Thursday

Frisky felons unite, let us raise our glasses high


Another day in the life of kabuki zero. Some say legend, others say superstar. I will let you choose your own superlative for moi. (be nice) Yesterday I broke the unwritten law. I sold some of my jewelrys. You should never ever do that, but these are troubling times. I blame Hitler. He was bad and now he is dead, and I lay the blame at his little Nazi feet. (fat bastard) Appropriately attired I set off for the local jewelery buy/swap/sell store. (ick) I had been there when it was just a 'sell' store - apparently it has branched out. I walk in. There is an enormous Vuitton bag on the counter. A little man is trying to sell it. He is the store owner - and he has on way too much jewelry. And if kabuki thinks it is too much - oy vey! I walk over to him as the Vuitton customer declines to purchase said bag. "How much for the Vuitton bag?" I ask smartly. "A Grand" says little jewelry man. "Seems kinda low" I state to him. "Oh, it is $2700 at the LV shop" he says. Apparently I have passed the "Thousand Dollar Handbag" test. I guess if I had shrieked and looked stunned he would have escorted me out. "I would like to sell a few items" says I, reaching into my pocket. I noticed him eyeballing my diamond ring. "Not that" says I. Out comes a velvet box. I offer up my wedding band, a diamond cross, some little baubles. He picks up the cross "I am looking for larger stones" he says. He is wearing nothing larger than a .25 carat. But I would estimate he has on 10 carats of bling. (eeech) "That is .50 carat of white diamonds in 18K white gold" says me to little lord bling, "Give it back to me". and back into the velvet box it goes. I sell the assorted rings and such for some much needed cash. Thank god I switched to 18K gold years ago - or I would not have got a thin dime from that man. I notice the rolex watches in the case. "Would you like to see one of them?" he grins at me. "I have one thanks" I casually mention as I peer into his beady eyes. His salesperson hollers from across the store "the bank is on line one, they must speak to you before noon". He excuses himselfs and then stands directly in front of me as he speaks loudly into the phone. "Hi Brenda, did I overdraw again? My bad, just take Ten Thousand out of the other account to cover it. Thanks, bye". Who was that little display for, I wondered. Me, the salesperson, maybe even himself. I thank him, he thanks me, and I head off to Walmart to buy an installation kit for an icemaker, and a spline tool so I may re-screen the screen door. Several errands later I hit McDonalds with my netbook, and find out I am a big winner. I splurge and have french fries instead of salad. What decadence. I must still be dizzy from all those little diamonds shining at me this morning. I wonder if the jeweler makes the staff call him 'Mo Shiny Dee' or 'twinkle cracker'. I must stop in again soon. And remember to take my Vuitton shoulder bag. I have not played 'austentacious kingpin in years'. I am definitely going to need new flip-flops. Damn - I have to go back to Wal-Mart. It will have to be tomorrow. Today I must go downstairs and see what my sister has done to the kitchen. Smoothie all over the counter, and last night's dinner still hangs in the air. Let me hazard a guess. If you soaked a llama in raw sewage and then cremated the ass-end using a frypan, yes, I am going with that. Until we meet again fair reader - keep up the good fight, be kind to strangers, and put on something sparkly. I know I will.

9 comments:

  1. I shall watch for you on an upcoming edition of Pawn Stars.

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  2. Another day in the life of kabuki zero. Some say legend, others say superstar.

    How about Gigastar?

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  3. re-screen the screen door

    To protect your prize-winning furniture from being burgled, no doubt.

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  4. I'm a little tired today, let me get this straight -- Hitler runs a pawnshop?

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  5. Adolf's Leihhaus somewhere in Manila ...

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  6. Can you get your sister to send me her recipe for arse fried Llama, I've been looking for a recipe for years and the old thing will be too tough to eat soon...

    WV twood, are you having a tournament?

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  7. Several thoughts;

    Nice use of the seldom used word, “spline”

    Always endeavor to endow the Smithsonian with your castoff jewelrys.

    Austin Tacious makes an excellent drag name.

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  8. When pawning the ice, I always try to cry and work in the phrase "...my sainted mother...." along the way. It never helps, but it makes me feel better.

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  9. you've gone from herculon to white damask....pardon me.

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