Monday

Conspiracies and Rumors 2010 edition


There is no truth to the rumor that Felix is actually an 87 year-old norwegian woman named Svenetta.  She does not have a pet cod named 'pluto', and is not allergic to lemon curd. She once worked as a barker for a traveling circus.  She can channel the ghost of Jacque Costeau - and does so at parties. 
MJ does not work for the Mounties.  She does have the Dudley Doo-right outfit - but she only wears it when she goes to sea.  She is an avid sailor and pilots a 37-foot schooner named Bite It.   Her pet beaver consistently wins 'best in show' in the annual Canadian Beaver Club trials.  Her beaver is named Jasper Winston Thurgood IV.  She is one of the Canandian Olympics Judges. Curling 
OZ's avatar is a fake.  He is a dead ringer for Channing Tatum.  His husband is a world-class grand prix driver and they travel they world on a private jet.  He has a black belt in dragon-fist kung fu and can kill you with an altoids tin.  He hates green olives and is immune to scorpion stings.
IVD actually lives in a brownstone in New York city.  He is into stock portfolios and victorian chandeliers.  He once had a hamster named mimi, but a dog ate her.  He now hates all dogs. He has a tattoo of the Mona Lisa on his right buttock, and was once a secret agent, on a part-time basis.  He has been to France 17 times.
NormaDesmond was once a professional bodybuilder.  He owns a string of gyms in the mid-west.  Always steriod-free, he is also a complete vegetarian.  He eats nothing but organic  vegetables - and siamese kittens (szchehuan style).  He has a purple heart from the war but doesn't talk about it.  He is slightly radioactive - but he is not affected by it.  The radiactivity actually helped clear up a unsightly rash.
My name is mob is several people, as stated.  The entire 7th grade english class in a small township in south africa. All children of priviledge- they had their first teacher fed to hippos.  They all have blond hair and blue eyes.  They are very creepy children.
BEAST is a small-set jewish man who lives in upstate New Jersey.  If Mia Farrow and Woody Allen had a child, and did not feed it much - well there you are.  Quiet and withdrawn, he is 132nd in line for the crown in Monaco.  He drives an all-black corvette with 600hp.  Some say he  is a sexual god.  He has 3 nipples.
Donn is canandian, but holds dual citizenship with Italy.  He has fathered 12 children with 9 different women  in Italy.  The children look exactly like him, even the girls.  He is rumored to have perfect genitalia.  It is by posing nude at sculpture classes that he meets most of his ladies.  Paris Hilton has his image painted on the ceiling of her bedroom.  He is being stalked by Random Chick, but is unaware of this.  He once ate 12 hamburgers at a cookout.  He can tell dirty jokes in 7 languages.
RandomChick has been in more asylums than thorazine.  She once thought she was Napoleon Bonaparte.  She is distantly related to him. She worked as an alligator-wrestler at a florida theme-park.  She has been a victoria's secret model.  She loves orange sherbet and has a warm place in her heart for frogs.  She is rumored to have an extensive weapons collection. If you are stranded  on a desert island - you better hope she is with you.  Her survival skills are legendary.
CyperPete is a 47 year old man from Liverpool.  He is the inventor of Snackwells devils food cookies.  Now a multi-millionaire he spends his time golfing, which he hates.  But he is really good at it.  He is considering starting a chain of chicken vindaloo restaurants in Iceland.  He has posed for playgirl.  He has his helicpoter pilots license, and is a raging homosexual.  Some say he has had sex with as many as 5 people.  Total - not at one time.  The man's got his dignity.  They say he is the bastard child of Dame Edna Everage and Tony Blair.  He dyes his hair.
Kabuki is a 53 year old man in virginia.  His grandmother mades bombs for the war.  He father was shot in the Korean war and became a crazed alcoholic.  His mother never said 'i love you'.  He was a gymnast, and still is an excellant dancer.  He has owned 30+ cars.  His favorite was the porsche, but the jag was sweet.  He loves to overdress for any occasion.  He has drank Chateau Lafite Rothschild out of the bottle while driving home from dinner.  He can turn invisible, and his favorite thing is to make people spit a drink out their nose.  It is advisable to abstain while in his presence.  He has called the white house to complain about the government.  He reminded them that he has written software for the president's office - and does not want to be taken lightly.  He recently wore white tights on his head and pretended he was a bunny rabbit - to amuse a white bunny rabbit.  It was only partly successful.
Many people were left out of this first edition of rumor-mongering, and we have yet to touch on any number of conspiracies.  more to follow.

