No Man is an Ithmus

Whilst floating in my very own pool, reclining upon my very own pool float - demonic forces arrived.  (No not mexican children - they be scared of kabuki)  Rather, the built in radio went on the fritz - everytime a wave of water washed over the armrest, the radio changed to a christian station. This particular christian station featured a Jimmy Swaggart sermon.  He promised kabuki fire & brimstone if kabuki did not purchase his Study Bible.  Apparently ole JimJim has highlighted the Bible IN DIFFERENT COLORS!!!!!  Ba-zing. Just the thing for beating the word of God into Christian and non-Christian alike.  (kabuki refuses to name these non-christians because they take offense at everything.  They remind kabuki of thirteen year old girls - hatin on everybody). So instead of a gentle floating motion kabuki's pool float is surrounded by a frothing sea of maddness.  Kabuki can be seen pounding on the arm of the pool float screaming 'out out out you nasty pervert'.  Did kabuki mention the children are scared of kabuki?  Halloween is gonna be a blast.  Kabuki might not even  hand out candy, just jump out and take a piece from the little whippersnapper's candy bag.  Life is harsh, the children might as well learn it from a master.  Kabuki often sees the jealousy in the parents eyes when kabuki reminds them he is indeed childless.  Yes kabuki has animal friends, but you can sell them on Craigslist for Bingo money.  IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL!! 

In other exciting news, kabuki was returning from a walk around Desperate Palms with Liberty (the adopted poodle).  Kabuki has nicknamed him 'Limberger', because puppy breath is a very bad thing.  SO ANYWAY, kabuki noticed someone has moved kabuki's little red wagon.  (no it don't need fixing)  What miscreant has trespassed and violated my beloved wagon?  OMG  My beloved Super Secret Straight Boyfriend has delivered to my very door, IN THE DESERT, a three foot clam shell.  Minutes later SSSBF saunters in. the cock of the walk.  "What?  Why? How? Why? And of course Why?"  kabuki gently asked the eye-candy.  "The guy with the landscaping business was gonna throw it out, so I asked him if I could have it for you.  Nice, huh?"  SSSBF replied.  Mark my words, kabuki is gonna give that stud-muffin a lil' sumthin-sumthin.  Are you feeling what kabuki is cooking?  kabuki thought as much.  Kabuki is returned, and the world is alright once again.

One banana Two banana Three banana Four

Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.  Kabuki will be poolside, singing The Banana Splits theme song until he feels ready to face mankind once again.  Hiatus becomes kabuki.  tata

Give me Liberty or give me desks!

Behold the newest resident at Castle Rock (kabuki's doulewide mansion).  He is a two year old french poodle named Liberty.  His daddy is fighting in Afganistan and then will be fighting in Gemany, so he asked his mommy to find Liberty a new home.  Liberty was raised with parrots, so he was a natural for kabuki's parrot-laden home. He is quite friendly, calm, housebroken, and a picky eater.  All welcome Liberty into the Infomaniac world of delight.
Once another delightful note, in less than 24 hours kabuki will be receiving his first Infomaniac visitor.  The lovely and talented Donna Lethal is weekending in Desert Hot Springs and offered to buy kabuki dinner. (score)  She said 'I understand if you do not wish to show your work in progress house'.  Kabuki answered 'Are you kidding?  Kabuki requires anyone nearby to come and see the as-is state of affairs.   Kabuki does not wish people to think he just moved into a turn-key double-wide mansion of extreme tastefulness, NO NO NO.   Kabuki wants all to know the super-human effort required to make the house a home.  That being said, if Donna thinks kabuki is going to mop the floors she is sadly mistaken.  Kabuki dusted, vacuumed, and took out the trash.  Kabuki is now watching cartoons, sipping iced tea and nibbling on a chilled peruvian minneola.  After all, what does one expect from kabuki.  Have you ever mopped a floor in a silk kimono and white face.  Kabuki thought not.

Kabuki has decided a nice 19th century romantic bronze would be yummy on the patio.  Anyone who has an extra bronze should contact kabuki via this fantastic blog.  As a child of goodness and light kabuki deserves a nice bronze.  Let us spend no more time on this.  Thanks in advance from kabuki.

ps.  kabuki did not want another desk, so that is why kabuki is a proud french poodle parent.

