Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, sasquatch?

I don't care for the french.  I can't help it.  Frog biting snail eaters.  Crunchy crusty bread. Entrails and innards.  They will stick the most disgusting things in their mouths.   Kabuki cannot count the number of times someone has tried to put something disgusting in kabuki's mouth.  Kabuki bets they were french (You know who you are!)  Some peoples children.  Really.  Francophile - sounds like something that comes in a can. Felix is a bit french ya'know.  Boat neck t-shirts and berets.  EEEKK!  Kabuki is mortified.  Of course kabuki would never let Felix know that.  Kabuki was not surprised to learn that the Yeti, or abdomenible Snowman, was in fact french.  And what is so abdomenible about a big hulking beast, anyways.  Speaking of beasts, Kabuki is not going to imply that  Gérard Depardieu is in fact a Yeti.  However - have you seen a photo of Mr. Depardieu with a Yeti?  Neither has kabuki.  He does have an awful abdomen.  just sayin.  Oh kabuki could go on for hours about those souffle eating bastards, but kabuki is really more of a lover than a fighter.  So we shall put aside our bad feelings for the frenchies, and follow our moral compass onward towards glory.  As long as kabuki does not have to step in foot in Italy - OH MY GOD!  The Italians.  Anyways - kabuki is proud to be of german & irish heritage, and is doubly proud to pretend to be an asian princess.  And as a true californian transplant kabuki will soon take time  to speak awful things about the Mexicans - who very well may be ruining it for everyone.

Once upon a time

I do believe in fairy tales

Oh what have I done now?

If Sid & Marty Krofft did doublewides, I'd like to think this was some of their handiwork.

Has anyone seen kabuki's disco biscuits?  Asking for a friend.

Golden mirrored palace of versailles master bedroom - why yes, we have one.There is just the tiniest little piece of kabuki that screams "Don't change a thing!"  kabuki fed that part of himself frozen margaritas until it shut up.  Another successful real estate decision.  Am kabuki world-famous genius or what?

Mirror mirror on the wall - who is the prettiest ballerina in the world?  damn right its kabuki!!!

Talking star love in the night

Having the financial wisdom of an eight year old girl, and the intelligence of a small frog - kabuki has indeed bought the 1970s disco love palace referenced in last weeks blog.  Had to had to had to.  Kick myself later, but it answered so many unanswered questions.  It is Unit 33 - my favorite number.  It has a view of the mountains from the master bedroom - kabuki wanted to see some mountains.  Abuts the duck pond - kabuki wanted to overlook a pond.  Gold veined mirrored dining room wall - well that is just gravy.  Speaking to a lady friend of mine, as we both sat in the bubbling spa of wonderfullness, kabuki remarked that unit 33 cried out for a mirror ball.  'Oh really, I have one in the trunk of my car' kabukis' friend intoned.  'WHAT!! Give that to kabuki immediately' kabuki pleaded.  "I was taking it to the thrift store' kabukis' lady friend responded, 'it is all yours'.  joy.  Shortly after arriving at my important decision (kabuki really dislikes moving) kabuki noticed that the landscapers planted several trees just at the edge of what will be my new front yard.  They are mimosa trees, and they were a favorite of my dear departed mother.  A sign from above?  kabuki is quite perplexed.  Is the universe giving kabuki signs both left and right?  Signs that this is a brilliantly timed real estate acquisition, undoubtedly leading kabuki to eternal bliss.  Or is the netherworld executing a multi-layered extremely detailed plan leading to kabukis' utter destruction and madness?   Let us find out together.  kabuki is committed to ride this train all the way to the end.  Life can be so exciting when you fling yourself wildly about, looking somewhat like a goldfish on a hot sidewalk.  Wagons ho say kabuki, so feel free to add words of encouragement and support.

                                                    heres the view - kitty - no?

No stranger to Love

kabuki was grocery shopping for kabuki, the ancient chihuahua, and the 3 feathered maniacs that live with kabuki.  Walking into the store was a young girl. Maybe like six years old.  She was wearing green and blue mens flannel boxers, a pink and white nylon windbreaker zipped to the neck and black hurrache sandals. Outside it was 102 degrees.  Either this girl had it all going on, or the rest of the world did.  I sided with her.  Sometimes you have to step out of your safety zone. 
Sadly, lest us pause for a moment.  Kabuki's chocolate easter bunny has disapeared.  Last seen mocking kabuki. It is to cry.

Wanting to help the world kabuki took a brief 'cleanse' by the Aegean Sea.  Everybody is doing it, so kabuki thought 'lets go throw some coins at the greeks.  they invented butt-sex.'  kabuki had a suite waiting on the lovely island of Myhernia, very exclusive.  "Spiritual and/or Physical cleanse?" asked the insouciant counter-clerk.  kabuki leaned over the counter and smacked the nice little man.  "Just the Physical then" and signed kabuki up.  "The kabuki has an inner spirit as cleansed as the aegean is blue" , kabuki intoned "and that will cost you a fruit basket".  Kabuki loves the fruit baskets.  Tossing fruit out the window in moments of boredom can liven any vacation.  You are welcome.

