Is it the dawn of aquarius yet? I must get a zodiac alarm watch, I would hate to sleep through any important astrological event. Like they could have a major astrological event withou kabuki being involved. I simply reek of astral significance. While we enjoy our 80 degree spring day (I think weather is soo confusing), let us chat among ourselves. I was cleaning my new digs when a knock sounded on the proverbial door. "Can I borrow your tape measure?" asked my neice sweetly. "Why? - oh go ahead, but I know where you live" I replied. She is my downstairs neighbor, although I must confess I was surprised she would want to measure anything. She is at that age (12-29 years) when ladies do very little measuring. Men-folk work and such. 4 Hours later I descend the stairs. "Do you have any duct tape?" my sister asks. "where the hell is my tape measure?" I ask my neice. "Mom used it after me, then Dad took it". Apparently I had missed some sort of family measuring event. I wonder if there were refreshments. I venture into the next room. "You can't have it back" my brother-in-law says "Because it is broken. They sure don't make things very well nowadays" he adds.That must be why his cheap ass never bought one. "Funny, I've have had it for years, it must have been on its last legs" I state. Then I go upstairs and get another one. "Here, see if this one will suffice. And if you break it, it's your ass" I tell the old geezer. "Better get your friends ready for your funeral" he says. People - on a bad day I could take him, and it was a good day. "I am not having a funeral. I want to be brought back to life" I inform him "So don't fuck with me". My relatives - eeeech! The reason I won everything is because I am a bit of a hoarder. The reason have two of everything is because my dumb-ass relatives usually borrow one- and break it. Then they are too scared to ask to borrow the other one, so I still have my stuff. In case I want to do something. Like build an altar, or take apart a microwave oven to make a ray gun. In case aliens attack. Or like maybe I would need a ray gun once I was a Zombie. Having been brought back to life, which is going to be my final wish. Because people are always trying to kill zombies. Because people can be some jealous bitches when it comes to the undead. At least that is how Hollywood portrays it. I will definitely have to look into this whole zombie-hating conspiracy, because Lord knows I will not have the time once I am undead. I plan to be busy, busy, busy. Probably eating brains and important things like that. Just so you know. Later
How could there ever possibly be an astrological event with out the star of the show???
ReplyDeleteSo, what the hell did she measure? And how big was it?
ReplyDeleteI am thankful that it was your niece knocking at your door... if it had been the creepy guy who never greets you, that would have been a scary couple of visits. Still, I wanna know what she was up to.
ReplyDeletePlease alert me to future astrological events.
You'll need your new cocktail napkins (see latest Infomaniac post) to dab the corners of your mouth after you've eaten Zombie brains.
ReplyDeleteJust don't spill any of those aforementioned brains on your sofa as the stains wiil- Oh, I don't know why I'm worrying. It'll be an excuse to get rid of the old tat, won't it?
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, by the way!
can't tell you how happy i am for you, winning that grand prize. maybe you can hock the prize and invest in a yardstick. that way, when someone comes to the door, you can whack them with your new stick.
ReplyDeletewv:pheagons- just what i expect to find here.
pretty girls have pretty furniture.
ReplyDelete