Men, Madness and Machines

Have you ever spent the entire day somewhere you knew you weren't  wanted?  Ick!  I should have gotten out of bed, driven to The Watergate Bakery and eaten Napoleons until I fell into a deep sugar coma.  The bakers would say "Leave him, he looks like an angel when he's comatose."  And I bet I do, because sometimes I look like an angel when I am awake.  I digress.  I cast my eyes about my relative's study turned kabuki-warren.  No room for improvement here - it's just me and a few my niceites.  "Why did you bring that?"  my sister-in-law asked every time I walked in from my car.  "It's a box of expensive jewelery, I didn't want to leave it on the side of the road.  I'm just stupid that way." I replied.  I should have brought my broadsword and my mirror-ball collection - that would screw with her head.  But my nice side prevailed.  One day I am going to stomp my nice side into a mud-puddle and leave it for dead.  I remember my favorite bartender, everytime someone dropped a bar glass, he would say "Well I guess we just can't have nice things".   I feel that way about being nice.  I shouldn't have to be nice.  I would like a 'get out of nice' card.  It would have been handy today.  (and everyday)  So anyway - I went to MacDonalds - because it was late, I was rushed, I was cash-deprived, and I wanted a  99cent fish-sandwich, just like they showed on the television.  I hate the local MacDonalds.  It is staffed by idiots, decorated with fake civil war memorabilia, and they keep the temperature a steady 64 degrees - so you don't linger.  Like you would - "Oh Clarisse, take my photo next to Ronald MacDonald and this pile of plastic cannon-balls.  The girls at bingo will pee".  Continuing on.  I asked the young lady at the counter "Do you have the 99cent fish sandwich, like on tv?"  "NO, we don't honor that tv ad.  You have to go to Fredericksburg for that" she snapped.  Like I had asked if I could spit in her hair.  Which is silly, because I wouldn't ask.  "OK, I'll drive the 8 miles to Fredericksburg and get one" I answered and walked out.  I guess most people, who are probably going that way anyway, go ahead and pay the extra $2 dollars.  My plans already scrambled. (I wan't really going that direction) I wanted to get an iced tea at this MacDonalds then stop at the one 30 miles away and pee, then get another iced tea there.  Because kabuki likes some iced tea.  Word!  Ask felix - he knows.  So I go to the MacDonalds 30 miles away, go in and get my iced tea.  And a 99cent fish sandwich.  But I didn't pee.  The next 40 miles of my trip are mountainous and boring.  The occasional vista - but mostly rednecks in cheap cars.  Woowoo - my city-boy is showing, must dial it down.  I turn on the country music station, and put on a ballcap.  THAT IS A TOTAL LIE.  Just seeing if you know the real kabuki - who don't dosi-fucking-doe.  And I have no friends in low places.  I stop at chez moi "The Cathedral", and I don't even go inside.  It will just depress the fuck out of me.  I might just staple myself to the attractive wood-paneling.  I pick up my junk mail, well worth the 90minute trip. The house and my mostly restored bmw 5 series are both still intact.  Off to WalMart to refill a prescription.  Now here is where I become a little bit of a GREAT BIG LIAR AGAIN.  Walmart  does not really mind kabuki.  I kinda brighten up the place.  Notice I didn't save 'liven'.  That is taken care of by the 50 unsupervised latin children dashing in and out of the eldery shoppers.  I don't know why the local latin population doesn't supervise their children - but they do not.  Anywhere.  Ever.  Not a judgement, an observation.  I guess nobody is stealing them.  Because you couldn't pry a white kid loose from his dead mother's hand.  If it came to that.  Which is doesn't.  Because they are in daycare.  And the moms are at work.  I drop off my prescription, tell the nice lady I will wait.  I ask about the pictures of a newborn taped to every square inch of the counter.  In one photo an extremely beefy hairy arm is poking the unattractive infant.  "These are twins, they are from one of our cashiers.  She's not here".  DUH.  "What's with the scary arm frightenening the baby?", I had to ask.  "I don't know, it's just somebody's arm" the cashier replied.  I noticed she was not filling out a MENSA application.  Go figure.  I go and sit at the free blood-pressure machine, mostly to piss off the 4 year that keeps leaping from the back of the chair.  "Stop that" his mother says.  Not only has he been doing it for at least 5 minutes, he has already stopped.  Because I am sitting in the chair.  I smile evilly at the woman and she drags her child off.  pity. maybe she can find another playground in sporting goods.  I check my bloodpressure.  If this is working I am already dead.  What a horror.  The pharmacist would say "Leave him, he looks like an angel when he's dead."   And I bet I do, because sometimes I look like an angel when I am alive.  I go shopping.  I buy two pair of fluffy red socks ($1.50), a pomegranite bath gift set ($1.00) and food for a bunny, two birds, and a crazy-ass chihuahua ($3.42, 3.86. and 1.25).  I look at a valentine orchid plant - which should be blooming in about two weeks from the looks of it - but discard it.  Power shopping involves sacrifice.  I know my 30-day prescription is $8.00 ($4.00 advertised prescriptions are for other people apparently)  Time to checkout.  The cashier I recognize from before.  She tried to give me a bird last time I was in Walmart.  She had rehabilitated a cockatiel rescued from a cat's mouth.  Head slightly chewed.  She had notice my bird seed purchase.  I told her if she was still unable to place it after I moved back, I would care for it.  It was fine, just looked a little bedraggled.  kabuki's bird diet of fresh fruit, veggies, pellets, seed and LOVE has the kabuki flock looking fine.  When I was placing baby lovebirds at the pet store you could tell my birds from across the room.  If only you could cage children, I might have given it a go.  Water under the bridge.  I depart, and decide to stop in at my pet store, just to chat.  It's on the way back.  I pop in.  The owner, his young daughter and her cutie-pie husband are there.  The daughter and cutie-pie love me.  The owner not so much, but I am growing on him.  Not every can fully enjoy the kabuki experience.  I pity them, but only in a small way.  The owner seems extremely not interested in my visit.  The daughter is playing with a sugarglider.  I ask her why she is holding vermin.  She just laughs.  Her husband shows me the glow in the dark aquarium plants.  kooky.  I don't know how I feel about 'glow in the dark' flora.  I make a hasty exit, but I promise to be back soon.  I make way to my 'new abode'.  I stop in downstairs, my extremely overeducated sister has touched her satellite receiver - and now it doesn't work (again).  Her husband is less than thrilled to see me and have no television.  If I stay I will have to fix it (again).  "Just stopped in to say I'm still alive" I say to them.  "Not too many people die from a colonoscopy" grumpy husbands says.  Okey doke, time to drive back to my bed.  In a house with people who don't want me there.  I should arrive just in time to clean up the dinner plates.  (I did).  And not recognize what they had for dinner (I didn't)  And eat leftovers from something I cooked (I did).  And wonder why I spent all day yesterday crying. Sigh.  If spring doesn't show up soon I am going to track it down, plant my foot in its ass, and drag it into my life.  Keep the home fires lit, in case I need somewhere warm to rest.  Adieu


