friday fun with girls

Oh yes, kabuki is fond of the cinema.  How many famous people turn their back on the silver screen?  Who can say?  I think 56% personally, but what do I know?  Who am I?  Why am I here? And finally, how do we get this vid an oscar?

Again it begins

Kabuki is forlorn.  Kabuki did not win the 2012 two door Land Rover Evoq given away last week at kabuki's bingo casino.  A small mexican cowboy won it.  Kabuki knows he was a mexican cowboy because : he wore ostritch skin cowboy boots, he wore tight cowboy jeans with a BIG belt buckle. he wore a cowboy shirt - and he had on a big-ass cowboy hat.  (plus my friend knows him, and informed me).  'At least he got dressed up' kabuki thought, because the general fashion scene at the casino is dismal.  Occasionally kabuki will spy a pair of hooker shoes, and it gives one hope.  Anyways no new car for kabuki, who surely deserves no less.  Suffer as I do, surely a new automobile is the least the universe can do.  Knowing the winner has a scant grasp of the english language kabuki clasp his hand firmly and said 'Coma Tostado', and kabuki meant it.  Kabuki can give as well as receive - but please do not attach dirty thoughts to kabuki's multi-dimensional approach to life.
Kabuki saw on some blog somewhere a list of 40 things to do in 2012 for a better world.  Kabuki did not get past number 2 - Forgive Everyone.  'Obviously the work of an idiot' kabuki surmised, and kabuki read no further. For kabuki has decided to forgive no one, 2012 is the year my good nature will be kept in check.  For far too long has the universe backslid into rudenesss, meanness, and a generally surly undertone permeates the very air of my desert resort town.  Kabuki is simply not having it. 
Kabuki watched the political nonsense on the telly for almost 5 minutes.  It made kabuki slightly queasy.  Let kabuki sort it out for you.  Mint Romney - no president of mine shall be named after a common garden herb.  As for the rest of the republicans - ick ick and ick.  Now President Obama - nope, he seems a teensy bit ineffective and whiny.  When you are the boss - well it is your fault. nuff said. Ronald Reagan knew that, and there was very little that Ronnie knew by the time he hit the White House.  So what are we to do?  Elect Kabuki.  My years of government consulting have prepared me for just such an event.  Kabuki will immediately start sending ambasssadors abroad.  Six pissed off gays guys and a couple of pms'ing lesbians should bring Korea in line - and Kabuki has big plans for Iran.  (Think musical reality show)  My complete and total 'no war'  approach to world events shall have the military and its crony suppliers in tears.  Now mind you, if someone should come over to America and do harmful things kabuki will personally lead a squad of ninjas and kick their ass.  We do have the ninjas in America y'know.  You think the Girl Scouts are just a bunch of silly girls?  No no no.  They don't even bake those cookies, they have people for that.  So you see the amount of free time the girls have.  Kabuki is just saying those sashes they wear are perfect for concealing throwing stars.  Oh there are many secrets President Kabuki will reveal to the world.  And some of them Kabuki did not even make up.  probably. 

did kabuki succumb?

