Sunday

Desert Hot Springs - oh hell no

So here we are maties, preparing for Pirate Day (see mr peenees blog) when kabuki had to attend to a matter most despicable.  The 1996 purple saturn station wagon of love had just recently began to screech, especially with the ac running (which is always).  Kabuki is no stranger to auto maintenance - but it has been years since kabuki actually did any.  Kabuki prefers to pay people to do these type of nasty little tasks, because auto repair can be a severe pain in the ass.  However due to poorness (kabuki SUCKS at poorness), some matters must be attended in person.  ick ick ick.  Kabuki has just last week purchased 'belt dressing' and attempted to alleviate the shrill tone emnating from the previously mentioned engine compartment, but to no avail.  So kabuki dons a work kimono and heads to the local auto parts store.  It is located in nearby Desert Hot Springs, a veritable hot dry low-rent lock-the-car kinda place.  Kabuki never goes there, prefering the refreshing gayness of Palm Springs.  But kabuki does not need a hugo boss dress belt.  Kabuki needs a serpentine belt for a twin-cam 4 cylinder.  (did that turn you on?  man-speak)  Because kabuki is above all else a genius, he felt he could accomplish this arduous task single handedly.  Of course another manicure will die, but into each life some rain must fall.  As kabuki pulls into the turn lane to enter the parking lot of the auto parts store a loud snap can be heard.  Unfortunately it is not gunfire, it is the fan belt rendering itself useless.  Kabuki knows this because power steering is now a thing of the past, and the engine temperature needle goes straight to red.  In approximately 8 seconds.  (accursed desert heat)  Kabuki parks, enters and looks momentarily stunned.  The auto parts store is entirely staffed by smallish lesbians.  Not a cute boy in the vicinity.  Why does God punish the faithful?  Am not kabuki a child of light?  Damn damn damn.  Kabuki purchases the needed part, also picks up a cute little butterfly windscreen stick on.  Kabuki firmly believes automobiles require gifts to let them know they are loved.  Having owned 2 dozen cars you must trust kabuki in this.  As you should trust kabuki in all things.  But whatever - kabuki don't judge.  Returning to the car with my purchases kabuki notices the temperature is still HOT HOT HOT.  Car is obviously taking a hint from kabuki. (ba-zing! humor in the face of adversity is kabuki's bread and butter)  Speaking of foodstuffs, kabuki has adopted a little grey french poodle named Liberty.  Liberty's daddy is in Afganistan fighting.  From there he has decided to go fight in Germany, so Liberty needed a home.  Liberty was raised around parrots, and treats them with the indifference kabuki requires in a housepet.  Liberty requires dog food, so kabuki walks over to the grocery store IN DESERT HOT SPRINGS.  See, kabuki can mix with ordinary folk.  As long as they don't speak to kabuki.  Or touch kabuki.  Why is it the starving masses always want to lay hands on kabuki?  You just know they are not faith-healers, more likely trying to lift kabuki's coin purse.  Thankfull for the many folds of my work kimono (it's easy care denim polyester), kabuki's coin purse is safely stashed.  As is my disdain for the elderly black couple sexy-talking in the produce aisle.  Momma said she wants hamburger, daddy says he has some chorizo.  Kabuki is apalled.  Locating the dog food kabuki flees the grocery store before somebody takes a fancy to 'the pretty boy in the blue china-man dress'.  Risking death and dismemberment kabuki flees back across the parking lot with a bag of dry dog num-nums.  kabuki limps the station-wagon-of-love home.  After much online research kabuki has learned to change the serpentine belt on a  Saturn wagon you need to remove the right front wheel and inner fender skirts.  Because some moron at saturn put the engine in sideways.  Porsche, BMW, Jaguar, Mercedes Benz, Cadillac, Lincoln, Corvette, Mustang GT - yes kabuki has owned them all,  and they all had the engine facing forward.  People of Saturn listen up - stop trying to re-invent the wheel - for heavens' sake.  Oh wait - you went bust.  Puzzling.  So as soon as the stormy weather leaves the desert playground of kabuki - he will go and get physical.  One may wonder 'kabuki  - where is Super Secret Straight Boyfriend'?  Playing bingo with his momma, kabuki hopes he gets a paper cut BIG TIME.  Shoulda snagged a lesbian at the auto parts store, but you just cannot let them on the furniture.  sadness becomes kabuki.


11 comments:

  1. has kabuqui forgotten all lessons from the past?

    fan belts are not do-it-yourself.

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    Replies
    1. And yet kabuki was successful in replacing the serpentine belt. Hot, sweaty, dirty, greasy and successful.

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  2. I have not had a car since the 1970s, so I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

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  3. Show us a photo of the dog darling... Pleeeease...

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  4. Mistress MJ simply has to whisper "torque" into a man's ear to rev his engine.

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    Replies
    1. Kabuki waits for the day MJ whispers in kabukis ear. What a day that shallbe

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  5. oh heck, you've been in tighter jams than this! I'm recalling a certain red convertible.....

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  6. Dearest please email me. I will be nearby shortly.

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  7. Move up North. I mean reeeeal North.


    And get a dogsled!

    Feeding 6 huskies is cheaper than feeding a car!

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  8. I am, as usual, impressed. Dazzled.

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