Monday

Dr. Love (only he fills my prescription)

Is my head dissolving?  What have they done to me?

I am at my in-laws recuperating from my ordeal.  All went as well  as could be expected - sort of.  We await biopsy results.  As I went to a teaching hospital - if I charged admission to my room the procedures would have paid for themselves with enough left over to send nurse #3 back to IV class. (nuff said).  I arrived at my destination early, hunger gnawing at the root of my being.  Information directed me to the hallway next to the CAFETERIA, those bastards!  Looking back, it was probably a smart decision to house Digestive Health at that location.  I entered the waiting room, leather chairs in green & purple.  (That's probably why they don't let you eat.  naseua)  The waiting room looked like a bruise.  Flat screen televisions on opposing walls blared.  It was 6:30am.  Left wall tv - Good Morning America.  Right wall tv - a movie channel.  What movie? I don't know.  A man and women screeching at each other like howler monkeys, then a lot of moaning. (I think she stabbed him, I would have).  Waiting Room - devoid of life.  Eventually a lady sat at the reception desk.  I handed her my paperwork, she handed it back.  She then handed me blank forms to fill out.  (They were very similar to the forms I handed her, the forms I had been instructed to bring with me.)  Schadenfreude.  My brother (my driver), disappeared to smoke a ciggy.  He had to go miles away, I wished him well. 
  They eventually took me in a backroom, removed my garments, gave me a gown large enough to cover a buick, and footies.  Actually I demanded the footies - they were darling!  (the little things mean so much)   A barrage of doctor/students, doctor/teachers, nurse/sadists, nurse/comedians and too many other people to list paraded through.  I noticed someone came in the next room with a police escort.  A rather large police escort.  How extremely inappropriate.  There were no paparazzi, they would have been dogging kabuki anyway.  Safely esconced in an amazingly uncomfortable bed - they wheeled me into my procedure room. 
  While all this madness was going on, people kept asking me why I was there.  Like it was a seance. "Tell us why you are here?  Give us a sign!"  I would tell them about my two procedures - they would say no, only one procedure.  I would say "OK", they would ask why I thought I was having two procedures.  I would say "Because that is what my Doctor told me".  They would ask me if i 'wanted?' the second procedure and I would say 'not particularly'  and then they would go away.  I finally told the last person who asked me that I was there for a little liposuction and a cheeseburger.  It must be the long hours, the medical community has no discernible sense of humor.  kabuki is a very funny person in the flesh. (I believe this has been covered in chapter 1.)
 Doctor/Student and Doctor/Teacher were in the procedure room, as well as several nurses I had not seen before.  I told each nurse in turn 'You look beautiful today."  Then I asked her to marry me.  One nurse said "We're not the ones operating the scope".  I informed her I was going to flatter everyone in the room regardless of their role.  (the little people so often go overlooked, and a blanket "I would like to thank the academy" just is not enough.  Sharing - look it up)  Doctor/Student came over, refused my marriage proposal, and said "Looking at your chart, it seems you are scheduled for two procedures".  "Imagine that" I said not so sweetly.  Hunger was rapidly damaging my cheery disposition.  That and stupid Doctor/student people.  "Your choice" doctor/student said.  "I am here, I am naked, I haven't eaten anything in 36 hours, lets do this thing"  I stated.  "OK", she replied, and nurse put the good stuff in my IV.
  I was supposed to go 'twilight' for the butt-camera, and 'dark' for the throat-camera, but I have no more memory.  I am pretty sure they tortured me.  "Beauty Secrets, tell us your beauty secrets" they probably demanded.  I know my ninja mind-training held up.  If only they would just read my blog.  It would be a kinder, gentler world if only they would read my blog. 
  I awoke back in my little back room, brother and nurse #3 were there.  Probably conspiring - I have my suspicions.  "Oh nurse, I thought I was going 'twilight'?  Why do I not remember a damn thing?"  I inquired.  "Oh, the 'twilight' drug causes amnesia" she replied all medically-like.  "What you talkin bout Willis?" I tossed out.  She stared into space.  "No one mentioned this to me, and I have spoken to half the staff" I offered up.  "Oh" she said, and that was that.  "By the way, we only did the one procedure.  The Doctor ran out of time"  she informed me.  Was this a new game show?  'Beat the Operating Room Clock' a merv griffin production.  Maybe Doctor/teacher had a luncheon appointment?  Maybe he could not stand Doctor/student another minute.  I can't say - because I have amnesia.  I feel like a soap opera episode (or three).  "Doctor, will kabuki ever walk the tightrope again?  Will the amnesia make him forget his love of spelunking?"  Stay tuned.
  It does appear I will recover.  Procedure two will be another exciting adventure.  I should write it down.  Oh yeah. Nevermind.  Thanks to my well-wishers, your good wishes were felt by my heart.  It did lift my spirits to know I had people pulling for me.  just remember - kabuki got your back.  peace.

14 comments:

  1. I'm so glad it's over, but not too happy about the fact that you'll have to go back at some point for 'down the throat'.

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  2. I’m so relieved the procedure went well. I have on numerous occasions been the person designated to drive the victim home and wait endlessly in the lobby reading thirty year old magazines. I would be on Angie’s list post haste to inform the world that the doctor in charge ran off for a golf date before he could accomplish procedure #2. While you have me knocked out please do everything necessary to insure that I don’t have to repeat my twilight/amnesia experience!

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  3. Twilight amnesia? Are you claiming you don't remember the twenty bucks you borrowed in the operating room? The nerve.

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  4. Your Experience sounds vaguely familiar.
    I am very glad that all went well, although you do have amnesia, i am apalled but not surprised by your doctors behaviour, possibly running late for collecting share dividends from investments in twilight drug?...

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  5. I don't mean to be cruel during your post-op but your beauty secrets aren't doing you much good when your lipliner is stuck on heavier than your wig.

    Just sayin'.

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  6. When are you going to post the doctor's photos of your interior so we can critique the decor?

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  7. MJ commented on your lip liner, so I had to go back up and look at the picture.

    You know, it looks like a 1950s era Elsa Lancaster, around the time she play "Evelyn Holmesby the hatchet murderess" on I Love Lucy. In a Mamie-pink wig, of course.

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  8. the doctor ran out of time? what, are some intestines miles longer than others? does one person take 20 minutes and another 3 hours?

    i've had the endo as well. i woke up during it & they VERY quickly upped whatever knocks one out, because i was down before i was up.

    glad you're in recovery and hope you find solace in the fact that you won't need to do it again for many years.

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  9. Miss J is well-acquainted with the lack of funny-bone in the medical community. She wishes Kabuki good health and best of luck with Procedure 2.

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  10. Ghastly. What are ya gonna do? Die of em-bare-ass-ment? Curse these horrid western diets..if only we were raised on ruffage we wouldn't need all this roto-rootering!

    I'm glad that you made the most of it and got the slippies. Think about the poor miserable joyless technicians who get in 18 holes a day.
    Seriously? Is there a worse job?

    Anyway you survived none the worse for wear.

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  11. Hey look who's here...

    It's Donn!

    Along with Kevin and Mistress MJ, that makes three Canucks.

    We are infiltrating kabukiland.

    Poutine, anyone?

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  12. do not touch this evel concocktion called poutine, Kabuki-san.

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  13. i would not scrape it off my boot with a stick. I'd just throw the whole mess out.

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  14. Fine.

    See if any of you get maple syrup from me!

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