Kabuki requires some counsel.  What you see above is the christmas 2011 release by en&is gallery, an italian design house.  It is a passive iphone amplifier, aka a megaphone for your iphone.  It is handcrafted, rests on an italian walnut stand, and kabuki finds it divine.  kabuki's mother was a ceramic and porcelain goddess of great talent, and kabuki recognizes the difficulty in creating such a lovely thing as is pictured above.  It costs 399 euros, and is the only item currently for sale at the en&is gallerys' website.
So you say to yourself, 'big whoop kabuki - tell us something else of little or no importance.  ok I will - kabuki can crack his toes.  spooky - no?  But bac kto the matter at hand.  kabuki accidentally went shopping, and whilst browsing in the local thrift store came upon this item.  In the original box, with all associated paperwork.  A nebbish man came over as kabuki inspected said item.  He whipped out his smart phone and attempted to discern its provenance, to kabuki's great consternation. (what a lovely sentence construct)  not to be outdone kabuki produced his iphone and immediately went to the design website, then informed the small man of the important data associated with said object.  Man said to me 'I could have looked that up on my pc at home'.  kabuki said 'meh', and wandered away to peruse other items.  kabuki could not shake the little man, and kabuki made polite conversation, including the possibility of buying thrift store items and selling them on ebay for profit.  A risky business to be sure.  kabuki informed small man the kabuki might consider selling above pictured ceramic on ebay, after all it is a christmas 2011 release, and it is only January 2012.  The market is surely not flooded with such a unique and delightful knick-knack.  At this point we (kabuki and the nebbish stranger) were joined in our conversation by the goodwill manager.  'That just came in today, its very expensive.  The lady who dropped  it off said she had received two of them".  kabuki knew this to be a bold-faced lie from some wealthy yet tasteless palm springs biddy.  (she also dropped off a matched set of DREAMY table lamps)  Anyways, after convincing the small man that he was not going to get kabuki's number, kabuki purchased the object d'art.  Am kabuki mad?  Has my noodle gone soft?  What is to become of kabuki?  Mind you, it was less than 20% of retail, yet kabuki may still have to nibble on it for sustenance when the budget collapses later this month.  Felix would call it 'a shopping blackout', kabuki just calls it a heart-felt purchase.  Here it is on my coffee table, it may yet end up on ebay, so tell me dear reader - What the hell have I done? 

The Aubergine Jar

The three Japanese characters for kabuki separately refer to "dance, music, and craft or skill". Originally however, kabuki was written with different characters which meant "tilted" or out of "balance", the implication being something that might be considered exotic, racy or debauched.

Okay, todays education session is over, let  us get real up in here.  Kabuki is in pain today, apparently a pinched nerve in the kabuki neck.  when kabuki raises his right arm just the right way - an electric shock ensues.  (not the good kind either),  If kabuki turns his neck the right way - same electric shock.  Knowing this still does not prevent kabuki from turnig said appendages in that special 'shocky' way approximately 83,000 times an hour.  Yes kabuki is a bit fidgity, deal with it.  Kabuki has partaken of the swirling hot spa waters, a muscle relaxer and a pain killer to no avail.  Shocky shocky shocky.  It is most annoying, and threatens to undermine my ususal loving and carefree nature.  And while we speak of annoying, let us delve into the world of California painkillers.  Since kabuki's arrival he has taken the occasional painkiller for the occasional pain.  Because this is how it is supposed to be.  And if you take too many pain killers then you never poop again, and you also die (Elvis reference).  So kabuki is a good kabuki with his meds.  That being said, California has some difficulty in actually delivering pain killers.  Oh kabuki has the pills, but not a single one has worked since kabuki crossed the great divide.  When kabuki mentioned this to the California pharmacist it was implied the kabuki was a'pill head' and had built up a tolerance to said medication.  Even though kabuki has successfully managed this medication for 10 years.  kabuki thinks a more reasonable scenario is that pharmacist is selling the real meds to the black market and using the funds to get people to talk to his - because he is an enormous pompous ass.  Who knew a Costco pharmacist was the answer to all of mankinds' difficulties.  (douche bag)

So anyway, kabuki has investigated the medical marijuana available to the California citizens.  At least those that are medically indicated,  Let me take you there.  Always in a storefront of a strip mall, with no advertising or ground level windows, you get buzzed into the lobby.  It reeks of pot, and a female teenage idiot validates your identity papers.  Think bad hair coupled with poor wardrobe choices.  Her parents must be sooo proud.  You are eventually ushered upstairs, or backroom, where several teenage boys (all named Chad) are waiting to serve you.  At least one of the Chads has arrived at work via his skateboard.  There is a large jar on the counter for you to tip the Chads.  It is full of money and buds of pot.  Unhygenic at best.  kabuki explains to Chad - pain abatement, muscle relaxation NO MUNCHIES.  We always ends up at the expensive counter, so kabuki just starts there nowadays.  kabuki has always been a top-shelf kinda guy.  Kabuki purchases a little of this, a little of that, whines for a freebie (they always have something to give away)  And then kabuki peruses the edibles section.  Chocolate bar - kabuki says yes.  Peanut brittle - surprising good (and it made kabuki giggle for hours) .  Regardless of the amount of weed purchased, it goes into a litle glass jar.  how divine.  kabuki adores the little glass jars.  But now the trouble.  And those of you who know me - well you know kabuki can overlook most things.  BUT not the stupid names the Chads are calling the different varieties of WEED.  Let us investigate - white widow, pure kush, master kush, headband, blackwater og, fire og, out of this world, etc.  WHO IS LETTING THE CHADS NAME THE POTS? (sidenote: from now on all pot dealers will be called Chad.)  I realize that the employees of the medical marijuana dispensary are professional teenage weed dealers, but kabuki would prefer a more gentle, dare kabuki say - a more adult approach to medical marijuana management.  We could start with the pricing - $20 a gram seems harsh.  Then for the employees, at least one worker old enough to drive. Finally, a more attractive pot naming scheme - Chadswoths delight, Caramel bliss, Angel fart - whatever.  And finally. the reasonably priced non-idiotic named pot (all the Chads say 'medicine') could be placed into aubergine glass jars.  kabuki is pleased

