.  As kabuki was shopping today (trying to fill that void that exists when you are not near) kabuki ran into many people who were not using the front of their brains at all.  Some did not use much of the back part either.  Whike kabuki is a lifesaver, kabuki is not medically certified to say these people were 'brain inert total crap heads' (or bitchs)  But experience allows kabuki to have a medical opinion.  They can't take that away from me.  Not until they pry the stethoscope out of my cold, dead  hands.  Why are deads peoples' hands always cold?  kabuki would venture that if were were dead in oh, let's say the front lobby of a Target, they would actually be quite warm.  As kabuki was earlier today.  While checking out I spied the cutest little re-usable bag on the counter.  "Are these on sale?" kabuki sweetly intoned.  "Why yes, they have been marked down, and we are trying to move them out" the 16 year-old cashier informed kabuki.  (kabuki did not know the 16  year old cashiers were part of the sales strategy - that store is obviously going places).  "May I have one?" kabuki demurred.  Women, even young girls, absolutely love when kabuki demurrs.  It is a gift.  "Only one?" the target cashier/marketing executive questioned.  "Yes, let's share with everyone" kabuki intoned, because sharing is just another part of giving.  kabuki is a world-class giver.  So sally sweetbread places the now purchased re-usable shopping bag into a plastic shopping bag.  This has been happening to kabuki all over town.  Are they too nice to use?  One cashier suggested kabuki might be purchasing the .99 cent bag as a gift.  Right when kabuki was going to school the cashier-ette a voice rang out "Hey, don't I know you?"  It was my sister - the demon from the downstairs of my nightmares.  kabuki wonders if my family has taken to following me now that I am flush.  Good luck to them.  A more probable reason is she has probably been barred from the local grocery stores (for criminal act upon foodstuffs).  It didn't matter, the momemt was lost, the cashiers' eyes were glazed, and kabuki made a hasty retreat.  So it continues.  Next time - how kabuki, in a moment of quiet restraint fell out of the office chair - for no apparent reason at all.  I suspect magnetic interference.   So until then is now, and now is then.  HAPPY NEW YEAR to my many (all 17) readers.  kabuki zero

Wednesday

2010 - kabuki wraps it up

mens and ladies, welcome to the year as i saw it, which is pretty much how it happenend.  yes folks, not too many hallucinations this year (damn), there's always next year. stayed somewhere awful, lost my home, now live somewhere horrible.  from super-megastar to scullery maid to a dispassionate cook - it should happen to a dog.  no, really - they are horrible with kitchen cleanup.  i read it somewhere.  my internet access went kablooey, then a small desktop pc accident, finally wrapping up with a netbook failure.  anybody wanna borrow my lucky penny?  kabuki remained bitter yet depressed thru this period, although there were brief moments when my hair looked fantastic.  life's little miracles, huh.  finally - it happened.  kabuki got her fibromyalgia disability case settled with the big ole gov't (watch out insurance company - you are next).  while most of the 8 years of non-work will not be retro-actively paid there will still be enough money to relocate to a warmer, drier climate.  kabuki is in the process of making preparations.  it will be an exciting year for all of us, because kabuki is sure to see wonders, and probably make up some shit as well.  what - like you're gonna stop me.  come on and bring it.  kabuki is like the cool breeze, here then gone.  like the mist coming off the lake.  unless that lake smells like dead fish, because kabuki would not feature that aroma.  like a lotta things, yes kabuki is like that.  many layers, subtle harmonies, a melody you can't quite remember.

This year came and went so badly, it was hard to find pleasure.  but here are some things i favored:
cooking outdoors.  silk pajamas.  godiva dark chocolate.  pot roast w/ winter vegetables.  hot air balloons (viewed from the ground.  kabuki gets vertigo BIG TIME) watching jewelry auction television.  hot bubble baths with a good comic book. listening to my parrot, who mostly speaks when i am in another room.  old friends.  finding out an old flame is still alive - and looking like hell.  really nice bed linens.  and getting my very own blog, happy one year anniversary to the man who told the world.  one day soon i will post the picture that inspired the title.  kabuki is back on the path, and you are gonna get to come along.  even though not one person gave me candy or flowers all year.  bastards.  but this is a time of celebration.  revenge is best served with a side of kabuki.

Here is my latest obsession, viewed via http://www.hulu.com/
The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers is a web series about two groups of rival dancers: heroes (The League of Extraordinary Dancers) and villains (The Alliance of the Dark) who discover they have superpowers through their dance abilities The entire story takes place over hundreds of years, beginning in the 1920s up to the year 3000.

Eye candy, ear candy, head candy.  If i could do anything at all - i would want to be smack in the middle of this production.  please give it a look.  how often does kabuki beg?  you don't want kabuki to re-enact scenes on your front lawn.  or maybe you do - you are a litlle freaky.  anyway - kabuki is back, kabuki is primed, and kabuki is happy.  what can you make from that?

Friday

The importance of good dental care.

Happy Holidays to all my internet mystery guests.  Having successfully chewed thru my restraints kabuki is once again free to mingle with the peasants.  And you as well, surely you knew I was speaking of them.  And they know who they are.  bastards!  keep kabuki off the internet?  kabuki will make wikileaks look like a pancake social.  kabuki knows things, trust me on this.  also, kabuki has no problem making things up.  before you know it - down will be up, kabuki's megastar status will be recognized, and i shall continue to place my size 7 foot againt the asses of the wrong-doers. rest assured my lovelies, it was one hard-ass fight, but kabuki prevailed. i have regained my independence, and am heading west as soon as possible.  How exiciting.  for me.  and what lessons may be learned as i travel across this great land.  by others, i am thru learning.  but not thru teaching, as i have a gift. for mankind. it is the kabuki way, and i shall delight in sharing it with you so very soon,  beacuse as you may have noticed AS I SAY IT LOUD - I AM BACK AND I AM PROUD.                        much love for now and ever - kabuki zero

Thursday

Matters of Pertinance


Food. let's discuss. me first. pudding is disgusting. kabuki had a roommate that made pudding constantly. icky bowls of gelatinous sludge adorned kabuki's fridge. he (who shall remain nameless) would wait until the pudding skinned over before consuming. he (the nameless one) would treat the congealed outer surface like a 'pudding rollup'. kabuki felt it was a pudding scab. strangely enough, kabuki adores the occasional custard. and there you are.
Halloween. again, me first. many of you are consumed with angst, what is driving these tremors and facial tics you ask? you await this year's halloween chic. all things aquatic my lovelies. flounder, sea horse, anenome, let your mind wander. on the planet green network (a completely gay nat geo clone) they have been showing the sea shows on constant rotation. their programming manager Suzie B. has even been showing glimpses of next season at her beach house. Yes people, Suzie shows sea shows at the sea shore. (stop me!) kabuki has selected her costume after watching one of the above mentioned water programs. there exists a species of octopus which navigates through the briny deep by waving its flippers, which are located where its ears should be (if octopi had ears). it is even featured on a commercial. it is creepy and beautiful at the same time. (haunting) perfect for kabuki's megastar profile. kabuki even figured out the mechanics of the working ear flaps for the costume. anybody disturbed yet?

Entertainment. me again. everybody with ears (brilliant segue-way bukes!) should give a listen to The Lisp's monthly playlists. both january and june 2010 made me yearn for an additional sensory organ, and kabuki does not say that everyday, believe you me.  another show on planet green network 'the beekman boys' was briefly viewed by myself. can anyone guess which beekman boy kabuki would drown in their very own farmhouse sink? ick ick ick

Lifestyle. kabuki firmly believes everyone should have one. if you are lacking either life or style - please get with the program. you are ruining it for everyone. kabuki gives loving criticism only when awake, so some poor souls miss out. that is why from time to time kabuki will give general guidelines for living (tips for happiness) here in this blog. because you get what you pay for. sometimes. and that is just the best anybody could hope for. that, and falling down donald trump's stairs. cause that bitch would be carrying kabuki's handbag. until kabuki fired him. kissey bye byes - kabuki zero

Wednesday

Mrs Lunch Lady, my entree threw-up on my potato.