Desert Hot Springs - oh hell no

So here we are maties, preparing for Pirate Day (see mr peenees blog) when kabuki had to attend to a matter most despicable.  The 1996 purple saturn station wagon of love had just recently began to screech, especially with the ac running (which is always).  Kabuki is no stranger to auto maintenance - but it has been years since kabuki actually did any.  Kabuki prefers to pay people to do these type of nasty little tasks, because auto repair can be a severe pain in the ass.  However due to poorness (kabuki SUCKS at poorness), some matters must be attended in person.  ick ick ick.  Kabuki has just last week purchased 'belt dressing' and attempted to alleviate the shrill tone emnating from the previously mentioned engine compartment, but to no avail.  So kabuki dons a work kimono and heads to the local auto parts store.  It is located in nearby Desert Hot Springs, a veritable hot dry low-rent lock-the-car kinda place.  Kabuki never goes there, prefering the refreshing gayness of Palm Springs.  But kabuki does not need a hugo boss dress belt.  Kabuki needs a serpentine belt for a twin-cam 4 cylinder.  (did that turn you on?  man-speak)  Because kabuki is above all else a genius, he felt he could accomplish this arduous task single handedly.  Of course another manicure will die, but into each life some rain must fall.  As kabuki pulls into the turn lane to enter the parking lot of the auto parts store a loud snap can be heard.  Unfortunately it is not gunfire, it is the fan belt rendering itself useless.  Kabuki knows this because power steering is now a thing of the past, and the engine temperature needle goes straight to red.  In approximately 8 seconds.  (accursed desert heat)  Kabuki parks, enters and looks momentarily stunned.  The auto parts store is entirely staffed by smallish lesbians.  Not a cute boy in the vicinity.  Why does God punish the faithful?  Am not kabuki a child of light?  Damn damn damn.  Kabuki purchases the needed part, also picks up a cute little butterfly windscreen stick on.  Kabuki firmly believes automobiles require gifts to let them know they are loved.  Having owned 2 dozen cars you must trust kabuki in this.  As you should trust kabuki in all things.  But whatever - kabuki don't judge.  Returning to the car with my purchases kabuki notices the temperature is still HOT HOT HOT.  Car is obviously taking a hint from kabuki. (ba-zing! humor in the face of adversity is kabuki's bread and butter)  Speaking of foodstuffs, kabuki has adopted a little grey french poodle named Liberty.  Liberty's daddy is in Afganistan fighting.  From there he has decided to go fight in Germany, so Liberty needed a home.  Liberty was raised around parrots, and treats them with the indifference kabuki requires in a housepet.  Liberty requires dog food, so kabuki walks over to the grocery store IN DESERT HOT SPRINGS.  See, kabuki can mix with ordinary folk.  As long as they don't speak to kabuki.  Or touch kabuki.  Why is it the starving masses always want to lay hands on kabuki?  You just know they are not faith-healers, more likely trying to lift kabuki's coin purse.  Thankfull for the many folds of my work kimono (it's easy care denim polyester), kabuki's coin purse is safely stashed.  As is my disdain for the elderly black couple sexy-talking in the produce aisle.  Momma said she wants hamburger, daddy says he has some chorizo.  Kabuki is apalled.  Locating the dog food kabuki flees the grocery store before somebody takes a fancy to 'the pretty boy in the blue china-man dress'.  Risking death and dismemberment kabuki flees back across the parking lot with a bag of dry dog num-nums.  kabuki limps the station-wagon-of-love home.  After much online research kabuki has learned to change the serpentine belt on a  Saturn wagon you need to remove the right front wheel and inner fender skirts.  Because some moron at saturn put the engine in sideways.  Porsche, BMW, Jaguar, Mercedes Benz, Cadillac, Lincoln, Corvette, Mustang GT - yes kabuki has owned them all,  and they all had the engine facing forward.  People of Saturn listen up - stop trying to re-invent the wheel - for heavens' sake.  Oh wait - you went bust.  Puzzling.  So as soon as the stormy weather leaves the desert playground of kabuki - he will go and get physical.  One may wonder 'kabuki  - where is Super Secret Straight Boyfriend'?  Playing bingo with his momma, kabuki hopes he gets a paper cut BIG TIME.  Shoulda snagged a lesbian at the auto parts store, but you just cannot let them on the furniture.  sadness becomes kabuki.

the stale aftertaste of a life half lived

I found this lovely artwork whilst perusing the internet.  Kabuki peruses frequently when attempting to stave off a minor/major depression.  While not usually successfull, it can still be enlightening.  This particular piece speaks to kabuki, the more kabuki looks - the more kabuki sees.  This is sooo not true in other areas of kabuki's half-lived life.  The eight years lost inside my illness will haunt kabuki forever.  Was that the time kabuki was supposed to learn how to manage finances?  Did my beloved come & go while kabuki lay in a percocet twilight?  Having accomplished so very much, what else might have been?  It is a 'road not chosen' reflection, even thought that road was not available.  Is kabuki crying over milk that not was not spilt, because the cow did not exist?  Such existenstial wonderings may well whisper 'nut case'.  More likely it means kabuki is broke, lonely, bored, hungry and lost.  It also usually foretells of the coming full moon.  And unfortunately for so manyof you, curious readers, it also brings out kabuki's keen desire to leave a legacy.  A mark, a stain, a google, maybe even a scandalous wikipedia entry.  The combination of angst and flight propels kabuki to jump off the roof, but only if kabuki can land in a pond of pistachio pudding.  If kabuki does not replace his lost make-up and assorted photo props soon, kabuki would like several people to slap him.  Form a line, we will raffle off the tickets.  MeaNwhiLe - where is the sad clown we so love to admire - nay, adore even.  Oh, he is lurking in the shadows, singing sad songs and trying to discover the next frozen drink trend.  Sail on into the night dear kabuki, because if all else fails you have enough love trapped inside to sustain you throught lifes' solitary back alleys.  I think.