Ho Ho Ho and Mistletoe and pretty girls

As you can no doubt tell, kabuki continues the long traditional of exquisitely tastefull Christmas decorations.  The 8 foot inflatable snowman was an early holiday gift for which kabuki begged for shamelessly.  For when it comes to taste, kabuki has no shame.  I an sure this comes as no surprise to my many readers, most of whom said 'where the hell is that moron?' .  Due to a complete and total lack of inspiration kabuki coasted thru life for a couple of months.  Some would say kabuki merely stopped to smell the roses, but this is simply not true.  The first week that the temperature remained in triple digits all of kabukis' rose bushes exploded.  Many a plant did not survive the summer.  Kabuki remains determined to plant a serene desert scape.  I shall try again this spring.  I shall perhaps try some soil amendments.  Especially if these pets of mine don't straighten up and fly right.  (late nite garden burials, kabuki will try to film it)  Adds a certain gothic charm to the front garden, don't you feel?  "The cockatoo, why she is right under that cactus.  Look how happy that cactus looks".  The good karma kabuki hoped to cultivate by sheltering some of God's poor misfit creatures is nowhere to be seen some days.  Kabuki will walk into the tha calmness of the living room to find a cockatoo chasing the chihuahua while the ringneck parakeet makes short work of a perfectly nice palm tree.  The African Grey provides color commentary for the events by louding saying things that are most definitely made up.  'Everybody stay here.  I'm going downstairs, hey handsome, I want some water, Elmo go outside', and so on. One morning kabuki walked in only to be serendaded by Max "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there".  Kabuki was unaware Max was so intune with kabuki's insurance needs.  Touching nes pas?
I have made a couple friends here in my little resort town.  kabuki plays bingo at the local casino with a neighbor and his Mom.   I have fixed a couple computers, done a little computer training, kabuki does stay a little busy.  I do spend time in the hot spa almost every day, I terrorize the deserving on twitter, and continue to rehab my little castle.  This fall saw a replacement wall unit ac, a new swamp cooler, a new water heater, and a new furnace.  I have replaced the flamed stitched couch in the living room, mostly because when I moved it outside to swap in a leather couch I accidentally ran over it.  No, things did not go well for the flame stitched mid-century modern sofa.  From Dupont Circle to a Desert Hot Springs dump, how the mighty have fallen.  Kabuki is sure there is a lesson there.  For someone.
kabuki wishes everyone a fabulous holiday season, and would like to say that any & all unwanted holiday gifts (of gold, diamonds, rubies, etc) not be returned to the store.  It is hurtful to the gift giver.  Instead, forward all such baubles to kabuki, and tell the gift giver that the cat ate the diamond tennis bracelet.  I offer this service because I care, kabuki is full of love, hope and some bourbon soaked fruit cake.  kabuki promises to provide more timely updates of the on-going adventures of this desert dwelling mega-star.  Be seein you

Where When Who How Why - what are you, a friggin journalist?