The mega-star known as kabuki is visiting friends in maryland and kabuki has taken over the laptop while the ladies prepare lunch.  It harkens kabuki back to the days of kabuki's youth, when lunch lady had a completely different meaning entirely.  Oh the grey-haired hairnetted providers of nutrious and wholesoome fare.  Or not.  My high school cafteria has a machine similar to wendy's frosty machine.  That place made a fortune of those little frozen chocolate num-nums.  I still want a frosty machine in my bedroom, although it is probably too hot in there for it to work properly.  POW! Theres' one for you.  As you can tell from the attached photo - kabuki is waving from the buduoir.  What a lovely collection of stuff, as you can see, kabuki is still arranging the various and assorted items that make up bedroom madness.  Those of you with sparse yet elegant bedrooms can bite kabuki's lovely white ass.  And don't say hoarder, because it is simply untrue.  Most of the items I have are lovely gifts for you, and others like you who may show up at my door at any time.  See - thoughtful to a fault.  I give and give, because kabuki is a giver.  And now I must dash - dinner is hot off the grill,  just wanted a more upbeat blog.  Be well, and know that you are much loved.  kabuki byebye

Monday

The blues is the new black


kabuki visits the dark side


kabuki knows love does not exist, at least for kabuki. half my life wasted on chasing love, the other half wasted on waiting to be chased. kabuki would gladly trade 'love' for a nice ham sandwich. kabuki knows that heaven does not exist, at least for kabuki. kabuki's near death experiences brought no white light, no inner peace, no loved ones waving. it was just the end. like turning off a light. kabuki knows doing right because it is the right thing to do is bullshit. Over and over examples of people doing wrong and succeeding are proof enough (madoff, hitler, blood diamond merchants). karma is nonsense. kabuki does not believe people are basically good. there may have been a time when this was true - but not in kabuki's lifetime. kabuki does not believe that honesty is the best policy. there are so few honest people in kabuki's life experience. and as for the meek inheriting the earth - by the time the non-meek are done with it it won't be worth a damn. kabuki envisions a radio-active cinder. enjoy.

THISJUST IN;

kabuki has apparently bitch-slapped kabuki's face for being such a downer.  Way to suck all the air out of a room buki - nice job. At this time kabuki would like a box of Godiva chocolates and a glass of champagne.  Or a glass of merlot and a pot-brownie.  And to humbly apologize for being such a weenie. Now lets all put on a fez, and party like its 1999.  I promise to be back soon,and happier then ever.  Even if it means kabuki has to cut a bitch (or two).  All in a day's work for a mega-star.  much lovies - kabuki zero      

Zero News Alert: MAN BITES GOD !


Kabuki begs forgiveness for the unavoidable absence. Few people know that kauki was raised in spanish harlem. It was a sad childhood, wandering the streets in a tattered kimono, wearing the same kabuki wig for days at a time. While this did serve to steel kabuki's ambition to become a superstar, it was a long and winding road. Makes me want to sing, as many people know kabuki has a lovely singing voice.
Once megastardom was thrust kabukis' way it became time to put away such foolish notions like singiing for fun. God forbid some tabloid publish my unique vocalizations of some familiar tune. Next thing you know everybody's singing my version of 'Scary Monsters'. Trust me when I say David Bowie does not need this type of aggravation. So anyway, like I was saying, it occurs to me that very soon(as in very soon) kabuki
will join the public and regain the coveted DSL access to the webbernet. It may only be days before I can bug you peopleona MUCH more frequent basis. This is only one of the exciting things kabuki is planning. If you have anything important to do, now is the time. Don't blame me if you miss your own wedding because you are glued to the computer screen. I gave you plenty of time off this summer, so no whining. But currently I must dash, so until next time, when we will discuss the member of out blog community who is secretly the heir-apparent to the Vespa scooter fortune, kabuki bids adieu





Friday

Is it time to calibrate kabuki's imagination?


kabuki was daydreaming, waiting for sleep to come. kabuki had moved west. kabuki was helping the local theatre by working as a wardrobe stylist - but only part-time. kabuki knew that to show up all the time would only result in some nincompoop hitting kabuki with the white-hot spotlight. Then kabuki would wax philosophically whether it was reasonable to trains wildebeests to use a littler box. Kabuki was going to have them hunt for and ingest tanzanite, which kabuki would sell in front on WalMart. (tanzanite girls say "hey") You see kabuki would realize the intestinal juices of the wildebeest would only heighten the beauty of the tri-chroic gemstone. Then kabuki would stop, walk off the stage, and slap the playwright into the fall season.

"Sheesh", kabuki said while departing, "Who writes this crap?"

Monday

I will drink your cup of poison…


I will drink your cup of poison…

Unless it is a MacDonald’s frappe, because they are just plain nasty. So anyway, many people ask kabuki – they say “kabuki – you live a life of glamorous abandon, how do you do it?” Nosy little bastards (kabuki thinks to self). The answer is pure simplicity itself. De-clutter, pare down, have more by having less. Simplify. Of course that is not how kabuki does it, but you might give it a try. kabuki is not a role model, all kabuki needs is a run on kabuki wigs – and then my heaven is gone. But kabuki will let you in on the secret only because you are special to kabuki. Complete denial – kabuki lives a life of complete denial. Not saying kabuki denies self – that would just be ignorant. No no dear friend, kabuki pays no attention to distracting truths. Information that contradicts kabuki’s views or opinions are avoided and/or discounted. You would be amazed how much stress is avoided using this simple tenet. And it only becomes easier as you get better at denying the reality. Bonus – it tends to make people around you just a little more crazy! (I know – no down side) Feel free to shop around, but kabuki is sure you will return time and again to kabuki’s unique way of surviving. Some may even thrive, you get what you give. So give yourself permission to finally realize that you have been right all along. Unless you disagree with kabuki – in which case you are an idiot. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

On a completely different note kabuki was watching a missing persons show recently. It seems a 10 year old girl was missing. A young tow-headed lass, she was good in school, went to church, did volunteer work, and helped take care of the family’s horses. (kabuki thought ‘what a little angel’.) And she spent her spare time on her hobby – writhing. kabuki did not even know that writhing was considered a hobby. Kids these days. Anyway if you come across a little blonde girl writhing on the floor alert the authorities, because her folks want her back. Until next time - kisses

Tuesday

I'm not an actor, but I play one on television

Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!  Madness is about and we must flee for our lives. I blame it on the heat.  Today as I sat in a sweet little internet cafe (McDonalds) I witnessed a woman pickup her little baby, look it in the face and proclaim "Mommy's not crazy, no she is not".  Obviously a lie to put the toddler at ease.  Shortly thereafter, every male seated in the estblished began to belch loudly.  kabuki may never return, as kabuki left skid marks on the linoleum exiting the building.  But on to HOLLYWOOD NEWS.  kabuki has noticed the accolades and such heaped upon Felix, and not being jealous at all, kabuki will provide HOLLYWOOD NEWS to drum up a little support.  Take a good look at my photo people, does that look like a happy, mentally-stable kabuki?  I didn't think so either.  So on to HOLLYWOOD NEWS.
Sources say there are no plans to bake bannana bread with a file in it for the lovely has-been Lindsy Lohan.  It looks like a timeout in the slammer is in store for our leggings queen.  so sad. or not.
 MJ will neither confirm or deny rumors that she has been in talks to play the lead in the desperately awaited sequel to AVATAR, tentatively titled AVASTAR. (she is a shoe-in for the goddess role)  Sources do state that she has been away from her canadian mansion plenty this summer. 
Felix will direct and star in a way-off broadway musical salute to 'Laverne & Shirley'.  He will play Squiggy - and there is no doubt a film version will follow. Lets hope he directs the film version as well.
Donna Lethal is all over HOLLYWOOD, wearing a different designer each and every day. It is reported that Vera Wang and Vivienne Westwood had a hair-pulling cat-fight in London's Heathrow Airport all the while screaming "Bitch - she's mine".  Rumors are she favors vintage Galliano, but she has been spotted in Norma Kamali as well.  Stay tuned readers- this is sure to heat up.
Kabuki will revisit her role in "The Glass Menagerie", but only because kabuki likes to say "but mama, I'm crippled". Not a dry eye was seen in Grumans Chinese Theatre - which has been remodeled just for the two-week run.  Is a sidewalk star of fame in kabukis' future. Duh.
An unnamed male star has stated that his name and the phrase 'deep passage' are not to be used in the same sentence ever again!  Lawsuits at the ready for this sad little boy.

Tune in next week, HOLLYWOOD NEWS is always fresh, current, and completely made up.  kisseys

Thursday

I should really stay in more

I was out in the front yard, stripped to my shorts, washing out an old upright freezer.  I had discarded it only to have my downstairs relations decide it must be theirs.  It was 100 degrees and kabuki was sweating like a whore in church. (i never understood that reference).  It was such a disgusting event that when kabuki finished the cleaning the shorts worn for the event went into the trash.  kabuki went into the shower, and tried the AXE body wash someone had given to us.  It was 'glacier mint'.  Imagine washing your body with crest toothpaste, it was quite similar.  stimulating and not in a good way.  kabuki was surprised the bath poof did not melt. kabukii will save the rest of the AXE body wash for when kabuki needs to wash off nuclear waste.  it could happen. 
kabuki was recently discussing houseboats with Felix.  kabuki has a fascination with houseboats.  Felix mentioned the H word might present problems.  I realize now he meant hoarding (which kabuki does NOT DO).  At the timethough, kabuki was perplexed.  The H word - kabuki pondered.  Handsome?  Is kabuki too handsome to live on a houseboat?  What kind of stupid law is that?  It's not like kabuki would select minnesota (land o' lakes), and that would be the only water bound state retarded enough to put that law on the books.  Did Felix mean Hermaphrodites?  What is their interest in houseboats.  They are water creatures, naturally drawn to the pure and calming nature of the wet stuff.  But they don't need houseboats.  They are aquatic, like mermaids.  (most people do not know these things)  Finally kabuki decided the Felix meant hutzspah - which Felix has in spades.  Dashing yet another one of kabukis' dreams.  Some people just cannot handle joy in others.  It makes them crazy.  And yet - my joy continues.  So there, crazy people.  kabuki must remain joyous.  like a flock of angels woould be.  if angels come in a flock. kabuki doesn't know.  cuz there's never a bunch of angels around when you need them.  they could have been very handy when i was scrubbing that freezer down.  they could have held the hose for kabuki. or something.

