Dr. Love (only he fills my prescription)

Is my head dissolving?  What have they done to me?

I am at my in-laws recuperating from my ordeal.  All went as well  as could be expected - sort of.  We await biopsy results.  As I went to a teaching hospital - if I charged admission to my room the procedures would have paid for themselves with enough left over to send nurse #3 back to IV class. (nuff said).  I arrived at my destination early, hunger gnawing at the root of my being.  Information directed me to the hallway next to the CAFETERIA, those bastards!  Looking back, it was probably a smart decision to house Digestive Health at that location.  I entered the waiting room, leather chairs in green & purple.  (That's probably why they don't let you eat.  naseua)  The waiting room looked like a bruise.  Flat screen televisions on opposing walls blared.  It was 6:30am.  Left wall tv - Good Morning America.  Right wall tv - a movie channel.  What movie? I don't know.  A man and women screeching at each other like howler monkeys, then a lot of moaning. (I think she stabbed him, I would have).  Waiting Room - devoid of life.  Eventually a lady sat at the reception desk.  I handed her my paperwork, she handed it back.  She then handed me blank forms to fill out.  (They were very similar to the forms I handed her, the forms I had been instructed to bring with me.)  Schadenfreude.  My brother (my driver), disappeared to smoke a ciggy.  He had to go miles away, I wished him well. 
  They eventually took me in a backroom, removed my garments, gave me a gown large enough to cover a buick, and footies.  Actually I demanded the footies - they were darling!  (the little things mean so much)   A barrage of doctor/students, doctor/teachers, nurse/sadists, nurse/comedians and too many other people to list paraded through.  I noticed someone came in the next room with a police escort.  A rather large police escort.  How extremely inappropriate.  There were no paparazzi, they would have been dogging kabuki anyway.  Safely esconced in an amazingly uncomfortable bed - they wheeled me into my procedure room. 
  While all this madness was going on, people kept asking me why I was there.  Like it was a seance. "Tell us why you are here?  Give us a sign!"  I would tell them about my two procedures - they would say no, only one procedure.  I would say "OK", they would ask why I thought I was having two procedures.  I would say "Because that is what my Doctor told me".  They would ask me if i 'wanted?' the second procedure and I would say 'not particularly'  and then they would go away.  I finally told the last person who asked me that I was there for a little liposuction and a cheeseburger.  It must be the long hours, the medical community has no discernible sense of humor.  kabuki is a very funny person in the flesh. (I believe this has been covered in chapter 1.)
 Doctor/Student and Doctor/Teacher were in the procedure room, as well as several nurses I had not seen before.  I told each nurse in turn 'You look beautiful today."  Then I asked her to marry me.  One nurse said "We're not the ones operating the scope".  I informed her I was going to flatter everyone in the room regardless of their role.  (the little people so often go overlooked, and a blanket "I would like to thank the academy" just is not enough.  Sharing - look it up)  Doctor/Student came over, refused my marriage proposal, and said "Looking at your chart, it seems you are scheduled for two procedures".  "Imagine that" I said not so sweetly.  Hunger was rapidly damaging my cheery disposition.  That and stupid Doctor/student people.  "Your choice" doctor/student said.  "I am here, I am naked, I haven't eaten anything in 36 hours, lets do this thing"  I stated.  "OK", she replied, and nurse put the good stuff in my IV.
  I was supposed to go 'twilight' for the butt-camera, and 'dark' for the throat-camera, but I have no more memory.  I am pretty sure they tortured me.  "Beauty Secrets, tell us your beauty secrets" they probably demanded.  I know my ninja mind-training held up.  If only they would just read my blog.  It would be a kinder, gentler world if only they would read my blog. 
  I awoke back in my little back room, brother and nurse #3 were there.  Probably conspiring - I have my suspicions.  "Oh nurse, I thought I was going 'twilight'?  Why do I not remember a damn thing?"  I inquired.  "Oh, the 'twilight' drug causes amnesia" she replied all medically-like.  "What you talkin bout Willis?" I tossed out.  She stared into space.  "No one mentioned this to me, and I have spoken to half the staff" I offered up.  "Oh" she said, and that was that.  "By the way, we only did the one procedure.  The Doctor ran out of time"  she informed me.  Was this a new game show?  'Beat the Operating Room Clock' a merv griffin production.  Maybe Doctor/teacher had a luncheon appointment?  Maybe he could not stand Doctor/student another minute.  I can't say - because I have amnesia.  I feel like a soap opera episode (or three).  "Doctor, will kabuki ever walk the tightrope again?  Will the amnesia make him forget his love of spelunking?"  Stay tuned.
  It does appear I will recover.  Procedure two will be another exciting adventure.  I should write it down.  Oh yeah. Nevermind.  Thanks to my well-wishers, your good wishes were felt by my heart.  It did lift my spirits to know I had people pulling for me.  just remember - kabuki got your back.  peace.


  1. I'm so glad it's over, but not too happy about the fact that you'll have to go back at some point for 'down the throat'.

  2. I’m so relieved the procedure went well. I have on numerous occasions been the person designated to drive the victim home and wait endlessly in the lobby reading thirty year old magazines. I would be on Angie’s list post haste to inform the world that the doctor in charge ran off for a golf date before he could accomplish procedure #2. While you have me knocked out please do everything necessary to insure that I don’t have to repeat my twilight/amnesia experience!

  3. Twilight amnesia? Are you claiming you don't remember the twenty bucks you borrowed in the operating room? The nerve.

  4. Your Experience sounds vaguely familiar.
    I am very glad that all went well, although you do have amnesia, i am apalled but not surprised by your doctors behaviour, possibly running late for collecting share dividends from investments in twilight drug?...

  5. I don't mean to be cruel during your post-op but your beauty secrets aren't doing you much good when your lipliner is stuck on heavier than your wig.

    Just sayin'.

  6. When are you going to post the doctor's photos of your interior so we can critique the decor?

  7. MJ commented on your lip liner, so I had to go back up and look at the picture.

    You know, it looks like a 1950s era Elsa Lancaster, around the time she play "Evelyn Holmesby the hatchet murderess" on I Love Lucy. In a Mamie-pink wig, of course.

  8. the doctor ran out of time? what, are some intestines miles longer than others? does one person take 20 minutes and another 3 hours?

    i've had the endo as well. i woke up during it & they VERY quickly upped whatever knocks one out, because i was down before i was up.

    glad you're in recovery and hope you find solace in the fact that you won't need to do it again for many years.

  9. Miss J is well-acquainted with the lack of funny-bone in the medical community. She wishes Kabuki good health and best of luck with Procedure 2.

  10. Ghastly. What are ya gonna do? Die of em-bare-ass-ment? Curse these horrid western diets..if only we were raised on ruffage we wouldn't need all this roto-rootering!

    I'm glad that you made the most of it and got the slippies. Think about the poor miserable joyless technicians who get in 18 holes a day.
    Seriously? Is there a worse job?

    Anyway you survived none the worse for wear.

  11. Hey look who's here...

    It's Donn!

    Along with Kevin and Mistress MJ, that makes three Canucks.

    We are infiltrating kabukiland.

    Poutine, anyone?

  12. do not touch this evel concocktion called poutine, Kabuki-san.

  13. i would not scrape it off my boot with a stick. I'd just throw the whole mess out.

  14. Fine.

    See if any of you get maple syrup from me!