Skylark, have you anything to say to me?

Behold the madness that is Sunny.  She needs to work on her pattern matching, but really, when you look like her you can get away with anything.  Kabuki was chatting her up, let us recap.  'So Sunny, you know everything, and you are always right.  Does that about sum it up?' kabuki prodded gently.  (Sunny is not an easy talker.) 'Squawk' Sunny replies.  'Well, dearest sunn-bunn, let kabuki school your feathered self. ' and kabuki goes on 'Do you want to be right or happy?  No, let me finish.  For a long time kabuki felt they were mutually exclusive.  But having an epiphany or two (as is my due, remember my early childhood amnesia) kabuki has realized the answer was within kabuki all along. And dearest one, let kabuki enlighten you (wearing a kimono allows one to use words like "enlighten" in everyday conversation.) JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!!  Be as fucking empirically correct as is your want, just don't be a dick about it. (sorry the "d" word is absolutely required at this point in the dialogue)  And viola, you still have people who will speak to you while secretly maintaining your mental superiority.'  (ps  world's worst kept secret)  end act one

Nowadays everyone is looking for a hero.  Dammit people - be the hero!.  Kabuki has been a hero like forever.  These days kabuki has elevated himself to SUPERHERO.  My super power = inevitability.  The world will soon realize kabuki has been right all along.  And one day people will recognize that kabuki will win in the end.  As befits a kabuki'ed superhero who is always right.  (oops)  Kabuki was venting just a little.  end act two

Having reconciled to a life of superhero celibacy, kabuki still wonders if his sidekick ran off with his evil nemesis.  Kabuki has no idea, but the heart strings are still occasionally plucked.  Kabuki feels this adds a dark sadness to kabuki's psyche - which most superheros need.  Like cloves of garlic in a roast leg of lamb.  (although the mint jelly is totally superflous, trust)  Kabuki would trade dark sadnesses with someone. probably.  Anybody got a mean hangnail willing to trade for solitary existence?  Perhaps a lactose intolerance, kabuki will work with you.  The quiet solitude might bring out the artist in you.  (kabuki is an artiste - don't be jealous)  Oh well, kabuki shall just be satisfied with superhero powers, keen wit and devastating good looks.  (kabuki did not mention his fine singing voice - it makes Felix of Hollywood cross)  bon chance mon petit singes end act three 

Because you and me could have been a work of art

So kabuki is washing the dishes (because the dishwasher is not yet  installed) when out the kitchen window kabuki spies a crane sauntering across kabuki's very own front porch.  Kabuki dashed out to photograph the delightful creature, who was not disturbed by kabuki at all.  (which rarely happens, as kabuki can be rather disturbing).  Rather, the dear bird waited until kabuki went back inside and then retraced his path back into the duck pond.  Crikey - kabuki was as excited as a thirteen year old girl with a new bratz doll.  When kabuki mentioned this wonderment to his super secret straight boyfriend - he just said 'It is an egret.  It lives in the pond'.  What a turd - sucking the joy out of everything.  Kabuki pictured him with a rash, and kabuki felt better.  As is my god-given right. 

Now, back to my original reason for this blog.  Firsties - my desktop has been revived (JOY).  Second - As kabuki was watching the olympics (don't start) kabuki saw a commercial for that new Bourne Compendium movie (might have got the name wrong)  Premise is that man cannot remember his past, which apparently included training in everything.  (except tact)  So when trouble arises - as it do - man can solve problems with knowledge that he did not know he knew.  (whatever)  Also the government is trying to kill him.  (BFD) Like the government is not trying to kill all of us.  People - if you do not attend the secret meetings, well kabuki really can't discuss it.  Just like the plot of kabuki's favorite 60s summer replacement show "Coronet Blue".  Anywho, upon reflection kabuki realises that my very early childhood is a blank.  Egads, was the baby kabuki a government agent?  A kimono clad baby assasian?  Seems unlikely, but let us remember that we may have as our next president a man who tied a dog carrier (avec dog) onto the roof of his car and drove to his vacation.  Kabuki is relatively sure the doggie did not enjoy the vacation AT ALL.  So back to kabuki, how is kabuki supposed to showcase the new Olympic Mens' Rythmic Gymnastic event?  And if you can just picture a ribbon-twirling kimono-wearing split-leap jumping kabuki, well then you know it is time for the Olympics to 'man-up'.  Kabuki briefly considered mens syncronized swimming, but these kimonos weigh a ton when wet.  And a a shock to most, kabuki will admit that kabuki is best kept dry.  Like gunpowder.  Draw your own conclusions people, for now kabuki must go and bury his old desktop power supply in the desert.  Secrets, secrets, secrets.