Tuesday

Universal Dischord

kabuki is so very over the universe at this moment in time - if the universe had any sense it would go and hide at walmart (kabuki never goes into the walmart clothing section.  ever)  But it does not possess any sense, and kabuki has documents to prove it.  My move was a horrendous nightmare of biblical proportions.  One person helped, my SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend).  He helped about 20% of the move, and was suspiciously absent for the rest.  Several of the local residents offered their services - but they were all over 60 and female.  kabuki had pillow detail, so they were not able to assist.  A fine example of my horwor - my terwor 'this is heavy' my sssbf intoned, as he picked up one end of the sofa.  'i thought the same when i carried it all by myself' said kabuki, who had the other end.  'muscle pussy' kabuki screamed silently, and not in a good way.  Another local friend, stricken with food poisoning, said 'let me take you out to lunch'.  'only if i pick the place' kabuki stated, for this ladies food service selection process was tainted.  (get it?)  While dining on cheeseburgers and onion rings kabuki broke a molar in half.  So there's that.  Unseasonably warm, yes add that to the mix.  'Can you show your place monday, tuesday, and thursday?' the property manager asked. 'NO' kabuki said 'because I am moving and stuff'.  sheesh.  After safely moving the birds kabuki let them out to explore the new digs.  The green ring neck parrot immediately starts eating the moulding.  The 40 year old mobile home moulding.  ick.  'Stop that!' kabuki says, shutting the bird back into its cage.  kabuki turns around to see the white cockatoo eating the moulding off the other wall.  'FAT JESUS' kabuki screams, and kabuki had had it up to there!  kabuki then got the attention of the universe. 'I HAVE HAD IT, AND I AM NOT HAVING IT'  kabuki tossed into the atmosphere. 'Problem, prettiest ballerina?'  the iniverse inquired.  'what is wrong with you, got a case of the evils or something? kabuki politely asked. 'I have NO idea to what you are referring' the universe said.  'Do not start with me universe, kabuki is in no mood to play.  Have you been paying attention to the clown party that is my move?' kabuki pressed, for you have to spell it out for the universe sometimes.  kabuki suspects the universe is a might slow,  but would never tell the universe, because that would be mean-spirited.  'You know the universe watches you very closely' the universe replies, 'for you are so very interesting - my dearest kabuki.'  'Well then, what is up with the SUPER-SECRET-STRAIGHT-BOYFRIEND not being available to help? kabuki asked.  'That is the SSSBF way.  You should recognize.  This is not your first SSSBF letdown.  What else?'  the universe says defensively.  '106 degrees, really?  Birds eating the walls.   really?  All by myself.  Really?  Broken tooth.  Really?  stop fucking with me, or kabuki will go medieval on your ass'.  kabuki stated, and not so sweetly either.  'Oh alright, let the universe make it up to you' the universe says.  'What did you have in mind, for kabuki is already the prettiest ballerina in the world ya'know' kabuki says proudly, and quite correctly.  For it is an honor to be the prettiest ballerina in the world, as many of you no doubt suspect.  'I have wanted to do this for years' the universe is really beaming now 'kabuki - you are now PRINCESS OF THE UNIVERSE!' the universe is positively shouting 'And no one deserves it more than you".  'True enough' kabuki states, 'and kabuki would like to thank the academy, etc'.
Thank goodness kabuki has several prepared speeches, for you never know when an award will pop up.  If you are kabuki.  Which I am.  Thank you one and all for supporting the kabuki during this summer madness.  And everyone is invited over for cake.  As long as you are coming over, bring some cake.  Because sharing is nice.  And if it is cluster-fuck time at your home - be sure and let the universe know it is time to straighten up and fly right.  Because it can't hurt to ask.

9 comments:

  1. Oh God! Please don't tell me we're gonna hear about dry sockets for weeks again!!!

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  2. and as for you jon, watch it.

    and as for kabook, a cracked molar and still she types.
    why couldn't the bird've cracked a beak on the moulding?

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  3. Time for some of Peenee's Vicodin!

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  4. Mistress MJ suggests symbolically placing all your worries and your woes on the floor and, in perfect ballerina form, doing a Grand pliƩ over top of them.

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  5. Two words for you..........pain killers. Your situation will not change, but alas... you WILL NOT CARE>

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  6. ha, jokes on you. kabuki already does not care. pain can kiss kabuki's lovely white arse.

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  7. I've always said that I would rather move across the city than down the street. Now I'll have to change that to "I would rather move across the city than across the street."

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  8. I love what you've done with the place. And who knows what that trashy coot before you coated the molding with to make it so bird tasty. You probably don't want to know.

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  9. You'd get a lot more done if you'd stop talking to your imaginary friends.

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