a confused kabuki sits quietly

kabuki has questions.  So many questions.  Like - does this sofa make you pee a little?  

And what about this chair?  Can you keep down the asparagus, or would this seat make you hurl?

 Kabuki has a real bug up her butt about danish modern and/or mid-century decor for the interior of the 1965 Chalet Mobile Home being readied to be the next kabuki HQ.  While kabuki knows you will never stop in - even though you are most cordially invited - kabuki still feels this decision is too weighty for just one brilliant mind (mine) to decide.  Some of you may remember the pirate furniture that won kabuki the coveted 'most hideous  furniture' award at  INFOMANIAC.  The award-winning furniture was subsequently damaged beyond repair when kabuki accidentally threw each and every piece off the second floor landing.  A subtle hint to remain on kabuki's good side, which is easy, because kabuki does not have a bad side.  The camera loves kabuki - and we are all excited with the prospect of renewing the photographic explorations of beauty and taste we are so well known for.  And kabuki is also pleased that we are referring to ourselves as 'we'.  Kabuki has gone plural - what could be next - sycophants?  Kabuki says 'bring it'.

While kabuki is in an asking mood - what type of foliage would look best in the desert? 

Kabuki is most familiar with tropical bonsais and small, ornamental  shrubbery.  All JohnDoe  can say is 'succulents - i have some in pots'.  Please remind kabuki to plant JohnDoe in a large pot, and then surround him with succulents.  In all fairness, JohnDoe also went on about a 'horsetail plant', which kabuki feels is one of the most unattractive plants found in nature.  It looks like it has just been mowed, sort of '12th hole fairway'.  Anyway - don't bring one within ten feet of kabuki - or kabuki will bonsai it.  And not in the good way.  OK, everybody remember your homework,  kabuki awaits your vital input.  bye-bye

the golden age of kabuki

whenever people get together and the subject turns to kabuki (aand lets face it, kabuki as a topic of conversation has saved many a gathering), oft times there is pondering upon kabukis' Golden Age or period au,  if you will. the early years - a kabuki driven by creativity itself.  unable to be anything but kabuki.  was that the best period?  perhaps the blue period - kabuki struck down by unknown ailments, walking with a cane and self-medicating like crazy.  many people prefer the later years - house-bouncing, car-selling, shopaholic with an eye towards cashmere and diamond-encrusted 18k gold.  this period is the kabuki-against-the-world period, a certain ominious presence can be felt underneath much of the work of this time.  Personally, speaking strictly for kabuki and myself  (for sometimes we are two and sometimes we are one) the golden age of kabuki is ahead.  many things to do, see, and make up wildly inappropriate stories about.  knowing there is a tomorrow allows kabuki some glimmer of hope, a bright light in the distance. kinda like the one that always shines through the curtains directly into your eyes whenever you stay in a cheap hotel.  research done by kabuki intimates that this is required by the shadow-government.  kabuki would venture a guess that the shadow-government is comprised of people with no more sense the the people in the real government.  what happened to the lizard overlords?  they were supposed to be clever. although most of the iguanas i met are a bit lethargic.  could the lizard overlords be behind global warming?  are their scaly hands involved in last years stink-bug invasion.  kabuki is still finding stinkbugs in the house.  stuck my hand in my bathrobe pocket - et viola - a stinkbug.  kabuki has a difficult time relaxing as it is, what with overlords and shadow governemnts.  (hint:  hush money would provide a change of topics)  kabuki does not need to stop the chillaxing process to wash one's hands and lounge garments.  perhaps it is all being orchestrated by the far left coast - in order to speed up my right coast departure.  please know that kabuki is working day and nite, (up to 4 hours a day sometimes) to get over there.  it is not kabuki's responsibility to save hollywood - both television and movies - from utter boredom.  get johnny depp to remake some old french film.  maybe matt damon could take a break from appearing in every movie made (shades of micheal caine), and pen another buddy-with-brains movie.  what is jon voight up to?  people of the west, kabuki cannot do it alone.  (actually kabuki can do it alone - but kabuki refuses)  do not let kabuki show up to find everyone just laying about.  kabuki don't do siestas.  but a glass of sangria sounds nice, and perhaps one of those warm pork salad sandwiches.  until next time - my darlings - know that your are in my heart and my mind.  so stop making so much noise when kabuki is tring to nap.

