Monday

A Day in the Life




I thought one might gain a little insight - or at least a little entertainment by spending a day with the illustrious kabuki zero.  The k in kabuki is lower-case because I am so modest.  Anywho, yesterday I arose at the crack of noon, gassed up the metallic purple station wagon (stop it), and headed up.  I say up because I was raised in the city, and east-west-south references are for losers.  If I need to head west I can only safely accomplish this at sundown.  Now you know a weakness.  Don't try and use it for leverage, it will buy you only sorrow.  I inadvertantly put the blank sdhc chip into the smart-phone - so now I have to listen to the radio.  Nothing adds to poorly-produced music like bad radio reception.  Ninety minutes later I have arrived at my destination.  My sisters' house. (My house sits behind my sisters' house, on her land). My humble home had been shuttered for the winter because of a plumbing malfunction.   I re-located to the house where my brother dwells.  For a winter visit.  Because they have water.  (I know)  I rarely drink it myself, unless it has been decontaminated by boiling, then further sanitized by adding a tea bag. 
  It was the week of Christmas when my sister announced that my house would be demolished in the spring. (Those bastards!)  Why?  Irrelevant.  Her land.  Happy Jesus' birthday to me.  How do you put a bow on that?  When I inquired about the empty two-bedroom apartment that sits atop same sisters' house I was told it was not available.  Plumbing issues.  (Do you see how a common thread runs through kabuki's rantings?  This is a sign of literary self-awarness.  Rare in one so young)  I returned home a beaten kabuki.  (but not for long.)
  I make weekly visits to my home to pick up my mail and make sure badgers have not moved in.  Because they will, and then your toiletries are ruined.  Do you want to apply Molton Brown's Ultralight Bai Ji Hydrator only to find a badger hair in it?  Another days grooming ruined, that is what that is.  And you don't get that time back.  At then end.  Of your life.  Even if you remember.  But you won't.  Another memory too painful to recall.  The human mind is resilient.
  On my next weekly visit I cornered my sister.  Many animals will attack when cornered, but kabuki can quickly dispense most of them.  "Why don't I fix the plumbing, and then pay you money instead of a storage facility?"  I offered.  "That way we help each other" I sweetly added.  "Better to keep it in the family" I closed the deal.  AND SCORE!  With a small caveat.  I am to perform one hour of cleaning downstairs - where my sister, her husband, the daughter and a half-dozen irish setters reside.  It is not all sunshine and rainbows for princess kabuki.  I am but a humble handmaiden to the cosmos.
  I returned to my brothers dwelling victorious.  I have gained a larger residence with more attractive vistas.  So life continues for kabuki.  A simple example of Magnetohydrodynamics.  Because I am just a simple man with simple needs.  So I shall simply see you anon.  kabuki zero

10 comments:

  1. Dear Mr Kabuki,just remember that a journey of 6 red setters begins with the first mop!
    Congratulations on scoring a housing upgrade.
    I just hope your new vistas do not include nextdoor neighbour brick walls!

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  2. The California sunshine (phonetically calling your name "Kaaaboookeee") anxiously awaits your relocation.

    Your nicer sister,
    Felix

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  3. I must devise an elaborate plan to remember that the "k" in "kabuki" is lower case.

    I have all night to sleep on it.

    In the meantime, I'm going to check my moisturizer for badger hairs.

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  4. goodgawdalmighty! My comment published without awaiting moderation! YAY!

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  5. kabuki is on a 20 acre horse farm. My vistas most often include horses asses. Both inside and outside. Zing! kabuki reminds Felix that kabuki is more than just red-carpet arm candy. And MJ, you may address kabuki in any form you desire.

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  6. I like "Miss kabuki".

    I'm here to report a beaver hair in my face cream.

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  7. Beavers are the reform school girls of the animal kingdom. That is why I don't play with them. kabuki

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  8. It never stopped you in the human kingdom.

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  9. I say feed the humans to the badgers, but let the dogs live.

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  10. *tiptoes in and places beaver hair in Peenee's night cream*

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