I should really get out more.

I was standing naked in the bathroom shaving my head when I thought ' this is just a little too "Taxi Driver" for me'.  But how does one stop mid-shave?  At my age -rather than appear neo-punk hardcore fashion victim - kabuki would appear more to have  suffered an unfortunate accident with a weed whacker.  And while kabuki doesn't mind  appearing completely insane - kabuki really had no where to go. Another desperate look wasted.  I could dash off to the pet store - but really - when was the last time you startled an iguana?  It is not so very rewarding.  All the little fishies do is swim and poop, totally boring.  Since it is approximately 105 degrees with unbelievable humidity outside - anyone wandering around downtown Winchester is probably certifiable anyway.  kabuki refuses to waste perfect good crazy looks on insane people.  What's the point?  What's my point?  The point is this - kabuki has to get the hell out of this one horse town. Go west- that's what they keep saying.  Felix wants me in Palm Springs. I think he wants to kill me, then bury me in the desert.  But he is so busy - when would he find the time.  Meanwhile kabuki is looking into tricking out a golf cart and selling sno-cones in front of the local strip mall. Another dear friend has offered Albaquerque, but kabuki can't even spell that one.  And what of the scorpions.  You know between the heat and the excess drugs dropped by desert smugglers the scorpions are not right in their little scorpion heads.  Can't you just see kabuki picking off the little crazy scorpions with a 9mm semi-automatic?  The patio would be a bunch of broken tiles, spent shells, and scorpion carcasses.  Although honestly - there wouldn't be much left of the little buggers, cuz kabuki favors hollowpoints as ammo of choice.  One can hardly host a barbeque among broken patio tiles and spent shell casings.  At least it would keep the neighbors out of my reflecting pool.  Because kabuki will need a rerlecting pool.  To sit next to as I pen my memoirs.  So i better get busy making memories - so let me dash.  kisseys to all  

Tuesday

Time - (ridiculous concept at best) is getting on my nerves


Time.  I hate it.  Wasted on the young, desired by the old. Poor people don't want it, rich people crave it.  Only the idle rich really have time under control - and let's face it - you & I are about as far from that lifestyle as it is possible to be.  I wait impatitently for my life to resolve itself, only to be disappointed at each and every turn.  It is quite possible that kabuki should be depressed as fuck.  Fortunately I have decided to be the master of my own fate.  While not joyous, kabuki can still achieve an almost manic happiness.  I learned to love myself ages ago, as it became apparent kabuki required more love than was being handed out by my family and friends.  Simultaneously possesing both 'fragile ego' and 'indestructable self worth' kabuki has bounced between the highs and lows of life like a ping pong ball. Crazy or not kabuki has steadfastly continued down that long road to somewhere.  Did I say somewhere? I meant somewhere else.  kabuki has always wanted something intangible, unnamed, as yet unrecognizable.  I do hope I know it when I see it.  Because wouldn't that be a pisser?  To finally arrive at ones' destination only to stop, pee, buy a slurpee, and continue on down the road.  I must look into a karmic GPS unit.  So as to know when I have arrived.  I used to call this the 'pippin' syndrome.  To feel that there is more to life than this.  Perhaps I have been stuck in middle-age menopause since I was 12.  kabuki was always an old soul.
As you see by the attached foto, I have been dining with the feathered friends.  They don't seem to mind, and I allow them to watch kabuki.  It tends to balance out.   I watch them, they watch me.  Surrounded by flora and fauna, I guess I am never really alone.  Except in my dreams, for kabuki no longer dreams of love, lovers, and torrid nights under a desert moon.  The other evening I dreamed kabuki was driving through town in a beige buick. I really must look into some psychodelic herbs or something.  Need to liven up the unconcious mind - if you catch my drift. 
kabuki has decided that switch between me, I, and kabuki is extremely annoying.  Unfortunately kabuki has no plans to do anything about it.  For the time being.  As difficult as it is to even get a blog entry written, I will just have to put up with it.  I have never really tried to put up with myself.  kabuki may be breaking new psychological treatment protocols as we speak.  But let us never speak of it again.  I am already weary of my vast accomplishments, why add more jewels to my crown?  Although they do flatter me.  the jewels.  in my crown.  now all i need is a coat of many colors (that my momma made for me) and kabuki can safely descend into madness.  and blame it on the heat.  because it is hot.  too damn hot to wear a coat, thats for damn sure.  but as kabuki has said before (it bears reapeating) 'if you can't drag it - you shouldn't own it'.  kabuki has just decided to apply that to all aspects of life, not just outerware.  I no longer wish to own anything i can't drag.  
until we meet again, and the case if solved - i am kabuki zero.  know i am trying to rejoin the real world (both internet and face to face), and continue to wish me success in my endeavors. or not.  because kabuki is still picking them up, and setting them down.  capish? 


Thursday

suffer the little children



So sorry to be away for so long.  Heat, humidity and physical labor have conspired to keep kabuki down.  Just like the man used to down.  kabuki continues to fight (single-handedly) the evil that faces mankind.  And by that I mean of course - my sisters' kitchen.  Yesterday- sun-dried giraffe entrails with gulf-oil slick gravy. (just a guess).  Needless to say I am preparing my own delicasies upstairs.  As well as scullery maid, I cotinue to move my belongings from nextx door (old residence) to upstairs (new residence).  It is exhausting work, and if Felix says 'hoarder' one more time he is out of the will.  Just because some of us need an occasional change of clothes, it isno reason to be unkind. Perhaps if kabuki did not look so good it would be easier.  Is it my fault if designer duds love the kabuki frame?  Yes it is, and don't hate me for it.  Hate me for something else.  I don't care anymore.  I just get up everyday and make you kids breakfast.  Cold comfort, thats my thanks.  Speaking of breakfast, I tried Grape Nuts cereal the other day.  I think they mistakenly put kitty litter in my box.  Won't pull that box out for company, that's for certain.  And whileon the food theme - please help kabuki to understand.  As kabuki ate Costco pizza (it's good), a young family sat down with their pizza.  They then covered each and every slice of pizza wita a layer of pickle relish.  I said layer, like a quater of an inch thick.  And they ate every bite.  At first I thought they were from middle europe, but I later dismissed that notion.  What if they were from outer space?  That is how you tell space aliens on tv.  They are always eating something disgusting.  And it clicked. My sister - why her entire family - they could be space aliens.  I mean really - nobody cooks like her. I know, because Ihave been around.  I would say ask Felix, but he'll just say something snarky. That's why I often sing "My bologna has a first name, its F E L I X".  Then  laugh wickedly.  You  should try and laugh wickedly at least once a day. Preferably when you are alone, because that seems more devious to me.  But kabuki may be wrong (I'm not). What with the space aliens so close.  And don't worry about my lineage, I am convinced there was a mixup at the hospital where I was born.  And that hospital has since been torn down.  All very X-Files.  I would ask David Duchovny - but he is such a perv.  Another unanswered question in kabuki's life.  Such an air of mystery - I know that is what they say.  About kabuki.    Who can blame them?  So very sad. 

Best we move on. Any and all readers who may remember the Prize-winning Pirate furniture that disgraced kabuki's living room will delight to know it has moved on.  Ithrew each and every piece off the second floor porch. I then loaded the broken remains into a truck, and they were placed upon a pileof brush, soon to become a bonfire.  And what a fire it be,  as the nasty pine wood - stained poop-brown - is reduced to ashes.  I shall raise a glass, and toast my future- future unencumbered by pirate furniture.  Now to do something about those draperies.  Peop;e are breaking in to my house.  And they are leaving hideous draperies.  What can it mean, dear reader?  Is kabuki doomed to a life of ugly fabric? How  is one to look out the window.  I have been using a stick to push back the offending curtains, but surely that cannot continue.  I expect that stick to disappear any day now.  Because stuff disappears around here.  kabuki is not saying conspiracy, but I'm not NOT saying it either.  wink nudge.  And just look at my living room - my sister has 1 hour to remove this crap, or I am tie-dyeing the lot of it.  And then kabuki will feed it to goats.  So until next time, know that kabuki is doing all a superstar can do to rejoin the interweb, and live life the civilized way.  abiento.