I spin slowly, balanced on just one toe.  I am suspended in my 10,000 gallon hot spa.  The music fades out, and the roar of the crowd is deafening.  Having just performed my classic water ballet, set to 'Let's get Physical', by Olivia Newton John.  (yes kabuki enoys the classical music, no phillistine here!)  Originally performed purely for the enjoyment of myself and a few night birds, kabuki was once again thrust onto the world stage when discovered by spy satellite.  (again)  Whenever kabuki is having the cell-phone difficulties - you can be sure a spy satellite is overhead.  Spying - its what they do.  I mean, it is their first name, for crying out loud.  Don't you people get it.  I am being watched, and perhaps one day you will be watched as well.  If you strive to become as interesting as kabuki - perhaps the heavens will smile on you.  I shall include you in my nitely prayers "Dear God - please make the talentless plebs who toil endlessly just a bit more like me - kabuki the wondrous.  Oh, and kabuki is still waiting for the porsche, know you're busy.  just sayin.  amen"  See, kabuki is still a giver, still cares about the little people - you know - YOU.  Can't you just feel the love.?

Anyhow kabuki has been touring the world with a 10,000 gallon replica of my local hot spa.  Performing several times a week, its all 24/7 for kabuki.  Thats 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.  I am retired after all.  kabuki still gotta shop and stuff.  I would delgeate, but who has my shopping prowess?  How many times have I heard myself say "What is that?  I want one."  Because the heart wants what the heart wants, I heard that on television (The O'Reilly Factor? maybe)  So as I was saying before I interrupted myself, kabuki is touring avec hot tub, performing spontaneous water ballets for the populace at large.  Spontaneous? Stop it! How refreshing!  Yes, rather than perform a perfect water dance twice kabuki creates a new water dance each performance.  Naturally there are those groupies who follow my tour bus from nation to nation.  But lets face it, kabuki has always had the groupies.  When beauty combines with talent often a large crowd is drawn, almost blindly, to follow the phenom.  And kabuki is known to mix it up occasionally.  Performing in Moscow (for all those communists) kabuki switched music.  kabuki performed a syncopated sensational to 'Maxwell's silver hammer' by the Beatles.  Clad in a chrome one piece -  the Moscowvites were stunned into silence.  And we all know how chatty communists are.  Dedicated to "Occupy Wall Street", kabuki will be performing the last show of the tour in Monaco.  I will be performing 'Castles Burning' by Neil Young.  I will be performing nude, and kabuki is sure you would approve.  "Its only castles burning, find someone who's turning, and you will come around."

Dancing my way back to you

It is a cold rainy night in Paris.  It rains whenever I visit, like Paris is teary-eyed over my inevitable departure.  Pity.  I am in the back of a filthy cab, hurtling towards who knows where?  I am clutching a half-eaten flan in my left hand, a silver spoon in my right.  I detest flan, like a gussied-up pudding pop.  Ever eco-friendly I open the window and fling it out.  (it is organic)  The silver spoon I pocket. although I wasn't born with it.  Maybe I'll have a yogurt later.  Not a greek yogurt, the spoon makes my butt hurt. (completely stolen humor)  I look down, oh my god!  A mixture of Prada and Armani.  Who dressed me, Anderson Cooper?  That tears it, I am having him declared 'enemy of the state'.   Who is giggling now?  Really, becauseI can hear giggling.  It is so disenheartening when ones innver voices titter away at some inside joke.  Only part of the reason I loathe them so.  As opposed to you, my loyal (and pretty) readers. Whom I just adore.  Stop over, I'll give you candy.  now back to our adventure.

"Take me to the Grand" I shriek at the driver.  It helps to shriek when in Paris.  They expect it, really,  Kabuki knows their is a 'Grand' in Paris, and kabuki knows this is where he belongs.  Kabuki just hopes it is not a Chicken and Waffles place, because kabuki is not  in the mood for food.  Kabuki is in the mood for love.  It may or may not be caused by my humpy neighbor, why must we question love?  Just wrap yourself in loves' embrace.  Fox also is a good wrap.  just sayin.  The cab comes to a stop in front of a red carpet, the rain has stopped, if a rainbow was out kabuki would call Disney and tell them to knock it off.  But no, so kabuki presses on.  What happens next is simply not to be believed.  And kabuki will tell you all about it, just as soon as I make it up. (merde) hang-on my lovelies