Is my head dissolving? What have they done to me?
I am at my in-laws recuperating from my ordeal. All went as well as could be expected - sort of. We await biopsy results. As I went to a teaching hospital - if I charged admission to my room the procedures would have paid for themselves with enough left over to send nurse #3 back to IV class. (nuff said). I arrived at my destination early, hunger gnawing at the root of my being. Information directed me to the hallway next to the CAFETERIA, those bastards! Looking back, it was probably a smart decision to house Digestive Health at that location. I entered the waiting room, leather chairs in green & purple. (That's probably why they don't let you eat. naseua) The waiting room looked like a bruise. Flat screen televisions on opposing walls blared. It was 6:30am. Left wall tv - Good Morning America. Right wall tv - a movie channel. What movie? I don't know. A man and women screeching at each other like howler monkeys, then a lot of moaning. (I think she stabbed him, I would have). Waiting Room - devoid of life. Eventually a lady sat at the reception desk. I handed her my paperwork, she handed it back. She then handed me blank forms to fill out. (They were very similar to the forms I handed her, the forms I had been instructed to bring with me.) Schadenfreude. My brother (my driver), disappeared to smoke a ciggy. He had to go miles away, I wished him well.
They eventually took me in a backroom, removed my garments, gave me a gown large enough to cover a buick, and footies. Actually I demanded the footies - they were darling! (the little things mean so much) A barrage of doctor/students, doctor/teachers, nurse/sadists, nurse/comedians and too many other people to list paraded through. I noticed someone came in the next room with a police escort. A rather large police escort. How extremely inappropriate. There were no paparazzi, they would have been dogging kabuki anyway. Safely esconced in an amazingly uncomfortable bed - they wheeled me into my procedure room.
While all this madness was going on, people kept asking me why I was there. Like it was a seance. "Tell us why you are here? Give us a sign!" I would tell them about my two procedures - they would say no, only one procedure. I would say "OK", they would ask why I thought I was having two procedures. I would say "Because that is what my Doctor told me". They would ask me if i 'wanted?' the second procedure and I would say 'not particularly' and then they would go away. I finally told the last person who asked me that I was there for a little liposuction and a cheeseburger. It must be the long hours, the medical community has no discernible sense of humor. kabuki is a very funny person in the flesh. (I believe this has been covered in chapter 1.)
Doctor/Student and Doctor/Teacher were in the procedure room, as well as several nurses I had not seen before. I told each nurse in turn 'You look beautiful today." Then I asked her to marry me. One nurse said "We're not the ones operating the scope". I informed her I was going to flatter everyone in the room regardless of their role. (the little people so often go overlooked, and a blanket "I would like to thank the academy" just is not enough. Sharing - look it up) Doctor/Student came over, refused my marriage proposal, and said "Looking at your chart, it seems you are scheduled for two procedures". "Imagine that" I said not so sweetly. Hunger was rapidly damaging my cheery disposition. That and stupid Doctor/student people. "Your choice" doctor/student said. "I am here, I am naked, I haven't eaten anything in 36 hours, lets do this thing" I stated. "OK", she replied, and nurse put the good stuff in my IV.
I was supposed to go 'twilight' for the butt-camera, and 'dark' for the throat-camera, but I have no more memory. I am pretty sure they tortured me. "Beauty Secrets, tell us your beauty secrets" they probably demanded. I know my ninja mind-training held up. If only they would just read my blog. It would be a kinder, gentler world if only they would read my blog.
I awoke back in my little back room, brother and nurse #3 were there. Probably conspiring - I have my suspicions. "Oh nurse, I thought I was going 'twilight'? Why do I not remember a damn thing?" I inquired. "Oh, the 'twilight' drug causes amnesia" she replied all medically-like. "What you talkin bout Willis?" I tossed out. She stared into space. "No one mentioned this to me, and I have spoken to half the staff" I offered up. "Oh" she said, and that was that. "By the way, we only did the one procedure. The Doctor ran out of time" she informed me. Was this a new game show? 'Beat the Operating Room Clock' a merv griffin production. Maybe Doctor/teacher had a luncheon appointment? Maybe he could not stand Doctor/student another minute. I can't say - because I have amnesia. I feel like a soap opera episode (or three). "Doctor, will kabuki ever walk the tightrope again? Will the amnesia make him forget his love of spelunking?" Stay tuned.
It does appear I will recover. Procedure two will be another exciting adventure. I should write it down. Oh yeah. Nevermind. Thanks to my well-wishers, your good wishes were felt by my heart. It did lift my spirits to know I had people pulling for me. just remember - kabuki got your back. peace.