Tuesday

IN A TOWN WITHOUT PRETTY

Two words- HA  VOC.  It has been havoc around here, in no smallt hanks to my relatives.  eeech, somebody get me a tazer.  I actually raised my voice yesterday.  Was it overcast where you were?  Now you know why.  Kabuki raised a cry to the very heavens.  I was installing the large window ac into my humble dwelling with the help (HA!) of my deranged brother. When I said "I got this bit" he stepped up and stuck his ugly mug in my face.  Let us just say heat & humidity do not love kabuki. They are jealous bitches.  Especially the hot heat, that's the worst.  But I digress:
Having been selected (again) to compete as America's Sweetheart, I had to go and see the Beauty Commission at their secret headquarters (Paris).  They were trying to head off a scandal like the one that royally fucked last years television special.  I am sure you remember (who doesn't) that kabuki was in the lead - having nailed both swim wear and evening wear - when out of the blue she was disqualified.  By the polish judge.  The one who looked like a cow.  I mean people, she mooed me.  It seems there is a little used clause that disqualifies anyone who is too beautiful, so the mortals can have a chance.  She felt my beauty was both timeless and ethereal, and thus kabuki was shown the door.  I mean,compared to her kabuki was dazzling, but she was tattered(and not in a good way).  SOOOO anyway, I had to jet to Paris - oopsy - kabuki means jet to secret location - to verify that my beauty was not off the scale (again).  Good news - kabuki is in like flint.  And just wait until they catch my talent competition entry.  This year, for talent, kabuki will time travel.  to macedonia.  to get some earthenware.  judges just love pottery.  It's as good as in the bag, which is where I would keep it, because the statuette is heinous.  Imagine a bronze erte piece. Now imagine the exact opposite.  kabuki believes you understand.  This is why I have a bag of trophies, kabuki is not one to make a display.  kabuki is one with the little man.  the common man.  the everyday joe.  just remember NO TOUCHY FEELY STUFF!  Or kabuki will beat you with a bag of beauty trophies.  and that won't be pretty. trust.  kisses till soon.
ps  Felix and kabuki were discussing someone kabuki dislikes.  Felix postulated it was because we are similar.  kabuki is taking up a collection to have Felix's head examined - because he is surely out of his mind on this one.  KTHXBAI

Wednesday

I'd like to teach the world to sing

greetings from me & mine to you & yours.  Spring is upon us like a cheap cologne, and kabuki can once again hear the murmurings.  To be loved is divine, and better yet to be loved from afar. Makes cleanup a breeze - if you get my drift.  Yet I feel Iwould be remiss if kabuki did not address the question asked every spring. "May we please erect a monument in your honor?"  Well- if wouldn't be the first thing kabuki had erected- if you see where I'm going.  I know your love for kabuki is endless - like a Glen Beck show, but without the stupidity.  Are you smelling what kabuki is cooking.  I realize the need to give back, to honor, to make substantial offerings to the one that is moi.  How could you not?  I've known me longer,and I give myself prezzies frequently.  I just ate a glazed donut.  It was a gift. A delicious gift, and how could I refuse?  Kabuki is not wired that way. Are you picking up what kabuki is laying down?  How can I deny humanity?  What gives me the right to torment?  Where am I going with this message to the masses?  Let me explain it simply.  kabuki is both honored and humbled by this request.  But to allow such worship would allow some to feel more pleasure than others.  "I live near the kabuki statue, you do not.  you suck" Can you feel the shame, the emptiness - oh the humanity.  Plus I have no doubt that property values near my edifice would skyrocket, allowing only the Donald Trumps of the world access.  It's just so hard.  How to giveand give back simultaneously.  Fortunately kabuki has the brains to backup the looks. No thanks necessary - its just part of being a 'total  package'.  (and still single - what!)  kabuki  has the solutionto this, and many other problems.  All you need do is ask (ahem- Mr. President).  My answer -A park.  For the children.  Because kabuki cares. For the children.  Perhaps 20 acres or so.  In every city.  For the children.  Imagine. kabuki fields. forever.

Planet Kabuki - where dreams go to misbehave

Here we are again - You and I.  I had a dream last night.  My father was brandishing a large kitchen  knife.  For some reason it annoyed me greatly.  I told him I was gonna have him put away for a long time.  How terrible am I?  Of course, you never had to eat his cooking.  I'm just sayin.  Anyway, I was a little depressed today.  I had to run some errands, take the trash to the dump, other chores too horrible  to name. OK I'll tell you. I had to stand in a line, A QUEUE, in WALMART.  Please come and kill me. Me in line at WALMART. What if someone sees me. And the cashier even engaged in small talk.  "Do you have a bunny?" she asked as she rang up my bunny pellets. "You could say that" I replied.  What is it with people and talking?  Does kabuki give off 'friendly' vibes?  You know it buddy.  I am a freakin' friend to all mankind.  Little children smile, senile old geezers wax nostalgic when they see my spry steps.And the ladies love kabuki!  LL Cool k!  rap on you planetary sensation.
  On to better discussions. My hands hurt. Alot.  All the time.  My Doctor prescribed a pill for me.  It makes me hurt everywhere else.  So now I have a choice of where to hurt. Somebody is gonna get an ass beating. I might just cancel Christmas over this one.  SO heres how it goes. I have hand pain for several days - then I say FUCK IT, take my hand meds, wait for everything else to hurt. If I learn how to hold a weapon in my feet - well then its gonna get unpleasant.  Until then I may just frown alot.  It has been slow going as I move into my new kauki lounge.  I do not know why people flee when I move.  I relocate frequently - you think they would get used to it.  I can't help it if I have  heavy furniture.  Hit the gym a bit more often you sissies, and it won't be a problem.  Of course I can't carry a damn thing.  But I can supervise like a mad woman.  Thinking back, there are a lot of things I can do like a mad woman.  Maybe that can be the name of my one man show "Like A Mad Woman", an evening with kabuki zero.  I smell a cable series.  Everybody rush out and get HD Big Screens right now, because you will want this show to be life size or better.  That way when I tell people 'it's gonna be big', it will have the ring of  truth.  I  am counting on you, and I know you will come thru.  Also - some startup cash - just till I get the first 6 episodes in the bag.  Thanks in advance, love you long time, kabuki zero.

Tuesday

Extreme Sleep Sports

Two weeks late, and just a back view of an already seen photo.  What can possess me to be so bold, so heartless?  One brother in drug rehab, and another in ICU on life support.  My relatives will go to any extreme to avoid sending kabuki a birthday card. What a callous, selfish bunch!  And when I used my rewards card at  my pet store I naturally inquired about birthday booty.  "We don't do that anymore" they said.  "Why" I asked with tearsof disappointment burning my cheeks.  "We do other things, besides, its not just about your birthday" the evil storekeep stated.  I leaned over and whispered in his ear "that is where you are wrong. It is exactly about my birthday."  I stormed out, stopping only long enough to get the scarlet macaw screaming 'Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye!'  I do so love my work. 
Now as to my tardiness. I have been under the weather a tad.  Blame it onb the extremely beautiful spring days we have been having.  Nothing like sleeping away a lovely day.  Thank heavens I plan to live forever, so I canmake up the days I missed. Anyway - laying in my bed - ignoring the bird, who keeps saying "what are you doing?".  What a nosy creature, and if I give a smartass reply, I am sure it will repeat it in front of company.  Anyway - laying in my bed, watching the discovery channel - you are never to old to learn people - I came across a show deetailing my very symptoms. No doctor needed here, I have my answer.  DCI - decommpression illness.  The Bends.  I have never been diving in my life (it wreaks havoc on kabukis'makedup) , and yest there it its- my illness.  Logical answer - SLEEP DIVING!  I must have been craving that good old adrenalin rush, and my unconcious mind couldn't wait any longer.  Once again- people - I am on to something here. Rock climbing- ho hum!  But at night, in the dark, asleep, in your pajamas THATS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!  Sleep Hang Gliding - the wind buffeting your sleepy little face. Who is gonna wake up with a smile?  You and me - that's who.  But no bungee jumping - I may be asleep but I am not an idiot. I think.  Love to all - I strive to return to a daily adventure with you - my beloved blog beings.

