The secret of my success

My birthday was a rip-roaring success, in no small part thanks to you.  Yes you, you know who you are, and so do I.  kabuki bows demurely at your feet, you delicious people of wonderfulness.  Wonderful well-wishers were about, chocolate cake was had, and movie stars were chatted up.  A bottle of macadamian nut liqueur arrived from hawaii, some steaks arrived from omaha, and a lovely house plant arrived by post.  Kabuki rolled up the kimono sleeves and repaired the garbage disposal, so that is like a gift to myself.  Food that displeases kabuki shall now face utter destruction.  Kabuki only hopes the birds that live with kabuki will follow that veiled threat to its logical conclusion.  The dog is too big to fit so a diferent evil death threat shall be concocted for him.  but enough about me.

There are really only two things you need to succeed in this kabuki's world, and i shall tell you what they are.  The first thing you need is a large glass filled with ice and a delicious beverage of your choice.  A great southern beauty like myself requires (and desires) iced tea.  Lemon or mint leaves to taste, and a sweetener of some sort.  Sugar in the raw, a stalk of sugar cane, splenda, whatever is close at hand.
The second requirement is a communication device.  Phone, computer, netbook, telegraph, something.  It is essentially that you contact people, and that they feel they can contact you back.  Of course they really cannot, but we will cross that bridge later.  what is imporrtant is that they think you are reachable.  Because as you talk to people, and tell them about yourself (if you don't, others will. believe me) these same people will try and tell you things about themselves.  As if anything could be more painful.  They might as well stab you and set your hair on fire.  But there are people in this world who think we want to know about them.  Absurd.  They want to know about us, duh!  But why is that a two way street.  Do we care what color Britney's labia is today?  Not even one bit.  You mother fell down the escalator at the mall?  So sad for her.  What impact do these events have on kabuki?  Other than the part of my life wasted by listening to you tell me, no impact at all.  Really if you think about it, you just need a microphone on your phone.  The speaker is both irritating and intrusive.  This is wht Twitter is such a hit.  You can just speak to people.  Of course they can 'tweet' back at you.  Even the name (tweet) shows what little importance is paid to the reply.  'But kabuki, how do we know they are even listening' you ask.  Thanks for interrupting.  First, people are generally nosy.  Not us, them.  You know they are just dying to know what we are doing, eating, talking about, etc.  Second, even as you read this someone else is wondering what y ou are reading.  Because you (like kabuki) are fascinating and interesting.  And they want to be you, own you, be on you, just watch you, and tons more creepy stuff like that.  And kabuki still did not get a taser for my birthday.  If the creepy people spirit me away it will be on your heads.  You will re-read my old blogs thru teary eyes, too sad to even get out of bed.  And then kabuki will escape the creepies, and once again regale you (the important people) with my tales of daring-do and general hilarious events.  Because nonsense is my business, and business is looking up.  i love you, kabuki zero


  1. Oh darling, I'm so glad it was a rip roar success! Well this ho doesn't have tatter, or face place, or whatever it is called. I do have a laptop and a cell. But if I ever go without these things darling would you accept handwritten notes from shoe leather express. Well.... in this case, Manolo Blahnik 6in heel-express???

  2. And they want to be you, own you, be on you, just watch you, and tons more creepy stuff like that.

    I want to smell you.

    I’m sure you smell like a field of wildflowers.

  3. thrilled all went well. something tells me you
    should look into morse code as your new
    communication vehicle. it could be a good fit.

  4. "Nonsense is my business" Put that on your business card and what else do you need?

  5. I suggest procuring a roost of carrier pigeons to provide you with constant capacity to fire missives to the outer world...

  6. Macadamia nut liqueur? Well, I never!