you are the one, now is the time

thank you bryan ferry - for such a poignant opening.  kabuki was momentarily at a loss for words.  a rare occurance, but my mind is troubled.  no, i would say bothered is a better descriptive.  ennui - i reek of it.  kabuki must cast  off the surly bonds of winter and prepare for the trek west.  kabuki is sad, cold and alone.... so lets fix the cold part.  kabuki will address sad next.  actually a road trip might just shake the doldrums from kabuki's lithe carriage. and as for the alone part, tis best for now.  so many decisions to ponder - so when does kabuki find the time to breakin a new beau?  suppose kabuki slips and damages the aforementioned beau.  kabuki knows the cold hard facts regarding love.  beaus simply are not returnable.  you break it, you bought it.  although kabuki is working on a no-penalty broken beau return plan.  perhaps if we all pitched in together.  kabuki says send all those lightly soiled beaus to holland, perhaps they can be trained to plant tulips.  and kabuki knows where those beaus can plant those tulips!!  (wow - what a lot of work for such a small payoff)

if there is anyone out there who is having a fabulous and fascinating winter of 2010=2011, would they please keep it to themselves.  if kabuki sees any over-the-top celebratory individuals kabuki will just snap.  it is true that misery loves company.  and nothing helps a bad mood like sharing it with others.  see. kabuki feels better already.  and apologizes for wasting your time with this go nowhere blog entry.  kabuki will cook up something really good for next time.  think unfound rumors and distasteful innuendos, because that is where kabuki shines.  and we all need to shine sometimes.

Doomicile for kabuki? Can our heroine escape a fate worse than deaf? What?

kabuki thanks the site where this kitty was found.  Now on  to business.  kabuki is aware of the grumblings and rumorettes that have been  floating around this fair planet.  let kabuki put your mind at ease.  everything you think you heard is true.  all of it.  moving on.   someone recently told me i was high at the event i was telling them about.  "I was twelve" i replied hotly, "and I most certainly was not".  "Well there is the problem" they said "you should have been".  Reverse logic applied at kabuki.  brilliant!  well played - kabuki thought.  "they can learn" kabuki mused, i will have to watch out from now on.  And people think kabuki is paranoid.  "deluded" they cried, in a sing-song chanty kind of way.  Like the Osmond boys with just a hint of Children of the Corn. 

It is snowing here again.  kabuki is not pleased with the snow.  it was just last week kabuki accused Felix of Hollywood of having a weather machine.  kabuki does not remember why just right now, but kabuki is sure the reasoning was quite sound.  you have to trust the decision making process.  and kabuki does.  anyway, now it would seem the very same device is in the hands of the enemy.  trust felix to leave planetary control devices laying around.  probably left it in his car.  felix drives a 1963 dodge dart.  it is black with avocado doors.  felix adores this car.  he calls it 'shalimar - princess of the i80.  he often speaks of adding a supercharger to that sweet small-block.  kabuki does not know what that means, but it seems oddly sexualized.  mildly disturbing -no?

the spring holds such promise for kabuki.  kabuki would like to remind the readers of this little news blog (because it ain't nothing but news that kabuki is frying up in the skillet of truth. so recognize)  that with so many decisions to be made at one time, it is possible that a miscalculation can occur.  So if kabuki puts up a blog about installing purple shag carpeting in the living room of Kabuki HQ, i would ask that the readers wait a day or two before slicing and dicing kabuki like puffer-fish sushi.  All except Norma Desmond - that tart couldn't hold her tongue with barbeque tongs.  and kabuki has already forgiven her.  what grace.  tatas

You are my starship, come take me home tonite

With feckless abandon kabuki has selected a new base of operations.  I don't see why people get so crazy about real estate.  I liked it, it was cheap, I bought it.  No I didn't visit in person, it's 2000 miles away.  I did look at several lovely pictures and speak with a most charming lady.  People - it is not like I dropped six figures.  We are talking mobile home in the desert.  Just how much would you pay?  Exactly.  And kabuki paid way less than that.  So it is a bit of a fixer-upper, at least kabuki won't be ripping up new stuff.  "Oh, I see you have selected a lavender brocade with splashes of silver for the kitchen.  How nice.  Do you think it will stand up to the heat?  (Of the blowtorch kabuki would have to take to it.  Have to, not want to.)  Surely you must have gathered by now that kabuki is a bit off the ordinary.  Why kabuki is expected to perform and behave like a sensible person now?  Kabuki has always been this way.  All my extremely interesting life.  And what is more interesting than moving to the other side of america?  Now you know why kabuki is so sought after for dinner parties.  No akward silences when the big k is dining with you.  "Did you know i once set myself on fire while chatting up a cutie in a bar?" OR "Did you know you can remove brocade wallpaper with a blowtorch?"  These are subjects that positively enhance any fine dining experience.  Trust kabuki in this, as you must trust kabuki in all things.  kabuki will never lie to you unless it is expedient to do so.  And that is why kindness is kabuki's middle name.  kabuki kindness zero - sounds like a missile launch code.  kabuki might have to rethink the middle name, to stave off an unwanted missile launch.  Although kabuki doubts the missile would be pointed at kabukis' new desert hq.  Best to be sure.  Housewarming hints - stove, fridge, washer & dryer, dishwasher, and some cute tea towels. Because you can never have too many cute tea towels.  Gotta go, need to hypnotize someone into driving cross country with kabuki, 2 insane parrots, a senile chihuahua and a truckload of Virginia wine (the perfect hostess gift).  We shall chat again soon, this is only going to get more interesting.  Ciao!