Wednesday

I'll build a glass asylum (with just a hint of mayhem)

Time to address the minions.  MINIONS- look sharp!  kabuki will enlighten you, and don't cash your paychecks till saturday.  kabuki's psychic cash flow has to clear the bank. A few questions answered- then on to business.  NormaDesmond - owning an exercise video is all the exercise you need.  You are cursed with eternal beauty.Not your fault.  If they dig you up in 100 years (and they will), you will still be all cheekbones and legs.  Stephen - you will be admired by many, adored by several, loved by a few.  Many people will say 'what does he have, that we do not?'.  It is magic, and it looks good on you. kabuki has the hots for you, and knows your husband will dice up kabuki's liver.  so from afar i admire.
  OK DOKEY -people.now is the time to address our paranormal neighbors, right?  WRONG!!  There are more than enough psychic bozos spouting nonsense about 'whatever'.  Let kabuki shine the light for you.  kabuki is interested in the para-abnormal.  Do you think crazy people don't die?  You think a normal person would drag a clanking chain around a castle for 300 years?  Now you're getting it.  There is crazy on both sides of the psychic storm, and kabuki is your lightning arrestor. Why? Why you?  Why you now?  Damn - you ask alot of questions.  Who better than kabuki to navigate the unusual, the odd, the slightly freakish.  Have you met my family?  One good family reunion picture woould answer so many questions for you.  I know crazy, and it is afraid.  Afraid kabuki will take over.   Fortunately , although I have exensive management skills kabuki has no interest in 'running things'.  I literally let the crazies run th asylum.  It keeps things fresh.  I only offer advice. As a mentor. For the insane.  Lesson One- If god/dog/talking toaster tells you to kill your neighbor - say NO! BAD GOD/DOG/TALKING TOASTER!  Why let the voices be in charge.  You don't listen to anybody else, why are you listening to broccoli?  It is still your universe - even if it looks like a Tim Burton set.  Anyway - the voices won't shut up even if you do what they say.  They are like a bratty little sister.  Yak Yak Yak.  Personally - I have screeching tinnitus in my ears, I think a voice might be a refreshing change.  Work with what you got people, and when it gets to be too much - call on kabuki.  I will be there for you- always.  Because that is how it works.  OKTHXBAI

Friday

a travesty of justus

Recently I was chatting with Felix in Hollywood. The subject was yours truly so I was fully engaged. I mentioned my dropping fan numbers, he suggested that there may be people who do not care for me. What a ridiculous notion. It's like saying "You're not my type". I am too. I am everybodys' type. This is widely known. Sometimes I am troubled by peoples' faint grasp on reality. Just yesterday I was watching a show on delusions. There are people who believe the most ridiculous crap you have ever heard. Thankfully kabuki is fully grounded. Did I mention I was working on a new exercise craze? Zombie exercise. Zombie your way to fitness. Stick your arms out in front & lurch from side to side as you amble down the street in search of brains. Believe me - you could walk the length of my street and find nary a brain. It is a workout and social commentary at the same time. Just remember to moan & groan. There are several of you who will need no help there. You are already moaning - your exercise routine is half-complete. And don't you love being ahead of the curve? kabuki lives there, my street name should be Ahead of the curve Blvd. I suppose I could run around all day shouting 'I told you so!'. But I do not. Besides few people pay any attention to me. I must work on my presentation skills. Perhaps I could convert carbon dioxide into hydrocarbon fuel. That should keep them engrossed. Just have to watch my back, them dirty oil companies will not be happy. What better time to say 'fuck em'. Now I just have to get Jaguar to sign on - and I am good to go.   Next time : Ask the kabuki - a chance for the answers you need.  start thinking of your questions now.  kabuki sees some, tells some - like a friggin' psychic.  WOW

Monday

killing me softly with his thong

PEOPLE OF EARTH!  THIS IS THE BLOG OF KABUKI ZERO!  DO NOT BE AFRAID!  Or be just a little afraid, because you know the truth is coming at you.  No photo this entry, and I humbly apologize.  Been an off week, but who cares about me?  I am here to talk about YOU, the most important person in the chair you are now sitting in.  If standing - please sit down, it is impolite to read standing up.  Were you raised in a bar?  Now - on to business.  Warm weather is upon us, and that means many of you will dash off towards the local waterhole.  Before you go - a quick word.  We are all adults, we have all experienced the joys of youngness.  It is now time to behave like civilized North American Adults.  Men - that means two words => BOARD SHORTS.  Unless you are in a competitive diving event sponsored by your College - put that speedo in the trash.   Act like the man I know you can pretend to be.  Nude beaches are perfectly acceptable, board shorts are perfectly acceptable, speedos are not allowed.  Do not make me embarass you in public.  If I see you in public in a speedo - you had damn well better be sporting a french passport - OR IT IS ON!  I know I seen quite peaceful and loving, but there is another side to kabuki.  And yes, that is also my good side.  The cameras just love me. 
Now Ladies, unlessyou need to show off your new heiney tattoo (and please don't bother), there is no reason to rock a thong.  You want to wear a bikini - it better be in St. Tropez.  While on the continent please restrict yourself to a lovely two-piece with a coverup for when you are not swimming/basking.  A one piece would be refreshing unless you are Beyonce,  cuz that fool needs to cover it up.  Is no one aware of the sin of overexposure?  I know Britney, Paris & Lindsay like to flash the cooch - but are they really the role models you would choose.  Sophia Loren never shot a beaver, and she is doing just fine - thank you very much.  I hate to bring you people down - but every summer becomes more like an outdoor shooting of 'Jerry Springer' and I know you didn't all grow up in back-water mobile home parks.   Is it not time for a safer, gentler summer?  Do we need daisy-dukes, camel-toes, banana-hammocks to express our individual beauty?  Kabuki says no, and hopes you do as well.  Your joy at regaining your humanity  is all the thanks I require.  Although 10s and 20s go along way as well.  I am redecorating y'know.  And kabuki on a budget is a sad, sad thing to see. So until next time, keep the love alive - and have a little fun.  tata    

Thursday

Frisky felons unite, let us raise our glasses high


Another day in the life of kabuki zero. Some say legend, others say superstar. I will let you choose your own superlative for moi. (be nice) Yesterday I broke the unwritten law. I sold some of my jewelrys. You should never ever do that, but these are troubling times. I blame Hitler. He was bad and now he is dead, and I lay the blame at his little Nazi feet. (fat bastard) Appropriately attired I set off for the local jewelery buy/swap/sell store. (ick) I had been there when it was just a 'sell' store - apparently it has branched out. I walk in. There is an enormous Vuitton bag on the counter. A little man is trying to sell it. He is the store owner - and he has on way too much jewelry. And if kabuki thinks it is too much - oy vey! I walk over to him as the Vuitton customer declines to purchase said bag. "How much for the Vuitton bag?" I ask smartly. "A Grand" says little jewelry man. "Seems kinda low" I state to him. "Oh, it is $2700 at the LV shop" he says. Apparently I have passed the "Thousand Dollar Handbag" test. I guess if I had shrieked and looked stunned he would have escorted me out. "I would like to sell a few items" says I, reaching into my pocket. I noticed him eyeballing my diamond ring. "Not that" says I. Out comes a velvet box. I offer up my wedding band, a diamond cross, some little baubles. He picks up the cross "I am looking for larger stones" he says. He is wearing nothing larger than a .25 carat. But I would estimate he has on 10 carats of bling. (eeech) "That is .50 carat of white diamonds in 18K white gold" says me to little lord bling, "Give it back to me". and back into the velvet box it goes. I sell the assorted rings and such for some much needed cash. Thank god I switched to 18K gold years ago - or I would not have got a thin dime from that man. I notice the rolex watches in the case. "Would you like to see one of them?" he grins at me. "I have one thanks" I casually mention as I peer into his beady eyes. His salesperson hollers from across the store "the bank is on line one, they must speak to you before noon". He excuses himselfs and then stands directly in front of me as he speaks loudly into the phone. "Hi Brenda, did I overdraw again? My bad, just take Ten Thousand out of the other account to cover it. Thanks, bye". Who was that little display for, I wondered. Me, the salesperson, maybe even himself. I thank him, he thanks me, and I head off to Walmart to buy an installation kit for an icemaker, and a spline tool so I may re-screen the screen door. Several errands later I hit McDonalds with my netbook, and find out I am a big winner. I splurge and have french fries instead of salad. What decadence. I must still be dizzy from all those little diamonds shining at me this morning. I wonder if the jeweler makes the staff call him 'Mo Shiny Dee' or 'twinkle cracker'. I must stop in again soon. And remember to take my Vuitton shoulder bag. I have not played 'austentacious kingpin in years'. I am definitely going to need new flip-flops. Damn - I have to go back to Wal-Mart. It will have to be tomorrow. Today I must go downstairs and see what my sister has done to the kitchen. Smoothie all over the counter, and last night's dinner still hangs in the air. Let me hazard a guess. If you soaked a llama in raw sewage and then cremated the ass-end using a frypan, yes, I am going with that. Until we meet again fair reader - keep up the good fight, be kind to strangers, and put on something sparkly. I know I will.

