I'm not an actor, but I play one on television

Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!  Madness is about and we must flee for our lives. I blame it on the heat.  Today as I sat in a sweet little internet cafe (McDonalds) I witnessed a woman pickup her little baby, look it in the face and proclaim "Mommy's not crazy, no she is not".  Obviously a lie to put the toddler at ease.  Shortly thereafter, every male seated in the estblished began to belch loudly.  kabuki may never return, as kabuki left skid marks on the linoleum exiting the building.  But on to HOLLYWOOD NEWS.  kabuki has noticed the accolades and such heaped upon Felix, and not being jealous at all, kabuki will provide HOLLYWOOD NEWS to drum up a little support.  Take a good look at my photo people, does that look like a happy, mentally-stable kabuki?  I didn't think so either.  So on to HOLLYWOOD NEWS.
Sources say there are no plans to bake bannana bread with a file in it for the lovely has-been Lindsy Lohan.  It looks like a timeout in the slammer is in store for our leggings queen.  so sad. or not.
 MJ will neither confirm or deny rumors that she has been in talks to play the lead in the desperately awaited sequel to AVATAR, tentatively titled AVASTAR. (she is a shoe-in for the goddess role)  Sources do state that she has been away from her canadian mansion plenty this summer. 
Felix will direct and star in a way-off broadway musical salute to 'Laverne & Shirley'.  He will play Squiggy - and there is no doubt a film version will follow. Lets hope he directs the film version as well.
Donna Lethal is all over HOLLYWOOD, wearing a different designer each and every day. It is reported that Vera Wang and Vivienne Westwood had a hair-pulling cat-fight in London's Heathrow Airport all the while screaming "Bitch - she's mine".  Rumors are she favors vintage Galliano, but she has been spotted in Norma Kamali as well.  Stay tuned readers- this is sure to heat up.
Kabuki will revisit her role in "The Glass Menagerie", but only because kabuki likes to say "but mama, I'm crippled". Not a dry eye was seen in Grumans Chinese Theatre - which has been remodeled just for the two-week run.  Is a sidewalk star of fame in kabukis' future. Duh.
An unnamed male star has stated that his name and the phrase 'deep passage' are not to be used in the same sentence ever again!  Lawsuits at the ready for this sad little boy.

Tune in next week, HOLLYWOOD NEWS is always fresh, current, and completely made up.  kisseys