So day two of the grape leaves and olive oil cleanse had kabuki feeling a little shaky.  "kabuki, your antioxidants are low" kabuki said to kabuki-self.  kabuki then proceeded to modify the cleanse by adding unlimitied amounts of cheap red wine.  Who knows kabuki's body better?  Exactly.  Sufficiently fortified kabuki slogs on.  Is slog a word?  Is blue cheese disgusting?  Did kabuki bring home any souveniers from the isle Myhernia?  Some many questions.  Answers to all of them kabuki will offer next time.  αντίο

Adrift in a Sea of Indecision

Not  really.  Well maybe a little .  Oh who knows?  We all care, so don't be frontin'.  kabuki will explain the latest Home Madness cover.  kabuki really has a way.  With whatever, not so much with whenever.  kabuki wants it all.  now.  please.  bitches.  thank you.  We will check-in on the homefront a bit later on.  This past Sunday kabuki was having a delightful brunch at http://www.acqua-pazza.com .  (It means crazy water)  It was kabuki, Linda Hamilton and Hamilton Beach.  Yes, there really is a Hamilton Beach.  Swell Fella, gave everybody a blender.  While waiting to be seated al fresco kabuki dryly intoned that had kabuki known it was Louis Vuitton Sunday Brunch that kabuki would have brought one.  At that precise moment TIME STOPPED.  In strolled a 60 year old STONE COLD DEAD FOX.  Dark aquamarine silk patchwork sheath dress.  Bunches of seed pearl strands and one large white Chanel bag.  Tucked in her armpit.  kabuki mentally and silently screamed 'No more entries, we have a winner!'  kabuki should have flat gone for it, but feels the lobster rolls would have been witheld.  alas. 

So the photo is my little 1965 love shack.  Coming along, coming along.  And right across the way sits the vacant double wide that belonged to the original park owner.  With the back wall of sliding glass doors leading to the deck that fronts the duck pond.  (I shall rename it Lake du Canard later).  A large mid 70s unit, last occupant little south of the border lady.  The place screams 'Foxy Brown Love Palace West'.  kabuki would need orange shag carpeting, and would search for same.  Probably find some in minnesota (or canada).  You see kabuki wants it, and made a bold cut-throat move to acquire this little pretty home, cuz that is pretty much how kabuki rolls.  Feel free to kick in a few large to help with paint.  Lots of it.  Of course kabuki said 'the kabuki kitchen appliance kollection' must go with kabuki.  kabuki's refridgerator has like six light bulbs.  Damn serious people, six damn light bulbs.  kabuki giggles wickedly.  at nite.  alone.  in a resort town.  six.

So kabuki shall wait it out.  Will kabuki stay in the mid-century or move boldly into the 70s' love machine disco train?  Felix says kabuki needs a Monte Carlo to park in front of the new place.  Anybody want to hook kabuki up?  vroom vroom kabuki says 'damn skippy'.

Forget I'm a Lady

Sorry for the absence, that's on me dawg.  Spring got in the way, and kabuki was forced to decorate, redecorate, and then un-decorate.  Few people can handle all three phases of decor - but kabuki is a talented mega-star so no big dealio.  Onto exciting personal revelations:

If you can answer yes to some of the following questions - this blog is for you.

1.  Did you almost complete high school?
2.  Is it illegal for you to buy and/or consume alcohol?
3.  Do you have at least one child?
4.  Are you employed in the retail/fast food industry?
5.  Would your outfit be considered a poor fashion choice by anyone but you?
6.  Are you humming 'I am sexy and I know it' to yourself all day long?

I you answered yes to at least two of the above questions kabuki would like to clue you in.  School you, if you wish.  YOU WILL NEVER WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH ME!  You do not possess the necessary skills.  You do not have enough life experience.  You are vastly outgunned, circle the wagons, and raise a white flag.  If kabuki is engaging you in conversation it is because you are providing a service to kabuki.  A service for which you are being paid.  You can use the money to buy a tattoo of your baby-daddys name.  You can put it on your big fat ass.  You are not in fact the head of industry.  You do not own the establishment that was unfortunate enough to hire you.  If I call your manager you will be drawing unemployment.  Just suffice it to say that you will not, can not, may not and shall not win an argument with kabuki.  Should kabuki's head explode and my lifeless body crumple to the ground - you still will not win the argument.  (kabuki gets points for a dramatic exit).  So get me my damn hot apple pie and large iced tea - and god help us all if you spit in my tea.  Because kabuki will kill all your relatives.  Because iced tea is the sacred liquid of life for kabuki.  I asked for an iced tea with two splendas the other day.  The  young lady behind the counter put two splenda sweeteners into a cup, and then she added sweet tea to the picture.  The resulting beverage gave kabuki type 5 diabetes - and kabuki is still reeling from the initial sip of sweetened sweet tea.  Oddly enough, kabuki does not require large amounts of additional sweeteners.  Kabuki is sweet already.  And nice.  Did kabuki mention pleasant?  Because he certainly should.  Mention it.  Because pleasant is kabuki's middle name.  Kabuki Pleasant Zero.  Sounds like spring, doesn't it?  Because kabuki is all about spring.  And pleasantness.  So shall we all just agreee that kabuki is nice as all get out, and that an argument with such a pleasant person could be life changing?  Yes, kabuki can see that we all do agree.  Sigh, life is good again.  Suck it up, people.  (the pleasantness I mean).  And someone look into a 'cheesecake of the week' club.  Kabuki is interested  in receiving some cheesecakes.