Wednesday

At long last - RECOGNITION - A beacon of taste and glamour

a winning combination of beauty and luxury!
First, I am humbed and horribly troubled.  Why would I allow the huddled masses to peer into my living room.  Because I can, and because I care. First - the dog is not dead - he is sleeping.  He likes to sleep, and he is good at it. Been sleeping for 15 years.  It is what keeps him young.  He is resting in advance of physical exertion.  Like eating, or finding somewhere else to sleep.  Second - I found the lamp somewhere - and I screamed. This is the ugliest lamp ever - it will come in handy.  I had not found the correct shade when the contest was announced, so it went nude.  It doesn't work anyway - some lamp-hater cut off the cord.  I think being non-functional adds to its allure.  Third - if no one has ever brought ugly furniture to your home- well how sad is that?  Call me, maybe we can work something out.  In the mean time - before you throw the first stone, look around, and pick one out that will really fly.   Beccause good neighbors are hard to find, and if I ever visit your house you may rest assured that I shall be leaving an item of indescribable attractiveness tucked away somwhere.  As any really nice guest would.  I have been leaving little mirror balls behind, but now, as a contest winner, I may have to step up my game.  I welcome the challenge, and i fully intend to sleep in my crown.  Just not on that butt-ugly ass furniture.  kisses - the buki

Tuesday

Everybody sing along with the 5th Dimension

Is it the dawn of aquarius yet?  I must get a zodiac alarm watch, I would hate to sleep through any important astrological event.  Like they could have a major astrological event withou kabuki being involved.  I simply reek of astral significance.   While we enjoy our 80 degree spring day (I think weather is soo confusing), let us chat among ourselves.  I was cleaning my new digs when a knock sounded on the proverbial door.  "Can I borrow your tape measure?" asked my neice sweetly.  "Why? - oh go ahead, but I know where you live" I replied. She is my downstairs neighbor, although I must confess I was surprised she would want to measure anything.  She is at that age (12-29 years)  when ladies do very little measuring.  Men-folk work and such.  4 Hours later I descend  the stairs.  "Do you have any duct tape?" my sister asks.  "where the hell is my tape measure?" I ask my neice.  "Mom used it after me, then Dad took it".  Apparently I had missed some sort of family measuring event.  I wonder if there were refreshments.  I venture into the next room.  "You can't have it back" my brother-in-law says "Because it is broken.  They sure don't make things very well nowadays" he adds.That must be why his cheap ass never bought one.  "Funny, I've have had it for years, it must have been on its last legs" I state.  Then I go upstairs and get another one.  "Here, see if this one will suffice. And if you break it, it's your ass" I tell the old geezer.  "Better get your friends ready for your funeral" he says.  People - on a bad day I could take him,  and it was a good day.  "I am not having a funeral.  I want to be brought back to life" I inform him "So don't fuck with me".  My relatives - eeeech!  The reason I won everything is because I am a bit of a hoarder.  The reason have two of everything is because my dumb-ass relatives usually borrow one- and break it.  Then they are too scared to ask to borrow the other one, so I still have my  stuff.  In case I want to do something.  Like build an altar, or take apart a microwave oven to make a ray gun.  In case aliens attack. Or like maybe I would need a ray gun once I was a Zombie. Having been brought back to life, which is going to be my final wish.  Because people are always trying to kill zombies.  Because people can be some jealous bitches when it comes to the undead.  At least that is how Hollywood portrays it.  I will definitely have to look into this whole zombie-hating conspiracy, because Lord knows I will not have the time once I am undead.  I plan to be busy, busy, busy.  Probably eating brains and important things like that.  Just so you know.  Later

Wednesday

Hats off to our hapless heroine

Recently I was in Ibiza with Hedy Lamarr and Natasha Bedingfield. Actually, Natasha was late (again), so we carried on without her. It's really all about manners, isn't it? an example: A young lady with a stroller almost ran me off the sidewalk. "you are stupid, and your monkey is ugly" I said to her. "It's a baby" the young lady shrieked. "Forgive me. You are stupid and your baby monkey is ugly" I corrected. See. Manners. This shows that kabuki cares. Deeply. So anyway, Hedy was wanting to dance, she is a techno-music maniac (who knew?), and kabuki was searching for hats. Hats, hats, hats. I've got a bee in my bonnet for hats. I will not buy and wear a hat in the same country. More than once poor kabuki has had to suffer the humiliation of seeing an intoxicated starlet fall out of a nightclub wearing the same 'one-of-a-kind' hat that kabuki is wearing. The cold tears of shame rolled down my face later as I had the hat designer dipped in cough syrup and thrown in to a rave party. So I was in Ibiza tryin' to get my hat on. Hedy will wear a hat or two, she just can't be bothered to shop for them, so I was shopping for two. As Hedy and I stepped off the curb a pink Aston Martin came careening around the corner damn near killing us both. "Curse you Mary Kay, your signature scent should be macaroni & cheese", I shouted at the car. I can't stand her or her mascara, just between us. Do you think I use too many commas in my dialogues? I worry myself sick about it. My stream-of-conscience writing style isn't for every one. Anyway, I found this cute little black hat with netting and diamonds, a hat if ever there was one. Picked up a little something for Lamarr as well. Then it was off to a nite spot to dance our cares away. I think I saw Anderson Cooper and Rihanna dancing on a big cube, surrounded by syncophants. Our cue to leave. Yet one more reason kabuki never schedules anything, kabuki just appears. Like a dream. Do you dance in your dreams? I do. Try Patti Labelle's
'Megusta tu baile'. Check it out. Its marvelous. And so are you.  Have I mentioned the unbelievable efforts required to acces the webternet?  Of course not, I dealwith pain in my own quiet way.  If I were to bring it up- I wouldlet on that it is an incredible pain in the ass.  I hope to soon remedy the situation, even if I have to turn my bed into a wifi hotspot!  stay tuned, and cross your fingers for kabuki-tv.  Hoping to bring your real-time deliciousness- in a taped format, of course.  love to you

La Vie en Kabuki


Spring arises and dances away, leaving behind beauty and renewal. Crap. My libido stirs. Damn, I thought I had driven in the last coffin nail. Lonliness gnaws at my soul like a rat trapped in a box. I reject the notion that there is someone for everyone. I see no proof of such a claim. Perhaps my mate is lost, somewhere in the sands of time. With a bit of a mind flip - we are into the time slip - and nothing - will ever be the same. (life lessons from The Rocky Horror Show) Twenty-five years of solitary existence is more than enough to numb the soul. And please - dear reader - do not respond with your own years of difficulties. This is not a contest, and I would like to selfishly dwell on myself (for the moment). I often wonder why I continue what seems a meaningless existence. My huge ego keeps me safe from harm, I am thankful for that. Although many have experienced similar highs and lows, no one has my unique life story. As only you have yours. Having bent reality to my will - if only briefly - I can tell you that having everything you desire is not quite as rewarding as it should be. (Although it ain't half bad.) As I continue to do battle with the universe I recognize that my approach may be wrong. Perhaps more of a 'go with the flow', zen-like approach is in order. Fuck that, seems like everytime I lay down I get run over. I must strive for what I want - it is part and parcel who I am. There may never be a kabuki one, but there is a kabuki zero. And don't you forget it.




and with all the changes you've been thru

it seems the stranger's always you

alone again in some new wicked little town

hedwig

Driven to distraction

Cheerio my darlings, kabuki is back from yet another world-changing adventure.  But first - is anyone else totally creeped out by the 'shrimp taco' television commerical for Taco Bell?  EEEECH!  Fast food shrimp is simply a no-no.  Shrimp taco are two words that should never be in the same sentence.  Every time I see the ad I must cover my eyes and sing 'LALALA, LALALALA'  the theme song to The Bannana Splits Show.  I fear this may be a sign of things to come.  Chicken in Parchment with roasted spring vegetables - now on a stick!  At 7-11.  For only $1.99.  Get your lobster tail with dipping sauce at Burger King now!  I may never leave my home again.  
what's new with kabuki?  So glad you asked.  I have been working to keep the world safe.  No thanks are necessary, it is just what I do.  I mean,I would accept a lovely gift if you had your heart set on giving it to me. I am not a rude person.  But anyway, it seems some overzealous zealots had misappropriated a very dangererous toxin. The extremely nasty VOMITOXIN, which makes you throw up at the slightest glance of food.  The isrealis had originally developed it for their fashion models - you just can't be too thin on that runway.  Anywho, the subversive factions in the Isreali underground had stolen it, and were planning to use it against our neighbor to the north, our belovved Canada.  The bad guys did not like how Isreal fared in the winter olympics, and were goingto make everyone in Canada throw up until they were rail-thin.  And weak.  Then they planned to release crazed badgers en masse.  Imagine the horror.  Oh, the humanity.  So I, kabuki zero,who almost never throws up, (but is often kinda nauseous) was sent in to clean the mess up.  My legendary ninja skills were useless against the badgers,but my fantastic singing voice calmed the savage beasts.  I had snuck into Canada with a traveling production of  "Gypsy Rose Lee".  Dressed as Mama, I brought the badgers to tears, then rounded them up.  I am holding them for evidence, then I shall release them in the wilds of Tangiers.  Just my way.  The bad guys?  Thanks for asking.  My famous ninja skills were not lost on those creeps.  Beat downs for all.  Canada exported the whole lot to India, hope they toss them in that nasty Ganges River.  Holy - yes, disgusting - damn skippy.  And now kabuki is back, cleaning up after dimwits, and slowly creating a palace out of a pigs ear.  TA-TA for now,  my yummy cohorts.

