Another side of Kabuki

Many people only know the successful and glamorous Kabuki.  I am a multi-faceted being, not unlike the diamonds I adore.  You see I have a kind heart.  Much like St. Francis of Assisi I love my animal friends.  Some I wear, some I eat, and some I keep caged up.  If that is not love - what is?
 Let's discuss.  My oldest and dearest animal is my aged (14+) half-blind chihuahua.  Elmo is his name.  If I nailed a mink coat to the ceiling Elmo would find a way to sleep on it.  Because that is what he does.  He sleeps on luxurious things.  In the warmer months he likes to sit outside on cushioned patio furniture. Next is Kiwi - a Green Quaker parrot with one eye and a bad mood.  If you  hand her an almond she will eat it.  If you hand her anything else she will hold it in her beak long enough to establish eye contact, and then she will drop it on the floor.  She occasionally will fly about the house .  She looks a bit like a green-feathered blimp, and moves as fast.  You can actually pick her out of the air.  She plays peek-a-boo.  In a voice straight from the pits of hell you will hear "peek-a-boo".  You will never play peek-a-boo again.  Who knew Satans' minions had control of that game.  Or had assumed bird-form. Now we come to Max.  Max is a rescued bird, as is kiwi.  Max is a 13 year old African Grey parrot.  He will out live me, and I think that is only fair.  Because then he will know how just how good he had it.  Max will talk incessantly - as long as you are in another room.  Just often enough to scare the dickens out of me, he will say something when you are near.  I was letting Elmo drain the ole lizard at 2am.  I was standing at the door when behind me - in my voice - I hear"what are you doing?"  I said "I am letting Elmo out".  "I know" Max says.  Ok now it is time to get a priest in here.  Yet another demon-bird.  When he is bored he says "Can I get some water?".  If you actually refresh the water bowl, when you are walking away you will often hear "What's in this water?".  He will call the dog, tell the other bird to hush, he recently said to me "It's all about me".  I simply cannot understand their behaviour.  What entitled princess is sneaking into my home when I am away.  And teaching the animals to behave like spoiled children.  This borders on harrassment.  I am once again reminded of why children are not permitted in kabuki's home.  Because I simply don't have enough cages for them.  And if you tie them up -  ick - that's like getting all pedo and stuff.  You simply cannot free-range children in the home.  They will get fingerprints on everything.  I remember back to a kindler, gentler time.  I was driving my aunt and her two children somewhere in my cherry 66 mustang.  Red with black interior and a sassy 289 V8.  Suzy said to little Tommy "Don't pick your nose and wipe it on the seat".  I locked up all 4 brakes and skidded to a stop.  One simple look at little Tommy was all it took.  And that's what I gave him.  Because my aunt was a car nut as well.