Saturday

Olympic Observations


I have been watching the 2010 Winter Olympics, except for women's hockey.  I just cannot feature that.  You can do it, but I am not going to watch it.  The two man bobsledding is on currently.  The second guy looks like a linebacker.  He runs real fast, then jumps into the sled and ducks in tight behind the driver.  That would annoy me.  "Little room here, I am trying to drive" I can here myself saying.  Lurking around, I know SOMEONE who would probably be good at that. (xl)  I'm just saying.  The color commentator just said the driver has been involved in the sport since he was two weeks old.  I am sure that is illegal everywhere.  Damn european bloc countries.  Medals Medals Medals - they're not that functional really.  Wear it to a club, spin around, clock your date upside the head.  Anybody got any ribbon cleaner?  Maybe woolite will work.  Haven't been solid gold for decades.  They call that 'costume jewelry' where I am from.  You can get it on the shopping channel.  "A lovely gold vermeil medallion on a gross-grain ribbon.  Two payments of 24.99, and it ships today." Miss Shopping Lady says things like the at all the time.  
  Apparently there are carbon fiber noses on the bobsleds.  That would come in handy on the skeletons they were careening towards death on yesterday. They are made out of coat hangers.  I admire the drivers.  When careening towards death, going 90 miles an hour head-first in a skin-tight catsuit is the way to go.  Scare the dickens out of St. Peter as you crash into those pearly gates.  And steering.  Let's discuss.  Luge, skeleton, bobsled - all events have 'steering'.  Hogwash!  I would rather go down that run on a trashcan lid with a spaghetti fork as a rudder.   Like those little sticks they give the skiers.  Everybody knows those sticks are to stab at the bears as they chase after you.  That is why cross-country skiing has lost favor.  Bears ate most of them.  (Little known Olympic trivia)  Why do you think some of them carry guns?  To be fair those little pop guns wouldn't scare off a titmouse.  Probably piss the bear off.  I'd use it as a cudgel. 
   Ice skating.  Felix mentioned the feathered accessories of the gold medal men's ice skater.  He thought they were a tad effete.  Really?  The sequined vest and tie of the silver medal winner didn't seem as feminine to him.  Two words Felix.  FA SHION!  (feathers are HOT HOT  HOT!) Ice dancing.  I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.  The tango was a good choice.  I have been mad for tango since last spring.  One note: Did anyone else notice that the compulsory pattern skated by the competitors resembled crop circles?  Pay attention people, this is how conspiracies are born. Speed Skating.  How do I get one of those little metal tipped gloves?  I can't believe Rihanna isn't wearing one.  She must not be following the races.  A quick word about ski-wear.  If I can see your little soldier through your suit, it probably is cold.  Put some drawers on, you are representing your whole country, Bode Miller.  Also, why have Ralph Lauren design fabulous olympic duds if one has to don a see-through paint-splattered vest over the outfit?  Canada, your jealousy is showing.  (I am sure some famous canadian designer would run up a few snow suits if you asked nicely.)  Snowboarding.  Honestly, I have no idea what they are doing.  It all involves spinning and twisting while grabbing at your snowboard like there is money on it.  Dangerous, yes.  Entertaining, not so much.  Skiing.  If they would move those little poles a little further apart maybe so many people would not smack into them.  Again, I look to Canada.  Do your homework Canada, you had weeks to prepare.  A word about ski-jumping.  Boring.  Now the skiing up a ramp, twisting and spinning and landing.  I like that.  But to be fair - if that many people are going to do face plants, there should be points awarded.  Not for a medal, but maybe a consolation prize.  I'm sure something isn't selling in the souvenir shop.  Hand those out.  Give those people a little diginty.  OK, i am going to watch some women's Super G.  I wonder what it could be.  Wait, one more word.  If a german man with a french coach is representing greenland in an event - does anybody else find that silly?  

6 comments:

  1. Did Andy Warhol do that photo of you?

    I was watching the bobsledding and turned to a houseboy to ask, “Why do they need two people?”

    He shrugged and suggested it might be for ballast.

    As for the ski poles, aren't they for picking up garbage off the slopes on the way down?

    Then why not just throw a sack of flour in the back?

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  2. Oh dear, that didn't come out right.

    Mistress MJ has not had her coffee.

    "Then why not just throw a sack of flour in the back?" is in response to using an extra body as ballast in the bobsled.

    I'll go get that caffeine fix now, shall I?

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  3. i want a medal for not watching the olympics..

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  4. All in all, I'd rather have an Eisenberg Ice necklace.

    Hell, I'd even compete for it. High heel and pencil skirt races, anyone?

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  5. I say if Claudine Longet is not trying to cap your ass, you're not really skiing.

    And Felix, you're on. Stilettos, tight skirts and a hand bag big enough to stuff a dwarf in.

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  6. Dwarf optional, one hopes. My rotator cuff!

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