Tuesday

Are you with me Doctor Wu?

bedhead becomes me
kabuki requires a large amount of sedatves.  Before you go off half-cocked (which I never do), rest assured they are not for me.  Neither are they for you, dear readers.  They are for everybody else!  Humanity can get on my damn nerves.  nuff said.  Let us begin:

Recently I was in Balanga with Golda Meir and Rush Limbaugh.  Golda was looking for a villa.  I personally refuse to stay in a building with 'ill' in its name.  I was scouting locations for a new reality show, tentatively titled 'how far can i get away from you'.  Rush was tagging along like the little fat bastard he is. Hoping some class might fall off him.  Golda and I were having cognacs, Rush had something with an umbrella in it. I really can't stand him.  Golda whispered we should get him drunk, festoon him with crepe paper, and tell the local children he was a PiƱata.  I wanted to charter a boat and dump him several miles offshore. To test that whole 'no man is an island' concept.  (Now you see why we brought him along.)  I don't think it is soo bad to pick on the truly horrible people, do you?  Every time he would try to speak we would shush him. Makes him crazy.  "Shush rush", we would say, "try and behave like Coco Chanel".  "But she's dead, right?", he asked.  "Only to you" we would  say, and then Golda and I would laugh until one of us peed a little.  Good cognac always has that effect on me.  Great cognac doesn't, but where are you gonna find great cognac on Balanga? With Rush Limbaugh in tow?  You see my point.  Next time I'll try Monte Carlo with Glen Beck. Maybe I can lose him in a game of Baccarat.  People - I am on to something here. Left us grab all  the conservative political commentators we can, and dispose of them in unique and exciting ways.  Except for G Gordon Liddy, because he is a brilliant entertainer in a crazy kind of way.  And it is truly a crazy kind of world.
that's all for now - still setting up shop.  bye

Thursday

ennui - I reek of it.

Yes folks, it is another tape-related incident for dear kabuki.  You never know how exciting household goods can be - until you try.  Always remember these5 little words "I meant to do that".  Tell people you saw it in a magazine.  I've been using that excuse for years.  Like I need an excuse. Back when I was an employed kabuki I was almost always dressed to the tits. It helps keep the riff-raff in their place.  More than once I told an employee "because I (the boss) said so.  work is not a democracy"  Anyway, I developed the habit of appearing at the various nitespots in my work clothes.  Why go and change?  I can look fabulous for more than 8 hours in one outfit, it is my right as the prettiest ballerina in the world.  As I was saying (before I interrupted myself) I would sometimes turn my sport coat inside out, to display the extraordinary lining.  Of course I would wear it that way for awhile, then reverse it back before driving home. The Man don't need no  reason to pull kabuki over - no maam.  A few fashionistas were quite plucked that I would brazenly break established 'sport coat protocol'.  I announced that not only was I above 'sport coat protocol', I would continue this behaviour until it was adopted as fashion by someone unknown to myself.  It took approximately 4 weeks before a twinkie strolled into the club, sport coat inside out.  I tell you this because fashion becomes overbearing when the fun is removed.  If you don't enjoy putting it on - then you should take it off.  Also hutzspah counts.  I look good in it because I feel good in it, even if you do insist on undressing me with your eyes.  We both know you do it.  That is why I shall try and appear naked more often. Just to help you out.  Because kabuki cares about fashion and you.  kabuki can do both. 
Still setting up shop, new kabuki photoshoot on the way.  Just waiting for the hyperbaric chamber and some chandelier earrings.  loves you much - kthxbai

From the mind of kabuki - a new and exciting place


I am moving into my new apartment.  Someof my things were with me in Fredericksburg, the rest of my items are in my old home, which is right next door to my new place. I am doing most of the moving myself - and it is tiring,  My current web access is free wifi 1 mile away.  Bear with me for just a little longer - all will be well.  I am much happier in my new digs, a new pad for kabuki.  I miss you all terribly (except for you, and you know who you are), much smoochies comin at ya.  kabuki
ps my beauty diet is working, just LOOK at me!

Sunday

Now is the time on Sprockets when We dance



Today is day # 1f my return to my home/new apartment.  Details to follow.  Stay tuned.

Friday

Missionary Man

I was born an original sinner.  I was born from original sin.  If I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done, there'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin! (Eurythmics)  The man who told the World blog is two months old.  Huzzah!  Doesn't it seem like I have been here for ages?  That is the timeless gift of kabuki.  Yours free, just pay a small processing fee.  WITH YOUR BRAIN!!!  Old friends, new friends, a goddess, a nemesis WOW!.  13 followers, I am gobsmacked.  I could almost start a cult.  I am gonna need more kabuki wigs. Love, Love, Love, I want your Love (Lady Gaga).  What does she mean?  Todays' pop starts are so confusing.  Is kabuki one gyroscope dress and some star trek Borg accessories away  from fame as well?  Is this why Felix desires my west coast appearance?  Can Hollywood bus in enough clown white to keep kabuki resplendent?  So many questions.  I had a friend for many years who read the Tarot.  We had a falling out, but that is another story for another day.  When he would read the cards for me - he always said "You are in a state of upheaval.  You are going through changes".   (Ladies - not the change - please don't make me do the 'helicopter' for you.  The men will explain it to you.  Ask one now.)  I figure I have spent 4 decades of upheaval and change.  It is enough to make one upheaval one's lunch.  By the way - tarot reading - nice gig - "major arcana, time of change, things are murky".  Can you read tarot in a feng-shui'ed room while burning buddist incense and sitting on a mission-style futon?  You would think the room would spin.  So many paths to choose.  What if the misssion-style futon threw my reading off.  Suppose the great powers accidentally ended up in Frank Lloyd Wright's home.  How do we know that he never wore a kabuki wig?  Or a blue velvet catsuit?  People - we are making breakthroughs here.  Is it possible that I have influenced the past?  We know I'm all over the future.  The present is murky.  HA!  Psuedo-spiritual humor.  Nobody else is doing it. 
Anyways, thanks for playing along.  What will the future hold for kabuki?  Who the fuck knows?  And will kabuki  be happy?  Who the fuck cares?  Why you do, of course.  And that makes my whole day brighter.  Thanks. A lot.  Really.