23 comments:

  1. Mistress MJ's discerning eye will separate truth from rumour.

    Mistress MJ does indeed have a prizewinning beaver.

    And yes, Donn's genitalia are perfect.

    And it's a no-brainer that CyberPete is a raging homosexual.

    While it is true that Beast has 3 nipples, he most certainly is NOT a sexual god.

    For a moment I thought you were saying that you're a 53 year old virgin but I see I've misread that bit.

    Regarding IVD's buttock tattoo...

    For a price, Mistress MJ will tell you what's tattooed on his LEFT buttock.

    And for a little bit extra, she will investigate the butt tattoos of everyone mentioned above!

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  2. Oh, one more thing.

    I shall be alerting my readers to this rumour-mongering post-haste.

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  3. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about” Oscar Wilde

    Wow you really did your homework :)
    All of those women who had my babies look-a-lika Monica Bellucci damn her and her restraining orders..don't you think that 5,280 feet is a bit excessive?

    Anyway, I must confess that I am really only conversant in tree langwidge..h'anglish da best but I can still tell jokes and get thrown in jail, in seven.

    I had no idea that RC was stalking me, I thought that I was stalking her?

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  4. Thank you Miss Kabuki,
    It all makes perfect sense now.
    I shall look forward to your next expos`e with much anticipation.

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  5. oh my god that is bloody hysterical! love it.

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  6. Just for the record, I'm only 27 and I don't dye my hair.

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  7. my sincere apologies cypberpee - my fact checkers only check the second digit for age inquiries. Perhaps they meant you should dye your hair? I only repeat what I hear or make up.

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  8. I too have a tattoo on my right buttock. It's of my left buttock.

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  9. dish, sugar! this is fascinating! xoxox

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  10. I don't know about MJ's beaver but she has a grey pussy.

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  11. Apart from the blonde hair, although whether mine is or not is a matter of argument, that sounds spookily accurate. Are you one of my psychologists by any chance?
    But MJ won't be investigating any of my butt tattoos as there isn't enough danger money in the world that would persuade her to *sigh* *Looks all doe-eyed in her direction*

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  12. Mr Mags!!! *gasp*
    Anyhow, I agree with Mr Coppens:
    “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about” Oscar Wilde.
    *storms out in a huff of scarlet*
    Sx

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  13. "Cyberpee"...hahaha!!!

    I see Miss Felix, er, Svenetta, has yet to show her face.

    Hello bitches! And welcome to Planet kabuki!


    wv: bingsly
    Bingsly, bring me my cocktail. There's a good man.

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  14. Oh, thank you very much Mago.

    Now I have to show kabuki my pussy.

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  15. Actually, I've been to France 18 times, but the 7th didn't take, so you're quite correct, i suppose.

    P.S. I always imagined Donn to have perfect genetalia

    P.P.S. I still do the secret agenting. No, wait, I meant: I do secret agents.

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  16. Would anyone like to try my matzo balls

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  17. Every damn word is true. I will wrestle any alligator who looks at me sideways.

    I heard that Donn's balls were the double for Health Ledger's in Broke Back Mountain...

    MJ, when are you going to show us your prize-winning beaver?

    Beast, how big are your matzo balls?

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  18. Ya, dis ees very goot, Meester Kabooki.

    *strokes 'pluto' under the gills*

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  19. That Random Chick is ball crazy.

    And I, for one, have no desire to sample Beast's matzo balls.

    Oh I see Svenetta finally put her teeth in and joined us.

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  20. Well, hmmm....yes, I suspected as much. Now at least I can go to sleep easier. Thank you, Kabuki.
    I can't tell you how often wondering what MJ's beaver was named kept me up at night.

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  21. kabuki thanks one and all for participating in todays follies. Remember we laugh because we can. Now I am off to put the finishing touches on my Dr. Smith impression "Why you mumbling mass of metal!" We shall be in touch soon

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  22. How about Nickel Plated Nincompoop?

    Or Nattering Ninny?

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