  1. And here I was gonna give you a hall pass. Mister XL, I gonna eat your lunch!

  2. The kabuki LOVES him some iced tea. Trust me, I know.

    Dearest KZ-

  3. I think Felix has the right idea, but I don't know if you could fit a trip into a schedule as buzzing as yours.

  4. You know, glow in the dark flora might add a festive touch to Chez Kabuki. Just saying.

  5. "Leave him, he looks like an angel when he's comatose." And I bet I do, because sometimes I look like an angel when I am awake.

    Mistress MJ believes that kabuki is a messenger of the Gods.

    Not every can fully enjoy the kabuki experience.

    Then they are fools.

    Since when does McDonalds serve ice tea? Mistress MJ hasn’t set foot inside a McDonalds in 5 years or more.

    Oh Hai, XL!

  6. “I hate the local MacDonalds. It is staffed by idiots,”

    I’ve come to realize that all McDonalds are staffed by idiots and are nothing like the sweet, pretty educated people portrayed in commercials. ALL of the McDonalds on the Gulf Coast are staffed by Eastern European slaves that don’t speak English and merely push a picture of a burger or fries on the computer. This angers me when the job could be filled by a lazy black girl with a nasty attitude. Which makes me fly into ‘Burger Rage’ after ordering hotcakes and I ask for butter...“WHAT?...What do you mean you are out of butter?” At which point I fling my tray of piping hot hotcakes into the slaves face and demand my money back and insist they ring for the manager.

  7. I miss my lazy black girls with attitude (single girls say HEY) Who else understands a head pop with the words "Girrrllll, I am trying to get my shake on".