Battlestar Saturnia

Under the leadership of the famed military leader Commander Zero the Battlestar Saturnia and her crew take up the task of leading the "ragtag fleet" of survivors into space in search of a fabled refuge known as California.  Fleeing the stinkbugs, Commander Zero will soon head westward with the remaining survivors of Planet Kabuki.  Yes, the planet is named after me.  Get over it.  When you are a megastar you can name shit after you.  Until then please show proper respect people. damn!  Having planned the escape from the stinkbugs for some time, Commander Zero realizes the 'right time'' is as often made as it is not.  Seizing the moment (and some other things - like moisturizer) the Battlestar Saturnia is made ready.  The 1996 purple metallic saturn station wagon will be fitted with death lazers, and a magnetic sheild.  If ammunition runs short Commander Zero may jettison the cargo in a last ditch effort to reach the fabled California.  The fate of the kabuki-race is in the hands of Commander Zero, and you do not want to know where those hands have been.  (remember the moisturizer - ha!)  We can all only hope and pray that the mission is successful.  Unless?  A plan of attack?  YES!!  It is believed by the inhabitants of the planet kabuki (namely me) that jewel-encrusted gold objects may provide the added luck (and bling) needed to acheive Commander Zero's worthy goal.  I am talking 18K or better people, kabuki is not a peasant.  And if I see one tanzanite or irradiated diamond - then the whole deal is off!  SO the plan is - as Commander Zero pilots the Battleship Satunia through the hazardous regions of space, he will swing by your place and pop open the space hatch.  Just toss the jewelry in, you don't have to make a big show of it.  And seeing as how the Battleship Satunia has shit for brakes, Commander Zero will not stop.  Jusy know how thankful we are all that you are doing your part.  And remember - delayed obedience is disobedience.  kabuki heard that one on the religous broadcasting chanel.  what fun.  So until soon, starting selecting your baubles, the space mission is off the drawing board and on the pavement.  Adieu

And as always, decorum is the key

As this tasteful year tastefully exits (stage keft), kabuki recalls with great fondness the many blessings of tastefullness that were so tastefully placed before us.  One can only dream that 2011 will take an abrupt 180, and head towards uncharted water as fast and she can hoist her missen-mast.  Yes, fellow travelers, 2011 is feminine.  With femininity cames great beauty, love overflowing, and sometimes pizza, pretzels and chocolate ice cream at 3 am.  Like you were going into work anyway.  You don't have a thing to wear, everything just hangs off your svelte frame, and even though they should be jealous - the other years just love you anyway.  Except that weird 2012, nobody knows what his problem is, but many feel it could be rectified with a little old custom we call frontal lobotomy.  It has really fallen out of favor, go figure.  As kabuki was shopping today (trying to fill that void that exists when you are not near) kabuki ran into many people who were not using the front of their brains at all.  Some did not use much of the back part either.  Whike kabuki is a lifesaver, kabuki is not medically certified to say these people were 'brain inert total crap heads' (or bitchs)  But experience allows kabuki to have a medical opinion.  They can't take that away from me.  Not until they pry the stethoscope out of my cold, dead  hands.  Why are deads peoples' hands always cold?  kabuki would venture that if were were dead in oh, let's say the front lobby of a Target, they would actually be quite warm.  As kabuki was earlier today.  While checking out I spied the cutest little re-usable bag on the counter.  "Are these on sale?" kabuki sweetly intoned.  "Why yes, they have been marked down, and we are trying to move them out" the 16 year-old cashier informed kabuki.  (kabuki did not know the 16  year old cashiers were part of the sales strategy - that store is obviously going places).  "May I have one?" kabuki demurred.  Women, even young girls, absolutely love when kabuki demurrs.  It is a gift.  "Only one?" the target cashier/marketing executive questioned.  "Yes, let's share with everyone" kabuki intoned, because sharing is just another part of giving.  kabuki is a world-class giver.  So sally sweetbread places the now purchased re-usable shopping bag into a plastic shopping bag.  This has been happening to kabuki all over town.  Are they too nice to use?  One cashier suggested kabuki might be purchasing the .99 cent bag as a gift.  Right when kabuki was going to school the cashier-ette a voice rang out "Hey, don't I know you?"  It was my sister - the demon from the downstairs of my nightmares.  kabuki wonders if my family has taken to following me now that I am flush.  Good luck to them.  A more probable reason is she has probably been barred from the local grocery stores (for criminal act upon foodstuffs).  It didn't matter, the momemt was lost, the cashiers' eyes were glazed, and kabuki made a hasty retreat.  So it continues.  Next time - how kabuki, in a moment of quiet restraint fell out of the office chair - for no apparent reason at all.  I suspect magnetic interference.   So until then is now, and now is then.  HAPPY NEW YEAR to my many (all 17) readers.  kabuki zero