Thursday

Men, Madness and Machines


Have you ever spent the entire day somewhere you knew you weren't  wanted?  Ick!  I should have gotten out of bed, driven to The Watergate Bakery and eaten Napoleons until I fell into a deep sugar coma.  The bakers would say "Leave him, he looks like an angel when he's comatose."  And I bet I do, because sometimes I look like an angel when I am awake.  I digress.  I cast my eyes about my relative's study turned kabuki-warren.  No room for improvement here - it's just me and a few my niceites.  "Why did you bring that?"  my sister-in-law asked every time I walked in from my car.  "It's a box of expensive jewelery, I didn't want to leave it on the side of the road.  I'm just stupid that way." I replied.  I should have brought my broadsword and my mirror-ball collection - that would screw with her head.  But my nice side prevailed.  One day I am going to stomp my nice side into a mud-puddle and leave it for dead.  I remember my favorite bartender, everytime someone dropped a bar glass, he would say "Well I guess we just can't have nice things".   I feel that way about being nice.  I shouldn't have to be nice.  I would like a 'get out of nice' card.  It would have been handy today.  (and everyday)  So anyway - I went to MacDonalds - because it was late, I was rushed, I was cash-deprived, and I wanted a  99cent fish-sandwich, just like they showed on the television.  I hate the local MacDonalds.  It is staffed by idiots, decorated with fake civil war memorabilia, and they keep the temperature a steady 64 degrees - so you don't linger.  Like you would - "Oh Clarisse, take my photo next to Ronald MacDonald and this pile of plastic cannon-balls.  The girls at bingo will pee".  Continuing on.  I asked the young lady at the counter "Do you have the 99cent fish sandwich, like on tv?"  "NO, we don't honor that tv ad.  You have to go to Fredericksburg for that" she snapped.  Like I had asked if I could spit in her hair.  Which is silly, because I wouldn't ask.  "OK, I'll drive the 8 miles to Fredericksburg and get one" I answered and walked out.  I guess most people, who are probably going that way anyway, go ahead and pay the extra $2 dollars.  My plans already scrambled. (I wan't really going that direction) I wanted to get an iced tea at this MacDonalds then stop at the one 30 miles away and pee, then get another iced tea there.  Because kabuki likes some iced tea.  Word!  Ask felix - he knows.  So I go to the MacDonalds 30 miles away, go in and get my iced tea.  And a 99cent fish sandwich.  But I didn't pee.  The next 40 miles of my trip are mountainous and boring.  The occasional vista - but mostly rednecks in cheap cars.  Woowoo - my city-boy is showing, must dial it down.  I turn on the country music station, and put on a ballcap.  THAT IS A TOTAL LIE.  Just seeing if you know the real kabuki - who don't dosi-fucking-doe.  And I have no friends in low places.  I stop at chez moi "The Cathedral", and I don't even go inside.  It will just depress the fuck out of me.  I might just staple myself to the attractive wood-paneling.  I pick up my junk mail, well worth the 90minute trip. The house and my mostly restored bmw 5 series are both still intact.  Off to WalMart to refill a prescription.  Now here is where I become a little bit of a GREAT BIG LIAR AGAIN.  Walmart  does not really mind kabuki.  I kinda brighten up the place.  Notice I didn't save 'liven'.  That is taken care of by the 50 unsupervised latin children dashing in and out of the eldery shoppers.  I don't know why the local latin population doesn't supervise their children - but they do not.  Anywhere.  Ever.  Not a judgement, an observation.  I guess nobody is stealing them.  Because you couldn't pry a white kid loose from his dead mother's hand.  If it came to that.  Which is doesn't.  Because they are in daycare.  And the moms are at work.  I drop off my prescription, tell the nice lady I will wait.  I ask about the pictures of a newborn taped to every square inch of the counter.  In one photo an extremely beefy hairy arm is poking the unattractive infant.  "These are twins, they are from one of our cashiers.  She's not here".  DUH.  "What's with the scary arm frightenening the baby?", I had to ask.  "I don't know, it's just somebody's arm" the cashier replied.  I noticed she was not filling out a MENSA application.  Go figure.  I go and sit at the free blood-pressure machine, mostly to piss off the 4 year that keeps leaping from the back of the chair.  "Stop that" his mother says.  Not only has he been doing it for at least 5 minutes, he has already stopped.  Because I am sitting in the chair.  I smile evilly at the woman and she drags her child off.  pity. maybe she can find another playground in sporting goods.  I check my bloodpressure.  If this is working I am already dead.  What a horror.  The pharmacist would say "Leave him, he looks like an angel when he's dead."   And I bet I do, because sometimes I look like an angel when I am alive.  I go shopping.  I buy two pair of fluffy red socks ($1.50), a pomegranite bath gift set ($1.00) and food for a bunny, two birds, and a crazy-ass chihuahua ($3.42, 3.86. and 1.25).  I look at a valentine orchid plant - which should be blooming in about two weeks from the looks of it - but discard it.  Power shopping involves sacrifice.  I know my 30-day prescription is $8.00 ($4.00 advertised prescriptions are for other people apparently)  Time to checkout.  The cashier I recognize from before.  She tried to give me a bird last time I was in Walmart.  She had rehabilitated a cockatiel rescued from a cat's mouth.  Head slightly chewed.  She had notice my bird seed purchase.  I told her if she was still unable to place it after I moved back, I would care for it.  It was fine, just looked a little bedraggled.  kabuki's bird diet of fresh fruit, veggies, pellets, seed and LOVE has the kabuki flock looking fine.  When I was placing baby lovebirds at the pet store you could tell my birds from across the room.  If only you could cage children, I might have given it a go.  Water under the bridge.  I depart, and decide to stop in at my pet store, just to chat.  It's on the way back.  I pop in.  The owner, his young daughter and her cutie-pie husband are there.  The daughter and cutie-pie love me.  The owner not so much, but I am growing on him.  Not every can fully enjoy the kabuki experience.  I pity them, but only in a small way.  The owner seems extremely not interested in my visit.  The daughter is playing with a sugarglider.  I ask her why she is holding vermin.  She just laughs.  Her husband shows me the glow in the dark aquarium plants.  kooky.  I don't know how I feel about 'glow in the dark' flora.  I make a hasty exit, but I promise to be back soon.  I make way to my 'new abode'.  I stop in downstairs, my extremely overeducated sister has touched her satellite receiver - and now it doesn't work (again).  Her husband is less than thrilled to see me and have no television.  If I stay I will have to fix it (again).  "Just stopped in to say I'm still alive" I say to them.  "Not too many people die from a colonoscopy" grumpy husbands says.  Okey doke, time to drive back to my bed.  In a house with people who don't want me there.  I should arrive just in time to clean up the dinner plates.  (I did).  And not recognize what they had for dinner (I didn't)  And eat leftovers from something I cooked (I did).  And wonder why I spent all day yesterday crying. Sigh.  If spring doesn't show up soon I am going to track it down, plant my foot in its ass, and drag it into my life.  Keep the home fires lit, in case I need somewhere warm to rest.  Adieu

Monday

Dr. Love (only he fills my prescription)

Is my head dissolving?  What have they done to me?

I am at my in-laws recuperating from my ordeal.  All went as well  as could be expected - sort of.  We await biopsy results.  As I went to a teaching hospital - if I charged admission to my room the procedures would have paid for themselves with enough left over to send nurse #3 back to IV class. (nuff said).  I arrived at my destination early, hunger gnawing at the root of my being.  Information directed me to the hallway next to the CAFETERIA, those bastards!  Looking back, it was probably a smart decision to house Digestive Health at that location.  I entered the waiting room, leather chairs in green & purple.  (That's probably why they don't let you eat.  naseua)  The waiting room looked like a bruise.  Flat screen televisions on opposing walls blared.  It was 6:30am.  Left wall tv - Good Morning America.  Right wall tv - a movie channel.  What movie? I don't know.  A man and women screeching at each other like howler monkeys, then a lot of moaning. (I think she stabbed him, I would have).  Waiting Room - devoid of life.  Eventually a lady sat at the reception desk.  I handed her my paperwork, she handed it back.  She then handed me blank forms to fill out.  (They were very similar to the forms I handed her, the forms I had been instructed to bring with me.)  Schadenfreude.  My brother (my driver), disappeared to smoke a ciggy.  He had to go miles away, I wished him well. 
  They eventually took me in a backroom, removed my garments, gave me a gown large enough to cover a buick, and footies.  Actually I demanded the footies - they were darling!  (the little things mean so much)   A barrage of doctor/students, doctor/teachers, nurse/sadists, nurse/comedians and too many other people to list paraded through.  I noticed someone came in the next room with a police escort.  A rather large police escort.  How extremely inappropriate.  There were no paparazzi, they would have been dogging kabuki anyway.  Safely esconced in an amazingly uncomfortable bed - they wheeled me into my procedure room. 
  While all this madness was going on, people kept asking me why I was there.  Like it was a seance. "Tell us why you are here?  Give us a sign!"  I would tell them about my two procedures - they would say no, only one procedure.  I would say "OK", they would ask why I thought I was having two procedures.  I would say "Because that is what my Doctor told me".  They would ask me if i 'wanted?' the second procedure and I would say 'not particularly'  and then they would go away.  I finally told the last person who asked me that I was there for a little liposuction and a cheeseburger.  It must be the long hours, the medical community has no discernible sense of humor.  kabuki is a very funny person in the flesh. (I believe this has been covered in chapter 1.)
 Doctor/Student and Doctor/Teacher were in the procedure room, as well as several nurses I had not seen before.  I told each nurse in turn 'You look beautiful today."  Then I asked her to marry me.  One nurse said "We're not the ones operating the scope".  I informed her I was going to flatter everyone in the room regardless of their role.  (the little people so often go overlooked, and a blanket "I would like to thank the academy" just is not enough.  Sharing - look it up)  Doctor/Student came over, refused my marriage proposal, and said "Looking at your chart, it seems you are scheduled for two procedures".  "Imagine that" I said not so sweetly.  Hunger was rapidly damaging my cheery disposition.  That and stupid Doctor/student people.  "Your choice" doctor/student said.  "I am here, I am naked, I haven't eaten anything in 36 hours, lets do this thing"  I stated.  "OK", she replied, and nurse put the good stuff in my IV.
  I was supposed to go 'twilight' for the butt-camera, and 'dark' for the throat-camera, but I have no more memory.  I am pretty sure they tortured me.  "Beauty Secrets, tell us your beauty secrets" they probably demanded.  I know my ninja mind-training held up.  If only they would just read my blog.  It would be a kinder, gentler world if only they would read my blog. 
  I awoke back in my little back room, brother and nurse #3 were there.  Probably conspiring - I have my suspicions.  "Oh nurse, I thought I was going 'twilight'?  Why do I not remember a damn thing?"  I inquired.  "Oh, the 'twilight' drug causes amnesia" she replied all medically-like.  "What you talkin bout Willis?" I tossed out.  She stared into space.  "No one mentioned this to me, and I have spoken to half the staff" I offered up.  "Oh" she said, and that was that.  "By the way, we only did the one procedure.  The Doctor ran out of time"  she informed me.  Was this a new game show?  'Beat the Operating Room Clock' a merv griffin production.  Maybe Doctor/teacher had a luncheon appointment?  Maybe he could not stand Doctor/student another minute.  I can't say - because I have amnesia.  I feel like a soap opera episode (or three).  "Doctor, will kabuki ever walk the tightrope again?  Will the amnesia make him forget his love of spelunking?"  Stay tuned.
  It does appear I will recover.  Procedure two will be another exciting adventure.  I should write it down.  Oh yeah. Nevermind.  Thanks to my well-wishers, your good wishes were felt by my heart.  It did lift my spirits to know I had people pulling for me.  just remember - kabuki got your back.  peace.